To be upset about the things my friend says to me?

[ProperLavs]

I have a friend I have known for a couple of years. She is, how can I say, quirky and very outspoken. I would say bordering on rude. I have often wondered if she is aspergic.

She pops round for a cup of tea, always unannounced after school once a week. This isn't a problem in itself but I have started to really dread her visits.

Every time, without fail she will make a comment about me. She used to do this when we worked together, daily. She would comment on the way I walked, the clothes I wore " that don't suit you, your parting makes you look old, those shoes are horrible" etc etc. Then she would always tell me I was silly and sensitive if I challenged her.

I have low self esteem as far as my looks are concerned anyway.

Today I was showing her a hat I had bought. I put it on and she said that it really suited me ( so far so good) " yes it suits your hooked nose" ( my nose is large and hooked and I have always been paranoid about it)
I challenged her in a sort of "oh thanks friend you think I have a hooked nose?'
"yes you have a hooked nose properlavs, I tell it like it is but don't be so silly, it suits your face"
She made me feel that i was being crazy for being upset.

She then left to take her son somewhere.

When she left I burst into tears.

I would never say that to someone. If were complimenting someone like that I would say it suited their features, made then look attractive.

I am really confused,. Am I being over sensitive or is she being horrible? Some perspective would be useful.

@ProperLavs

There is nothing 'wrong' with her, she is just a nasty cow. Probably jealous of you actually. People are usually spiteful and demeaning when they are jealous.

I am sick of excuses being made for people, like they may have 'issues' or some kind of disorder, when in many cases, it's just that they're a twat.

Good for you for standing up to her. Hopefully she will realise what an arsehole she is being.

That's great she apologised, it really is. Well done for standing up for yourself ! However, I still think you should call time on this friendship and move on.

Agree with juicyfruitloop - I hate it when people are rude, but try to excuse it by saying they're just honest. Remember, when someone says "People either love me or hate me", you can bet most people hate them

OP 💐Well done. I put up with 'You always wear black and it doesn't suit you', 'You always say terrible things to people', for years.
She also only invited me to films etc when she had no one else to go with. I rang her asking if she was interested in going to a specific one off film screening I thought she'd enjoy. She told me she was already going with a (female) friend and was shocked when I said I'd join them.

She now has suddenly developed dementia and, although confused, is much friendlier.

You don’t enjoy her company, so when she turns up say it’s inconvenient - lie if you must - a few times and if asked directly say you prefer to arrange in advance.

She is rude and unpleasant, and quite frankly, I would be sacking her off. If the doorbell rings, see who it is, and don't answer. Or sorry, I have an appointment in 10 mins, can't have you round. Keep doing that.

Don't spend time with people that leave you feeling down and tired when they leave.

Nothing to do with Asperger's.

She's rude and a bully, and you let her behave like this. No doubt no one else does.

She's getting some kind of kick out of bullying you.

I am usually the first to roll my eyes when someone suggests another has ASD because of horrible behaviour.
I am not going to do that in this case because the OP is not describing a creepy sex pest or a lazy arse OH.
The woman says rude things does rude things. The conversation about the car is familiar too. Like SHE knows what she is talking about so why the hell don't YOU?

The op has a lot of experience of people with ASD so I am inclined to believe her.

So keep doing what you just did. Tell her straight that she is being rude. Because she is and she needs to know.

Is "aspergic" even a word?!
Your friend sound rude. Bit like my SIL.

Thank you for all your thoughts on this. it's much appreciated. I feel a bit calmer now.

Your friend is so rude, if she makes anymore nasty comments tell her to "Fuck off"

I am so sorry your too nice to tell her off.
She is rude and no one deserves that.
Just tell her she is upsetting you, and unless she stop you would rather she calls before she comes for a visit.

Time to start locking the back door, methinks.

She isn't your friend, she's a rude obnoxious cow and you shouldn't give her the time of day.

She may have Asperger's but her saying that you're silly & sensitive when you challenge her on it doesn't sound right - that part sounds thoughtless & heartless. I'd have thought (admittedly based on me) that someone autistic would, if challenged, be apologetic or try and explain their reasoning behind the comment. So I'm going with thoughtless because it fits perfectly.

I had a ‘friend’ like this, I managed to ditch her, but not without a drama ...... eventually I realised she is narcissistic
She charmed me in, then did the put downs that she totally denied where put downs .....get rid, but don’t expect her to go quietly !,

A friend tht would be left outside when she called again
A friend who would be cut off
Who needs friends that make u feel shit about urself

You sound lovely, she sounds like a bitch. I liked the use of the adjective "Aspergic".

I was once close to someone like this. She made me feel awful about everything in my life and belittled me all day (we worked together and saw each other put of work)

I put up with it for 3 years then went on mat leave and decided I had had enough. I cut her out and I feel so much better for it. I certainly didn't want her around my child so I put an end to it at last

Your friend doesn't sound very nice
That would really get me down too if someone kept saying things like that to me. I would try to keep her at arms length.

Nike when the OP explained to her later she did apologise which is what made me think she could be right about AS.

I am not ruling out just being horrible. I think a lot depends on how she reacts if the OP changes her own behaviour i.e. starts telling her when she is being rude and asking her to stick to her rules.

My bestie at school had the biggest nose I’ve ever seen on anyone. In 8 years I never once commented on it. I have a reputation for not thinking before I speak. Your friend sounds as though she visits you when she’s down and makes herself feel better by bullying you. Dump her.

I used to have a friend like this...

I told her by text that I am very sensitive to people commenting on my appearance. She said she didn't .
I shall see if she tries to be more tactful and I will certainly challenge overtime if she isn't.
I have seen her do it with other people, not the really personal appearance stuff, but saying stuff she really shouldn't be. She gets people's backs up.

Tell her"What you think your saying and how people hear it, are 2 different things, I feel what you say is rude towards myself, and would like you to think before you make a comment in future.

Wow. You surely must be able to find the strength to end this "friendship?!" Stand up for yourself for God's sake. Take a deep breath tell, her comments are horrible you don't wish to be friends any longer then just close your door. Short and sweet. Ignore her if you see her. Read up on assertiveness first if you have to. Stop allowing someone to spoil your life when they don't even have to be in it