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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset about the things my friend says to me?

84 replies

ProperLavs · 20/11/2017 17:09

I have a friend I have known for a couple of years. She is, how can I say, quirky and very outspoken. I would say bordering on rude. I have often wondered if she is aspergic.

She pops round for a cup of tea, always unannounced after school once a week. This isn't a problem in itself but I have started to really dread her visits.

Every time, without fail she will make a comment about me. She used to do this when we worked together, daily. She would comment on the way I walked, the clothes I wore " that don't suit you, your parting makes you look old, those shoes are horrible" etc etc. Then she would always tell me I was silly and sensitive if I challenged her.

I have low self esteem as far as my looks are concerned anyway.

Today I was showing her a hat I had bought. I put it on and she said that it really suited me ( so far so good) " yes it suits your hooked nose" ( my nose is large and hooked and I have always been paranoid about it)
I challenged her in a sort of "oh thanks friend you think I have a hooked nose?'
"yes you have a hooked nose properlavs, I tell it like it is but don't be so silly, it suits your face"
She made me feel that i was being crazy for being upset.

She then left to take her son somewhere.

When she left I burst into tears.

I would never say that to someone. If were complimenting someone like that I would say it suited their features, made then look attractive.

I am really confused,. Am I being over sensitive or is she being horrible? Some perspective would be useful.

OP posts:
MattBerrysHair · 20/11/2017 20:31

What do you get out of this friendship? She sounds deeply insecure and needs to put people down to feel good about herself. She may be on the spectrum or not, but her constant criticism is not a reflection of that, it's just to put you down.

snash12 · 20/11/2017 20:37

Yeah get rid. Rude and nasty people aren’t worth the energy!

TovaGoldCoin · 20/11/2017 20:39

YABVVU to use the term aspergic.

Original poster
ProperLavs · 20/11/2017 21:02

I disagree with that. i think she displays many traits.

OP posts:
stopfuckingshoutingatme · 20/11/2017 21:06

She is cruel OP . Even if she is on the spectrum a bit I don't think this friendship is working for you and in all fairness you have only known her two years

I would avoid for a while and then be reallly brace and tell her that you find her company difficult as every time she sees you she says unkind comments that hurt your feelings .

ScruffbagsRUs · 20/11/2017 21:34

So she commented on your appearance and then tells you that she didn't Hmm

I'd say she either has not remembered what she said, or she does remember and is gaslighting you. My guess is the latter, due to her remembering calling at yours last week and you not answering.

bluebell34567 · 20/11/2017 21:44

what do you get from this friendship?
she is a bully and she finds you an easy target to satisfy her urges.
life is short. be with positive people.

reachforthestarseveryday · 20/11/2017 21:52

'She has Asperger's' not 'she is Aspergic' - that's what I think people are not keen on, op.

Also, aspergers is now thought of ss part of autistic spectrum disorder, not a separate classification.

Either way, if you're not happy with her behaviour, tell her so, every time. She's not worrying about how she comes across to you, so why worry about upsetting her?

Just say, kindly but firmly, when she says something hurtful, 'Don't say that again. That's hurtful.'

LoniceraJaponica · 20/11/2017 21:57

Park your car away from the house, lock your back door and don't answer the door if you think it is her ringing the bell.

Why do you consider her a friend? Does she have any other friends? She brings nothing to the "friendship" so I would just go out of my way to avoid her.

KarmaStar · 20/11/2017 22:15

Is she trying to make herself feel better by running you down?
Tell her you find her manner offensive and don't want to be in contact any longer.

TathitiPete · 20/11/2017 22:16

Park your car away from the house, lock your back door and don't answer the door if you think it is her ringing the bell

Yes, also, get plastic surgery, move abroad, speak only Spanish. That'll stop her calling around. Ask her ¿quisiste ser tan grosera? Hmm

outofthefryingpan · 20/11/2017 22:25

I would suggest she has very few friends and has very little insight into why that is Hmm . She needs you more than you need her but please don’t feel bad about cutting her loose. One of the greatest joys of getting older is that we no longer feel we need to suffer fools gladly. Life is way too short to spend it with someone who makes you feel like this. Let her go dear heart and don’t waste anymore energy thinking about her Flowers

Dragongirl10 · 20/11/2017 22:27

She is clearly not a friend why do you spend any time with her?

Tell her you don't want to see her as her comments are hurtful and close the door..end of.

TheNoodlesIncident · 20/11/2017 22:38

If you truly think she is showing autistic traits then adjust your responses to her. If she comments on your appearance, tell her bluntly, "It's not appropriate to comment on [a person's appearance for example]." Keep repeating it, every time she says something inappropriate. If she mentions this, tell her she seems to have difficulty understanding which are "inner voice" thoughts and which are OK to say. Pull her up on it every time. She may not notice your tone but try to keep it neutral in case she does.

Maybe this strategy will start having an effect in time. Possibly very few people have ever said anything to her if she has said something like your examples, giving her a future wide berth instead.

Or just ditch her, and tell her you're not friends any more and you don't expect her to make further contact.

Nikephorus · 21/11/2017 09:10

Nike when the OP explained to her later she did apologise which is what made me think she could be right about AS.
But in the first post the OP says she would always tell me I was silly and sensitive if I challenged her. That's what doesn't fit to me. It's not a generally autistic comment

Original poster
ProperLavs · 21/11/2017 13:41

I never challenged her in an outright " I don't like what you are saying' way though.

Once I went to lunch with her. When her lunch arrived she had a massive rant at the poor waitress about the size or a particular portion of the lunch saying it was disproportionately small. She went on and on and on. Some time later this incident came up in conversation and I told her(jokingly) she had been unreasonable the way she had gone on at the waitress, it wasn't the waitresses fault and what was she supposed to do.
Friend got really angry with me .

OP posts:
TheLegendOfBeans · 21/11/2017 13:47

I had a friend switch attitude to one that sounds similar to your friends around two years ago.

I “ghosted” her this Summer as despite repeated requests for her to wind her neck in its like she couldn’t help herself and still the digs came.

No “friend” should chip away at your self esteem. Friends do not make you feel shit on a regular basis. Time to despatch x

Bluebell28 · 21/11/2017 13:50

I had a friend like that , what helped was reducing contact with her as I felt she was too free with comments. I wouldn't have allowed a sister to be so free so I pushed back her boundary.

YellowFlower201 · 21/11/2017 13:56

Yabu to put up with this nonsense!

Original poster
ProperLavs · 21/11/2017 14:05

I do not actively seek her out.

During the summer I enjoyed spending the time having days out with my kids.

When the summer was over she came round and we talked about the holidays. She was cross that I hadn't contacted her to go out. She never once attempted to contact me.

She does loads of really crap stuff. I guess I want her to be a nice friend that's why I haven't put my foot down before now. I had arguments and bad feeling. But I guess she doesn't care about me feeling bad.

Thank you all for helping me feel more confident about the inappropriateness of her behaviour.
My mum always used to tell me I was over sensitive when I was upset as a child and I've never really been able to shake of the legacy of that.

OP posts:
Butterymuffin · 21/11/2017 14:05

I don't really see why you'd want to maintain this 'friendship'. Lock your back door and if she rings the bell, go and say you don't want to see her today as every time she comes round she says unpleasant things. Let her be on the sharp end of 'straight talking' for once.

Original poster
ProperLavs · 21/11/2017 14:06

I meant I hate arguments and bad feelings so will avoid confronting crap behaviour.

OP posts:
KC225 · 21/11/2017 14:17

Idiots always insist on nailing their colours to the post of ignorance. Every time I hear the 'I speak the truth' 'i speak as I find' 'I tell it like it is' 'I speak my mind' is usually an indication that they are without MIND or intelligence.

Is she like this with her other friends? Was she like this with colleagues when you worked with her?

You do need to withdraw. If she turns up, don't let her in say 'I am not in the mood for your truth speaking today' No friend should leave you crying over a hat. You must be on edge every time you see her.

Original poster
ProperLavs · 21/11/2017 14:22

I am on edge, because she will always say something upsetting, without fail. That's why I was wondering if it was me who was over sensitive.
Yesterday she also told me a jumper I was wearing did nothing for me. A couple of weeks ago she came in and the very first thing she said was" you look like you've put weight on'. She likes to tell me how I should dress.

When we worked together I was often astounded by the way she behaved with others, she was, too personal, too in your face.

OP posts:
Pinky333777 · 21/11/2017 14:22

If you don't want her to visit unannounced, tell her.
If she says something you find rude, just say that comment was rude and that you didn't like it.