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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dad in tears about Christmas

373 replies

SingleKrisKringle · 19/11/2017 23:39

My dad has been so upset tonight about Christmas and he's not a man who cries!

Basically he dotes on my nephew/his gs but my sister has announced that she would like all family gifts delivered prior to Christmas Eve as all presents are to be from Father Christmas/Santa not getting into that debate

I can't get too worked up about it. She wants him to believe, says we can say relatives told Santa to buy the presents they bought and still hand over a little gift from us, she thinks this will stop people going overboard and I think that will most definitely be a result as most people want to 'see their face' when they open gifts.

However I also totally understand my dads side too. He's concerned my nephew (3) will wonder why his family aren't buying for him and will see other people exchange gifts. I guess this year it won't be a problem but if she wants to keep doing it this way in future I can see that maybe becoming an issue. Also gratitude I suppose, if he thinks someone else is giving the gifts he won't be thanking anyone. Again, probably not so much an issue this year.

So... AIBU to be on the fence? My head is telling me keep quiet it's her decision, I don't want things to be strained for Christmas. I love my sister dearly but she can be ver stubborn. On the other hand my dad being so sad did break my heart a little bit.

Any suggestions for compromise or reasons one way is better than the other will maybe help me get the splinters out....

OP posts:
clarehhh · 21/11/2017 19:29

Quite ridiculous and how can he be taught to say thank you, possibly for a gift he doesn't like even.

schmoozypoo · 21/11/2017 19:32

I think if I told my mum she couldn't see her grandchildren's face when they open her presents she would be devastated so I understand your father's upset. I personally feel Santa should bring the fun stuff eg chocolates, sweets,little games, one main gift. Christmas is just as magical for my children as we have elf on the shelf, Santa leaves footprints and more but they do not need mounds of presents from him. I want my children to know who bought what so they know who to be thankful to. My oldest is 7 and he knows presents cost money and people have to work hard to get him gifts and he is grateful and it makes him happy

LilQueenie · 21/11/2017 19:32

its weird and I would refuse to give anything. It won't make much difference to the child because he still would't be getting a gift from the family member anyway in his eyes if you sister got her own way. Have anyone asked her what she intends to buy so as no to buy a double gift. After all she must have thought about that before Santa makes a horrible mistake of several of the same items. Or she really is getting everyone else to buy for her.

chocolateworshipper · 21/11/2017 19:33

When I was a kid, the stocking was from Santa and relatives gave gifts. Nice and simple - Santa was still very exciting, but there were no problems with relatives visiting on Christmas eve / Boxing day that couldn't be there on Christmas day and they all had their thank you letter. Why do some people make it so complicated?

Fresta · 21/11/2017 19:33

How would Santa bring that many presents?
^
It's magic, anyway, how would he even bring one for each child if this is your logic?

We did this for my dd- she is the most grateful child ever! Gratitude isn't taught in one day a year. And she was grateful to FC!

MerryMarigold · 21/11/2017 19:38

I think it's pointless getting into a debate about what Santa does/ doesn't bring. The point is it is up to the giver to give in the way they want. She can't tell your Dad what colour paper to wrap the present in, or what day to give it on, or how much it should cost, or who it should come from.

Scotland32 · 21/11/2017 19:39

Totally with your dad on this. If I was you I would encourage and support him to do whatever HE wants to do with the gifts HE is buying. And send him a hug from me, he sounds like a very caring man.

ChasedByBees · 21/11/2017 19:41

I can see how your dad is hurt, but equally, if Father Christmas brings one thoughtful present and then later in the day your dad turns up with multiple sacks of presents, it pretty much diminishes the joy and specialness of Father Christmas.

Also, I would despair if someone turned up with multiple sacks of presents.
A) what an absolute waste of money and the planets resources *
B) where the hell does it all go
C) it outshines everyone else and doesn't teach the child to be grateful for anything.

So whilst your Dsis maybe unreasonable, I think I'm with her anyway.

  • I read an article recently about how we're killing the planet to create a plastic talking fish that gives someone a smirk for five minutes. I can't find it at the moment. Does it ring a bell with anyone?
rainbowlou · 21/11/2017 19:42

I had a friend that did this, I turned up at her house with presents for her 5 children and she took the labels off and added them to the 5 mountains of presents that ‘santa’ had brought them!
I didn’t bother again x

Fresta · 21/11/2017 19:42

I can't understand parents that need their children to be grateful to them. Surely you revel in your child's amazed face when Father Christmas makes their wishes come true. If mummy and daddy bestow expensive gifts upon them, where is the awe and wonder? To me that's more likely to lead to ungratefulness and entitlement. As I said before, in hindsight they will be grateful for their gifts, why do you need them to thank you at age 3?

muthafuzza · 21/11/2017 19:45

Your sister has an idea for Christmas why not just go with it instead of be upset and cause an issue. It's worth a try and it nigh be fun and there's no reason you can't open the presents after lunch when the grandparents are there to see their faces right? In Europe present are always opened after dinner. Santa sock and maybe one present in te morning. The thing is buying a lot of presents as Santa is expensive and kids want Santa to bring them loads that's a huge pressure for one parent. Asking relatives to pitch in and buy Santa presents is a good idea, it takes the pressure off one person. And a three year old doesn't give two tubs of play doh who got them what the main thing is Santa Santa Santa. So at that age it seems great. Of course in a few years he will know there's no Santa and start asking relatives instead. And the magic of fantasy is gone . While they are little it's so fun to play with fantasy, to do big surprises and if she needs her own parents to support her creating the cmas she knows her kid wants then they should support her. After all that's what she asking for for Xmas.

ThomasRichard · 21/11/2017 19:49

I was discussing this with a Work colleague today, whose young relative doesn’t understand why Father Christmas can’t bring him the super-expensive present he’s asked for. The family now really wishes they hadn’t gone down the ‘all presents are from FC’ track.

How about presenting this situation to your sister? Your DN is 3 now but he won’t always be 3 and it will be really tricky as he gets older. The other end of the deal needs to be that people are considerate about what they buy your DN. It’s quite selfish to buy a ridiculous number of presents that he could never possibly have the attention-span to appreciate, for instance, or huge presents that your DSis has to find storage space for in a small house. One thoughtful present is much nicer all round.

In my family, stockings are from Father Christmas and presents are from the people who give them. Just an idea for an alternative Father Christmas narrative.

fatimashortbread · 21/11/2017 19:50

We made the mistake of saying our gift was from Santa for a few years with all other presents being from family members. When my son was 5 he got very upset on Christmas Day and asked why we never bought him anything. We did no repeat this mistake with our daughter!
As you can see both sides of the argument a quiet word to your sister is in order. Also is your Dad worrying about something else perhaps?

BananaSandwichesEveryDay · 21/11/2017 19:50

Everybody has a different way of doing gift giving at Christmas. Here, FC gave a stocking of small things so that when DC woke up at the crack of dawn early on Christmas morning, they could open them before waking us. FC also left some gifts under the tree. We also 'gave'presents, but generally clothes, new pjs etc. Anything from anyone else was clearly from that person. I understand about not overwhelming your nephew, so maybe try to convince hour dad to give just a couple of gifts and then either save some money for gs, or use it to take him out.

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 21/11/2017 19:55

I can't even imagine a five year old getting upset on Christmas morning because he'd seen the gift tags were from Santa and sensed he'd been short changed. what a brat

mathanxiety · 21/11/2017 19:57

I disagree that she is trying to make Christmas as magical as possible for her son , and if she is then she doesn't really understand the way a three year old sees the world.

Everything is equally magical or new to them (so therefore nothing really stands out).

If she wants to condition him into a bad case of magical Christmas fever, however, then commandeering other people's gifts and calling them Santa gifts is the way to go.

FriendNoMore · 21/11/2017 19:57

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Someonessnackbitch · 21/11/2017 20:01

I think your post should be ‘is my sister BU’ and yes she is!

Tallulahoola · 21/11/2017 20:05

God I've been doing this all wrong. In our house, all the presents come from Santa. Admittedly eldest DC is only 4.

The ones from the GPs are from Santa too - they still get to see the kids' faces light up when they open the presents, isn't that the important thing? And when they get old enough not to believe in Santa, they will get presents from different family members.

Are we weird?

MeganBacon · 21/11/2017 20:05

Your sister is being totally ridiculous and unkind. Obviously it is for your Dad to decide how he wants to give his gift. Obviously he wants to see the joy on the face of the children when they open it. And aside from all that, it is better to spread out the gifts because children are just overwhelmed by so many presents and stop paying attention after a while.

FriendNoMore · 21/11/2017 20:06

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LilQueenie · 21/11/2017 20:06

how does giving the majority of gifts to your sister to be from santa in any way cut down what your nephew gets?

Tallulahoola · 21/11/2017 20:14

What will you say if your DC asks why GP don't love them as all their friends GP got them presents?

Um I would tell them that love isn't measured in presents?

I just think if you're going to get your kids to believe in Father Christmas, which is just a sweet thing that lasts for a couple of years really, why not go the whole hog and say he brings everything. I'd think my parents and ILs were being a bit needy if they objected.

But I see I'm in a minority of one...

nymum · 21/11/2017 20:16

It can be really difficult to establish new Christmas traditions. Sounds like your family gave very generously OP as the norm and GF wants to continue that as it's the tradition. But, I can see your DSis issue, especially if DN is first grandchild. Everyone buys as if they are the only gift giver. It's not about being outshone or being cheap, it's just too much.I was in a similar situation with my first DD. My mum bought as if providing Christmas pressies for a small village, but my DHs family had a much more low key gift giving tradition, which made my family look obscene really. Managing a compromise was tough as my mum said I was 'sucking the joy out of Christmas' for her when I asked her to tone it down. I don't think the answer is to make relatives give pressies from Santa (unless you just like that tradition). I think your dad and family need to respect that your sister just doesn't want all that stuff. I really like the idea of keeping some pressies at GFs (from him, not Santa), doing a fun experience, or putting money away for the future. Kids love pressies, but having 50 or 100 doesn't really matter. Having a bit of a jump start when heading out to uni or the work world would be the best gift ever. My mum wasn't all about that- she wanted to use coupons and her credit card for mountains of stuff- but it's a really nice alternative if he'll consider it. Everyone does Christmas differently, but we all have to mesh a bit so worth having a nice chat about it all and the traditions you and sis want for the next generation. Good luck sorting through it!

LavenderDoll · 21/11/2017 20:18

Tallula I'm with you
I thought everyone did it this way this thread has been an eye opener

Either way though I think your dad needs to get a grip.. in tears?

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