Or is this a form of control

[Sandbrook]

Lost my temper with DH this evening. Left the house for a walk to calm down, was a few hours ago but I'm still stewing over this and unable to understand.

Whenever I suggest a day out, taking kids somewhere, time together, a meal, cinema anything, his first response is no. Second response why?
He never suggests days out anywhere to anything.
But... and here's the confusing bit. He will then a few hours or a day later say, fine then we'll go. Always.
I suggested over dinner we take kids to a Christmas parade tomorrow. He says no, then why. He says I don't have to always take the kids places. Fine. I get that I like to keep them/me busy and try new experiences, make memories. And I love Christmas so like getting into the mood early. So I suggest then we go by bus as rural living means kids don't get to travel to city by bus that often.
Again the answer is no. Why I ask? Fun for kids, no parking hassles. He just said he hates buses, we'll drive.
I said he can drive and we'll meet him there. So he got annoyed asking why, why do we have to get bus even after I explained kids enjoy it, why not?
I lost my temper so left house for a walk but hours later I'm still annoyed.

This happens with everything I try to organise. Why...no...why...no.
Then a few hours later or the next day, he'll say ok we'll go. So all that bad feeling for nothing.
I feel like I need his approval for any decision I make about days out.

Previous time before tonight was during the week on way back from visiting family. I suggested we stop for food on way home. He said no. I'm busy thinking about what's in fridge to make when we get in and he pulls into restaurant car park and said, well you wanted to eat didn't you?

Is this slow form of torture a kind of control or am I reading too much into it. While I was walking this evening my chest was pounding and felt tight because of the tension this simple conversation caused. It's slowly driving me insane.
If IABU, can you suggest ways we don't end up arguing over a simple family day out?
Thanks

Heebie
Your post made me really upset. Not just for ops dh but for you. About 6 months ago you were extremely rude to me for no reason. Other posters were telling you as much. But you couldn’t see it and were rude to them in turn. It’s really unfortunate and sad for you that you recognise traits in others, which you also display and berate them for it, when you can not recognise them in yourself.

My experiences like this in my youth involved men who were either short or they didn't pack much in the career department, plus the obvious lack of luggage in the baggage

It's easier to say I'm taking DC to do this, oh pull in on 'x' on the way home easier than cooking plus not much in. It takes away the choice from him. If you give him a choice you either get the lovely men that say yes darling, then the ones who turn it into tedium by it either being their idea, or they're relenting and making a sacrifice, obviously to be a good husband.

Balls to that. You want to do something by all means invite him, the choice is there, family trip or watch football / F1, whatever his idea of fun is.

Giving him control you'll have this ongoing cycle if you survive together to see 90. Bingo tonight darling, ooh err I don't like the bingo caller on tonight. You feel miffed as you genuinely fancied going out, he'll watch you basically internally combust at the idea of whatever alternative there is at home. There's the 1000 piece jigsaw still unfinished. Did you complete this mornings crossword?

I think for your blood pressure it'd work a treat. Plus setting standards for DC, it's not the man who has overall say in everything. You don't need to run everything past your partner, you can be spontaneous. If he fancies a ham sandwich at home, he can sit there with a drink whilst you enjoy what you've ordered.

OP

I want to add I don't feel like you can say all controlling men have anxiety. Some are just arses who want it their way on their terms. It's not omg I can't cope, it's can be more omg I can watch her internally combust or get annoyed. Not all the time, I'm sure there's men out there with genuine anxiety, but I would avoid making an excuse for something that has a detriment on you.

Zombie
I agree that not all controlling men have anxiety and making excuses for ops dh is unhelpful. I don’t consider giving potential explanations as excuses though. Working together as a team helps and getting him to see the problem is always best and that obviously won’t work if he’s a controlling arse.

Explanations and excuses are two entirely different things. Anxiety is not an excuse for anything.

I'd call it control. My Ex H was like this. He decided what we ate and when we ate it. Every so often he would complain that he always had to make the decision and get me to choose dinner. Then say no, I don't want that. Or refuse to eat what I cooked.
The house was never cleaned to his standards....I could clean top to bottom and he'd ignore all that and point out the bit of dirty skirting board that I'd missed.
He would say no to any suggestion I made....be it a day out, takeaway, present for DC....then a while later he'd make the suggestion himself and take the credit for the idea.
He had financial control of everything including the debts I eventually left him with that he'd run up.
He'd make out I'd said things I hadn't, or not said things I had.
His was definitely control issue. It was exhausting and I thought I was loosing my mind trying to keep up with it all.He fell apart big time when I left him and he realised he'd lost all control over me.

I can understand the anxiety thing perhaps when it comes to days out, but how does the pulling into the restaurant saying “well you wanted to eat didn't you?” attitude fit in with that? Is the OP expected to forget that he said “no” first? The changing of his mind seems to have happened much more quickly in this instance, and with a rather worrying gaslighty response to the OP

See it from a different POV.

Perhaps he says no and then yes as he needs time to process it? Not that odd, and certainly doens't mean he is slow witted!!
Perhaps he said drive & not bus, because the kids will be tired after wards, and you will all want to get home.
Riding on a bus isn't all that, to be fair.
The fact the he agrees doens't shout controlling to me, as you probably wouldn't go at all he felt the need to be in control

I don't think other poster's rush to "control control control" is helpful in this instance. I wouldn't start excluding him, that is hardly fair and would cause even more bad feelings.

Control and anxiety go together like a horse and carriage

Really campion? I did not know that

Oh god absolutely YES!! if you aren't in control, anxiety sours. My daughter has autism and she needs time to process anything different to her normal routine. It keeps her (sky high) anxiety under some semblance of control. The fact that he goes on about queues etc...that is EXACTLY what my dd does. "how busy will it be, how long will the queues be, who else is going, how are we getting there, when will we leave, how long does it take to get there"

It's exhausting for us, and more over, her,

Surely the decision, which he made whilst driving, would have taken some thinking about if he Aspergers? Because HE made that choice. On Saturday we had a hell of a day. We do nothing spontaneous as a family anymore, and we tried to 'surprise" dd. Meltdown central!! It took us 30 minutes to get her out the car. I sobbed as we had to leave early & go home. Everyone was upset.

On the way home she saw a sign "oh look mum, we can pick our own strawberries, let's do it, I want to do it" so we did. She got berry juice on her hands, put her hands through spiderwebs, had sand in her shoes (big NO NO) and she didn't care. Because SHE decided the moment she saw that sign that that is what she wanted to do, more than anything!!

It's about control some level of control. But not because she is a douche, or slow witted but because that is what she needs.

Mummy

Your post made me really upset. Not just for ops dh but for you.....About 6 months ago you were extremely rude to me for no reason
Are you following me around to get 'revenge' or something?
You obviously have some personal issues that you need to deal with.....trying to derail the thread and projecting them onto me isn't going to help you

I've given my opinion on the situation - i haven't been 'rude' to anyone on here let alone the op's husband

It’s really unfortunate and sad for you that you recognise traits in others, which you also display and berate them for it, when you can not recognise them in yourself
Sounds like the pot calling the kettle mummy
I suggest you take a good look at yourself and your own behaviour before pointing fingers at others.....

No Heebie. I’m not. I have no issues or personal agenda. My post was kindly meant. I’m sorry you can’t understand.

Tbh i sometimes do this as well, i react immediately, then i ponder it and go back with a thought out response, sometimes i will reverse original decision, sometimes not but at least i can vocalise my reasons.
I am trying to use my 'thinking' part of my brain more first though.
I learnt recently about the chimp paradox which is around your emotions controlling your reactions hence why we 'react'

OP are there other areas in your life you feel he is controlling?

I don’t know about anyone else but if I wasn’t the plan maker in my family I probably struggle. I always have a plan in my head about how the weekend is going and if someone suggests something I won’t sound keen until my head has had the chance to get used to the idea.

Make plans and just do them whether your dh comes with you or not. That’s what I do and he usually comes along anyway.

I’m sorry you can’t understand

Oh i understand you alright - i just don't accept this goady behavior of yours...

Has no problem organising nights/trips for himself with his hobby friends

But because it's a man being a dick about something, this is smoothly ignored and out come the usual "absolvement of man" responses. Despite fact OP as his wife is stressed and upset, heart is pounding etc

He has anxiety
Possible Aspergers
Doesn't like change
Can you talk (umm people arrive here when their talking's been repeatedly ignored)

OP just organise stuff without discussing it asking his permission. Hopefully he will tag along with Grace. If he doesn't well then, life goes on you and DCs will still enjoy a nice time.

Aside from that - It's ignorant to suggest all and any negative trait in people is due to Aspergers. There's far too much of that on MN and it's mis-information. I know people with Asperger's who are quite lovely actually.

I've not read all the thread as need to go on school run, but my DP is the same.
Not just with outings (I stopped asking him to come years ago) but for example a few years ago I wanted to get dd1 a laptop. There was a really good deal on so I showed him and naturally he said no. Then a few hours later he said ok get it then...but by then it was out of stock. (Luckily I knew exactly what would happen so I'd ordered it anyhow)
I never thought of it as control but I guess it is him trying (and failing)

I know people with Asperger's who are quite lovely actually.
Gosh, how sweet. I feel like I've just been patted on the head like an animal in the zoo.
When I read the bit about him having no problem organising his hobby trips that screamed autism - it's something that he cares about so much that it makes sense to him to do it and the enjoyment overcomes any negatives. Suggesting a trip out with the kids could easily get a "why?" response because he genuinely can't see the appeal for it or a logical reason why it's necessary. Once he's processed it in his head he might think 'okay I can go with this' but it takes time. I can open a present and even though it's something good it can take me a short while to absorb it and come out with the correct response. Make that a suggestion of a trip or an unexpected stop & it takes a lot more thinking.
Like a pp said, he's not stopping the OP from doing things or claiming the credit, he's just taking time to process the ideas before he agrees. That's not a bastard controlling OP's life, that's someone who needs to control their own life (which happens to have a knock-on effect).
OP you really need to look into Asperger's / autism.

This is a tough one and you need to see things from his perspective if he lets you that is...

DH works in town and commutes every day for 3 hours (1.5 hours each way). We live rural as well and I am home looking after kids all week.
Until a few months ago, at the week end I wanted to do something which involved going out, but his first reaction was always no... then he would relent out of duty but he was always very tired and grumpy on the trips. Complaining about everything.

We had a huge heart to heart a few months ago as I felt hurt and rejected like you... and he opened up about how tired he was... and stressed because of work and being the sole earner. He worries about having enough money to do all and wants to save in case his job goes.
There is no easy solutions, but we have agreed that I would do things with the kids whenever I wanted and he will join us when he feels good enough to enjoy it.
I have also stated to look for part time work so that we are more balanced, I. E. I get to go out more and he feels I can take care of some of the eating out trips and activities in general, not just depending on his salary.

It's about talking...

My freinds DH is a bit like this - he simply doesnt like surprises - you cannot get him to do anything off the cuff, he simply likes time to mull it over in his mind and come to his own conclusion that it's a good idea. It generally takes about a week for him to come to the same conculsion as everyone else!

Thanks everyone for taking the time to reply.
A lot to think about. There are a lot of positives about our relationship, I know that. I spoke to him about it yesterday and he admitted he's stressed and always try to find the path of least resistance so anything challenging to do with the kids turns him right off. Whereas his hobbies involve grown men who turn up and behave and go home again, easier to be part of.
His job is quite demanding but he's a perfectionist with so much that it's now trickled into our family life and I can't live like that. Kids act up, days out can be a disaster but that doesn't mean we can't go anywhere. He's agreed to take a breath and evaluate before agreeing or disagreeing so hopefully this works cos quite honestly I've had my fill of this shit.
PP suggestions of giving him notice can be done too but not all the time, sometimes things pop up and a quick decision has to be made.

I hate the notion that having aspergers means you can't plan something with friends. I have no problem doing this. Because I can be in control of it and I would have thought long and hard about it so I can easily get my head around it. If someone else was organising a meal out, chances are I wouldn't go because I have food issues (I'd check the menu online to see first) and it's possible there wouldn't be anything I'd eat, when I organise I suggest someone I know and feel safe and know the food and the group just agree as they aren't fussed. Big difference.

Sounds like progress sand - see how it goes but I would ask him to evaluate it ON HIS OWN, and warn him that his initial negative reaction is very offputting and you are fed up. You already have to have all the ideas and motivation for the children it seems, so he should recognise that in a tiny way. you should start to uninvite him when he does his knee jerk 'what a crap idea you just had'. If he wants to say that out loud to you, he doesn't go.

hopefully this works cos quite honestly I've had my fill of this shit.
Problem is that you sound as if you expect him to do all the compromising despite him having identified that he struggles and what people have said on here about the possibility of Asperger's. I appreciate it's difficult for you but you don't seem to appreciate that it's difficult for HIM too.

Also what might help is having an open chat about what you both want as a couple and a family?

If you can agree to compromise on what you both want, then how to get there is less conflicting. E.g. do you both want to enjoy time together as a family? He might want to do this more at home, just switching off, letting everyone relax. That’s a valid want.

You might want to give them variety and stimulation. That’s valid too. It’s the more challenging but just as fair.

What do you want as a couple? Is he just so stressed he’s exhausted. Are you? Yet all the energy from him can’t just go into his own hobbies- you need time together too.