Or is this a form of control

[Sandbrook]

Lost my temper with DH this evening. Left the house for a walk to calm down, was a few hours ago but I'm still stewing over this and unable to understand.

Whenever I suggest a day out, taking kids somewhere, time together, a meal, cinema anything, his first response is no. Second response why?
He never suggests days out anywhere to anything.
But... and here's the confusing bit. He will then a few hours or a day later say, fine then we'll go. Always.
I suggested over dinner we take kids to a Christmas parade tomorrow. He says no, then why. He says I don't have to always take the kids places. Fine. I get that I like to keep them/me busy and try new experiences, make memories. And I love Christmas so like getting into the mood early. So I suggest then we go by bus as rural living means kids don't get to travel to city by bus that often.
Again the answer is no. Why I ask? Fun for kids, no parking hassles. He just said he hates buses, we'll drive.
I said he can drive and we'll meet him there. So he got annoyed asking why, why do we have to get bus even after I explained kids enjoy it, why not?
I lost my temper so left house for a walk but hours later I'm still annoyed.

This happens with everything I try to organise. Why...no...why...no.
Then a few hours later or the next day, he'll say ok we'll go. So all that bad feeling for nothing.
I feel like I need his approval for any decision I make about days out.

Previous time before tonight was during the week on way back from visiting family. I suggested we stop for food on way home. He said no. I'm busy thinking about what's in fridge to make when we get in and he pulls into restaurant car park and said, well you wanted to eat didn't you?

Is this slow form of torture a kind of control or am I reading too much into it. While I was walking this evening my chest was pounding and felt tight because of the tension this simple conversation caused. It's slowly driving me insane.
If IABU, can you suggest ways we don't end up arguing over a simple family day out?
Thanks

I used to work with someone who once, jokingly, said to me, "I could never be married to you." I asked why, and he said, "I know what you'd be like. You'd wake up in the morning and say, 'Let's go to the castle today!'" I was totally baffled, but he said "It's not that I don't want to go to the castle, it's that I can't get up in the morning not knowing I'm going to the castle, and then go to the castle."
That's a totally alien perspective to me, but maybe your husband is like that?

This does sound controlling - would agree with pp that you should just inform him of what you’ll be doing in future (and leave him at home!) What does he say when you challenge him about it? Does he acknowledge that just saying “no” in this way is upsetting for you?

OP you described your DH reacting to a suggested change of plan(s) negatively. That suggests he isn't all that good with unexpected change which he isn't in control of.

It wasn't until DS1 was diagnosed with Aspergers that the scales fell from my eyes about DH's rather eccentric take on some things.

I'd say anxiety. If my husband suggest something to do I panic to start with and say no. Then I calm down and usually agree to whatever activity it is.

I would just tell him what you’re doing and when and not ask if you can do it. If he says no and why, just happlily accept his decision with ‘fine, you stay’ and go without him. Don’t justify or rationalise.

Loads of men just can't be arsed or find it stressful going out. They just want to chill. By the s,ad token as you complaining he always says no, can you not always have to have him say yes?

My husband is a bit like this and I call him Mr No for a laugh. But ultimately we compromise and go out some weekends, let him chill others.

Does he enjoy your days out when you finally go? What does he like doing? If he doesn't suggest things to do, what would he do at home instead? What does he do with the DC?

No diagnosed anxiety and no evidence that I can see. He can come across as quite pompous at times, his opinion counts more and he can belittle others and their opinions, choices, hobbies.
Which is why I am leaning towards a control thing rather than any form of anxiety over change or unexpected outings

It is controlling I suppose but I would say not deliberately so.

It’s annoying, but not a red flag to me.

It’s probably down to his slow processing as others have said, if he was being abusive I think he wouldn’t change his mind to agree with you.

I agree with those who suggest telling him what you are doing, not suggesting or asking his permission, but just saying “I’m taking the kids to ... next Saturday.” Don’t have a discussion about it, just mention it and leave the room the first time you tell him. Don’t get into “do you want to come with us” type conversations either until he has had time to think about it.

Try if possible to give him more notice rather than springing things on him for today or tomorrow. This gives him processing time.

Then a few days after you mentioned it you can try to have a conversation about arrangements. Hopefully this will be more successful as he will have had time to think about it.

If you want to suggest arrangements out of the ordinary such as buses again give him thinking time before you discuss it.

I hope this works for you. It’s longwinded I know, but it may be worth a try.

He is a great Dad though and does enjoy spending time with them. I don't think this is any way related to the kids, more so me.

Its almost like he is relenting and "giving permission". Twattish behaviour.

From now on I would be saying "I am doing X tomorrow with the kids. I am leaving at 10am. If you want to come be ready for then" and walk away. Do not engage in any discussion about it. Do not ask "shall we?" Or even worse "can we?".

Thanks notevilstepmother worth thinking about as something has to change.
Unfortunately it does make me feel like having to "manage" him though. I don't think I have the head space to add this chore in on top of everything else.

Thanks to everyone who posted. Appreciate your time.

Control and anxiety go together like a horse and carriage

Really campion? I did not know that. Worth considering so

he's being a controlling partner.... he might not even realise it.. but that's what he is doing .... stop suggesting he come.. stop asking his for his permission...I know your not actually asking permission but to him you are... TELL him what you and the kids are doing..

Obviously we don't know your H, and it's possible that it is some kind of undiagnosed ASD/anxiety thing which means plans being sprung on him freaks him out. But it could also be about making you accept that he is the one in charge, and all decisions must be made by him.
One way of working out which would be: how is he about other aspects of family life? Who chooses, for instance, what you're all going to have for dinner (if you have a weekly menu then that's probably not relevant). Do you feel you have to run everything by him eg he sulks if you wear something that's too 'revealing', or he complains about your make up? If the two of you disagree about something, does he have to 'win' or there will be sulks and a nasty atmosphere?

I’d echo others queries about anxiety.
When someone is anxious they can often worry about future outcomes, so try to control events to limit the those outcomes to what they find acceptable. So social anxiety can come across as pompous if they’re worried about seeming inferior. Having difficult with change is really, really common as it takes a time to process the situation and all the anticipated outcomes.
Anxiety isn’t an excuse but may be a useful to think about in managing the issue ... if it is anxiety.
I should add my husband is the same, he’s anxious, and it’s flippin annoying sometimes even if I do get why he’s like it.

Unless he's particularly slow witted and needs extra time to process your very normal and reasonable suggestions

Slow processing does not indicate a lack of intelligence. Some people are highly intelligent yet are slow to process thought/language.

My DDs both have AS and are like this. They struggle with changes of plan, even if there isn't a plan. Their instinctive response is always no. then, given time to get used to the idea, they often see the merit in it and change their minds.

If this is the case for your DH, you and he need to find a way to communicate that builds in time for him to get his head round things before he gives an answer. He might not even understand that this is what is happening and see it as more a case of giving in to what you want.

The issue isn't just that he doesn't want to do things. It's that he has a picture in his head of how the day is going to play out and he needs time to process a change to that.

If he does have AS, it would explain why he didn't want to use public transport. My DDs both hate the lack of control, proximity to other people, smells, possibility of having to speak to strangers, etc. They would have no idea why you would use a bus if you could take a car.

Yes my Ex did this to everything. No. No. No.

He would rarely change his mind! He was asbergers in all likelihood. Which at first made me more understanding. However it really grates when he’s enthusiastic to go and do stuff he’s interested in. It did negatively affect our relationship as ultimately I was trying to

• unite our family. Shared memories. Outings.
• provide us and kids with a richer experience than being sat at home. All the time.
• get exercise, fresh air, or culture, or manners and social skills like being in a cafe.

It really is very stifling not doing them.

I gave up and did them on my own.

Then got fed up and left him.

Goldmandra has described it very well.

I don't know -it's difficult to assess from your examples really.

The bus one - tbh most people who have the option to drive in their own vehicle would chose that over public transport. I get why you think it would be fun for the children but it isn't unreasonable to disagree. A bus is less reliable, slower as it stops and full of strangers who may have colds/flu etc.

The restaurant thing - again fine to want to eat at home/ fine to change your mind on the way home.

I understand you are talking about a pattern but the examples you give are really things that aren't that much of a big deal to have different views about and change your mind.

I wonder if you are over reacting to these because of far worse stuff which is a pattern behaviour.

Well, given that it sounds like he always does what you suggested in the end, why do you think it's about control? Sounds more like sudden suggestions stress him out and he needs time to calm down before he can process them properly. The whole pompous thing and poor reaction to others' suggestions does sound a trifle asperger-ish, tbh. Maybe he is taken a bit out of his comfort zone to go to new places and do new things, but does them anyway because he knows they make others happy and it's what people do.

Im wondering if you sent him an email about your plans for the weekend etc, he would be able to process in private and then you wouldnt have to hear that initial no. I often email my DH about plans (mostly because we both have memorys like a flea) but it might work for you for different reasons.

Who gives him the right to veto days out for the whole family? Why are you asking his "permission" to go out and do stuff with the dc?
From now on, just let him know what you've organised and go out and do it.