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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not tell parents we're buying a house?

27 replies

CurlyRover · 18/11/2017 20:58

My parents and I have always had a fractured relationship. Throughout my teenage years we argued lots and I was thrown out countless times from the ages of 13 to 16 (when I finally moved out permanently). The most recent argument was 2 months ago and I haven't heard from them since. Since then DP and I have looked into buying our first house and decided to do it this year - we were previously thinking of leaving it another year to save a bit more. We've had an offer accepted on a house and just need to finalise dates to exchange the contract with our solicitors. AIBU in not telling my parents about this given our fractured relationship and current no contact?

OP posts:

Justbookedasummmerholiday · 18/11/2017 21:03

Prob be the best decision you make!! Especially at this time of year - before they assume Christmas invites!!

Hissy · 18/11/2017 21:04

They threw you out at 13????

My ds is 12... I cant imagine ever thinking of such a heinous act as to chuck him out!!!

Go forward in your life, don’t look back and make being happy, contented and loved your number one goal.

FlashTheSloth · 18/11/2017 21:04

YANBU. You don't owe them anything. Enjoy this with your DP without an argument with them overshadowing it.

Kpo58 · 18/11/2017 21:04

Why would you tell them? Unless they have a direct financial interest in the house (such as giving you money towards it or own a percentage of it), then it's none of their business.

expatinscotland · 18/11/2017 21:06

It's none of their business.

sonjadog · 18/11/2017 21:07

You don´t need to tell them. It´s none of their business.

LaurieFairyCake · 18/11/2017 21:13

Well it depends if you’re 17 or 27

If you’re still really young maybe they will have an opinion you want to listen to?

If I had a 17 year old who wanted to buy a house with a boyfriend I’d be wanting to lay out what the consequences are if it went wrong

If you’re a proper adult do what you like

MammaTJ · 18/11/2017 21:15

Even once you have bought the house, of you at some point in the future decide to kiss and make up, it would not be unreasonable to allow them to think you are still renting at your new address.

MyBrilliantDisguise · 18/11/2017 21:17

Don't you think that any parent who repeatedly throws her young teenage child out of the house and is still quarrelling with her years on isn't likely to have any advice the OP wants to hear?

MammaTJ · 18/11/2017 21:19

If I had a 17 year old who wanted to buy a house with a boyfriend I’d be wanting to lay out what the consequences are if it went wrong

You do realise that you have to be 18 to enter in to a contract and that would include a mortgage?

LaurieFairyCake · 18/11/2017 21:22

That’s one of the things I’d be pointing out

Original poster

CurlyRover · 18/11/2017 21:32

Well it depends if you’re 17 or 27

Well yes I suppose so... I'm over both of those ages - just!

OP posts:

Original poster

CurlyRover · 18/11/2017 21:33

And yes Hissy they threw me out at 13 - then made out that I was the UR one for walking off instead of sitting outside their front door having been physically removed from their house.

OP posts:

IrritatedUser1960 · 18/11/2017 21:35

Why do you need to tell them? I am as sure as I can be that they haven't told you anything about their financial situation recently. Just enjoy buying your new home.

Original poster

CurlyRover · 18/11/2017 21:38

I am as sure as I can be that they haven't told you anything about their financial situation recently

I get what you're saying and whilst of course that's true I suppose with normal family relationships it's a big thing you tell people about? I've told a couple of other family members and friends as for us it's very exciting news we want to share with our loved ones.

Though thinking about it, when we rented our last place my dad had a word with DP as he was "worried we couldn't afford the rent despite not having a Scooby what either of us earn so perhaps all other issues aside I'm better off avoiding the judgmental comments

OP posts:

Bowerbird5 · 18/11/2017 21:42

Do you tell them when you buy a new pair of shoes? No, then no need to tell them about a house purchase. Good luck with it. It sounds like you owe them nothing.

tombstoneteeth · 18/11/2017 21:45

My horrible, abusive mother was still trying to rule my life at age 49. I bought a house (following marriage breakup and living in a rental), without telling her or my father. They eventually came to the old house, to have another go at me, to find I wasn't there. They had no idea where I was, and tried to barge into my place of work to find out. It was such a good feeling to have divorced them. Shortly after, I moved overseas for more than a decade. Even better. Go for it, OP, if it's financially viable. It gives such a sense of autonomy to have your own castle.

PickAChew · 18/11/2017 21:46

Save the telling about it for those people who will share in your joy at taking such a big step. Your parents don't sound like they are capable of sharing the joy so you are not being at all unreasonable to keep them out of it.

SadClown · 18/11/2017 21:47

I wouldn't contact them just to tell them no. If you're no contact at the moment just leave it like that, if you get back in contact with them at some point in the future it's up to you if you tell them at that point, you owe them nothing by the sounds of it fwiw.

cathyclown · 18/11/2017 21:48

In situations like yours it is always sensible to keep some personal information to yourselves. This is one of them.

InvisibleKittenAttack · 18/11/2017 21:58

I wouldn't bother telling them that you are planning to buy a house. Once you have moved in, if you are printing and sending people "new address" cards, I'd post them one, or possibly just send a "We've moved, our new address is...." e-mail, but there's no reason they need to know you've bought, rather than rented it.

That sort of information is normal to tell families, but then it's the sort of thing you'd mention when discussing what you were up to at the weekend when chatting on the phone to parents. If they want normality, they should be in normal contact with their child.

Original poster

CurlyRover · 18/11/2017 22:12

If they want normality, they should be in normal contact with their child.

I don't think we've ever had what one could deem normal contact Previously most contact was instigated by me and even then I may or may not have gotten a response, very rarely had a phone call from them unless my mum wanted to rant about something my brother had done and 9 times out of 10 (if not more) DP and I would have to go and see them, they would never come and see us. They'd always claim it's "too far to drive" despite us living a shorter distance away than their favourite UK holiday destination.

Sorry. This feels like it's turned into a bit of a rant about how rubbish they have been.

OP posts:

TheNoodlesIncident · 18/11/2017 22:22

Well tbh it sounds like the nicest thing about your new gaff is that they won't know where it is...

I don't know what positives they're bringing to your life OP, but I get the feeling you're better off without them, full stop. Throwing out a vulnerable child is unforgivable IMO.

redexpat · 18/11/2017 22:25

They have been rubbish. Rant away. And tell us about your lovely new house.

dantdmistedious · 18/11/2017 22:48

They’re shit. Get on with your life!

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