Babies in Childcare - Honest Opinions Please

[ChesterBelloc]

I've read several threads recently in which people stated that so long as a baby is competently cared for in a suitable environment, it makes no difference to the child whether the adult(s) in question are the baby's parent(s) or childcare professionals.

Do you believe this?

(I'm not asking for yet another debate about the extent to which 'stay-at-home parenting' may be detrimental to women's quest for equality/career progression/intellectual stimulation etc etc. There's enough on these boards already about that.)

I'm asking whether people genuinely believe that babies have/should have no stake in the discussion; whether they think that it makes no difference to the babies themselves whether they are with their parents all day or with a nursery/childminder - and if there is a qualitative difference, which is the better option, from the child's perspective.

I'm genuinely curious to hear people's views, not trying to be goady (though fully expect to be flamed for even raising this question, due to the possible implications and inferences that could be extrapolated from it). Thank you for reading thus far!

A very unfashionable view, I know, but I really hate the trope of 'happy mum, happy baby

So unhappy, stressed potentially struggling mother makes for a happy baby does it? Have you actually thought about that statement or just posted it to cause a bun fight?

I work in childcare, baby room. The answer is it depends on the baby. Some babies are very happy. Others less so. Difficult to tell if it's temperament or the environment though.

but sometimesoftenas parents we are called on to put our children's needs ahead of our own desires.

And there it is. What selfish desires do you think most parents are fulfilling by working? Earning money to buy themselves rolexes, or perhaps - shock horror - to put a roof over their children's head, and food in front of them?
And of course SAHP are also primarily motivated by what they see as the best choice for their children too. It's different strokes for different folks and to suggest otherwise is goady.

This is the problem with threads like this, appeals to 'the research' and 'only thinking from the child's perspective' very quickly descend into judgement of the adults (especially the mothers, sigh...) involved, from the particular social and cultural perspectives of other adults.

"How many parents do you think are working because they would rather work than spend time with their baby?"

Quite a few, actually. You find that opinion all over this site, on a very regular basis.

Definitely outnumbered by those who only work through financial necessity, though.

Margaret, if you don't like the discussion on this thread, you can leave it any time - rather than staying to sling personal insults at me. As I've said, I don't think hurt feelings should close down free debate.

Really dislike idea that thread might upset people so this issue shouldn't be discussed. Seriously?

On issue itself, like pretty much everyone, I don't know. It depends on child, on childcare provider, on financial resources of parents, on other support available.

Am unsure re constant praising of being minded by granny, its not always a better option than childcare.

Re the babies n childcare don't get same amt of outside experiences - rubbish IMO. Do parents with kids on childcare not take their kids out and about after pick up, weekends etc?

Haha. I must be so so selfish. So selfish to work. It would be much better for me to give up work, struggle to pay my mortgage, struggle to feed my child and not be able to afford to go places or buy toys. But as long as hes got me at home 24 7 who needs food or heat eh!

What do you tell parents After? About their moods?

I wonder what we'd manage childcare wise this time, if we go for "just one more". I stretched myself so hard to give the others two Bowlby years each

My theory is that people like Chester gave up work (because their family could afford to do so) and on some level resent it because it's repetitive and boring and they envy other mums who go to work. But obviously they can't come out and say that. So the only way they can make themselves feel better is to tell the world that their way is the best and that any mum who works is harming her children.

To repeat what I said in my OP, this thread isn't about all the various reasons why a parent might want, or need, to work; it was purely an enquiry as to the child's experience.

" if being cared for as an infant by someone other than your parents is damaging then every monarch we've ever had, and a huge proportion of all celebrated figures from the past suffered this damage, since they disproportionately came from noble families where their parents has, by modern standards, almost nothing to do with them."

Not a great example, because lots of people do think royals are pretty damaged by that upbringing.
Read a bit about prince Charles's upbringing.

FFS yet another thread aimed at making WOHMs feel like shit (never the dad's though).

And you know what? It's not all about women having no choice, they have to work for financial reasons. I went back to work because I wanted to. I always planned to. I love my job, it's very much a part of who I am, I'm good at it, and I don't want to give it up. Why the fuck should I? I adore my son but I'd make a shit SAHP. You think it's bollocks to say happy mum happy baby? I think it's bollocks to say that what a parent wants doesn't matter. You think a child will thrive if one or both of their parents is desperately unhappy.

So yes, my child went to nursery from 10 months. My partner dropped hours to have a day off a week. I still work full time. And I won't apologise for it or say I wish I could stay at home, because it's not true.

My son is shy, he has some mild delays. I don't believe that's anything to do with him being in childcare. In fact they have been fab with him, and have really helped to bring him along with his speech. He often doesn't want to go in in the morning, but then I don't always want to go into work. He's always playing happily when we collect him. He loves the staff there and talks about them a lot. Would he rather be at home with one of us? Given the choice, probably. But we have to do what is best for us as a family, and this is that. Of course what he wants matters, but so does what I want and what my DW wants. Stop trying to make women feel like shit for having the audacity to have other interests and ambitions than their children.

Yes but nobody can answer your op, because non of us are under 2 years old or in childcare. I assume none of us have the technology that could translate a childs thoughts either. Any mind readers about to answer the op??

As much as I would love to spend more time with my son, I will have to return to work, full time, in order to pay the mortgage etc. I am a lone parent. There are no other options but to return to work. My son will be cared for by me, his father, my mother, potentially an aunt and nursery. Because that’s what I can afford, fit around my shifts (which I cannot change).

To repeat what I said in my OP, this thread isn't about all the various reasons why a parent might want, or need, to work; it was purely an enquiry as to the child's experience; their parents' reasons (good/bad/indifferent) for putting their infant into childcare have absolutely no bearing on how their child will feel/thrive in that situation.

And again - nobody can tel you how the child feels can they?

Newborns do stare intently at their mothers! That's a fact not a frothy romantic statement! I'm not frothy 😂

I don't understand why people are saying that you can't tell how a baby feels! Yes you can! Look at their faces!

To repeat what I said in my OP, this thread isn't about all the various reasons why a parent might want, or need, to work; it was purely an enquiry as to the child's experience.

You're a fool if you think you can look at the child experience in isolation of the parents lets be honest mothers reasons.

Yes my child.might have benefited from me Not going back to work, but in reality that would have meant staying in a house that is too small, having no money to go anywhere and being constantly stressed about lack of money. So my choice directly effects my child's experience.

Im lucky, my mil retired when I was pregnant so she does all the childcare but nursery would have happened had she not being available.

A study showed that 4 month old babies can feel shame.

No one can answer your OP can they. Not being current children in childcare.

So were you hoping that a bunch of 1 year olds may happen to be reading AIBU and could chip in with their experiences??

Well, then, if that's all you want then again I'll point out that no one can possibly say what the child's experience is. I went to nursery and can't say because, obviously, I don't remember!

And I don't see any reason why I have to leave the thread, or why I shouldn't point out that it's a nasty thread started by someone determined to make themselves feel good at the expense of other women.