Babies in Childcare - Honest Opinions Please

[ChesterBelloc]

I've read several threads recently in which people stated that so long as a baby is competently cared for in a suitable environment, it makes no difference to the child whether the adult(s) in question are the baby's parent(s) or childcare professionals.

Do you believe this?

(I'm not asking for yet another debate about the extent to which 'stay-at-home parenting' may be detrimental to women's quest for equality/career progression/intellectual stimulation etc etc. There's enough on these boards already about that.)

I'm asking whether people genuinely believe that babies have/should have no stake in the discussion; whether they think that it makes no difference to the babies themselves whether they are with their parents all day or with a nursery/childminder - and if there is a qualitative difference, which is the better option, from the child's perspective.

I'm genuinely curious to hear people's views, not trying to be goady (though fully expect to be flamed for even raising this question, due to the possible implications and inferences that could be extrapolated from it). Thank you for reading thus far!

DS1 was in full time nursery from 5 months onwards. His Dad walked out and I had no choice but to go back to work much earlier (and full time) to keep the mortgage paid. In an ideal world he'd have been at home with me for much longer but ideal worlds don't often have much in common with real worlds, so parents do what they need to do to survive.

DS2 was at home til 11 months then at a nursery 2 days a week and with MIL 1 day a week. Both DC are happy, kind and settled beautifully into school. It could be because they went to nurseries fairly early, it could be their easy-going natures, it could be because DH and I are quite laid-back. It's all guesswork, like most of parenting.

I left DD very young. But I left her with one child minder who she stayed with until she was 5. All other care was usually me or her dad and normally both at once. There were no weekends with granny while we went away rec.

In effect, she had three permanent, unchanging carers from before she can recall and nothing else. She was six before she stayed overnight with anyone but us.

She's confident, secure and very sociable. I'd do it again in a heartbeat.

What I wouldn't do would be put an under 1 in a nursery. I don't think the set up is right at all.

@MargaretCavendish I don't believe that. I think our society and employers should give us more flexibility, so that both mum and dad can take days off to look after their babies.

Of course it makes a difference. There's a whole ton of research done on this.

I think up until 3 months or so, a baby doesn't notice who is taking care of them. After that, I think they do notice and prefer being with their parents.

You are deluding yourself if you think it doesn't make a difference. Just go and visit the baby room in 6 nurseries in your area, and then come back and tell me babies under 1 are happier at nursery.

Why are you asking?

"I think it's pretty irrelevant. A baby isn't part of the discussion because they aren't part of any discussions."

Monkees - of course, babies are inarticulate so cannot make their feelings, needs, desires, preferences known to their parents or other care-givers. Therefore surely it's even more important for their parents to advocate for their child, as they cannot articulate their needs themselves.

the difference is they had one-to-one care, with free flow around a huge mansion. Nursery care is one-to-one by comparison, and in a tiny room.

Not necessarily one-to-one, and definitely the children weren't roaming freely around the house! Anyway, how does the size of room matter to an infant? I can see how it does to a toddler, but a non-mobile baby?

Why Love Matters is an excellent book by Sue Gerhardt.

This topic is important because it means that policies can be changed for future generations. Like it used to be the norm that a small child wouldn't have a parent in hospital with them but now they do.

It's all to do with attachment theory.

Have you seen newborn babies staring intently at their mothers? Of course they notice who is taking care of them!

I think childcare is great for kids aged 2 upwards. It's good for socialising, confidence and learning. But before that, I think it's awful. My DD used to work in a day nursery, rated outstanding by Ofsted but she used to hate it....some kids coped well with it, loved it even but the majority of them spent all day looking at the door for their parents to arrive. I don't know how anyone can say that is good for a young child. I think its really sad we don't place more importance on the benefit of staying home for the first 2 years and make it easier for parents to do. Instead we seem to make childcare more and more accessible............... I don't get it.

I think our society and employers should give us more flexibility, so that both mum and dad can take days off to look after their babies.

Yes. That should happen much much more. Then people would have a much better choice.

There might be a ton of research but it depends on the child. I was full time with my mum until i was about 3/4. I had horrendous seperation anxiety and i remember crying when she left me at even 6, 7, 8 years old.

My brother for comparison went to nursery i think 4 days a week from being 6 months old. He is only 5 now but he is the most confident, outgoing child. Hes bright, sociable and not anxious when not around my mum.

My own son went to nursery 3 days a week from being 9 months, and full time from around 16 months. He is v similar to my brother and i really have absolutely no guilt regarding my decision. Hes a happy, bright little boy and there is no denying the attachment he has to me and his dad. He has formed attachments with staff at his nursery and i can confidently say he adores them, and they adore him.

People used to think that babies didn't feel pain and would operate with no pain relief.

What we believe is in some ways irrelevant. Anecdotes are simply that.

Horrible thread. Wanky question.

Would love to be a SAHM. Unfortunately I have a mortgage which these days takes two full time salaries to pay.

Bore off OP.

Of course it makes a difference. There's a whole ton of research done on this.

There is a lot of research - and it's reached very different conclusions. It absolutely isn't true that it's a clear cut fact that children who are put in nursery do worse in later life. The data is - exactly as you'd expect, given all the variables involved - messy and contradictory.

Pengwyyn - just google it and actually it was until quite recently! Not the operating bit but the belief.

I think a baby would always prefer to be with a parent as first choice or another close family member as second. However babies do settle and bond with staff in nurseries and once settled they are usually happy. I’ve found that some babies settle faster than others however.
Even with responsive staff the ratio is 3-1 which means a baby is going to sometimes need to wait for attention that they wouldn’t do at home if they had no siblings or older siblings.
The biggest thing I’ve noticed is that children who go to nursery full time from babies tend to be far more reliant on peers than adults when they are ready to leave for school and although they are usually do well in ability their behaviour can often be different to children only doing the 15hours of funding. Their outside experiences are also reduced in comparison unless the nursery or childminder does frequent trips out and about in the community. The full timers are usually much more excited and yet somehow more nervous on trips out.
I think as a society we’re not helping our smallest children by both parents needing to work and the pressure we are putting on each other to not be seen as slacking by wanting to take the early years at home. When I had my eldest, income support was available for single mums til their youngest was 12. Now mums feel under pressure from when their children are pretty much babies to get back to work. Going back because you actually want to is one thing, but pressure when you’d prefer to stay home those first years is unfair and unfair to the babies if they won’t have improved quality of life (by having a happier parent, better family finance etc).