to expect the In-Laws to make a bit of an effort with daughter's diet?

[Ellybellyboo]

DD (age 16) can't have any gluten. She's coeliac and was diagnosed just over 8 years ago.

DD copes pretty well with it but has been having a bit of a hard time with it recently. She just wants to be able to go and get a burger with her mates and has been eating stuff she shouldn't. All her friends are brilliant with it, but she feels a bit awkward and like she sticks out like a sore thumb

We don't live near our families but travel up to visit every 6/8 weeks or so and we're travelling back for Christmas. Staying with my Mum and Dad, and visiting the ILs for Boxing Day.

Every single time the subject of DD's diet comes up with MiL we end up having the same conversation. MiL will always comment that "we never used to have all these allergies" that she doesn't have a clue what to feed DD and I always end up agreeing to take something with us for DD to eat or we'll go out to eat or just completely avoid mealtimes. Over the years I've given her loads of information, recipes, web addresses, etc, etc, etc

Anyway, MiL phoned last night to talk about Christmas. Doesn't know what to feed DD. I asked what they were planning to cook - cold left over meat, mashed potato, pickles, salad. I said that was fine, don't worry, DD could eat all of that. MiL said she wanted to try a new recipe with the potatoes so DD wouldn't be able to eat it. I asked MiL if she could just scoop out a portion of mash for DD first, maybe bung her a jacket potato in the oven. MiL ummed and ahhed then asked if I could just bring something with me as usual.

In all honesty, I'm just a bit fed up with it. I don't think I'm asking for the earth here. DH rang her back and told her not to worry about feeding us, that we'd come over after lunch. Now she's having a hissy fit.

Compared to my Mum - who always cooks one big gluten free meal for all of us, she hits up the Free From section in Tesco, makes stuff like pastry from scratch with GF flour. Really makes an effort and never makes DD feel uncomfortable by giving her different meals, or a crappy ready meal

MiL/FiL are good, competent cooks (FiL used to be a bloody chef) so is it really that unreasonable to expect them to make some effort?

Yes, in the olden days people with allergies either lived miserable lives or died. I can see exactly why she wants to rereate those days, oh yes.

Silly old fart.

recreate those days! FFS!

I have so much sympathy for people whose children have severe allergies or coeliac disease. There seems to be a huge swathe of the population who believe that because these things apparently didn't exist in "their" day, that anyone who has them now must just be an oversensitive fusspot.

There's a kind of wilful stupidity about it - so even though the OP has given her MIL leaflets about what coeliac disease is, she refuses to believe in its existence and goes out of her way to be as unaccommodating as she possibly can. I think I would want to slap her. I realise that isn't helpful.

Does fil not say or do anything?
Did I read he used to be a chef?

Yes, FiL used to be a chef.

Actually, he's step-FiL and tends to stay out of stuff like this. He doesn't care if we visit or not to be honest. He'll take the kids to the park or whatever, but can take them or leave them.

MiL is the one who is very vocal.

It's all very dysfunctional to be honest. DH didn't have the greatest time growing up. It's all very odd - to me anyway

How's your relationship with sFIL? Is it the sort where you might be alone together for a little while so you can have a conversation with him? If you were to emphasise that he, as a chef (flatter him) obviously will understand about food and coeliac disease, and then point out that if he were to talk to MIL so she takes it as seriously as he would if he were at work, then ultimately he would be making her happy as then the dds could come to stay.

Ashamed to say my ‘D’F is one of those attention seeking twats who say they can’t have gluten because it’s the trend. Condition seems to magically disappear when there’s a tasty non-gluten free cake on offer though.

The above poster's observation might be key here OP, does your MIL know that your daughter has been eating gluten?

I have Ulcerative Colitis which is a form of Inflammatory Bowel Disease & I go through periods of remission & flare ups; flare ups can lead to me being hospitalized, needing a blood transfusion & Immunosuppressant medication / steroids. It also increases my chances of certain cancers so it's imperative I do whatever I can to stay in remission such as avoiding certain foods that I know will cause me to have a reaction / flare at all costs.

Now there were times during my teenage years, just like your DD, when I ate the offending foods anyway due to the social situation I was in, just wanting to feel normal / not make a fuss or simply because I'd been weak & not able to resist & justified it to myself as "a bit won't hurt" (but oh but how it did). Being so young, I didn't quite grasp the seriousness of my condition or the cumulative effect on my health that eating those foods would have, my parents on the other hand were almost militant in ensuring I avoided these foods.

Unfortunately though, the people who witnessed me eating these offending foods then took my condition much less seriously after that & therefore made less effort to accommodate me which I can understand, they'd seen me eat XYZ after all (but not the painful after effects) so in their mind, eating XYZ again as a one off meal shouldn't be a problem. They also assumed my parents were exaggerating the seriousness of my condition as again in their minds, if the effects were that bad surely I wouldn't choose to eat those foods. Some outright doubted that anything was wrong with me at all because just like in the quote above, they assumed my condition magically disappeared when it suited me when in actual fact, there were other reasons behind why I ate those foods.

I'm not saying it's right but could something like this possibly explain why your MIL is so dismissive?

It does sound very dysfunctional OP, and MIL's behaviour suggests she's projecting her past ill-treatment of her son onto her granddaughter. Most grandparents, loving grandparents that is, would go out of their way to educate themselves about coeliac disease and gluten free eating. Because that's what you do when you love someone and don't want to make them ill.

I've been coeliac for all the time I've been with my husband and my dd has recently been diagnosed. My mil has always been good at trying to cook with gf flour etc and buying a load of bits from the free from section. However, I know she thinks I'm being a drama queen when I talk about cross contamination. It came to a head in the summer when we were all in a villa in Spain. Bread with every meal with bread crumbs everywhere. When I said everyone needed to be more careful and even a crumb could make us ill, the response was 'well diabetics can have some sugar'!!

I would be upset with your mil. I dread the teenage years as there's nothing worse than feeling you're different or left out. It's so easy these days to make a whole meal gf.

It's very weird that 30 sets of parents can be bothered to accommodate the needs of two children with coeliac disease in my DCs class consistently through parties, shared class cakes etc. for 5 years now, but your mil can't be bothered with her own granddaughter's needs.

(I’ve not read the whole post because I’d imagine it’d upset me... but....)
As a coeliac, you sound like a bloody brilliant mum. Thank you for sticking up for your daughter
Secondly, I wouldn’t eat at your MILs irregardless if she caves now. If there’s gluten being cooked at the same time and that’s her attitude I would worry about cross contamination - she won’t be careful enough.
Please tell your daughter it does get easier but she can do some really serious damage (Which I’m sure she already knows) - I’m currently dealing with separated abs because of eating gluten pre-diagnosis because my guts have literally pushed my muscles out the way. Being coeliac is an awesome way of finding out who your real friends are 😊

I have to say I’m loving all of these stories of people being so accommodating of the gf diet, it’s heartening to hear.

I also think the idea that non-celiacs who don’t eat gluten are attention seeking is a bit of a myth. I think that in the vast majority of cases, people do it because it makes them feel better. I avoid eggs because it makes me feel better, but I’ll eat them here and there because the consequences aren’t the same as if I, as a celiac, eat gluten. If I could eat gluten here and there, I would, so I don’t begrudge those that avoid it generally the occasional cookie! I think most people are able to understand this difference. (Though it is annoying that so many restaurants aren’t genuinely gf)

I don’t think that non-celiacs avoiding gluten is what makes my in-laws unable/unwilling to cook safely for me, or the OP’s in-laws. There’s something else at play and I don’t know exactly what it is, but it’s not kind!

I'd also be worried about eating at MILs in future, as I bet she is wanting to 'test' DD by sneaking a bit of gluten in so she can go 'see! nothing wrong!' and 'fix' her by having her in the holidays. Be cautious!

Building on what @mybreast said, about something else going on. I agree with this.

I have wondered about this too. I know in my MIL's case she has an aversion to the idea of any heritable conditions, health problems that may get passed on, or that anything might be in the genes.

The most ridiculous thing about this is that it's OVER A MONTH until Christmas and your MIL refuses to accommodate making a bit of extra mashed potato with MORE THAN A MONTH ADVANCE NOTICE!!!!

She's turning what I would struggle to consider as even a tiny inconvenience (peeling a couple of extra potatoes for the mash) into a massive drama. Of course it wouldn't inconvenience her to make a bit of extra mash when she's already planning on making some for whatever dish she's planning, she just wants to force you to bring separate food for you DD so she doesn't have to accommodate her on principal because she resents minimally catering to your dd's dietary restrictions. That's what it sounds like to me anyway.

URNBU.

I think you should give her home a miss until she can learn better etiquette.

I don’t eat gluten or dairy. Last time at my MIL’s home she prepared a great meal for everyone else, then rummaged around in her freezer and produced some ancient frosted up piece of fish in breadcrumbs. When I politely pointed out that breadcrumbs have gluten, I got a shrug and ‘Well at least I tried’.

When she comes to my home she gets lovely food with lots of choices.

I don’t intend going to her home again for a long time.

I am so interested reading this today. My son is Coeliac. Was diagnosed before he was 2. I can’t abide it when people refer to it as an “allergy” and think that’s it’s just a fad. He is so so sick when he’s eaten gluten. I’m sorry about your situation OP. That sort of attitude would drive me nuts. Sounds to me like she’s burying her head in the sand and refusing to understand the situation. That’s a terrible attitude from a family member imo.

TBH, with that much notice it shouldn't matter why she is not eating it.

We had a veggie friend stay for Christmas last year. She suffers from chronic psoriasis which is pretty horrific and in the quest to try anything which might help she had been advised to try going gluten and dairy free.

We live abroad and she emailed me a list of foods to add to my shopping list and when she got here, she and I worked together to make sure the meals were all ok.

Had she just rocked up and started complaining that she couldn't eat x,y and z I probably would have been pissed off but she opened dialogue and we sorted it together.

You have done everything right and she is being obtuse. She clearly doesn't think this is a big deal and I don't think you can change her mind.

It’s nit hard to accommodate a coeliac, so your mother in law is being very unreasonable.

Definitely go somewhere else to eat.

MiL is selfish and uncaring. Why would she want to make her DGD feel excluded? My DGD was medically advised to eat GF for 6 months (following surgery at 5 yrs old) and I absolutely made sure I always had GF bread and brownies or suchlike to feed her. Lots of food is easy as PP said, roast dinners are not difficult at all. Sack the meanies off.

I have them same thing with my Dad and Stepmother about my daughter’s lactose intolerance, I know it’s not as serious as an allergy but she will end up in a lot of pain for a good 24hrs if she has dairy. They don’t seem to understand why she can’t eat macaroni cheese and ice cream etc. and make her feel like a real pita. Stepmum also thinks it’s all pretend and will continually question what made the Dr come to that conclusion! For some people anything that is a little out of the ordinary that they don’t understand is simply an inconvenience that they’d rather ignore. Funnily enough, similarly to you, other family members are more than happy to get dairy free products from the supermarket so that she can have the same meal as everyone else. I don’t have any answer about how to get your mil to comprehend your daughters allergy but I do sympathise with you and her for the feeling of being an inconvenience. I hope your dh can get her to see sense.

YANBU. GF is easy to accommodate for a weekend. Can buy posh crisps, choc and sweets. Lots of food Is GF by default. Gravy can be made with cornflour. Does she think it is a fad?

The answer to "in my day..." is "yes, isn't it sad they all just died instead"

Tell her that in the past it would have been called "failure to thrive" and the child would not have made it to adulthood.