to expect the In-Laws to make a bit of an effort with daughter's diet?

[Ellybellyboo]

DD (age 16) can't have any gluten. She's coeliac and was diagnosed just over 8 years ago.

DD copes pretty well with it but has been having a bit of a hard time with it recently. She just wants to be able to go and get a burger with her mates and has been eating stuff she shouldn't. All her friends are brilliant with it, but she feels a bit awkward and like she sticks out like a sore thumb

We don't live near our families but travel up to visit every 6/8 weeks or so and we're travelling back for Christmas. Staying with my Mum and Dad, and visiting the ILs for Boxing Day.

Every single time the subject of DD's diet comes up with MiL we end up having the same conversation. MiL will always comment that "we never used to have all these allergies" that she doesn't have a clue what to feed DD and I always end up agreeing to take something with us for DD to eat or we'll go out to eat or just completely avoid mealtimes. Over the years I've given her loads of information, recipes, web addresses, etc, etc, etc

Anyway, MiL phoned last night to talk about Christmas. Doesn't know what to feed DD. I asked what they were planning to cook - cold left over meat, mashed potato, pickles, salad. I said that was fine, don't worry, DD could eat all of that. MiL said she wanted to try a new recipe with the potatoes so DD wouldn't be able to eat it. I asked MiL if she could just scoop out a portion of mash for DD first, maybe bung her a jacket potato in the oven. MiL ummed and ahhed then asked if I could just bring something with me as usual.

In all honesty, I'm just a bit fed up with it. I don't think I'm asking for the earth here. DH rang her back and told her not to worry about feeding us, that we'd come over after lunch. Now she's having a hissy fit.

Compared to my Mum - who always cooks one big gluten free meal for all of us, she hits up the Free From section in Tesco, makes stuff like pastry from scratch with GF flour. Really makes an effort and never makes DD feel uncomfortable by giving her different meals, or a crappy ready meal

MiL/FiL are good, competent cooks (FiL used to be a bloody chef) so is it really that unreasonable to expect them to make some effort?

Agree with: Sounds to me like she understands what to feed your DD, she just doesn't agree with it, so is being deliberately useless to make some kind of point and make it look like you guys are being difficult.

She was happy to serve a meal, only changing it to make it not suitable to "prove" it's more effort to feed your DD a GF diet so you should stop being 'precious'. But you can see that this time, she is doing the exact opposite, she has decided to make a more complex meal than otherwise she would, (new recipe, it's not like this is something she does regularly), in order to make it not suitable for you DD, so that she has to be catered differently.

Your MIL is trying to find a way to exclude your DD. IF she's got form of having favourites, then this seems par for the course, she had a simple meal planned that would be inclusive. She's choosing to make something else, just so you have to bring a packed meal for DD and highlight her "different" status.

I would go a different route. This Christmas, go after lunch. From then on, refuse to go to PIL, invite them to you "oh but MIL, you just don't seem to be able to cater for DD without it being a huge fuss, so you can come to us, as we can cater for you easily." "hosting us is clearly too much for you, so we won't come to you again." Sod that.

Sounds like your H has the measure of it now that he's said youo'll go up AFTER lunch.

If she moans then you can be straight with her, 'we don't come up for meals because you INSIST on making sure our DD is excluded, so we prefer to eat at home and see you whenever.'

Thanks all!

DD doesn't have real violent reactions to it, I think that's why she's got a bit blasé.

She never has gluten at home, none of us do really (I might sneak in a cream cake when she's at school) but I bake a lot, and there's more (and nicer) GF stuff in the shops so that's all we ever really have.

It's when she's out. She had horrible bloating last night - this morning I found a chocolate brownie wrapper in her school bag. Her friends normally frogmarch her to Pizza Hut, or a little local cafe which do loads of GF cakes

Our GP has actually referred her to CAMHS

So stuff like this with MiL isn't helping

We've left it that we'll go over to the inlaws after lunch. She can have her strop

Yanbu

I think skipping lunch with the in laws is the right thing to do here.

Your dd isnt being picky or a faddy eater, she has a diagnosed medical condition. Which, especially these days, is relatively easy to cater for. But which mil consistently refuses to attempt to do so.

If teenagers can accommodate DDs diet as you say her friends do, then certainly grown adults can manage not to deliberately exclude her at every opportunity!

Take a potato with you and put it in MIL’s oven as soon as you get there. With luck, she’ll just be shamed enough by that. Maybe say “mum gave me a spud to cook here” so she knows other people know.

This is in part an unfortunate side effect of all the whiny, attention-seeking twats who do not have coeliac/diabetes or any dangerous other food allergy but who have read some bullshit on the internet and self-diagnosed some Interesting and Special syndrome.
Your MIL is being a cow about it, though. Does she resent your DD for not being born a boy, or something? Her attitude seems genuinely spiteful.

Ugh. I’m posting in sympathy really. It’s just can’t be arsed/I don’t believe you behaviour from your ILs.

My DS has a peanut allergy and needs to carry an epipen. Last time we were at ILs they had a bowl of fecking peanuts sitting on the table. DH removed them and MIL asked what DH thought he was doing! When DH reminded her she had the gall to say, oh does he still have that, in a dismissive tone. DS is a teenager now and was diagnosed when 9 months. She was about to kick off and make a fuss until I asked how far away the nearest hospital was in minutes.

Mind you, MIL thinks another grandchild is going to spontaneously grow out of her T1 diabetes and truly believes it’s just a phase.

There’s not a lot you can do about Stupid. Sympathies.

I always make an effort for a coeliac relative, however it is daunting as it is always a worry you might make a mistake or cross contaminate and make the person ill.

"Sounds to me like she understands what to feed your DD, she just doesn't agree with it, so is being deliberately useless to make some kind of point and make it look like you guys are being difficult."

You need to twist it round and tell her that she is being the difficult one.

Ashamed to say my ‘D’F is one of those attention seeking twats who say they can’t have gluten because it’s the trend. Condition seems to magically disappear when there’s a tasty non-gluten free cake on offer though. So sorry that people like him make it hard for people like your DD.

Actually frazmum annoying as that sort of behaviour is, it can be hekpful in some ways. The more people on the gf bandwagon, the more we are catered for by the mainstream.

I have celiac, my in-laws don’t “get it” and it’s a huge problem and has majorly damaged my relationship with them. I’m at a point where I don’t know how we can visit them because we don’t live near them and I can’t safely eat in their house unless DH and I take over absolutely all of the cooking. They’re also prodigious bread eaters and there are always crumbs that make their way into supposedly gf meals.

I spent years feeling like it was my fault for being difficult. I actually find this thread helpful because it’s nice to see so many people who understand. Unfortunately in person, it’s often different. I definitely encourage you to do anything you can do to show your daughter that she is accepted just the way she is and I’m glad to hear both you and your husband see your MIL as the problem here.

I don’t mind the gluten free trend thing because it has raised awareness and food availability overall. Initially it muddied the waters but now people seem quite capable of distinguishing between sensitive and celiac. Though I do hate that restaurants can be gf without being safe for celiacs. I also think that most people who avoid gluten without having celiac do genuinely feel better for it and I won’t begrudge them that.

Yes, definitely agree that the more people cut out gluten, the better it is for people like DD

There is so much more available now than there was 8 years ago

Sorry, posted before I’d finished typing

There’s so much more available than there was 8 years ago and it’s so much nicer, and cheaper. I bought some GF profiteroles from sainsbury’s the other day. They were lush!

I get a lot of the same symptoms as DD. I was tested but my blood test came back clear. I get horrible bloating if I eat too much gluten. As a family we eat so much less and I definitely feel better for it

I was in Asda yesterday and they have the hugest range of gluten free foods in any supermarket I have visited.

Does your MIL understand how damaging gluten can actually be with repeat exposure over the long term? If she thinks it's like allergies she may think that it's just an initial set of symptoms then sorts itself out (I know that's also not the case with a lot of allergies but its a common perception)

She should be making every effort to try and cook so your DD isn't made to feel left out or different, especially as she's finding things difficult at the monent. Like you say there are so many gluten free options available, so she really has no excuse

What a nasty bitch. I feel so bad for your dd

Can I suggest that the more she strops, the less you visit? None of you, but especially your dd, deserve this. If she’s going to tantrum like a child then you should treat her like a child

I only saying this the other day that the current 'gluten avoidance' fad must be so hard on genuine coeliacs. My SIL claims to allergic to gluten but she is not, it's a food choice. Same as her dairy intolerance and now her attempts to go sugar free. All choices.

I grew up with a close friend who.went through a terrible time before she was properly diagnosed as coeliac. It's a tough one. Easy to say don't eat there, but unfair to single out DD or let her take responsibilit for the family not eating. Can your DH not say something. It seems pig headed if she chooses to make a new recipe that her grand daughter can't eat.

Can you try and guilt trip her back by saying that it is clear she doesn't want you to visit because she won't cater for your daughter's very genuine dietary needs?

If your MIL pulls out the old "We didn't have allergies like that in our day" you can point out that kids had what was known as "Failure to Thrive" and some keeled over and died suddenly with no known cause. She's being a total dick about this.
Fellow coeliac. It's boring, but workable. At least there are savoury options available now. When I was diagnosed, all I could get anywhere was orange and bloody almond cake. (Which is awesome, but not ALL the time).

Your MIL is being an arse I think not going for meals is the right move.

Tempting as it is to get into a big show down over this with your MiL I'd advise against it for your dd's sake. Sticking up for her by not eating there is perfect, feeling responsible for her dad falling out with his mum is a guilt trip she could do without.

It is certainly true that the current fad for being gluten free has helped raise the profile of free from foods, and that has drastically increased both the range and quality of gluten free food available.

However, I am constantly having to explain to restaurants that no, if they fry their chips in the same oil as their onion rings or calamari, then they aren't gluten free, and I don't care if someone else said that was fine, it isn't ok for people who genuinely can't eat gluten, such as coeliacs . Or that, if they're going to offer sandwiches made with gluten free bread, then they have to have separate preparation areas, separate butter, separate toaster etc etc.

Our gluten poisoning incidents all happened in establishments that claim to cater for coeliacs...our local family-run Italian managed to mix up the normal and gluten free pasta and our local Domino's got the order wrong (but claimed we'd made the mistake).

The worst one, as I said in a previous post, was at a family wedding when a very reputable hotel gave my children normal pastry instead of gluten free pastry, after making a big deal of going out of their way to make them gluten free canapes. That time, we'd travelled 6 hours only to spend four hours trapped in one toilet cubicle (all three DDs and me looking after them) whilst they vomited out the poison (sorry to be graphic). They did offer us a room, but we suggested that it wouldn't look very good if we staggered through the reception holding vomit-filled buckets.

Sorry for the rant - but people like your MIL make me so cross and I can't believe that she would be so inconsiderate of her grand-daughter. The more I think about it, the more angry I am on your behalf.

This is in part an unfortunate side effect of all the whiny, attention-seeking twats who do not have coeliac/diabetes or any dangerous other food allergy but who have read some bullshit on the internet and self-diagnosed some Interesting and Special syndrome.

And I think someone else has already said upstream that the more faddy people they are, the greater the availability of gluten free food.

Can I take this opportunity to recommend chocolate brownies (with gluten free chocolate) made with chickpea flour? The mixture tastes bad (DS2 won't scrape out the bowl), but once cooked, they are so much nicer than brownies made with GF flour which I find tends to have an uncooked taste to it.

I do acknowledge, though, that GF chocolate brownies are no replacement for a potato - baked or mashed.