to expect the In-Laws to make a bit of an effort with daughter's diet?

[Ellybellyboo]

DD (age 16) can't have any gluten. She's coeliac and was diagnosed just over 8 years ago.

DD copes pretty well with it but has been having a bit of a hard time with it recently. She just wants to be able to go and get a burger with her mates and has been eating stuff she shouldn't. All her friends are brilliant with it, but she feels a bit awkward and like she sticks out like a sore thumb

We don't live near our families but travel up to visit every 6/8 weeks or so and we're travelling back for Christmas. Staying with my Mum and Dad, and visiting the ILs for Boxing Day.

Every single time the subject of DD's diet comes up with MiL we end up having the same conversation. MiL will always comment that "we never used to have all these allergies" that she doesn't have a clue what to feed DD and I always end up agreeing to take something with us for DD to eat or we'll go out to eat or just completely avoid mealtimes. Over the years I've given her loads of information, recipes, web addresses, etc, etc, etc

Anyway, MiL phoned last night to talk about Christmas. Doesn't know what to feed DD. I asked what they were planning to cook - cold left over meat, mashed potato, pickles, salad. I said that was fine, don't worry, DD could eat all of that. MiL said she wanted to try a new recipe with the potatoes so DD wouldn't be able to eat it. I asked MiL if she could just scoop out a portion of mash for DD first, maybe bung her a jacket potato in the oven. MiL ummed and ahhed then asked if I could just bring something with me as usual.

In all honesty, I'm just a bit fed up with it. I don't think I'm asking for the earth here. DH rang her back and told her not to worry about feeding us, that we'd come over after lunch. Now she's having a hissy fit.

Compared to my Mum - who always cooks one big gluten free meal for all of us, she hits up the Free From section in Tesco, makes stuff like pastry from scratch with GF flour. Really makes an effort and never makes DD feel uncomfortable by giving her different meals, or a crappy ready meal

MiL/FiL are good, competent cooks (FiL used to be a bloody chef) so is it really that unreasonable to expect them to make some effort?

Allergies to wheat can be a damn sight more serious than coeliacs disease so I don't understand why some posters are taking the "people need to understand it's not an allergy" line. Im coeliac and if I get a mouthful of gluten I'll be ill for 24 hours - very unpleasant (and pot very harmful if it keeps happening). If my neighbour with a wheat allergy gets a mouthful she collapses, we jab her with epipens and she's blue lighted to hospital. Makes me very glad to "only" be a coeliac.

YANBU and after 8 years your ILs should really have sorted out their cooking by now. It's not fair for your DD to be left out of family meals, it's bad enough when she's eating out with her friends.

Whenever i cook for people who have allergies i always make one meal that everyone can enjoy. It's a lot easier than having to explain which dishes they can/can't eat. Tomorrow is a gluten free dinner, next week I have a friend over who's allergic to diary.

Personally i'd stop going to your inlaws for meals and if they complain, just tell them the reason why.

Just out of curiosity tell her your dh has it now and see if she changes her tune for pfb.

Sorry, x-posted - I don't think she's scared of making DD ill.

I honestly think she's never bothered to read any of the stuff we've given her or listened to us when we've tried to explain it, and is entrenched in her opinion that it's some newfangled allergy/fussy nonsense

DD doesn't really react to teeny tiny traces, so they don't have to worry about using plates or spoons and stuff like that (as long as they're washed up first)

Christmas left overs are the easiest thing to feed her. Cold turkey, bit of mash, some salad, job done.

She sounds like a real test. Just stop eating there.

DH's sister is the PFB/golden child.

Probably has something to do with it

I’d avoid an unnecessary battle and just assume I was bringing something. We’ve always done that with vegetarian daughter as grandparents either gave her fish fingers (!) or bought a disgusting vegetarian ready meal that she wouldn’t eat. Even if we were having ham, egg and chips and I said she could just have egg and chips.
Some people just don’t really understand different food preferences and needs. I don’t think they’re being unkind, I just think they don’t get it.

Sounds to me like she understands what to feed your DD, she just doesn't agree with it, so is being deliberately useless to make some kind of point and make it look like you guys are being difficult. The only thing she may not understand is the difference between diagnosed coeliac and self-diagnosed gluten tolerance, but sounds like she's had enough years to get her head round it!

My MIL spent last weekend doing something similar to me about what I am/am not eating in pregnancy. She kept saying she didn't understand and it was all too complicated - she knew perfectly well but thought the modern guidelines are way over-cautious so spent all weekend trying to feed me unpasteurised cheese, rare meat, pate and alcohol to try and make me look like I was being difficult, and demonstrate that she didn't agree. She does the same with BIL/SIL who are pescatarian, loads of meals we could all eat (PILs love fish/seafood) but she always makes a meat main course then huffs about having to do them something separate.

No real advice, just and sympathy, and great that your DH is standing up to her.

The thing about "just bringing sonething" is that it will make the OP's dd feel more different and less accepted just at the time when she needs to feel the oposite. I quite often take along food for myself to things like parties where im one of many and the host may not understand gf eating but I don't accept invitations to dinner from people who can't be bothered to feed me and make me feel like I'm a nuisance.

What does your DH think about HIS mother's behaviour?
Why does MIL ring you to discuss catering? Why not DH? DD is HIS DD too.

BarbarianMum what do you mean? Coeliac disease can cause stomach cancer, how is it not more serious than an allergy?

I think PPs are right, your MIL willfully doesn’t want to understand. Coeliac is autoimmune - my DP is T1 diabetic and her behaviour is no different to if someone was tutting at him doing his insulin. It’s a serious and dangerous illness, refusing to support someone’s health issue is just mean, especially her own granddaughter.

I’d try one last time to send her some info about it, and how it’s not being fussy or an intollerance, and it she still can’t get on board you just don’t eat there.

YANBU. She's being passive aggressively difficult about it in order to make her point (presumably her point being that 'all these allergies' are nothing serious, just attention-seeking nonsense that people never would have got away with in 'her day'). Either don't eat there or give her a massive lecture about how serious an auto-immune disease coeliac is and how disappointed you are that her love for her granddaughter and sympathy about her disease are not more important than her ignorant and outdated opinions on medical issues she does not understand.

She is deliberately being obtuse. Why have fine mash 364 days of the year and add extras that her granddaughter cannot eat the one day she is there?

Have lunch at home, and you never know there might be bad weather and you won't have to visit at all.

Paper yes coeliacs can kill you over time, with repeated exposure to gluten, but thankfully 1 trace of flour or bread crumb does not equal cancer. If you are anaphylactic to wheat however then 1 crumb can equal major systems failure and death within the hour. Personally, I'm glad i got the coeliacs.

They are being massively rude. As a host, you cater to the needs of your guests when they arrive, all the more so if they are medical. Your requests are simple, and they are being horrible in not being more helpful. I would personally ring and say "I get the feeling that it's too much effort for you to cater for DD, so we think it would be best to visit between meals, for just a couple of hours. We can eat at my mother's". And DO leave after 2-3 hours. Let them bear some of the consequences of their own behaviour.

This is who she is and your DH handled it perfectly. Bring your own food or don’t eat with them and stop trying to inform the woman; she doesn’t care.

I totally understand your frustration but you’re attempts at getting through to her, are only feeding the drama.

Thanks!

I spoke to MiL and not DH as he wasn't home when she rang. He called her back when he got in.

We do take stuff with us sometimes. If, for example, we're going to a friend's for a BBQ, I'll take some of DD's burgers and rolls (although most friends cater for her anyway).

When we visit MiL we don't go from home. She lives near my mum, so we usually stay with my mum and then visit the inlaws (they don't have room for all of us and MiL doesn't like our dog). It's not that easy to just raid the freezer, although my mum will always pack something up for us - plus, it's just a bloody potato.

DD is finding it all quite hard at the moment it all just adds to it. When she was younger it was fine, but the last few years she's just feels awkward and uncomfortable when stuff like this happens.

Your in laws are being arses, but I’m most concerned that your DD has been deliberately eating gluten when out with friends. That’s less than ideal. Even small accidental exposures can keep antibody levels raised and cause damage to her gut (possible thyroid and brain too depending on exactly what type antibodies she’s producing).
The important thing that she needs to realise is, she will not necessarily have immediate, noticeable gut pain. A significant minority of coeliac have the condition “silently” ie with no symptoms, or at least not symptoms that are immediately attributable to diet, but they can have serious gut damage, and other issues that are a consequence of that damage (inability to absorb nutrients etc).

I’m sure you know all that, but does your DD know and UNDERSTAND it, really? I appreciate it’s tough to be a teen and different, I was a teen with a medical issue myself.
Does she get antibody checks? That might be a wake up for her. Someone on a truly gluten free diet should have no/low gluten antibodies after a few months... does she have any random symptoms that may be due to gluten even if she’s not getting gut pain/bloating? Skin rashes/cystic spots/headaches/balance problems/mouth ulcers etc

The majority of people with wheat allergy or intolerance don't have anaphylactic reactions to it - that's more typically seen with peanuts and shellfish. So your neighbour's case is unusual.

^ to BarbarianMum

It's bad enough being a teenager and not being able to eat the same as your friends when you're out and about, but to have a close member of your family refuse to cater for your DD is appalling.

My three DDs are all coeliac (one is 14 and the DTs are 12). They react incredibly badly to eating gluten - within 2 hours they are vomiting violently and uncontrollably for 3-4 hours and are completely exhausted for a good couple of days afterwards. And each time it happens, their reaction gets worse.

I agree with your DH and with other posters - if your MIL can't be bothered to chuck a jacket potato in the oven for your DD, then don't eat there. Don't pander to her by taking something for DD - that's just enabling her behaviour and making your DD feel more awkward. And if she throws a hissy fit, then DH can tell her it's either that or you don't come at all, because you won't let your DD be deliberately excluded from a family meal.

Elly

re your earlier comment:-
DH's sister is the PFB/golden child.
Probably has something to do with it

There is no probably about it so your DH (and in turn his family unit) are scapegoated and treated like this. Your MIL is being deliberately awkward here to get her point across. I would completely reassess your whole relationship with them. Your attempts to further educate MIL were a waste of time anyway because she simply does not want to know.

This is just being awkward for awkward sake. It’s so unnecessary too. Especially if PILs are good cooks. How much trouble is it to scoop some plain potato out and put it aside before they start tiddling with it. I’m not a great cook/Baker, but I can make really nice things substituting Doves farm gf flour and a few other alterations to every day meals and treats.

Your DH handled it perfectly. Let her have her hissy fit. She’s the one making it so difficult to go there to eat. And unless she rings up and says she has worked out a way to make sure DD has something suitable for her, the stick to the after lunch visit. If she is upset, well there’s an easy way round that. There’d have to be a bloody good reason (injury, illness, disability) for me not to want to make a nice and suitable meal for my Son or daughters families.

Most grandmothers I know bend over backwards to make sure that when their grandchildren visit they have food that they will like and enjoy let alone making sure that the are not given foods that would make them ill.

It does sound as if she doesn't believe that coeliac disease is a real condition.

Not a relevant point but I can't think how a white sauce would improve mash potato. It makes it sound as if she is making a point.

And just to reiterate RidingWindhorses' point...the last episode of gluten poisoning my DDs suffered was at a family wedding (entirely the fault of the venue). Their cousin, who is also coeliac, didn't suffer at all, but our consultant gastroenterologist said that this was quite common and didn't necessarily mean he was less sensitive to gluten, just that his symptoms of gluten poisoning were different. The consultant was almost pleased that our DDs react in the way they do, as it ensures they are much more careful with their diet than someone who doesn't have such a violent and unpleasant reaction.

So please do ask your DD to be careful. When my DDs go to McDonald's after school, they just have chips, which are fine. They can go to Nando's, Pizza Hut, Pizza Express and various other restaurants and their friends are generally really accommodating in ensuring they always go somewhere they can eat.