to expect the In-Laws to make a bit of an effort with daughter's diet?

[Ellybellyboo]

DD (age 16) can't have any gluten. She's coeliac and was diagnosed just over 8 years ago.

DD copes pretty well with it but has been having a bit of a hard time with it recently. She just wants to be able to go and get a burger with her mates and has been eating stuff she shouldn't. All her friends are brilliant with it, but she feels a bit awkward and like she sticks out like a sore thumb

We don't live near our families but travel up to visit every 6/8 weeks or so and we're travelling back for Christmas. Staying with my Mum and Dad, and visiting the ILs for Boxing Day.

Every single time the subject of DD's diet comes up with MiL we end up having the same conversation. MiL will always comment that "we never used to have all these allergies" that she doesn't have a clue what to feed DD and I always end up agreeing to take something with us for DD to eat or we'll go out to eat or just completely avoid mealtimes. Over the years I've given her loads of information, recipes, web addresses, etc, etc, etc

Anyway, MiL phoned last night to talk about Christmas. Doesn't know what to feed DD. I asked what they were planning to cook - cold left over meat, mashed potato, pickles, salad. I said that was fine, don't worry, DD could eat all of that. MiL said she wanted to try a new recipe with the potatoes so DD wouldn't be able to eat it. I asked MiL if she could just scoop out a portion of mash for DD first, maybe bung her a jacket potato in the oven. MiL ummed and ahhed then asked if I could just bring something with me as usual.

In all honesty, I'm just a bit fed up with it. I don't think I'm asking for the earth here. DH rang her back and told her not to worry about feeding us, that we'd come over after lunch. Now she's having a hissy fit.

Compared to my Mum - who always cooks one big gluten free meal for all of us, she hits up the Free From section in Tesco, makes stuff like pastry from scratch with GF flour. Really makes an effort and never makes DD feel uncomfortable by giving her different meals, or a crappy ready meal

MiL/FiL are good, competent cooks (FiL used to be a bloody chef) so is it really that unreasonable to expect them to make some effort?

[SillyYak]

OK, sorry to hear your daughter's mental health is suffering trying to live with coeliac during the tough teenage years.

Been raising a coeliac for 3 years here, DD, who was diagnosed at 18months. Grateful every day that her symptoms were identified correctly fairly swiftly as I know many wait years. Struggled with the diet at first but now take it in my stride, as many PP have said before me, it's not that hard.

But what persists are these awkward social situations and my fear of what that means for DD's confidence and mental well being long term. I worry particularly that having to be so vigilant about food now will lead to eating disorders in the future.

Like OP, we have contrasting approaches when it comes to DM and DMIL. DM immediately joined coeliac UK and brushed up on what to do to keep DD safe, always cooks completely GF meal for everyone when we go round. But then I am her PFB! DBIL and his entire family are vegan, so at extended family gatherings there, DD's needs are understood as equivalent to the vegans' (ie a pain to be borne by martyr MIL), which used to boil my piss, esp when DD was still a toddler and having gluten around meant I could never relax for fear DD would get hold of it.

DP helped me see things differently. Being not PFB he is well acquainted with having his needs put second. He advised that for my own mental health, and to teach resilience to DD, that I should massively lower my expectations. And for me, it really helps if I simply don't expect people who aren't living with coeliac to understand. Before DD's diagnosis I'd never given a thought to what people with dietary needs go through, so it's easy to put myself back into that mindset when I need to.

Goodness knows if this the right approach for OP, or anyone else on hereand it is so lovely to be among coeliacs for a changebut it works for me. Does anyone else have any mental hacks that help them turn things around and find a happy place when they are confronted with this everyday social awkwardness?

So many social occasions revolve around food, but the food is not why we get together, we get together to be together--i guess that's another one of mine.

And OP, if you've read this far (sorry for the essay!) at DD's last clinic the paed. gast. said external symptoms of glutening frequently disappear in adolescence, making it even more tempting for teenage coeliacs to stray. Has anyone else been this?

[SillyYak]

OP not OK

[CallMeDollFace]

Mashed potato and white sauce gratin? Bleurgh. Don’t eat there anyway!

[pollymere]

It's really not difficult to get stuff without gluten if you try. I buy gluten free sausages for Christmas as I can't have yeast. It's not tricky to plan a gluten free meal...as you've pointed out mashed potato is gluten free already! You have my complete sympathy. Perhaps it's time to ask why she feels it necessary to exclude her granddaughter from family meals in this way. My dd has an unusual food allergy btw...and people are extremely rude and ignore it so she ends up ill. If this is your MIL, don't take that chance!

[Abbylee]

You cannot make people change. They change if they want to change. Mil is not going to ever be supportive like your mother. Your choice for least unhappiness is to stop comparing them or expecting anything from mil.

I'm sorry about your dd. (And mil)

[PurplePenguins]

Your MIL is being incredibly nasty. My DS has allergies that have put him in hospital. It doesn't take much effort to accommodate his needs yet my then MIL deliberately put some in the food to "see if I was telling the truth or just being awkward". My DS nearly died and spent Christmas in hospital. Yes she is BVU to deliberately make a GF meal unsuitable for her GD. I would have to have it out with her. Why is she being so evil as to single your DD out like this? If she doesn't want to cook for you ALL then don't but don't make DD feel any more uncomfortable about it than she already does. I agree with you DH tho OP avoid eating there xx

[Justanothernameonthepage]

! purple please say she apologized at the very least. But how awful of her.
Hoping you don't eat at hers anymore.
(I have an Anaphylactic reaction to horses. My SIL once went riding before visiting when I was 6 months pregnant. Luckily she mentioned it to DH on the doorstep and he blocked her from coming in. She spent the next year complaining that we were being cruel that we wouldn't let her in or hug DS. We don't really see her anymore. I can imagine if I'd ended up in hospital we'd not see her at all)

[MollyHuaCha]

Purple that’s terrible. Verging on a criminal offence I would say. What is the matter** with some people?

With my dairy intolerance I’ve had the same. The problem is, I don’t drop to the floor comatose after inadvertently consuming dairy, so the poisoner thought her theory was correct.

It was a few hours later when the vomiting and diarhhoea started. And by that time the person who poisoned me was no longer with me. I chose not to tell them how ill their food had made me, assuming it had been a mistake.

But months later they proudly told me that I had consumed dairy at their home ‘and you didn’t even notice, did you?’.

[Happydoingitjusttheonce]

I’m sick of hearing the “we never had this years ago” about so many things. We had almost everything years ago, we just didn’t recognise it then

[Picklesandpies]

Labellesausage You sound lovely 😊 I’m sure your Christmas lunch will be delicious. X

[Ellybellyboo]

Thanks all!

MiL doesn't know that DD has eaten stuff she shouldn't. We don't have the kind of relationship where we'd talk about stuff like that.

She phoned twice yesterday - DH spoke to her. She was just whining that she won't get to see much of us this Christmas. DH quite calmly pointed out it's all of her own making. She then said she didn't understand DD's condition and that she'd just do plain mash. DH told her it was too late, we'd explained it to her a million times, and that he just didn't trust her now. DH is now the bad guy and she's posting PA statuses on Facebook

I've long given up trying to understand her. DH was the family scapegoat and MiL has always made it clear she 'didn't want boys' (DH has 2 sisters). I think it's all part of the negative way she treats DH, and by association, our girls and me.

We don't see very much of her (we live 200 miles away and she won't visit us) so we generally don't give her much thought, but every now and then she makes me want to bang my head repeatedly on a brick wall

It's all so odd to me. My family have each other's backs, but MiL seems to enjoy pitting DH and his sisters against each other

[LittleCandle]

My late MIL was like this over DD1's allergies. They were and are life threatening, but MIL willfully refused to cater to them. She was appalled that we ate chicken, insisting that it is dirty and dangerous and no child can grow properly without red meat - to which DD is hideously allergic. She was similarly against pork - unless she herself was eating it. She even once told me that yoghurt was not dairy and I believe she really meant it. It wasn't her who was up all night with a poorly child after eating one.

Stick to your guns and go to MIL's after lunch. Why take the risk? If she is that uncaring about her DGD, then fuck her.

[Hissy]

My love, your h has full permission to leave this sorry lot behind and just stop putting up with having his kids punished for being his dd.

She’s abusive. She’s actually hurting a child to hurt her son.

I’ve had this with my mother

We’re NC now. It’s better.

If I were you, I’d cancel the visit to them entirely. Let em stew.

[Tweez]

I think YANBU...it sounds like they have a fairly ‘easy’ life between them and don’t have many things that rock the boat, perhaps they have become quite set in their ways? This could make her think she can’t cope with anything outside her ‘norm’ perhaps?

[MiniCooperLover]

My MIL sadly passed away recently from complications due to undiagnosed celiac, it had destroyed her insides over the years and her system just shut down and she was gone barely 2 months after being diagnosed. This is not a silly allergy or a thing to be played with. Well done for you and your DH being your daughters advocate. I hope you can get your daughter through her issues without her causing herself any more long term damage.

[DoItAgainBob]

It's nice to see such a positive thread on this. I posted something similar a few years ago and got a total pasting on the relationships board!

FWIW my parents are the same as your MIL. It's wearing and hurtful to be excluded from pretty much every social gathering, yet there's the insistence I should go regardless and suck it up. My Dsis was also pitted against me which was extremely painful at the time. You've done the right thing by not eating there. I was the scapegoat in my family and this has really just been an extension of that. Don't engage with it, demonstrate good boundaries to your DD, especially if struggling.

I struggled with my MH for a bit after diagnosis. It's very limiting and you need the confidence to ask a lot of questions in a public place. Not easy as a teen. I think a lot of teens are becoming vegan/veggie at the mo so my 16 year old niece and I suddenly have lots in common as we're both 'difficult'! May be try that angle with her.

[DoItAgainBob]

Mini sorry about your MIL

Your highest risk of death is the first year after diagnosis, it's a serious illness which can be difficult to diagnose. Your DP should be checked.

For those saying they tested negative but have symptoms, the gold standard is biopsy. My blood tests have always been negative. I was lucky it was found by chance.

[MiniCooperLover]

Thank you DoItAgainBob, it has been an awful time and still very recent. When she was diagnosed DH had the blood test which came back negative but he definitely has gastric issues and is already on medication for reflux issues and struggles with dairy. His GP has said you’ve had the test and it’s negative, that’s it. So he’s going to pay for some private tests to check for intolerances and see what happens there.

[kateandme]

i think your really doing well to keep going.and will be such an inspiration and valuable to your dc of how you are caring and grown up and still go and see this family who clearly don't treat you in any loving manner which you deserve.and I'm sorry for that.it must be really hard for ur dh and now you guys.
remind him that hes wonderful.it must hit him hard.no matter whether you male female young or old to be made to feel anything along the realms of not good enough like she seems to do to him and now you still hurts.its great u got eahother backs.
she doesn't need to understand the science behind this for goodness sakes.it takes minutes to find out all you need to no to keep someone safe.and then more so if you care about someone enough to research it. even without this it isn't hard nowadays to research gf products as so much more is being done to help make more products available.

[DoItAgainBob]

Mini keep pushing for further testing. I had very similar symptoms which resolved completely after going gluten free. I was diagnosed privately as I was getting nowhere with the GP. Coeliac U.K. provide great support with getting a diagnosis.

I had a great aunt die years ago of what they thought was an eating disorder but strongly suspect it was coeliac related. Such a shame things haven't moved on much all these years later, especially as it's an easily treatable disease.

[justsmellingthecoffee]

My DD has cut out many foods in an attempt to resolve health issues, this in a family (DH's) who all suffer with stomach problems. We were not too supportive at first tbh as our family includes diabetics, veggies, vegans. It seemed like one more fad/problem when catering for all of them to cut out lactose, gluten, onions, chives etc for her. One day she got v upset with us and said her diet isn't who she is, she's just trying to keep healthy, and she's so tired of justifying what she eats to everyone - friends, family, restaurant employees. Frankly it's nobody else's business. It took that outburst to make us be more supportive. And there is so much food choice now everyone can eat the same meal with a bit of forethought. Your DD must feel that she is defined by her diet sometimes. Perhaps you could keep her unaware of the drama? And perhaps it will take an outburst to make your MiL rethink her attitude. DH sounds a treasure btw .

[mybreastsarentbest]

SillyYak I think you ask a really good question about how to cope mentally. I’m 13 years post diagnosis now and I find the social part is definitely the most difficult. It’s only very recently that I’ve managed to see that there’s nothing to be ashamed of and that it’s not my fault that I have extra needs. I don’t have a lot of suggestions but anything you can do to help your DD know that there is no shame in asking for people to keep her safe would be good.

I’m really appreciating this thread, I hope people will keep posting.

I feel really relieved to hear so many people say the OP is not being unreasonable. I’ve spent a lot of time doubting myself about if it was reasonable to ask my in-laws to do better or not and this thread is really helping me!

(Sorry to have had my earlier post deleted, I felt that I’d shared some info that wasn’t entirely mine to share.)

[lettuceWrap]

Mini, a negative test means not enough antibodies to meet the threshold for a positive diagnosis, on the day that the test was done. But further testing a year or two (or ten!) later may give a positive result.

My DH, a GP, retests a lot of people after negative results if their symptoms continue (often these are patients moving into his surgery who were tested elsewhere in the past), and that identifies a lot of previously undiagnosed coeliacs.

[SillyYak]

Thanks, mybreast, I'll keep that in mind. My mum brought me up not to make a fuss and to put other people first, so I spent the early part of DD's post diagnosis life cringing a bit when asking for special treatment for her. It's definitely a hard habit to break, but it needs to e broken if only for her own sense of self worth.

[mybreastsarentbest]

I also have had to break the habit of not making a fuss, SillyYak. I’m still working on it, really. It’s tough! Hopefully it will be easier for your DD as she’s growing up in a time of greater awareness and it will be all she’s known, maybe she won’t miss the option to not make a fuss. It’s good to learn that our own needs matter too, even if this is a challenging way to learn it.