...to speak to the nursery about how they speak to my DD

[eminthebigsmoke]

My DD2 is 3, and has always worn a variety of different clothing. Recently she has started to wear dresses more often, and I have noticed that when she arrives at nursery in a dress, the staff make a fuss of how pretty she looks.

I can't help thinking that this is serving to make a link between how she dresses and how much/what kind of attention she gets. I really don't want this to be a message she gets at all, let alone at the age of three.

DD1 is in school, and I have never seen a teacher comment on a child's appearance (I think the fact they're in uniform helps).

AIBU to consider speaking to the nursery about it? I don't want them to stop doing things to build her confidence, but I would rather it was based on her trying new things or putting in effort rather than how pretty they think she looks.

So as not to drip feed, one of the staff commented to me two weeks ago that DD2 behaves differently when she puts on a dress in dressing up - which I'm sure is mostly about the fact she's role playing - but it got me thinking about whether it's the dress, or people's reaction to her in a dress that is making the difference.

I think you're massively over analysing.

Are you for real?

Please don’t be that parent. Nursery staff are busy people and have enough to worry about without you creating non-issues about what your DD wears. They’re trying to be nice to your DD, not purposely trying to transmit gender stereotypes.

I await the gender neutral brigade to arrive.

Then I think, OMG what if >gasp< she wants to be a he, will he/she be invading womens space or doesnt that matter becuaseshe hasnt got a penis. Oh it's all such trauma

Seriously?

You are over thinking.

I work in early years and comment on theBay children's clothes a lot. "Morning (child)...I do like your dress, sweater, trainers, hat etc etc"

I don't actually care about what they are wearing (unless you have dressed them in their Sunday best and I've just put the paint out) It's about making a connection, making the child feel welcome, sparking conversation and social interaction. Warm, positive relationships and all that...

Not sure where that Bay came from...sorry.

I can see the OP's point.

There are loads of comments that can be made apart from how pretty she looks.

Oh I like your jumper - very funky
Oh I like your dress - doesn't it twirl nicely
Oh I like the dinosaur - it's a stegosaurus isn't it
Oh I like that blue T-shirt - it matches your eyes

No I wouldn’t raise it. I don’t see the issue if she’s wearing something pretty for the staff to comment on it. Lots of kids will act differently when dressing up too - it’s part of the whole idea of role play. I think you’re reading too much into it all sorry

YANBU. Complimenting a child's looks will send a very bad message. There is nothing wrong with being pretty but there is nothing good or important about it. Maybe you should ask them to focus on how 'smart' or 'well presented' she looks instead.

For the love of God!

Nursery workers won’t be allowed to speak to children before long

Why send a child to nursery in a pretty dress anyway? T shirt and leggings is much less restrictive and allows freedom of movement as they play.

I bet you’ll be moaning soon how your dd came home from nursery with her beautiful dress covered in paint - it will be nursery’s fault no doubt...

OP I do agree with you. I think there is a lot of reinforcement given to girls about their appearance. The message of “if I dress like x I receive positive comments” is hard to avoid. My DS is never told he look pretty / handsome in his jumper / T-shirt etc
However.....
I’m not sure about talking to professional staff about this would be well received. You do risk becoming “that” parent
So in all, I see where you are coming from but have no useful advice, sorry.

I wouldn't be asking if I wasn't both serious and 'for real'.

Thanks for the replies, particularly from the early-years workers.

Cringe

I’d thats all you’ve got to worry about with your child, then you lead a charmed life.

No need for anyone to be sorry - I was def ready to be told I was over thinking

Pennypickle - part of my point is that she has recently started choosing dresses more often and I was wondering if this is the reason. I don't mind if she gets paint on any of it.

send her in stuff that is good for playing, and instead thank the nursery staff for all the great stuff they do do and the care they give your dd (in exchange for pretty poor pay) and let this go!

Really OP? Are you being serious. Please dont be one of those parents. My nanny is an ex-nursery teacher and she said parents like this were the worst - soon enough they just stopped saying anything about their children because they felt they were being judged for everything they said - even when no malice was intended.

I think there's a big difference between "what a nice jumper!" and making a long fuss about appearance and being pretty and/or girly.

The latter would bother me a bit. However, I'm not sure I would speak to the nursery about it- it's a tricky one. FWIW given that you are alert to this issue, I bet you are doing enough at home to counteract any negative effects.

Will do! Thanks.

Right, it's going faster than I can keep up with - but thank you all, some great advice and points I hadn't thought about.

Have a lovely day all

Do they tell her she looks nice of she is in a nice pair of jeans or a top?

Mishappening, no they don't - but I guess as people have pointed out the staff are just welcoming her in and I wouldn't imagine any further comment is made on her appearance for the rest of the day.

Honestly, I couldn't get that bothered about my child being called pretty when she wears a dress - there are a hundred different messages coming at our children that I'm much more worried about than "you look pretty in a dress".

Oh god, please find some real problems to have