...to speak to the nursery about how they speak to my DD

[eminthebigsmoke]

My DD2 is 3, and has always worn a variety of different clothing. Recently she has started to wear dresses more often, and I have noticed that when she arrives at nursery in a dress, the staff make a fuss of how pretty she looks.

I can't help thinking that this is serving to make a link between how she dresses and how much/what kind of attention she gets. I really don't want this to be a message she gets at all, let alone at the age of three.

DD1 is in school, and I have never seen a teacher comment on a child's appearance (I think the fact they're in uniform helps).

AIBU to consider speaking to the nursery about it? I don't want them to stop doing things to build her confidence, but I would rather it was based on her trying new things or putting in effort rather than how pretty they think she looks.

So as not to drip feed, one of the staff commented to me two weeks ago that DD2 behaves differently when she puts on a dress in dressing up - which I'm sure is mostly about the fact she's role playing - but it got me thinking about whether it's the dress, or people's reaction to her in a dress that is making the difference.

Jelly - I'm not worried about the message 'you look pretty in a dress', I am worried about the message 'you get different attention according to how you dress'. But as others have said, I probably needn't be.

Out of interest, what are these other worrying messages - I need to reprioritise.....

Glum - I have others, but this is the one I wanted help with. If you don't think that's okay you really don't have to comment.

Oh I hate this. People automatically fixate on how pretty a girl is, spend their entire childhood using that as a compliment to them, then wonder why when they get to teenage they start to succumb to the whole fashionista, and why women's appearance so dominates the media reporting of anyone in the public eye.

But suggest that it might be a good idea for childcare settings such as nurseries start leading by example to at least give the next generation a bit of a headstart with breaking down stereotypes and oh my word, you are such a precious mama with eye-rolling smileys just to reinforce the point.

As you will have seen by now, despite the fact that you make a really good point and that change would be welcomed, don't expect anyone to thank you for it, expect to be labled as some sort of nut-job.

You will find as she gets older, and into school it actually doesn't get any better as even with uniform it becomes about hair or jacket or shoes, the only thing you can do is to do your own re-inforcing with her, and as a favour to me you can make sure you do the same when talking to my girl too.

Sorry I don't get it. She is wearing a nice dress. People comment how lovely she looks. If you don't like it, put her in normal clothes. Problem solved?
Surely if she is dressed in a nice clothes, she would feel great about it, and expect compliment?

Originalfoogirl - you have articulated it so much better than I did, thanks! And you can count on me not to dish it out.

This post just made me literally laugh.
If you are that bothered put her in some leggings and a jumper

Could it be they’re using pretty because she’s wearing a dress? DDs Nursery teacher will tell her she’s looking fierce (usually when she’s dressed as a superhero), or fab or swish or whatever and I wonder if it’s just a fuss of a pretty dress iyswim?

Tbh, you think everybody makes a big fuss about your child, including teachers. They don't. They may say she looks lovely, etc., but it is just a compliment.

I was a child who wore nice dress when everybody was wearing appropriate clothes for the environment. I was very embarrassed, though didn't say anything to my parents. And I still remember those days, when I was teased for my OTT clothes.

I used to comment - positively - on peoples' appearances all the time. It made them smile, made them happy. (Men, women, children)

(Nice haircut. I really like your new glasses - they suit you. Smart jacket. You look nice today!)

I also compliment people on the work they do, the help they give me, their singing voices, their skills, their homes, their dogs, their children.

It is nice to connect with people, It is often a conversation starter, If someone does not like it they don't respond and I never do it again. But it is a cooler relationship.

I do it far less now as I never know if I will be thought sexist/racist/ageist/"inappropriate" or simply rude.

If your daughter is happy and she is regularly praised for her kindness, cleverness, bravery, confidence, behaviour and learning - then great. Maybe just keep her in leggings and tee shirts if you want to break the link.

Awful staff. How dare they have the audacity to make a fuss of a child in their care. .
And you wonder why so many teachers/nursery workers are leaving the profession.
Your secret nn will Cranky McCrankville. I shit you not

You should have been in my Class when I was 5 years old. You'd have known what talking awfully to a child was.

Hearing things like this and some other threads on primary teaching makes me think I could never work with children because of parents.
Staff are Dammed if they do dammed if they don’t.
Your thinking is.... i dress my child up in a pretty dress to go to nursery and do various activities, and take offence when it is commented upon because I worry it re-enforces message you get different attention according to how you dress... this is bat shit.... that’s the way of the world op if I am wearing tracksuit bottoms no one will comment, dress up and someone will acknowledge the effort.

Dear God all you "bigger problems" bitches 🙄 THERE ARE ALWAYS BIGGER PROBLEMS. Nob off if this one doesn't interest you.

OP I think you're right and why the hell not mention it - so what if you are "that parent"? She's your child, you're supposed to pay more attention and give more thought to this sort of stuff than a busy nursery worker might. And if they think like some of the dismissive, condescending cows on here, so what? You don't need them to like you. You need them to care for your child as you wish her to be cared for. If they're not willing to make tiny minor adjustments according to your parenting style, what on earth would they be like if she needed any major accommodations made later on? Go ahead and mention it if it bothers you.

"Recently she has started to wear dresses more often"

You are the one who is buying her dress or dressing her in it. If you don't like their comment, why can't you choose something else, is my big question.

lelapaletute, wow, lovely.

"...bitches .....condescending cows...."

Glad I don't agree with you!

@lelapaletute you do know that there are ways of getting your point across without using disgustingly misogynistic language don’t you? Bitches and cows? I think you mean women, not bloody animals!

I'm more worried about kids getting messages that if they haven't attained X academic standard by age 6 they'll struggle for the rest of their lives. Or that right from the start of their school career they should give time to home work because if they don't they'll never achieve anything in school. Or that the smallest deviation from school rules deserves them to be put in isolation - or indeed that any behaviour should result in isolation. I could go on, some of the messages our kids get in school are horrible, aimed at creating compliant workbots, that worries me more because some kids really do take in these messages and forever believe they are stupid, or "bad" children which certainly does impact self esteem.

If you don't want someone telling your tiny child she looks lovely in a dress, don't put her in a dress.

Well eminthebigsmoke, what do you think when you choose a dress for her wear?

What the staff is probably thinking is 'I can't believe she is sending her DD to nursery in a dress Again. Can't she figure out that it's not a very good attire to run in/climb/go on a tricycle/play in the mud?'

Just put your DD in comfortable clothes for nursery. End of problem.

Lela.
I pay for my internet access so 'No I'll not be 'nobbing off'.

What i'd do is next time you have a parents evening, say you're a bit worried about how focussed on appearance and dress your DD is getting. You're trying to make a point of not commenting on her appearance, could they help you out with that by doing the same at nursery?

I think this sort of thing is really important. And I don't think "don't wear a dress" is the answer, nothing wrong with wearing a dress occasionally but it would be inappropriate and yuck if my boss told me I looked pretty every time I did. How much more important is it for small children who are still forming their self-image for that to be about who they are and what they do, not what they look like? Even "what a nice dress" would be more appropriate than "you look pretty in that dress" - so she doesn't look pretty wearing more practical clothes then? Dreadful message.

OP I fully agree with you and wouod have a word with the nursery.

It is NOT about talking to children or being able to make any comments. It’s the fact that your dd gets comment when she is in a dress but NOT if she is wearing trousers or leggings (which ca;be just as pretty).
It’s the fact that they are concentrating in her appearance in a way they wouod neve do with boys.
And it’s the fact you have seen already how this is affecting her behaviour and what she is (or very soon will) seems important.

These forts years are important, very important in developing how the child sees the word and how they see themselves. This is not the time to teach a little girl that her looks is what will get her some attention from people.

For those who are saying ‘now we won’t be able to say anything to children’ just say to girl whatever you say to boys.
Oh look the fantastic drawing/Tower/throwing is much more idly than oh look how cute/beautiful you look today with this shirt/jumper/shorts....

If you're sending her to nursery in a ball gown of course people will comment.

It would be hilariously ironic if the op did have a word with nursery staff and there response was along the lines of....
We are glad you have raised the issue of dress as we feel you send your dd in inappropriate attire for nursery activities. So whilst the dresses are very pretty, practical clothes and common sense please.

Op another comment from me is thatnof you are sensitive that, you will have years in front of you of struggling with some teachers comments.
Teaching is very segregated between boys an girls. Boys can do maths, girls can do English. Boys are always boisterous and girls are all calm. Boys all being punished for messing around at play time and none of the girls. Even though some boys weren’t messing around but some girl said were.
There are films (activities etc ) for boys and those for girls.
Putting children into boxes according their sex/gender is well and truly alive. And teachers are, ime, the first to carry on teaching those preconceived ideas.