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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

...to speak to the nursery about how they speak to my DD

88 replies

eminthebigsmoke · 16/11/2017 14:07

My DD2 is 3, and has always worn a variety of different clothing. Recently she has started to wear dresses more often, and I have noticed that when she arrives at nursery in a dress, the staff make a fuss of how pretty she looks.

I can't help thinking that this is serving to make a link between how she dresses and how much/what kind of attention she gets. I really don't want this to be a message she gets at all, let alone at the age of three.

DD1 is in school, and I have never seen a teacher comment on a child's appearance (I think the fact they're in uniform helps).

AIBU to consider speaking to the nursery about it? I don't want them to stop doing things to build her confidence, but I would rather it was based on her trying new things or putting in effort rather than how pretty they think she looks.

So as not to drip feed, one of the staff commented to me two weeks ago that DD2 behaves differently when she puts on a dress in dressing up - which I'm sure is mostly about the fact she's role playing - but it got me thinking about whether it's the dress, or people's reaction to her in a dress that is making the difference.

OP posts:

MiraiDevant · 16/11/2017 15:41

Why do you put her in a dress. It is not the most practical solution for climbing or getting dirty? Do you choose it because you think she looks nice in it? So it matters to you?

Do you ever tell her she looks pretty?

I do get your point but I also think you are wrong.

If you want your child cared for to your exact specifications as lela suggested then the only option is a live in nanny or doing it yourself

Ttbb · 16/11/2017 15:42

In what way are dresses impractical? They're just like long tops.

RagingFemininist · 16/11/2017 15:42

Tipsy wouod it be really ‘intelligent’ (can’t find a better word there?) or logical for the nursery to make a huge fuss with the OP’s dd about her dress, which will prob means she will wear it even more often, if actually they think it’s a very bad idea.
It is not more logical to NOT make any comment if the dress is inappropriate an then have a word with mum, explaining how the dress stops her from doing x and y?
People aren’t mind readers. If you fuss around my dress, I expect you to like it, nit to think it’s inapproriate.

RagingFemininist · 16/11/2017 15:44

If you want your child cared for to your exact specifications as lela suggested then the only option is a live in nanny or doing it yourself

Does it mean you should never challenges stereotypes when you see them??
If not, how do you think will ever change?

user789653241 · 16/11/2017 15:47

But Cat, do you think think it's weird if everyone won't wear a dress normally and your boss said it's nice?
Is nursery a place to wear dress very often? I wonder their comment is more of a bit sarcastic one, when she is dressed inappropriately for nursery very often. Most children turn up in t-shirts and jeans, they do stand out, imo.

missyB1 · 16/11/2017 15:48

As a nursery worker can I just make a plea for no dresses? They are so impractical, especially as they need tights with them at this time of year. Jogging bottoms and sweatshirts are the best - for boys and girls.

HappyLollipop · 16/11/2017 15:54

This is ridiculous they are just complementing her dress, you must have also thought the same since you bought it and put her in it? but on another note as a former nursery worker can parents please not put their little girls in dresses as lovely as it looks it's just not practical especially with tights it's just more hassle then it's worth just stick with jumpers, leggings and tracksuits! Just don't send her to nursery in pretty dresses then there will be no problem.

BoffinMum · 16/11/2017 15:55

Send her in denim dungarees and trainers.

That's what I did with DD, who was a p/t child model. When not 'looking pretty' in a professional capacity, I dressed her so she could get down on the carpet easily, play in the mud etc.

GetMeOutOfHerePlease · 16/11/2017 15:57

Im a Nursery Nurse OP and totally get where you are coming from. We boost the children’s confidence without linking it to their appearance and looks. It’s not difficult. You wouldn’t be ‘that parent’ if you raised your concerns with me or any of my colleagues.

Some comments to you are OTT.
It’s not unreasonable to be concerned about your Daughter linking how she looks to how she is treat. Especially if she gets praise and compliments when she’s wearing a dress, and not so much when she isn’t.

A few people have said dresses are not practical, lots if girls wear dresses at my nursery and it doesn’t stop them doing anything that they would be doing had they been dressed in leggings. They are only impractical if you think a girl in a dress shouldn’t be allowed to get dirty, or messy. Which reinforces the idea that girls should look pretty, which is part of the messages society often gives to girls, and of which OP is concerned about?

Tipsytopsyturvy · 16/11/2017 15:59

Irvine and raging that was my thoughts that the nursery workers may be making a point emphasising pretty either sarcastically or nicely to drop the hint. As in it looks like she’s going to a party. Not a small child who needs to be able to explore and learn freely without hindrance at a nursery.

GetMeOutOfHerePlease · 16/11/2017 16:01

We ask that parents send their children in clothes suitable for the weather and clothes that Parents don’t mind getting dirty and stained.

drspouse · 16/11/2017 16:05

I posted about this exact issue recently and I did raise it with nursery management and got some good feedback.

Shedmicehugh · 16/11/2017 16:13

I agree OP. It would be better if she heard something more meaningful. Looks are not the most important thing.

NotNowBernard1 · 16/11/2017 16:17

OP - Originalfoogirl articulated it better than I could as well I work in EY and we make a point on commenting on effort and achievement rather than children's appearance.

RhiannonOHara · 16/11/2017 16:18

I'm completely with Originalfoogirl. And I think some posters are being vile and sneery about it.

Shedmicehugh · 16/11/2017 16:19

www.google.co.uk/amp/amp.parents.com/toddlers-preschoolers/development/social/things-you-wish-people-would-say-to-your-daughter-instead/

Things to say, instead of you look pretty! Maybe show it to nursery!

Puppymouse · 16/11/2017 16:32

Seriously? My DD wears a ton of jewellery to nursery some days. She looks like a floral Mr T to me but they always make a fuss and said she looked like a princess and pretend curtsied to her. It’s just harmless fun. I don’t expect her to actually think she’s royalty because of it.

ElspethTascioni · 16/11/2017 16:35

I couldn't agree more! My DH had this same discussion with our nursery staff with regards to the way our DD gets treated - I think they thought he was mad, but they did listen!

nooka · 16/11/2017 16:40

The OP said it's her dd that is choosing to wear the dresses so I'm not sure why so many are commenting that it's what the OP is putting her in. Lots of three year olds have strong opinions about what they want to wear. My dd had strong preferences towards pretty skirts and dresses until she was in high school. One thing I noticed when out with her and her brother as younger children is that she always had her appearance commented on and he very very rarely did. I'm not sure if it correlated to what she was wearing, but given that people seem to be inclined to praise little girls for their looks I'd imagine that it happens more when girls look more obviously like girls. It's not a great message, and would be a very easy tweak from 'how pretty you look today' to 'what a pretty dress'.

Sittinonthefloor · 16/11/2017 16:48

Yanbu , it's a really weird thing to say to a child you are looking after in a professional role - I've taught reception and that sort of a comment is just not something I can imagine an experienced decent teacher saying. So many other compliments.

Sittinonthefloor · 16/11/2017 16:50

There was a woman poet on r4 just this morning talking about girls in fairy stories; how prettiness and kindness are their celebrated qualities, rather than braveness, cleverness, fierceness etc.

catkind · 16/11/2017 17:06

But Cat, do you think think it's weird if everyone won't wear a dress normally and your boss said it's nice?

"You look pretty/lovely/beautiful/handsome in that suit" would be creepy and weird. People might say "you're smart today" or "got a meeting today?" Things that they would equally say to a man or a woman.

Would they say to a little boy "don't you look handsome in that jumper"? Doubt it. At most "nice jumper", and without the big fuss that's causing OP's DD to prefer one type of clothes over another. When you've had a small boy and a small girl, you really notice the difference in how some people speak to them.

lelapaletute · 16/11/2017 17:15

I'd actually like to apologise for my language, it was very immoderate. Point stands,but I used the wrong words. Bad day, so sorry.

Originalfoogirl · 16/11/2017 23:18

if everyone won't wear a dress normally and your boss said it's nice?

That’s happened to me, and it really grates. Basically they are saying “I think you usually look like crap but today you are wearing a pretty dress and that deserves a compliment”

I rarely wear make up but did once at work when I had hideous sunburn, my boss told me I looked really nice that day. I didn’t work there long.

user789653241 · 17/11/2017 06:45

I don't wear full make up these days, and once when I did, my ds has commented that I totally looked different. Saying you look nice to someone can mean you look different from usual look, but said in more polite way, just a reaction, without any negative feelings or stereo typing, etc?

Cat, when my ds dressed up as a prince in nursery, everyone commented how lovely he looks. Isn't that equivalent of girls dressing up in dress? They look pretty and lovely.
When he dressed up in waste coat in school play, same thing happened. It's a bit different wearing a nice jumper, because jumper looks normal things to wear, isn't it?

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