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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Am I being unreasonable to think it unacceptable that someone else’s child lied to me?

113 replies

Provincialady · 15/11/2017 18:49

Probably sounds ridiculous. This child came for dinner and then had a chocolate for pudding and asked for another, I said yes, but then she pretended she hadn’t had the first (i.e. so she wanted two). My daughter surprised, said ‘But I saw you eating it’. Friend said ‘No, I didn’t.’ Anyway, I let her have another and then just to check even though I too was certain I had seen her eating one, counted the spaces! (petty, who me?!). I said a bit later, ‘I counted the chocolates, an extra one has gone’. I pretended to blame my own daughter and my toddler (even though I’d seen the friend eat the wretched chocolate). But still she didn’t admit. It was all quite jovial and we were all smiling. My DH told me (not in front of them) to stop it and that I was being unreasonable and that she’s only 6 (nearly 7) and that it is perfectly normal. Is it? To persistently lie even though two people have seen you eating it? They then asked if they could have biscuits and I said (again trying to sound jokey) ‘Not unless I find out who had the chocolate!’ Then both friend and dd came up to me and said ‘We both did’ (they didn’t as there was only one missing). Anyway, I let them both have a biscuit. But DH is pretty angry with me and says that I was unkind and unreasonable and making the friend feel uncomfortable. Was I? Really?

OP posts:
Provincialady · 15/11/2017 19:40

Peng - it was what they requested

OP posts:
KERALA1 · 15/11/2017 19:40

Even the nicest dc lie instinctively when put on the spot. They just do. Yours too. Making a thing about it was unkind. Holding a 7 year old to adult standards. Poor kid.

Ohyesiam · 15/11/2017 19:42

You were lying too, pretending to blame someone else.
I'm not trying to goad you op, but adults use half truth/ lies for convenience, to be expedient etc.
Kids see this, and don't get why the rules are different for them.
Her fibbing served a purpose, which might have been covering her embarrassment, or not knowing if she could trust you to admit an error to, ( you might be really punitive), or because in her house it's not safe to tell the truth. or one of many many other options
Your fib was to see if she could own up, I think.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 15/11/2017 19:44

Look,as I said you had the power,the child defensively lied out of fear/shame/guilt
More importantly,lessons learned,reflect and maybe don’t be so harsh again

Pengggwn · 15/11/2017 19:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

saoirse31 · 15/11/2017 19:49

You were seriously that upset over one chocolate.... That your dh had to get you to stop, so as not to upset a six yr old friend of your daughter?

You sound unpleasant rather than unhinged tbh.

MammaTJ · 15/11/2017 19:58

OP, I am with you, although I think you were calmer than I would have been about it. I admit I am psycho about lying! My own DD lied to me the other day and I may have slightly over-reacted. Same as I do when accused of lying. I am a person who does not lie, who does not need to lie, who hate liars! To be lie to, to be accused of lying re pretty much on my list of things I cannot handle!

Even from a 6 year old! They know right from wrong! She was a guest in your house and bare faced lied to you. I would have been calling her mum!

MammaTJ · 15/11/2017 20:00

You were seriously that upset over one chocolate....

No, she was upset about being lied to over one chocolate. BIG difference!

BatteredBreadedOrSouthernFried · 15/11/2017 20:05

You sound scary mammatj.

OlennasWimple · 15/11/2017 20:12

Imagine getting that call

Friend's mum: "Hello, I'm afraid there's been a problem over here, can you come and collect DD please?"
Me: "Oh no, what's happened? Is everything OK?"
Friend's mum: "No, I'm afraid it's not. Your DD stole something from me, then persistently lied about it"
Me: "I'm so sorry! What was it? Has she given it back now?"
Friend's mum: "No, it's gone. Forever."
Me: "Oh no! Of course I'll replace it - what was it?"
Friend's mum: "A single chocolate!"
Me: "Oh. I'll be right over...."

HelloSquirrels · 15/11/2017 20:15

Its obviously not about the chocolate us about the lying. If my own child lied to me or other adults at that age i would be disappointed.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 15/11/2017 20:16

MamaTJ I think you’re displaying a really fundamental lack of knowlege of children

And the strident i don’t take no shit about lying it’s all a bit much.Calm down

You’re too concrete in your thinking. 6yo isn’t as clear cut as know right from wrong.theyre still developing,learning,testing. So an adult losing the plot in an exaggerated notion of acceptable behaviour is scary and won’t shape behaviour.you'll just scare kids

Exokey · 15/11/2017 20:17

I would have been calling her mum!

That would be a crazy overreaction

Eolian · 15/11/2017 20:17

It was an instinctive momentary lie. Little kids do it a lot, sometimes not even for any good reason. Yabu to be remotely surprised and also probably yabu if you think your children would never do this if put on the spot by an adult they didn't know very well.

KERALA1 · 15/11/2017 20:17

Also this thread has made me eat a chocolate and I was being so good this week!

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 15/11/2017 20:19

As the mother receiving the call I’d have collected,and made mental note to never send dd to your house

Eolian · 15/11/2017 20:21

I admit I am psycho about lying!

Why? It is a perfectly normal human behaviour and is in some circumstances necessary or polite. Understandably, a child of 6 probably doesn't yet have such a good understanding of social cues and interactions. Being 'psycho' about a little child telling a lie makes you... well... psycho.

SamineShaw · 15/11/2017 20:22

I’m with you OP, I have expectations of my kids behaviour at other people’s houses and I expect friends to follow the same rules when they come here. Stealing is a no no, regardless of the size/value.

Tanaqui · 15/11/2017 20:22

And how come a chocolate eclair isn't pudding?! It's totally pudding- unless you mean those toffee sweets? But it can't be a snack- even if it was just sweats, pudding implies there was food before it?

Provincialady · 15/11/2017 20:24

Yes, pizza, chips and baked beans - again at their request. And yes, one with cream in it.

OP posts:
LipstickHandbagCoffee · 15/11/2017 20:27

The amount of food sounds ok,this wasn’t hunger.its a temptation thing

RagingFemininist · 15/11/2017 20:55

I’m soorry but ly8ng is not ‘normal and acceptable behaviour’.
If this was about let’s say taking money out of the Op’s purse, no one would be saying it’s ok. That’s it’s normal for children tomdo that when out in the spot, poor dcs yu are holding them to adult standards.

So whilst i wouldnt have gone out it the way the OP has (and not for as long), I’m not sure why it is an issue to point out to the child it was lie and you know it.
It only is if you consider that some reasons for lying are not worthy of a punishment (like stealing) whereas others aren’t (because a chocolate isn’t worth it).
I tend to look at the behaviour itself rather than giv8ng it some ‘value’. So ly8ng is lying whatever you are lying about and is not ok.

PotterGrangerWeasley · 15/11/2017 21:01

Well to be honest I don't think you were unreasonable if you told her she could have another one and she then lied for no reason. I would expect guests to follow the rules of my home, especially in front of my own kids.

GnomeDePlume · 15/11/2017 21:01

I think you should be proud of your DD's I'm Spartacus moment!

BarbarianMum · 15/11/2017 21:03

Don't be silly, lying is a totally normal and perfectly acceptable part of adult life. Unless you get off on upsetting and insulting people.

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