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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to consider donating sperm

46 replies

DontKnowWhatIDontKnow · 14/11/2017 14:21

So this possibly could go elsewhere but i couldn't find the ideal place.

I am in the situation where I am considering donating sperm to a gay couple and have been looking online (mumsnet included) for information and things to consider. All the information is geared towards the receiving couple rather than the donor. Hence my post here.

The reason I'm looking for guidance is that the couple in particular don't want me to be anonymous, but be an "Uncle" type role.

My DW says she is fine with the idea and we already have a LO and are hoping for a second in the future.

Provided it is managed correctly, neither my DW nor I can think of reasons why I shouldn't donate.

Yes I would be the biological father, but I wouldn't be the Dad and I know I would have no say over how he is raised.

AIBU and oversimplifying this?

OP posts:
Sparklingbrook · 14/11/2017 14:23

I am not sure MN is really the right place TBH.

You and your DW might be ok with it but how might your own DC feel in the future about it all?

kaytee87 · 14/11/2017 14:25

I think you’re oversimplifying especially as you already have a child and plan to have more.
The child would likely find out that you’re their father and might want to come to live with you during the inevitable teenage angst.
What if the couple made decisions for the child that majorly went against your moral code, could you stay out of it?
Your own children could be upset and confused by the idea when they inevitably find out.

I’m not saying don’t do it but think carefully about any number of issues that could come up and how you would all deal with them.

As an aside, your dw must be very selfless. I’d hate the idea of my dh fathering a child with someone else.

Sparklingbrook · 14/11/2017 14:29

I could imagine the DC applying to one of those 'Long Lost Family' type shows in the future.

There's no way on earth I would agree to DH doing it.

OldPony · 14/11/2017 14:31

No. I have never heard of this scenario working out as feelings change and emotions run high.

You don't know how you're going to feel about this child!

The only couples i know who've made a success of this (and i know a few), are the ones who bought anonymous sperm.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 14/11/2017 14:34

Look into the legal implications; and consider how you’d feel if they did something you didn’t like. Would you want to step in because that’s your child?

It’s lovely that you and your DW want to do this; but you need to consider it from all angles. That includes any potential legal issues, and how your current and future children might be effected.

MissionItsPossible · 14/11/2017 14:39

I wouldn't. I'd consider it if it was anonymous but not for a friend or relative

CruCru · 14/11/2017 14:39

Under the arrangement you describe, the couple will be entitled to claim child maintenance from you.

Original poster
DontKnowWhatIDontKnow · 14/11/2017 14:40

Thank you all for your replies.

Sparkling, you could be right and mumsnet may not be the "right" place, but it's the closest thing I've found.

There's lots of support for recipients of donor sperm/eggs, but little for the donors. It's very frustrating and I'm not surprised there is (reported to be) a shortage of donors as there's definitely a shortage of help.

I'm grateful for everyones input as I know I need to consider all the ins and outs and impact on me, DW, DC, receiving couple and potential DC (both mine and theirs).

I think we'd (probably) go through a clinic.

As for legal. That seems great too. The couple would want to legally adopt the DC, so I believe that absolves me from child support. Again, I've found little support for donors out there to clarify.

OP posts:
SylvanusWindrunner · 14/11/2017 14:41

If you donate or receive donated sperm or eggs through a clinic counselling is mandatory. Would you consider having a one off session with a counsellor to talk through the issues? Any fertility clinic would be able to recommend someone.

Original poster
DontKnowWhatIDontKnow · 14/11/2017 14:41

great grey

OP posts:
CherryChasingDotMuncher · 14/11/2017 14:43

Are the couple friends of yours? How come they can’t use theirs?

Rules have changed and the child could track you down in future (this never used to be the case) so there would be potential repercussions wether or not you’re involved. Apologies for a badly phrased question, but: what’s in it for you? Don’t mean to sound abrupt but can’t think of another way to put that

MissionItsPossible · 14/11/2017 14:46

CruCru Is that the case? I only ask because I remember reading an article saying because a gay guy donated sperm to a lesbian couple he was ordered to backpay child support but only because it was so long ago and that was the law at the time (I presumed that meant the law had changed so things like that couldn't happen).

MrsTerryPratchett · 14/11/2017 14:47

The couple would want to legally adopt the DC, so I believe that absolves me from child support.

If the child is born with serious life-changing disabilities and they change their mind? It could happen.

MissionItsPossible · 14/11/2017 14:47

Jay has linked to the article I was referring to

Changes to the law mean that if Langridge made the donation today in similar circumstances he wouldn't be financially liable for the children, and he has called for the law governing this area to be applied retrospectively. It is thought that there are several other men caught up in the same position

Ttbb · 14/11/2017 14:51

You really need to go to a counsellor before you do this. All of you.

fretfulsmarties · 14/11/2017 14:54

They wouldn't need to legally adopt. They can both go on the birth certificate and you won't be recognised legally as a parent. As long as they're married or civilly partnered. I've done it, but with the understanding that the donor isn't involved with the child at all. We were all happy with that arrangement.

It's not legally binding, but we wrote down what we all expected in terms of financial, medical, custody, visitation etc and signed it - including the donor's wife. I read that this was a good idea because if it ever went to court for any reason the judge would at least have and idea of what everyone was intending at the time and it might help make a fairer judgement.

Have you been in touch with the donor conception network? I thought they had advice for donors as well as recipients.

fretfulsmarties · 14/11/2017 14:55

Agreed re counselling - some fertility clinics offer donor counselling and all make it mandatory if you use donor services through them.

strangeEvents · 14/11/2017 15:00

I'm the husband of this user. Been reading over her shoulder and she let me post this.

I wouldn't be able to, either in an uncle role or simply donating. As a 'proper' father, the idea of not being around my children all the time is terrible. This isn't because of bonding with them as they've grown but something I felt from the second I knew my wife was pregnant.

Legalities aside, I simply couldn't distance myself from the child they way that you would need to.

What is the couple's reasoning for not using anonymous sperm?

Intercom · 14/11/2017 15:00

I think it's a lovely generous thing to think of doing.

There's an NHS page on the subject here

If you do this via a clinic then you'll have the assurance of the relevant medical and legal protection behind you.

FrenchJunebug · 14/11/2017 15:12

I think you would be doing a marvellous thing. I had my child due to the generosity of an unknown sperm donor. My child will have access to his information when he is 18 if he wants to but I do not. Without him I would not have my son. Thus said as you are giving to friends you need to treat the donation like a commercial proposition and draw up a legally binding contract on what you are expected to do once the child is here, your responsibilities, the parents' responsibilities, etc.

Original poster
DontKnowWhatIDontKnow · 14/11/2017 15:32

I'm going to try and answer all points.

So the couple are married and would like to know the donor (and the child to be able to put a face to the donor) because of stories they have heard from anonymous donor children (now adults) about not "knowing who they are" due to not knowing their heritage. I can see their point of view. I have a friend who's going through the adoption process and he tells me that the story of the children is really important. Also, sooner or later, with 2 mums, the child will work out something is missing....

The couple are friends, but live far enough away that I could never be more than an uncle role.

Jay - I've read the article, and Mission has extracted a key statement in it. I think the rules have changed.

Cherry, they're both women, so somewhat lacking in sperm.... There's nothing in it for me. I have a DC and I'm happy with my family. I'm just aware that there's another family in need and who can't have children and I can help.

Ttbb, I think you're right with counciling, but I'm trying to work out now what I need to consider.

MrsTerry, The disability question is a really good one.

Fretful, thank you for sharing your experience.

Strange, thanks for hijacking the account :-) It's good to know your thoughts. I wouldn't be their parent though. Just part of their biological make up.

OP posts:
Original poster
DontKnowWhatIDontKnow · 14/11/2017 15:46

Kaytee I've just realised I've missed you. You've raised some really good questions, all of which need to be thought about.

As for my DW, I think she's pretty special Grin

OP posts:
CherryChasingDotMuncher · 14/11/2017 16:13

they're both women, so somewhat lacking in sperm

Doh! My apologies I thought when you said gay you meant men!

Original poster
DontKnowWhatIDontKnow · 14/11/2017 16:24

I'm a little scared of mumsnet, so I Googled the best PC phrase to use!

OP posts: