AIBU to consider donating sperm

[DontKnowWhatIDontKnow]

So this possibly could go elsewhere but i couldn't find the ideal place.

I am in the situation where I am considering donating sperm to a gay couple and have been looking online (mumsnet included) for information and things to consider. All the information is geared towards the receiving couple rather than the donor. Hence my post here.

The reason I'm looking for guidance is that the couple in particular don't want me to be anonymous, but be an "Uncle" type role.

My DW says she is fine with the idea and we already have a LO and are hoping for a second in the future.

Provided it is managed correctly, neither my DW nor I can think of reasons why I shouldn't donate.

Yes I would be the biological father, but I wouldn't be the Dad and I know I would have no say over how he is raised.

AIBU and oversimplifying this?

You should be scared. Bwahahahaha. Not really.

When did 'lesbian' go out of vogue? Possibly at the same time as 'vogue' went out of vogue.

Hahaha it is hard to know what to say sometimes without getting your head bitten off around here

Doh! My apologies I thought when you said gay you meant men!
I did too! Was very confused.
I think it is a lovely idea, but counselling for all of you to get boundaries in place is a good plan. Also you should think what relationship you want with this child as they will know you. In some ways it doesn't matter what you call yourself, they might see you as their dad and you (and your wife) should be prepared for that.
Also might be worth exploring the legal/child support ramifications.

Thank you all again for your responses.

Possibly I could have written "lesbian couple" but I was worried it might offend.

The couple, my DW and I are going to sit down and discuss the matter and all the possible issues.

I think counselling is a really good idea as is writing down our expectations for future reference.

Thank you again.

I'm not a donor but myself and my wife do have a child conceived with sperm from a known donor. He sees our child a few times a year and our child will know who he is but he definitely isn't a dad or a parent figure but is available for any questions our child has. We are married and so we are both in the birth certificate and he has no rights over our child and is not legally liable for child support. Before we went through with this we sat down and really talked about our expectations and what we all wanted out of the situation to make sure we were in the same page. We also signed a contract. Technically the contract is not legally enforceable but there is a precedent where the judge stated that such agreements should be given worth in court provided circumstances do not drastically change without the document being amended.
There's no reason why donating sperm couldn't work for you as long as you are all on the same page. If you are and it's something you want to do then you should go for it after ironing out all the details such as what you would tell your own DC etc.

The child would know you are it's father, but will you tell your other children about their half sibling? Will they be involved with that child?

Welshrainbow thank you so much for sharing your story. I really appreciate it.

Laiste* these are some of the things I need to work out. It's a really complex situation, but children are flexible, so I'm optimistic that if it's explained right they will be OK.

I don't know if anyone who posted on here will still be around or interested, but in case anyone searches in the future, I thought I'd update.

We decided to go ahead with it. Generated a document setting out our expectations and responsibilities (financially and parentally). All four of us signed it with 4 different witnesses.

Then we spent 6 months trying.

The first time was so awkward for everyone. I'm not going to say it got easier, but we did get more used to it. It remained a "weird" process though. (imagine specimen cups left on bathroom sinks....).

On the "last try" we were successful and their little girl was born 6 months ago. She's gorgeous.

There's no particular feeling of attachment there or that she's "mine". She's just a cute baby our friends have had.

I know that I've made them both so happy and I feel honoured to have been able to.

They'd like a second, and we've agreed. Though I'm not looking forward to the conceiving process again

I thought you all might like to know

you've clearly thought this through and no YANBU to consider sperm donation. I think it's a lovely gift.

Sorry hadn't RTFT - congrats OP - that's lovely news!!!

Thats awesome news. Great update!!

Lovely update. My partner and I have two children conceived from a known donor, and it is the most amazing thing. We didn't know our donor beforehand, but met, got on very well, discussed what we all wanted from it and signed a contract. He was very clear that he wanted no involvement, but we became friends and stayed in occasional touch. We no longer live in the same country as our donor, but visited last year and spent some time with him. It was lovely for our kids (now preteens) to get to know him, and he them, and slightly surreal for us to see our children reflected in him. It has been wholly positive for all involved.

Thank you for your response Waiohwai. That's what our friends would like. We're more of an "Uncle / Aunt" relationship with them so that their children can identify their origins should they want to.

It's good to hear that it works

If you were a stud dog you'd need all sorts of tests done to check you out. On a more serious note I'd want to know their attitude to foetal abnormalities and I'm also not sure how you would stay disengaged from the child.

My brother is doing this, well not exactly this. My brother is Gay, doesn’t want kids & says he will never have any of his own, even if he had the options to. He’s donating to a sperm bank. To be honest, I’m not comfortable with this, purely for selfish reasons. Which I haven’t told him as it’s not fair, nor any of my business.

The one thing I asked him is, how would you feel if you walked past your own child in the street? Could you carry on walking by?
Your situation is rather complex, I’m not so sure how your child would feel when he/she grows up. It’s a lot to think about

@Griselda1

You should RTFT, I think your "advice" is a bit outdated

And congrats OP, what a wonderful couple you are to have helped another have a wonderful family.

But....can I add. It’s such a lovely thoughtful thing to consider. Can I just add, are you one thousand % sure you’d like the two women raising your child? I mean, when adopting etc. Tests are done, back ground checks etc. Would these still be done? Are you happy/comfortable they are good people?

They won’t need to adopt - if they are married and if you do it via a clinic AND you should ( not expensive as there’s no fertility treatment) they will be parents on the birth cert and you will be the donor with no rights.
They have to be married tho.
If you go for home insemination - you will need an I dependent witness to prove you went in a cup and no ‘sex’ took place. So someone ideally needs to watch you jizz and hand the some over and witness insemination or at least that the ladies are in a separate room taking care of that while you are elsewhere. And you ca sign something saying that you are just donor but that’s not solid if you do it at home.
Just use a clinic - you can use a known donor and that will help with all of the legal stuff. The key is for them to be parents on the birth certificate is that they have to be married.
My advice - to them- having worked with many, many lesbian parents would be to go with an unknown donor at home or an unknown donor via a clinic ( it’s not expensive for iui - £1500 -£2k including paying for donor slerm)
If they use the sperm of a friend then make sure that friend is a well established friend of years and years and years. Not some well wishing acquaintance . In fact the only women I know who have used known donors have used donors who are GOOD friends and also are gay with no other family ties when it comes to kids.
Perhaps you should just consider donating to a sperm bank if you’re keen to help families. You don’t get paid - very basic expenses- and you’d be helping lots of people,
Gay and straight

@Wheninrometoday I asked him a range of questions to access how he’d feel knowing he’d fathered a child that he wasn’t going to raise, it’s extremely unlikely he’d walk past them but things do happen. My brother did ermmm, what’s it called when they trace your ancestry? Well he did that, the company who did it passed his info on & a company that offers “donors” to people contacted him & asked him if he’d consider donating. He said it was due to his heritage. Tbh we didn’t go into it much, so some details may be slightly out