AIBU to be slightly upset that I am not a bridesmaid?

[Marissa2727]

Hi!

Am I being unreasonable to be slightly upset about not being asked to be a bridesmaid at my close friends wedding next summer? We have been close friends since school, our partners are friends and she was a bridesmaid at my wedding this year.

I haven’t said anything to her about this. She talks about her wedding a lot and I feel a bit awkward, especially when she refers to her bridesmaids. I would understand it more if she was only having a couple of bridesmaids but from what I understand she is having at least 5 or 6. She is very wealthy so it is definitely not a cost issue.

I haven’t spoken to her about this because I don’t want to look petty or cause any tension between us, I really value her friendship. I’m thinking that she should have brought it up with me really...

A separate issue is that she has planned a week long hen do abroad in a very expensive place. I can’t really afford to go anyway but probably would have stretched myself in order to go if I was a bridesmaid. Do you think it would be unreasonable of me to not go on this?

Thank you in advance! Xx

As I get older I hate the whole bridesmaid thing.

It’s probably just me being a misery but it just seems ridiculous past a certain age/life stage to all rock up in matching dresses parading down the aisle. I know it’s tradition etc but ‘traditionally’ people also got married much younger and as people have pointed out had unmarried people (I think traditionally family??) as bridesmaids.

I am bridesmaid for 2 friends next year (MOH for 1) and I’m so glad that after that I don’t think there is anyone left who will ask me to be one.

I didn’t have any, because I’m a no frills kind of gal and I couldn’t be bothered with the additional fuss of bridesmaids.

But anyway back to the point, even though I feel the way I feel about bridesmaids and all of the associated bollocks, I would still be hurt in your situation I reckon OP. I’ve actually been in a similar situation before and what I will say is that friendships often ebb and flow. 10 years on the woman who did not ask me remains one of my oldest and closest friends and we are much closer now than we were back then. I was away at uni for most of her pre-wedding relationship and although we always remained friends, we weren’t really that close at the time. I understand her choice and I don’t think it would have occurred to her that she was leaving me out (we were a group of 4 childhood friends and the other 2 were her bridesmaids) as I just wasn’t that involved in the group at that time.

But I did end up arranging her hen do (was back from uni by then) and also went round to her house on the morning of the wedding as she asked me to come and make sure the bridesmaids were ready on time (both notorious for being really really late all the time), which I could have taken as a slap in the face but I didn’t, I was happy that I’d been included. I was also thanked in the speeches for all id done and got flowers etc. Turned out nice in the end.

Is she very popular with lots of friends? If so, it could be that she would have had to have 10-12 bridesmaids to avoid upsetting anyone and she just thought that was too many, so has gone with family and one friendship group. Still not ideal that she didn't explain her reasons to you though - she probably felt awkward as she knew you would be disappointed and so has avoided the conversation.

I would try to just come to terms with it if I were you. I bet she wanted to have you as well but just had too many close friends to choose between. It doesn't mean she doesn't really like you and value your friendship, just that she also has other people she really likes and values too.

Ps. If it helps, I will probably have to end up upsetting some close friends if I get married but I will be very sad about it and it doesn't at all reflect my feelings towards the people. I just have two very close groups of friends I've had for over 20 years, a sister in law who I was bridesmaid for, only one cousin who my family would be v offended if I didn't ask and a DP with a sister. So I'd have to have c.13 bridesmaids to avoid offence or upset! I'll probably choose based on practicalities (who lives near me, who has most spare time) and family duty - nothing to do with who I like more. Maybe I will have to go round explaining my choice to everyone though as I wouldn't want any of them feeling down about it

Gosh Fia256 I didn't realise that six bridesmaids was even a thing . Hope you're still in contact with the other friend.

ConkerGame well, if there's one thing to be learned from this thread, it's that explaining to non-bridesmaids that it's a practical not a personal thing is probably a good idea. For reasonable people, it removes the confusion and upset we've seen here.

@Butterymuffin yeah I think that’s a good point. Obviously it’s not necessary to explain to all of your friends. but when it is a very close friend who you have been a bridesmaid for recently, see often and ask wedding advice from it is unreasonable to not offer an explanation.

I definitely would NOT go to the hen WEEK. Who the fuck has a HEN WEEK, how pretentious!

As a few posters have said, go away with your DH instead, and tell your so-called friend that you cannot go to the 'hen week,' and may not be able to make the wedding either. (I would not go to that either, as she obviously doesn't value you very highly.)

I know someone who was friends with someone from the age of 7 to 27, and they did everything together; parties, holidays together, lived together for a year in Paris, worked together for several years etc...

Well, her friend got married, and never even invited her, let alone made her bridesmaid! She asked her to her hen though. The woman I know refused to go, and never spoke to this girl again. The other girl was quite baffled and never knew why she was 'ghosted.'

Surely no-one is that thick and insensitive?

YANBU to refuse to go to the hen - and YANBU also, to refuse to go to the wedding.