AIBU to be slightly upset that I am not a bridesmaid?

[Marissa2727]

Hi!

Am I being unreasonable to be slightly upset about not being asked to be a bridesmaid at my close friends wedding next summer? We have been close friends since school, our partners are friends and she was a bridesmaid at my wedding this year.

I haven’t said anything to her about this. She talks about her wedding a lot and I feel a bit awkward, especially when she refers to her bridesmaids. I would understand it more if she was only having a couple of bridesmaids but from what I understand she is having at least 5 or 6. She is very wealthy so it is definitely not a cost issue.

I haven’t spoken to her about this because I don’t want to look petty or cause any tension between us, I really value her friendship. I’m thinking that she should have brought it up with me really...

A separate issue is that she has planned a week long hen do abroad in a very expensive place. I can’t really afford to go anyway but probably would have stretched myself in order to go if I was a bridesmaid. Do you think it would be unreasonable of me to not go on this?

Thank you in advance! Xx

The friend is entitled to have who she chooses as BM of course. But the right thing would have been to talk to the OP about it. Instead it’s become the ‘elephant in the room’.

I was BM at my DSis’s first wedding but not at her second. She didn’t want anything to be the same as the first. Of course I understood. If she hadn’t explained I could have been quite upset.

There’s no chance she’s waiting to ask you to be her MOH is there?
If not I wouldn’t speak to her about it. I would mentally downgrade the friendship but continue to enjoy her company on a more casual basis. I certainly wouldn’t spend loads of money or annual leave on a week long hen. Are the bridesmaids all rich too?

Exactly sparkel, that's what I would do!

Might be totally off the mark but twice I've been overlooked for bridesmaid duties (sil and then a v.close df) they both later confessed it was because I'm slimmer than them!!!

YANBU to be upset, but personally I would try to get over it in my own way and not bring it up with her. Every friendship is different, though, and ultimately you know best how that conversation is likely to go.

I’ve never been a friend’s bridesmaid. I feel like I’ve come close a few times but never quite made the ‘cut’ because all my friends tend to have those couple of special friends who they’ve known all their lives, or who they’re simply just closer to than me. It’s nothing personal and I know that, but it still twinges sometimes. I would never, ever say anything to them though. I’m very much of the view that their wedding should be however they want it, and I wouldn’t dream of causing them any kind of stress by asking why I haven’t been picked.

When my best friend got married a few years ago I thought this was finally my chance, but then she told me that she’d decided not to have any. I was a bit disappointed but I just told her that they should have their day however they wanted it, and that I was happy for her. And I said that I’d still be there for her on the morning of the wedding if she needed anything or had any last-minute errands that she needed running.

Unless you have reason to think that she’s genuinely done this out of malice then I really would try to let it go.

I think some people also need to remember that asking someone to be your bridesmaid is an honour, but it’s also asking them for a pretty big favour! I was a bridesmaid at my sister’s wedding last year and while it was amazing, it was bloody hard work (and expensive) too. And not everyone actually wants that honour.

Thankyou @Aeroflotgirl !

Yes I’m still good friends with the other friend and also the two bridesmaids. The other friend had tried to stay friends with the bride after the wedding. Although the excluding carried on afterwards and after a while she got tired of it too and no longer speaks to her either.

I think in my case, it was a case of the bride wanting to be the first to do everything as she had been with her dh since their teens so thought she was entitled to have it all before everyone else. I don’t think she liked that me and the friend got married before her and had children etc. One of the bridesmaids is heavily pregnant and the bride is now ttc (from what I’ve been told) and she is now being funny with her because she got married first so thought that she should of been the first one out of them to be pregnant. She actually said that to her, which was apparently as a joke but clearly wasn’t.

So I think I’m well rid

Ok thanks everyone. It seems that I’m not being unreasonable. Still not sure whether to bring it up with her or not...
She constantly asks for advice about wedding things and I have sat with her hours helping with wedding stuff. I think I’m just going to detach myself a bit and be less involved in her wedding.
I’ve decided I’m not going on her hen either, it is too expensive anyway but will be too hurtful to be surrounded by the other bridesmaids.

If you do bring it up you could say:only reason im bringing this up is bc im really worried that I may have offended you somehow or done something wrong and u are too polite to tell me.u r v special to me so would hate to think that I may have upset you in any way etc etc

The constantly asking advice thing was part of what did my head in Marissa2727 - it somehow just made the whole thing even worse.

If the other bridesmaids are all part of a close knit friendship group of buddies who she grew up with and u r not connected to this paricular group then maybe that's why and it's genuinely nothing personal.

OP, I have been in a fairly similar situation: my best friend from school did not choose me to be one of her three bridesmaids. When I got engaged recently, I asked her to be mine regardless.

I'm not going to pretend it didn't and still does fucking sting to a certain extent, but I've had good advice on it, the best of which was 'this day is only one day on the continuum of your friendship'.

In the run up to the wedding, she got frustrated by the behaviour of all three of her chosen bridesmaids, and actually ended up organising her own hen do. We talked wedding stuff before I got engaged, and we talked a lot about our family quirks (we're doth from semi-dysfunctional set ups), and offered each other mutual support. I contributed a couple of things to the wedding day, they thanked me in the speeches and congratulated me on my engagement in their speeches (I think I got more actual 'speech time' than the bridesmaids come to think of it).

I understand your need for her to say something, I really do. But after all, there's not really such a thing as 'you're not a bridesmaid' announcement. (which is especially tough when you face all the people who expected you to be a bridesmaid - in my case including the bride's own mum!).

My advice is to think about your whole relationship with her and how she's treating you generally. For me, a lot of my sore feelings were exorcised by her wedding day and her BIG excitement for my engagement.

Oh and it quite possibly sounds like she may have made the decision to go by 'tradition' as PPs have said, but I don't think that invalidates your feelings one bit. Tradition is a poor excuse for treating someone else with less kindness or consideration than you would normally.

Been in a very similar situation myself and unfortunately 4 years on it did affect our friendship, things have never been the same.

YANBU to be saddened by it. xx

Could you maybe gently step back a bit from being sought after for advice?

What do you think your friend would say if, every time she asked you for your opinion, you said pleasantly and thoughtfully: “Hmm. I’m not sure. What do your bridesmaids think?”

It might help her see clearly that you’re not one of them. But I’m not sure whether or not it would come across as passive aggressive. Which would be bad!

Good on you Fia it will end up biting her in the arse in the end, and she will have no friends, hence you are still friends and she has flounced. She sounds very immature and silly, your best off out of it.

Good on you op, the bride sounds very self absorbed and I would get tired of the constant wedding talk, as if everything revolves around that. I would change the subject when she starts to talk about it, and distance myself from her. Great your avoiding the week long hen, it will be awful for you.

Of course YANBU to feel hurt, I’d think you weren’t as close as you thought you were BUT from your last post sounds like shes asking a lot of your time so either she loved your wedding and wants to copy stuff/get your input or thinks you’re a great wedding planner.
I wouldn’t personally ask why I didn’t make the cut for BM, but I would take a step back and try and deflect all the questions you’re asked onto the actual bridesmaids. Like the above poster said. Maybe practise saying oh I’m a bit busy, can one of your bridesmaids help out? (In a non Passive aggressive way!!)

Spend less time with her, and tell her to ask her bridesmaids to help her if she needs any wedding help.

“hours” helping her with wedding stuff? She has a fiancé, two bridesmaids and her parents.

She needs to be asking them.

My best friend (and only friend outside family) of 20 years now, got married and had myself and three other friends as BMs. It was all great until one of the other BMs started to "take over". Bride strictly said she didn't want to know the details of the hen do, what dresses we were tbuying (we were to buy our own) so long as they were a certain colour.
The self enrolled chief bridesmaid booked a week in Tenerife (I don't even have a passport and it was booked four weeks ahead only...I also had 3 kids and a single parent) and dresses were 'a bargain' at 150quid....after much stress and tears I told the bride I want to step down as bridesmaid.
It was hard and I really didn't want to have the conversation (I didn't tell her it was due to selfish knobs like her friend until after the wedding).
I thought it would be so awkward after and I'd have lost my friend.

Today we are still best friends and she actually wishes her bridesmaids weren't who they were and she's gutted I wasn't.... basically OP, a true friend won't make the convo awkward, better to do it now than close to the wedding (I had a lovely day and the bridesmaids dresses looked awful, I looked amazing..haha!).

True @BenLui except she has at least 5 bridesmaids to help her out.
Starting to feel more annoyed with her now haha 😂. I think I will defer the the advice
etc to the bridesmaids from now on..

@altiara she does keep saying that she loved my wedding and how everything was so organised. So maybe you’re right, hadn’t thought of that!

Yes!! Don’t be a free wedding planner - start charging 😉

Marissa 5 bridesmaids, can you imagine the bitching that will be going on?

I would absolutely not be prepared to spend hours of my time helping plan a wedding for someone who has five bridesmaids. That is quite definitely not your job.

YANBU. And the upside is it’s less awkward to miss the expensive hen week.
I wouldn’t speak to her about it. The one thing I’ve learnt in life is that if someone doesn’t want you, that is a fact, for whatever reason, and you can’t make them think differently.
Now you know where you stand and you can detach accordingly.

Op do you think there could be any influence regarding the choice of bridesmaids from her other half or her future in laws?
I say this as the daughter of a friend of mine was always promised that when Auntie M got married she would be bridesmaid, in fact we all knew and when she announced her engagement we all assumed friends daughter would be bridesmaid.
However M's fiacee preferred to have the daughter of another friend, who was "more useful" to him from a business point of view, and who he wanted to forge a closer relationship with, so friends daughter was overlooked.
D'you know friends daughter still goes on about it 15 years later!

@HazelBite maybe... the other bridesmaids are all extremely well to do.
I’ve had vibes sometimes that she and her other half look down their noses at us a little bit. We’re not poor, just normal really and happy with what we have. It’s never been anything major though and I’ve wondered whether I’m being overly sensitive or if she doesn’t realise that she is doing it.
But I’d be lying if I said it hadn’t crossed my mind that the real reason is that I’m not of the same ‘class’ as she sees her bridesmaids.

Just because she was your BM doesn't give an automatic pas to be hers. Although, she is having quiet a few so I'd be hurt like you are if I'm honest. Is it to even out numbers with male bridal party etc??

You need to let her know in some form though. Next time she asks you for advice, you could give an opinion but follow it up with "Maybe you should ask your bridesmaid's what they think as well"/"I don't feel it's my place, your bridesmaid's might have an idea though" - I'm sure she'll soon get the message.