AIBU to be slightly upset that I am not a bridesmaid?

[Marissa2727]

Hi!

Am I being unreasonable to be slightly upset about not being asked to be a bridesmaid at my close friends wedding next summer? We have been close friends since school, our partners are friends and she was a bridesmaid at my wedding this year.

I haven’t said anything to her about this. She talks about her wedding a lot and I feel a bit awkward, especially when she refers to her bridesmaids. I would understand it more if she was only having a couple of bridesmaids but from what I understand she is having at least 5 or 6. She is very wealthy so it is definitely not a cost issue.

I haven’t spoken to her about this because I don’t want to look petty or cause any tension between us, I really value her friendship. I’m thinking that she should have brought it up with me really...

A separate issue is that she has planned a week long hen do abroad in a very expensive place. I can’t really afford to go anyway but probably would have stretched myself in order to go if I was a bridesmaid. Do you think it would be unreasonable of me to not go on this?

Thank you in advance! Xx

@hotbutteredcrumpetsandtea I know that her being my bridesmaid does not mean that she has to make me hers.

It’s not that I’m not close enough to talk to her about it. We see each other very regularly and have been close friends for a long time. I could ask her, of course. It’s whether that is actually the right thing to do. I’m not sure that it is. The outcomes would be either that she feels bad about it and does nothing or that she feels bad about it and feels pressured to have me as a bridesmaid. I don’t want to make her feel pressured, I don’t want to be a bridesmaid out of pressure and I don’t want to cause tension in our friendship.

Nelly - it sounds like you had a quiet word with the ones who weren't BMs. That's a lot better than what OP's "D" Friend has done.

Hot people probably don’t know Chicken’s terms and conditions until it’s too late and they’ve been ditched!

Marissa I had an issue with a friend recently that I felt was eating me away, I was thinking about it all the time. So I told her what had upset me, we had a really honest conversation, and we both feel better about the whole thing. I know all situations are different, but I’d say - say something.

Honestly? Your friendship is probably over anyway. Not many friendships come back from something like this. So either ask her why and accept the answer will kill your friendship. Or move on. But either way it will never be the same.

There's no match up at all between the people I've been bridesmaid for and my bridesmaids. I have a friend who I think the world of, partly because she makes so much effort for friends and really stays in touch. It would be nothing but a loss for me to cut her off because she stayed in touch with her childhood friends and I didn't. In selecting "best friends" she would be one of mine but I doubt I'd be one of hers.

Similarly, I have a friend who is quite prickly and quick to cut people out. I'd be higher up her "rankings" than she'd be mine, if we were all still teenagers and thought like that.

We've all had such different lives, you can't make a direct comparison. If you move to a new area, make one friend, they become the person you'd go out with most- do you drop them for already having other friends they go out with ? Of course not, that would be normal given the circumstances. I think it's ok to be a wee bit hurt, you can't help it after all, but don't cut off your nose to spite your face.

I wouldn't want to be one of 7 bridesmaids, I'd feel like an absolute numpty

(misses point)

Chalk it up OP

YANBU. It’s only natural to feel hurt by it.

We were a group of 5 friends who had all been very very close friends since we were in primary school and stayed close all the way through life so far. There was never any obvious “favouritism” between anyone and everyone was equally as close to each other. One of them got married last year and of the 4 friends, only picked two for bridesmaids. I was one of the two that didn’t get picked.

Found it very difficult to talk about her wedding and plans when we all got together as did the other friend who wasn’t picked but we always made the effort. And to make matters even worse, she started to have private get togethers with her two bridesmaids each week, leaving us other two out. Went to all the wedding fayres etc with just those two. It caused such a rift as she seemingly quite happily excluded myself and the other girl.

At the wedding, she said her own little speech and when handing out bridesmaid gifts she thanked them for being the closest and best friends she’s ever had and spoke of how she couldn’t of picked two better friends than them. I left early as soon as the evening guests arrived and we no longer speak. It’s a shame as it’s almost 30 years of friendship down the drain. There was never an explanation but the only thing I can think is the two of us who weren’t picked, are the only two who were already married, with children, a mortgage and good jobs. The bride and the other two, had no children, can only afford to rent a small house etc.

I honestly think it always boils down to jealousy. Sometimes it might not be overly obvious at first what is causing it but usually there’s always something..

People who do something like this know exactly what they are doing. It wasn't an innocent mistake. She didn't accidently forget to invite you.

I have to disagree I can totally see why you may be hurt & a little confused because you assumed,
But its their wedding, I'm a firm believer in forget everyone else & have the wedding you & your parnter want, as when it cones to weddings its impossible to keep everyone happy, maybe she should have given you a explanation maybe not im not sure about that bit, if your that clkse & that hurt ask her

*if your that close

One of my bridesmaids didn't turn up. I didn't hear from her for 3 years. I still don't know why/how someone could do that.

What Meansmyelephant says.
I’m not sure if I’d continue the friendship after this.

Annabella sheesh, as in she had got the dress and everything and just didn't show up on the day? What happened?

here was never an explanation but the only thing I can think is the two of us who weren’t picked, are the only two who were already married

You flounced from your friends wedding and ditched 3 decades of friendship because she had her unmarried friends as bridesmaids as tradition dictates?

Blimey, people are hard work.

Fia25 just out of interest, who were your bridesmaids?

I think it’s loads better not being a bridesmaid- you can wear what you want and not have any responsibilities on the day and just enjoy your friend’s wedding.

@LibbyLongtree I have a lot of family so had my two sisters, two cousins and my dh two little nieces. I’d said to the group of friends at the time I wished I could of had them too but I couldn’t choose one and not the others and all would have been too much which they all understood. I’d also paid for a spa day out and got them some chocs each which I handed to them at our wedding during the speeches as a thanks for all they had done to help me out, so don’t think she was sore over mine or anything! We were all bridesmaids for the other girl who wasn’t picked too x

I don't blame her hotbutter, I would have done the same. Its hurtful when the friendship is not the same as how you feel, and that speech would have been the icing on the cake for me.

I've been on the receiving end if this - oldest friend, one of my bridesmaids and had been saying for 10 years that I'd be her bm. She starts planning wedding and she's messaging me constantly asking advice about wedding planning, sending me pics of bm dresses. Then asks who I had on top table and in reply mentions who her bridesmaids are. Never has a conversation with me about it at all which was the worst part.

Eventually I sent her a message telling her I was hurt. Got a shitty non apology and then two weeks later she cut me dead. Blocked from social media, no comms whatsoever.

Weddings do strange things to some people

Fia was absolutely right to let that friendship go, the bride made it quite clear where she stood before and during the wedding. She made it blatantly obvious that op was not a good friend by pushing her out and excluding her. Most people would have done the same, I don't think I woukd have gone to the wedding in the first place.

Do you hear from any of them?

If she is your closest friend then i don't understand why you can't talk to her.

To me, it sounds like she might be your closest friend, but she has other, closer friends. That doesn't change your friendship in any way!

@hotbutteredcrumpetsandtea I can see why you assume I’m the one that’s hard work, but you do realise you never can give the full picture very easily on MN.

I didn’t just “flounce” off from her wedding because I wasn’t a bridesmaid. The bride had gone out her way to make me and the other friend feel excluded right from the offset. The bridesmaid invites went up on Facebook, where she made a huge thing of it and how she was so excited to be spending the run up to her wedding with just those two etc. We went from a group of friends who met up for lunch or drinks most weeks all together, to her fully excluding us, arranging get togethers almost every week for a year of just her and the bridesmaids which was then always plastered over social media. And was also always planned on the day of the week we all used to get together as was the only day we all could. So group get togethers got hard after that. There was a new WhatsApp group set up just for them. A lot of bitchy comments made at the actual wedding. She also put all friends and family with each other on the tables. The bridesmaids and their partners were sat with some of her work friends, and she put me and my dh and the other friend at the back of the room with family members she’d openly admitted she only invited for the sake of her parents.

So no, I didn’t just let 30 years of friendship go because I wasn’t a bloody bridesmaid

I agree Fia, she made it blatantly clear what she thought of you. I woukd not have gone to the wedding tbh. Do you hear from the other person not picked? Her sitting you at the back with the undesirable relatives, said it all really. I don't blame yiu one bit. Why put yourself through that crap.