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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say this to PIL?

87 replies

StarsAndMoonsBlanket · 11/11/2017 19:21

Because they've text me yet again making me feel guilty because they haven't seen DD since her birthday in June. DD is 2.4, has a developmental delay, a speech delay, hip problems, hearing problems, eye problems and a chest problem. (I've posted about her before under various names).We spend so much time at hospitals it's unreal.

I also work, DH works. I cope by myself with no help with DD over the weekends because DH works every Saturday and once a fortnight works Sunday as well. I don't drive, so rely on public transport.

PILs won't help us as we apparently live to far away even though it's a 20 minute walk. They refuse to get DD from Nursery to have her a few hours then but won't because SIL is only just 17 so not allowed to pick DD up (it's over 18s only allowed to collect the child) and they won't walk/drive there themselves. I have to take DD to them and then pick her up again after. They're not old people, FIL is 43 and MIL 51, both in pretty good health. Yet apparently it's my job to facilitate contact with them. I have posted about them too under different names.

I just want to tell PIL that they'd see her more if they made the effort, picked her up from Nursery occasionally, or even offered to drive us to an appointment every now and again, just like my mum does. Who also got us out of a huge financial mess in March because when we told PILs we needed help (the first time since we moved in together in March 2015) they shrugged their shoulders and said that's life with a young child. My mum supports herself, and her father (who's 84) on her wages and my granddads pension which is less than DH and I earn together, but managed to help us anyway so we didn't lose the flat we live in. Yet I know PILs earn double what DH and I do and work less hours (DH and I do 62-70 hours a week between us, PILs do 45 hours between them).

I give up and want to tell them so. AIBU?

OP posts:
MadMags · 11/11/2017 19:27

They don't have to help you financially.

You don't have to take dd to see them.

I would respond and say "you are welcome to pick her up from nursery and have her for a couple of hours whenever you want. Or you can visit on X Date. Just let me know in advance."

kjhh · 11/11/2017 19:29

I can sympathise with this (partly, as I don’t have children yet). But my in laws sound just like yours - they earn double what my mom does and live in a house that’s paid for so don’t have much expenditure... yet when we asked for help they simply refused, and my mom was the one to help us out.

If I were you I’d definitely tell them that they should be making an effort! Especially without a car and help of your husband, they should expect you to be making all the effort and they do nothing to help you!! I’d just tell them straight, it’s your daughter at the end of the day xx

sadiemm2 · 11/11/2017 19:29

Jesus. They sound like arse holes. I would tell them exactly that. Please come over and see you granddaughter, kettle's on, and cake is on a plate. What time will you be here? If they make excuses, fuck them. I do feel for you, I had awful problems with my Pils early on, and had to be quite firm. It's hard... Flowers my love x

Justbookedasummmerholiday · 11/11/2017 19:32

Text them back and remind them the road goes both ways, that you are in x day if they want to call around. Unfortunately you are so tied up with dd /dh and apps as they know to go to them.
They sound bloody awful op.

Aspieparent · 11/11/2017 19:33

I feel for you and my in-laws are the same. Mil turns up 5 times a year for all 3 dcs birthdays dhs birthday and christmas. Dc 2 is 4 years old and dc 3 is soon to be 3 years old fil has seen dc2 5 times in his life and dc3 2 times in his life. I give up trying to sort out arrangements for them to see dcs they always say to busy can't do it ect so I just leave it now and ignore any comments.

Fitzsimmons · 11/11/2017 19:35

They are under no obligation to help you financially.

However, relationships require effort on both sides and if they want one with their grandchild they need to make the effort.

Next time they mention it, remain light and breezy and say that they are welcome to pop over at such and such times. If they say they want you over there just say that it doesn't work for you and repeat your invitation.

YellowMakesMeSmile · 11/11/2017 19:38

Children are not pay per view. Telling them they would see more of their grandparents if they did childcare or gave you money is horrendous.

Both sides should make an effort re contact, that's not unreasonable to suggest though.

Hellomaryimback · 11/11/2017 19:38

Don't expect a penny of them.

Just say you can see DD if you want to pick her up from nursary.

Don't bother with long winded reply as they won't absorb a word your saying

Sashkin · 11/11/2017 19:39

They are just trying to guilt you into making all the running.

Tell them they can pop round whenever they want, door is always open. They either will or they won’t, either way it isn’t your problem.

FoxesSitOnBoxes · 11/11/2017 19:42

I don’t think it should be a case of them having to pick her up from nursery or babysit or give you money and then you let them see their grandchild. Why don’t you just get together as a family? Seems odd that you live so close and yet there has been no contact in all that time

Original poster
StarsAndMoonsBlanket · 11/11/2017 19:43

Yellow Where have I said I want them to do something in return to see DD? All I want is for them to make some effort I do all the running. I've suggested them picking her up from Nursery before and they just asked if SIL could get her and when I said no because she's too young they said it's a stupid rule stopping them seeing their grandchild, it's a 5 minute drive/15 minute walk from their house.

OP posts:
wobblywonderwoman · 11/11/2017 19:43

The money thing.. Sorry that is not on at all. You can't expect financial help regardless of your situation.

The visiting - again I think the collection from nursery is your responsibility. However, given the fact your daughter has medical needs and you don't drive - that isnt on that they dont help. If it is 20 mins walk I am surprised that you haven't met since June. That is really odd

Original poster
StarsAndMoonsBlanket · 11/11/2017 19:45

Foxes Because they want me to go to them. If I offer to meet them somewhere they tell me they'd rather I came to them. If I ask them to come here they say we live too far away. They won't budge.

OP posts:
timeisnotaline · 11/11/2017 19:50

There's nothing you can do about people like that. Just reply you can drop by any weekend, let us know. And ignore.

shouldwestayorshouldwego · 11/11/2017 19:52

I would get dh to deal with them. 'Oh why don't you txt dh and make some plans with him on his day off?'

Sashkin · 11/11/2017 19:53

They won't budge

“Oh that’s a shame” and move on. If they suggest you go to them, just say “no, it’s too far, but you can always come to us”. They obviously can’t be fucked, so I wouldn’t waste any more mental space on them.

Gemini69 · 11/11/2017 19:54

I text back... well you know where we live... Flowers

babyturtles · 11/11/2017 19:54

Yes exactly what MadMags said is perfect I think. "I would respond and say "you are welcome to pick her up from nursery and have her for a couple of hours whenever you want. Or you can visit on X Date. Just let me know in advance.""

Lottie509 · 11/11/2017 19:55

They sound like useless grandparents who are blaming you because they love a moan.
I wouldnt bother with them personally.

TheWernethWife · 11/11/2017 19:59

Wobbly I would help my adult children if they were struggling financially and especially with a sick child as well. How could you refuse to help family. OP your in laws are a pair of bastards, if they want to see your DD then they must come to you. The ball is in their court and I hope they take great pleasure in their money, after all, they can't take it with them. Probably I'm just being an angry northern grandma.

woodpecker2 · 11/11/2017 19:59

His parents his problem, sorry that's my rule! Suggest they txt their son.

JellyBabiesSaveLives · 11/11/2017 20:06

"It would be lovely to see you. Why don't you text dh and arrange a time for you to visit us?". And save it and resend every time ...

I wonder if they can't be bothered with their grandchild and feel guilty about that, so it's safe to keep blaming you and complaining- that way it's not their fault but they still don't have to bother with her/you?

My mum used to complain endlessly that she didn't get to see enough of our kids, and then when we visited she wouldn't even talk to them.

schmoozypoo · 11/11/2017 20:06

They sound like my in-laws, they drive past my house to go shopping in the past 7 years they have visited a handful of times. Our youngest is 6 months and they visited once for 10 mins when he was a week old. I now refuse to visit unless I am going to the town where they live usually about every 6 weeks. It doesn't bother them so that is easier for us( although that hurts in a whole different way) but I do feel for you OP

BenLui · 11/11/2017 20:06

If they want to see their Grandchild tell them you’ll be home from 2-4pm and they are welcome to come for a coffee and play.

If they say no to that, then they’ve made their own choice.

FoxesSitOnBoxes · 11/11/2017 20:08

In that case I’d leave out all the bits about wanting them to do things for you and just invite them to yours. Then “oh that’s a shame” if they won’t. They sound pretty rubbish grandparents if they won’t visit at all