To say this to PIL?

[StarsAndMoonsBlanket]

Because they've text me yet again making me feel guilty because they haven't seen DD since her birthday in June. DD is 2.4, has a developmental delay, a speech delay, hip problems, hearing problems, eye problems and a chest problem. (I've posted about her before under various names).We spend so much time at hospitals it's unreal.

I also work, DH works. I cope by myself with no help with DD over the weekends because DH works every Saturday and once a fortnight works Sunday as well. I don't drive, so rely on public transport.

PILs won't help us as we apparently live to far away even though it's a 20 minute walk. They refuse to get DD from Nursery to have her a few hours then but won't because SIL is only just 17 so not allowed to pick DD up (it's over 18s only allowed to collect the child) and they won't walk/drive there themselves. I have to take DD to them and then pick her up again after. They're not old people, FIL is 43 and MIL 51, both in pretty good health. Yet apparently it's my job to facilitate contact with them. I have posted about them too under different names.

I just want to tell PIL that they'd see her more if they made the effort, picked her up from Nursery occasionally, or even offered to drive us to an appointment every now and again, just like my mum does. Who also got us out of a huge financial mess in March because when we told PILs we needed help (the first time since we moved in together in March 2015) they shrugged their shoulders and said that's life with a young child. My mum supports herself, and her father (who's 84) on her wages and my granddads pension which is less than DH and I earn together, but managed to help us anyway so we didn't lose the flat we live in. Yet I know PILs earn double what DH and I do and work less hours (DH and I do 62-70 hours a week between us, PILs do 45 hours between them).

I give up and want to tell them so. AIBU?

I'm curious about what your DH says.

This is a repetitive trope on AIBU —the grandparents who demand that the parent does everything to facilitate grandchild visits. They seem to feel entitled to having everyone cater to them and have no clue as to how physically and mentally draining it is to work and raise small children, let alone children with special medical needs.

However, I don't think you gain anything by launching an attack on them, even if they deserve it. Don't give them the satisfaction. I would return shrug for shrug. Continue making it clear what needs to happen if they want to see DD. When they complain (stupidly) about not liking the rule re: SIL's age, shrug. When they complain about not seeing DD, make a very specific suggestion — Do you want to pick us up and drive us to this appointment? Do you want to pick her up from nursery on this particular day? When they say no and start complaining that you should do the work instead, shrug.

They won't budge. Ok. Doesn't mean you have to budge. If they won't come they won't come. If they aren't bothered about seeing DD then don't do all the running to create a pretence that they care.

You've done your running. Invite them to yours. Don't go to theirs until they have visited you. Of course if DH wants to take DD to visit his parents that's another thing entirely (and gives you a break).

I think if they are babysitting her for you for a few hours you droppping her off and collecting isn't a big ask as it's so near. You will still get a decent chunk of time to yourself.
Odd that they think what must be a 5 min drive to you to be too far though. Surely it would be easier for them to do the drive and visit you than to babysit for the afternoon?

Not even a 5 minute drive if there's no traffic, we're only the opposite side of our town to them. It only takes 20 minutes to walk because there's only a road bridge over the river with no pavement so you have to walk round the back of a housing estate to get on the footbridge.

They don't have to help you financially but if they keep on whinging about not seeing their grandchild who lives pretty much around the corner because it's to far, telling them to fuck off (or more polite words to that effect - like do please fuck off) might just do quite nicely.

Paediatric doctor here....I see a lot of children who have multiple medical conditions, are constantly in hospital for appointments or else ringing up the hospital to update my consultant about their condition and if they need any adjustments to their medication. Serious hats off to you. I have no idea how the parents I see cope but they always do. You have constant appointments and the worry is always there about your little one. Your PIL sound like they have no clue how complicated life is with a child who has multiple medical problems. It can be really really tough. Are they aware how much you are self reliant?? They need to help you out more and as for you contacting them about seeing the child I'm sorry but they need to be thinking about that. You have far too much going on. Seriously well done and make sure you get as much support as you can either from family or healthcare groups

Could be easier to get together as a whole family. When you said they hadn't seen their GD since June I thought they were very old or lived 100s of miles away.
My 90 year old MIL lives abroad and sees her adult grandchildren more frequently than yours.
They are basically not interested. Do they have any other grandchildren?

MIL doesn't think DDs conditions are as bad as we say they are, she doesn't believe in most medical conditions, she rarely goes to the doctors herself and as soon as she's finished a course of treatment she's "ok now" and it's all forgotten. When I listed her referrals she shuck her head and said it was "all a fuss about nothing".

Lazy No, SILs only 17 so not interested in children yet.

Do you think they could be worried about looking after her on their own because of her medical conditions? Have they ever indicated this?
I have huge respect for how you manage to cope with work and caring for a disabled toddler. I find the GP situation incomprehensible.

Your MIL sounds like a patronising idiot. She has no clue about the ins and outs of paediatric medicine and how one condition can knock on to another and how that can affect the child's development and how difficult that can be to you. TBH I was totally ignorant until I started paeds training. Your MIL just needs educated. I don't know how you do that unless she comes with you to your child's appointments. I'm so sorry this is happening to you. Are you part of any parents groups? From what I've seen they seem to be the best support for parents of children with lots of medical problems. Sending you big hugs

Lazy They've never said so and tbf DD doesn't require extra care, she just needs help getting over even the smallest steps or kerbs, and when you change her nappies has to be lifted by her thighs not her ankles. She's very good at keeping her glasses on and her hearing aids in but I'd be happy to show how to put these back in as it takes all of 2 seconds to do if they do come out probably because I bribed her with chocolate when she first got them "if you keep your glasses on/hearing aids in all day you can have a small pack of buttons after tea"

Just text back ‘oh do pop across Tuesday if you’re free. I’m staying in’

And repeat every time. If they say it’s too far, minimise saying oh it’s just 5 minutes in the car, it’s easy enough for you

Not in the parent groups Back DDs paediatrician hasn't even met her yet as Health Visitor referred to him (at Child Development Centre) but he's not got any appointments until February

When they say it is too far reply saying it is just as far for you to go the them as it is for them to come to you.

I would offer an occasion for them to fetch her from nursery for a few hours and if they can't then leave it and let DH deal.

I'd tell them they can see your daughter whenever they like tell them they can come around to your houseand see her whenever they are free, they will soon decide how much they want to see her when you leave the ball in their court.

It absolutely shocks me that your in-laws live 5 mins drive away and haven’t bothered to see their grandchild since June. 5 MONTHS!! That’s actually disgusting. Why are you even bothering with them. Waste of space sorry. My parents would probably see their grandchildren every day when if we are lucky enough to conceive. I hope you can muster the courage to tell them to stop being arseholes and put some effort in. X

"It would be lovely to see you. Why don't you text dh and arrange a time for you to visit us?". And save it and resend every time ...

This.

Totally what Pumpkintopf said. Then eventually they will push you to let them know that they need to get off their arses if they want to see your kid.

I really don't know why you would want anything to do with them. Their attitude to your DD's condition would be enough to end it for me.

No, children don't need a relationship with GPs who don't care about them.

Let your DH deal with them (if he must) and lower your expectations to zero.

Any decent human being would see what you're going through and offer to help if they could. For GPS not to do so is inexcusable in my book.

"It would be lovely to see you

Why should she lie?

Sorry, I copied that one from Jellybabiessavelives post-but echo the sentiment entirely!

Nannyogg maybe because if they made the effort to come over the op would be pleased to see them?

Fell asleep last night sorry.

They are great with DD when they see her, but just don't understand or care about her conditions.

DH never replies to texts ever, even ones from me so that's why they text me.

I've replied saying we'll be in anytime after 4pm next Saturday, but DD goes to bed at 7pm so could they let me know in advance what time they're coming.

Yanbu. If they say it's too far say "it is just as far for me to come to you and you have a car. Don't be ridiculous."

Can their dogs be left unattended? Some can't.

yower Yes the dogs can be left alone. It's not done regularly but when it's been needed they've left them for 3-4 hours and both dogs have been fine