To say this to PIL?

[StarsAndMoonsBlanket]

Because they've text me yet again making me feel guilty because they haven't seen DD since her birthday in June. DD is 2.4, has a developmental delay, a speech delay, hip problems, hearing problems, eye problems and a chest problem. (I've posted about her before under various names).We spend so much time at hospitals it's unreal.

I also work, DH works. I cope by myself with no help with DD over the weekends because DH works every Saturday and once a fortnight works Sunday as well. I don't drive, so rely on public transport.

PILs won't help us as we apparently live to far away even though it's a 20 minute walk. They refuse to get DD from Nursery to have her a few hours then but won't because SIL is only just 17 so not allowed to pick DD up (it's over 18s only allowed to collect the child) and they won't walk/drive there themselves. I have to take DD to them and then pick her up again after. They're not old people, FIL is 43 and MIL 51, both in pretty good health. Yet apparently it's my job to facilitate contact with them. I have posted about them too under different names.

I just want to tell PIL that they'd see her more if they made the effort, picked her up from Nursery occasionally, or even offered to drive us to an appointment every now and again, just like my mum does. Who also got us out of a huge financial mess in March because when we told PILs we needed help (the first time since we moved in together in March 2015) they shrugged their shoulders and said that's life with a young child. My mum supports herself, and her father (who's 84) on her wages and my granddads pension which is less than DH and I earn together, but managed to help us anyway so we didn't lose the flat we live in. Yet I know PILs earn double what DH and I do and work less hours (DH and I do 62-70 hours a week between us, PILs do 45 hours between them).

I give up and want to tell them so. AIBU?

It would be easy enough to shrug your shoulders and leave them to it if they just weren't that bothered about seeing you and your children. It's the blaming YOU for not making the effort that must be so galling.

My PIL complain that they don't see enough of my DD and their dgd, but they will drive over an hour to their town, have lunch, stand at the end of their road and see that they're home but not knock at the door or phone to say they are there. And then tell DD and her DH that this is what they have done, despite me asking them not to mention it because it would be too hurtful for my daughter who, despite their faults, loves them dearly.
A few days later they will complain that DD and her family never go to visit them.

Sometimes some people and their actions beggar belief.
It's not you, it's them.

If you live too far away to go to them, then say ‘you live too far away for us to come to you’.

Just ignore them. If they don't want to make any sort of effort to see her, they can't want to all that badly. Making you feel guilty with all you have going on is not on. Could you block their number?

My parents are like this. They live a whole ten mins walk away and complain they never see my DD. They walk past my house every day. Never ask to see her, never call me/her. Happy to moan to their friends that I never let them see her.

There's no reason why you should pay any attention to people who complain to you about things they could fix. If they moan, you can shrug and say "oh well, it's up to you," and refuse to engage further.

I suspect you hope you can persuade them to be more reasonable if only you could find the perfect way to express yourself. The problem is that there is no perfect form of words because it's more important to them to complain than to make any real effort to be grandparents. You can't get through to them because they actually don't care that much about being grandparents.

If they cared, they would meet you halfway. That's what reasonable people do. They're not reasonable people.

OP your in laws are a pair of bastards
They sound like useless grandparents
I wouldnt bother with them personally
Could you block their number?

I'm going against the thread here. It's actually important for kids to know their grandparents.

I realise these responses ^^ are very MN - the whole 'tough shit, their loss attitude - but then you risk your DD growing up not knowing her GPs, which is sad.

Me and my siblings grew up virtually without GP because of stupid shit like this and it's a real loss for the DC involved. Sometimes, you have to think about being the bigger person if your DD will lose out as a result.

The financial stuff seems unconnected and their business only.

Maybe you should both write to them and tell them about how you feel really let down by them when you needed them, and meet to discuss. Otherwise, the resentment on both sides will simmer forever.

My mil is lovely but won't go out of her way, we both work full time so therefore are limited on the running we can do so visits are fewer than she would like but that is her issue - there really is only so much you can do imo.

You could reply - since it is them initiating the conversation - that you are so busy with all the appointments that you never have time however if they are free they can arrange to come over or pick dd up. It isn't confrontational and leaves the ball in their court.

Name i have enough to do with appointments and working and DH working to faff about seeing them too. I'd be happy to compromise if they picked her up from here I'd go to them to get her or if they offered to drop her off back with me here after they'd seen her I'd happily drop her off - I can arrange for the carseat to be out of DHs car. I can even leave the pushchair and/or carseat at Nursery if they pick up from there (Nursery have storage for these and several other parents leave their pushchairs/carseats so they won't mind) so I'm not being awkward.

Why is it important for children to know their grandparents? Lots of children don’t have grandparents. 3 of mine died before I was born, the other one had dementia and thought I was a boy called Robert. My aunts and uncles lived miles away and we just saw them at Christmas. I didn’t feel any great loss - my parents were plenty enough family for me!

I’m really not sure why forcing your children to spend time with people who CBA to walk 20 minutes to see them is going to do them any good at all. It’s just another boring chore for DC if GP aren’t interested - it would be different if they wanted to see DC, but it is quite clear that they don’t but just enjoy playing the victim, And it sounds like OP has plenty of other things on her plate without looking for extra duties.

"All I want is for them to make the effort, I do all the running". SHE IS YOUR CHILD. for goodness sake. Why should they pick her up from nursery. Why should the give you financial help. Goodness me.

Well firstly why the hell are your DH’s parents texting you instead of him?

They sound selfish and stubborn. Let DH speak to them and firmly remind them of how little spare time you both have and if they want to see DD more often they need to help make it happen.

Does your dh not visit his parents. Surely when he does he can bring your little one along. I think you should forget them doing stuff for you or financially supporting ye. They need to do neither. Most would but theuy dont have to. But visiting grandparents is part of most peoples lives so do that. I think you are deliberately keeping dd away as mad over the money. Once dc grow they are not entitled to get money from parents.
My dps finished giving me money the day l graduated. They rarely visited my home except for organised get togethers. I vistwd them weekly with my dcs until they passed. Same with inlaws.

Of course DH visits his parents, but they never visit him either. He has to go to them on his birthday, on DDs birthday etc. He takes DD occasionally with him, but he's a pushover and he ends up walking their dogs or something and DD can't walk far and one of the dogs is scared of pushchairs so he can't DDs pushchair with him, he will leave them with PILs but she gets upset because she hardly knows them so it's a never ending circle.

I would forget the money, yes it would have been nice but ultimately they are u derby no obligation. You haven't disclosed why you were in difficulty but are obviously young from their ages so they may have felt that you needed to learn to stand on your own.

The seeing your dd well that is different. My fil used to complain that dd wouldn't go to him and would moan that he felt she didn't like him. I ended up pointing out that it wasn't that she didn't like him, just that she didn't know him as he never made an effort to play with her. It hit home and he is much better now!

My mum is very much of the opinion that I should always go to her, since being made redundant in April and struggling to find another job (woo hooo start new one this week) I have simply told her I can't afford the unnecessary fuel so she will need to come to us if she wanted to spend time with dd. Depending on her mood depends on whether she makes sense effort.

I think you need to politely have a conversation with them and explain that it isn't always possible to travel and that if they want to see dd more often then they need to make an effort and start making some compromises. So maybe suggest week 1 & 3 you take dd to them but weeks 2 & 4 they need to come to you or meet at a mutually convenient spot say a park so they can play with dd.

Be calm, offer a variety of options and when they still refuse and bitch point out that you have offered solutions, if they can find the time to make an effort then they have no right to be pissed off

They would not be seeing DD every week anyway, even my mum doesn't see her every week, she probably sees her twice a month more if she helps me with a Nursery run or she takes us to an appointment.

I'd be happy to compromise on twice a month like my mum sees her because if we get into "every other week" territory we risk upsetting my mum and then having to increase my commitment to her which I just don't have time for. I also like the occasional Saturday or Sunday in my own house letting DD play with her own toys rather than Nursery/Hospital waiting room toys which she has to share.

My MIL lives 5 min drive away but can never be arsed to come see my ds her loss.she sees him prob once a month or so if we go to her

namechange I see where you are coming from but I disagree with you deeply.

I'm in a similar situation to OP only my own DC is older. My PILs sound like the OP's. As a result I've seen my daughter cry over them nor turning up to her family birthday tea without warning, over them not coming over to ours to see her new bedroom or whatever, about her GPs declining their DD'd own impromptu invitations for tea or lunch without even giving a reason, the list is long. They live close, they are retired, they just can't be bothered.

That sends my daughter the message that she doesn't matter, that she is not important. I am not going to be the one to facilitate them making her feel like shit. To send the message that people can just walk all over her, now and later in life. You don't forget those things.

I feel sorry for DD having such shit GPs. But it is not her fault, or mine, that they are shit. It IS their loss. Telling them to get lost is not only what they deserve, it's damage limitation for their DD. We see them sporadically when convenient to us, and that's more than l'm inclined to do.

OP, I feel for you. But people like that don't change. Sorry your DD's grandparents are shut too. Limit contact and don't give them your scarce headspace.

Errr, why isn’t your H taking this up with them? They are his parents!

Get the feeling on MN that PIL and sometimes own parents just can't win on MN. PIL taking over and interfering; PIL not interested. Reall difficult as a PIL and mother to get the balance right.

OP I think you need to separate the two things, the relationship and the finances. Relationships need to be worked at by all, talk and compromise by all. No expectations.

Financially, again no expectations. Even less likely they are going to help you financially if you haven't a good relationship with them. I have made a stand with my own children because they need to learn to manage; bailing them out doesn't help, they need to be a grown up and be responsible.

LaLa So you'd see your disabled 2 year old grandchild on the street?

What happened was the council messed up our council tax and demanded the money back immediately no matter what we offered it wasn't good enough and we had bailiffs on the door demanding the money. It wasn't our fault, we'd set the Direct Debit up but the Council accidentally cancelled it when we queried it they told me that we didn't owe them anything and the Direct Debit would automatically be set up again in the next CT year. 4 months later they're on our doorstep demanding the money with no warning. PILs could of helped us, but chose not to.

Ignore. Let your DH facilitate visits with his parents.

If they truly wanted a relationship with their grandchild, they would have made an effort.

If they truly wanted to support their child and grandchild and they're in a position to do so, be it picking up DD once in a while, coming to see her, offering to have her for a few hours, they would do so

I wouldn't give them another thought, tbh. YOu have enough on your plate.

They sound like dickheads - I'm 53 (kids still in school so no babies) but if there were babies, id crawl over hot coals to see them and help out no matter how far away I lived.

sticky I'm sorry you've had such a crap time with your PIL. I absolutely understand your pov.

I usually qualify my comments a bit more as everyone is in such different circumstances, but that one was possibly a bit more from the gut and my own personal experience!

When I said I think DC should know their GP, I meant exactly that; to know them, not to be forced into an emotional relationship with them that is one-sided and negative. I never got the chance to make my own choice about them.

I just didn't know my GP, and I would like to have had the chance to form some kind of relationship with them, as flawed as they probably were. Some of my close family died when they were very young and I would have LOVED to talk to my GP about them.

I would preferred some kind of bond to have been maintained, so that I could have had a shot at having a relationship with them on some level. That's all, I suppose!

My in-laws are very similar. We had one of our DC in hospital once and asked them to help with other DC but they couldn’t (or wouldn’t!) as a friend was calling by for a cuppa. Also when we asked if they could lend us some money to fund IVF cycle, they replied “No” because not only would we feel bad if it failed but we would also feel guilty for wasting their money!