can't believe my own mother has just said this!

[willothewisp17]

I'll try not to go on too much here and only give a little back story. DD was born at 30+6 weeks and had an 8 week hospital stay before she got home. I coped well with her in the hospital for the most part (few dark moments) and when she finally came home I was so so happy. but I started to get obsessive over feeds, weight gain, every little sneeze and had a ton of anxiety symptoms that I would not see about because it felt so ridiculous to be unhappy after I had waited so long for her.

last couple of weeks it's came to a head and I made an appointment with my GP who prescribed me citalopram .

my mother has just informed me that I don't need to be on medication, a good slap and being told to calm down would work perfectly fine.

aibu to think that's an awful thing to say to me?

"Try and be a bit understanding."

Perhaps I should have put-not good enough atm as she is upsetting Op.

Why on earth did you tell her you'd even been to the GP?

Please don't feel you have to tell her anything about your appointments, whether content/timing/anything - I am a GP and more than happy to have a baby in for these consultations, you don't need childcare (toddlers do get a little more tricky, but we can generally work around a bit)

Feeding wise/records etc may ultimately feed the anxiety (which may be what she's getting at, if not elegantly), but don't be bullied into weaning until you're ready. No-one thinks you're still going to record every hobnob your child eats to the age of 18, and weaning is a good time to relax things a smidge.

However, the guidance to start solids is 6m for a reason and yes it has changed since our parents' day, but not everything changes for the worse. Could your HV or paediatrician if your DD still sees one give you any advice for "well meaning relatives"? They get asked all the time.

You poor love. Your mother clearly has no clue what having had a child in the NICU does to you. Isn’t PTSD in NICU parents a fairly well recognised thing now? I’m so glad your DH is on your team, and if I were you I’d protect myself by not telling my mother anything personal in future.

(Re the weaning thing, when my DD was born prem 3.5 years ago, I was told that we should start weaning at 6 months chronological age, rather than correcting - something to do with the gut flora. Has your HV said anything about this?)

Reading this and some comments by other mothers makes me wonder if they have forgotten when they had children or are they jealous????

Somethingnasty oh really? she will be 6 months actual on the 28th of this month! 4 months corrected on the 1st of december, my health visitor doesn't seem to know a lot about premature babies and is telling me to wean at six months corrected. my daughter is currently holding her own head up and can sit with some support! isn't too keen on milk at all, and has reflux, so solid food would be easier to keep down, but she isn't that bad that early weaning is a must x

knottybeams my GP phoned and offered me an appointment on the same day, and I phoned my mother to see if my father would be free to give me a lift, she said yes, but then got irate asking me what was wrong, despite me telling her it's fine, I'm just going for an appointment. she then proceeded to message my husband to ask him why I was going to see the GP! he never answered her, and has since told her that it wasn't his place to tell her, but I told her in the end because she was implying that things were getting out of control and that I couldn't cope with my DD, so I wanted to set her straight and let her know that my DD is perfectly safe and fine with me! x

I do think there is a generational thing here. My DM freely admits she struggles with MH issues. (1) because she has never experienced it and (2) in her day it just wasn’t talked about and there was a massive stigma attached to it. I remember a cousin having to go on ADs at 18 and my DM and Aunt being really concerned she would not get a job as it would be on her medical records.

My DM tries to be sensitive. I had terrible MH with my third pregnancy, but I know she found it difficult understand. She hasn’t had life easy and so i think even more so she just thinks, “well getting depressed isn’t going to help”, but to those of us in that situation we know it’s not hat easy.

Not an excuse what your Mum said to you OP, but I do think that the stigma attached to MH was even worse say 20/30 years ago.

I had post natal anxiety and got given citalopram which certainly took the edge off things but the main way I got better is through a course of cognitive behavioural therapy. Is there anyway you can access that? Try googling IAPT services in your area

she was supportive to begin with when was told about my GP appointment, but I don't think she expected me to be prescribed anything. she demanded to know if I told the GP anything different than I had already told her. I hadn't. I told the GP about the feeding obsession, the charts I keep, the guilt over her early birth, the stress of having her home on oxygen, the fact I can't go out and leave her with my husband/ mother without feeling physically sick with worry even though I know she's perfectly fine (my mother and my husband are the only ones I really trust to look after her at the moment), the fact that I wake during the night with a racing heart and nausea.

my mother knew all this, and I told all of this to the GP? is all this (and not to mention my high blood pressure that is now having to be medicated) not enough? I often feel my daughter would be so much better without me, as what good is a tense, tearful mother?

and also, a big thing here, my mother had awful post natal depression when she had me (although I don't think it was recognised). it was so bad that my grandmother took care of me for a few months.

I don't think she understands the difference between our situations, she was so depressed she couldn't even wash or brush her hair in the mornings. I am so anxious and pent up with worry that I can't function properly and make myself hysterical and physically ill.

it's just hard enough feeling this way without feeling I have to try and explain myself and justify things to my own mother I wish I could simply take a deep breath and act calmly, I am so tired of the dread in the pit of my stomach, tired of being anxious and tense whenever it comes to my daughters feeding times. I am tired of sobbing and pleading with my daughter to just take her bottle. I had an awful time in the hospital learning her how to suck feed aswell. It felt like she was never going to get the hang of it, and that combined with frantically trying to express breast milk for my daughter who was constantly taking a little more milk and not being able to keep up with the demands. feeding is quite traumatic, I am always worried she'll starve or dehydrate.

My mum was similar when I told her I was taking antidepressants after seeing the gp for feeling so depressed. She felt I should just sort myself out and get on with it. We all feel a bit down, its normal. It took her a long time to understand what I was going through and she totally understands now. It was really hard when she was like that, so I totally understand why you feel how you do.
I hope the meds help, and you start to feel a bit more yourself soon.

Just in terms of feeding I genuinely think that there is a weird assumption that bottle fed babies take 6oz every time you poke a bottle at them. The reality is SO different ime. Dd1 wasnt prem but was a truly arsey fussy feeder and it was so stressful, it made me feel like such a twat when she just refused and then I was out and the bottle wasted :(. How is your LO's weight gain - is it ok?

Oh gosh - your mum needs the slap not you! My DS was born at term healthy and I was so anxious so I can't even begin to imagine how you are feeling. You have done the right thing seeking support. Ignore your mother. Congratulations on your little baby x

Op my son was born at 40+8 and I recorded feeds and naps until he was around 6mo so don’t think you’re being totally weird. I think lots of new parents do this.
As for your Mum, she sounds toxic.
Well done for asking for help, you’re very brave and you’re being a great mum already by getting the help you need.

diddl
Yes completely agree with that. Certain mums get it spot on but then other times they're completely off mark!

Anxiety is awful, but it will pass and the rest of your life will not be like this, honestly. You have totally done the right thing seeking help, and I hope you will keep in touch with your GP for as long as you need to.

It sounds like your mum is making things worse, whereas you are doing everything you can. Be gentle on yourself

Your mum is behaving atrociously. It is currently mpletely ynderstandable that you would be anxious after having your DD so early - you have been in a state of high alert for so many months that it is difficult to wind back down, and you see danger everywhere.

DS was born at 36 weeks, but I’d been on inpatient bed rest for the previous six weeks, and I was terrified throughout the whole admission that I would go into labour and he would die. When we went home I had intrusive thoughts about passing lorries mounting the kerb and killing him, madmen rampaging and stabbing him, drowning in the bath, etc etc. I used to wake him up to check he was breathing all the time. Fortunately it faded as he got bigger and seemed to be a “normal” robust little boy, although I was in Westfield yesterday and had a premonition of me dropping him over the escalator railings (he was strapped into the pushchair, railings were shoulder height, no chance at all of that happening).

Well done for seeing your GP, and don’t worry because these fears will settle down as your baby gets older and stronger. I’d think about getting your Mum to back off a bit - while she’s infantilising you it’s going to be hard for you to feel confident that you can cope as a mother on your own.

How is DD now? Can you go to some baby groups so that you can get out of the house independently and feel a bit more like a “normal” Mum? DS loved his baby sensory class, and I met a lot of other mums that way. It was nice to have somebody to ask for advice who didn’t have a vested interest!

Be aware the citalaopram will make you feel much worse before it makes you feel better expect 2 to 4 difficult weeks. Up to you, but you may prefer to try meditation or CBT instead as SRRI's are tough to begin with.

None of us have any grit anymore, we are snowflakes and the older generation just need to get there stiff upper lips around that!!!!

May I just send you loads of love and hugs. I have had 4 kids and 4 miscarriages and between them and various other fairly major issues my PND from my first child was not noticed for just over 2 years. Now I've been off and on anti-depressants here and there, but my mother can't stand it when I'm on them. Over the years I've come to realise its because the doctor has listened to my worries/concerns/stress and decided that they're enough that I should have a little help. I wonder if its a drama thing. Could she be feeling that your drama might have outweighed hers? My mother certainly couldn't cope with the idea that I might be more stressed/under pressure than she. Equally it could also be that she simply can't admit to seeing her child in so much pain and angst. Thus she belittles you to save her own feelings. Mum's do behave atrociously - I know this as I've been on mumsnet from almost conception, but equally we still mentally need them (frustratingly). When my first was born she was the first to hold her having grabbed her off the midwife before she could be handed to my dh or me. To thwart her the second time around we asked her to babysit her first granddaughter during labour. When I phoned to announce she had a second granddaughter all she could hiss down the phone was how could I. How could I deny her the experience of being there as her second grandchild came into the world. We weren't speaking during the third grandchild's birth but by the 4th I'd realised that I didn't want our relationship, despite its downsides, to end with her dying. I was able to put in barriers (that need constant re-enforcing) and when the fourth was born she was outside in the parking lot asleep waiting to come in and see her. I really feel for you and hope you realise that loads of women have over bearing mothers - just make sure you don't become one yourself .

Somebody needs a slap but it isn't you.

I think you need, for your sake, to see that this is out of concern for you. She thinks she is saying what you need to hear. Those of us who are more enlightened know she is not, but I do think she comes from a good place.

I think if you focus on that, and how much help she gives you, it won't be so bad. x

You are doing brilliantly. And getting help is exactly right. It will get better. Obsessive anixiety is really tough and I would second those who recommend CBT. Helped me immensely.

My PFB was prem 22yrs ago & I think that the advice then was to wean at actual age and that corrected age stopped at a year old.

I'm not sure about "generational"-I could well be Op's mum's age & I thought this idea about giving yourself a good shake had gone years ago.

It's the sort of stuff I'd expect from my Dad (late 80's).

Honestly, I recognise so much of what you're saying. I kept charts of every feed, nappy change and pumping session until I quit pumping at 7 months (whixh I did obsessively, pumping every two hours as I couldn't produce enough), the guilt of them being separated from me for so long, the stress of tube feeding and not being able to latch them. I hadn't left them with anyone other than my husband until I had to put them in a crèche for a few hours last week (they're 13 months now). I haven't had a break at all since they came home and I'm having a really tough time. It's really good that you're getting help with this now, believe me x