can't believe my own mother has just said this!

[willothewisp17]

I'll try not to go on too much here and only give a little back story. DD was born at 30+6 weeks and had an 8 week hospital stay before she got home. I coped well with her in the hospital for the most part (few dark moments) and when she finally came home I was so so happy. but I started to get obsessive over feeds, weight gain, every little sneeze and had a ton of anxiety symptoms that I would not see about because it felt so ridiculous to be unhappy after I had waited so long for her.

last couple of weeks it's came to a head and I made an appointment with my GP who prescribed me citalopram .

my mother has just informed me that I don't need to be on medication, a good slap and being told to calm down would work perfectly fine.

aibu to think that's an awful thing to say to me?

Wow, she sounds helpful. I'm not surprised you have anxiety

Sadly, IME it wont get any better with time. DD is now 5 and I haven't spoken to my DM for about 4 months after her last "helpful" comments about my parenting

I'd really recommend getting a bit of distance from her, those sort of comments do fuck all for your mental health

I still keep a record of every feed, nappy and nap and my daughter is 6 months old!

Well done you for getting help. It must have been hard to do.

Fuck me, as if first time parenthood isn't hard enough without having the extra stress of a prem baby being unwell.

Good on you for going to the Dr's and seeking the help you need. That alone is a massive achievement.

And your Mom sounds like a twat. Ignore her. Give yourself a massive pat on the back, after all, every person on here is winging it as a parent, no one actually knows the secret!

Don't share stuff with her, OP, if this is the kind of response/reaction you get from her.

I'd also seriously consider the amount of contact she gets with your dc in future too, cos you know she will be the same with them.

Give her a slap then tell her to shut up... that should fix her.

That should fix your mother, not you.

My mum told me I didn't have time to be depressed when my son was a baby and he was so poorly

This ^ from.a woman I nursed through nervous breakdowns

🤔

Ignore, take your meds and enjoy your baby x

Cyclehire your post is so relevant, apparently I'm driving her up the wall and she is losing sleep over me. she helps me in so many ways regarding my daughter, visits me every day/helps with feeding/holds the baby so I can wash bottles, eat and shower. but all this is over written with her awful attitude about my mental health. I'm not running around screaming and shouting and stressing out, even if I'm just not smiling she's on my case.

'you're needing to stop and just calm down for gods sake'

well, I'd love if it were that easy, I hate feeling the way I do, if I could just breathe and carry on with things, my life would be so much easier and I wouldn't have to spend every minute worrying about small, unimportant things!

my mum doesn't understand that I actually know what I'm worrying about is ridiculous, my daughter couldn't be doing better, but it doesn't matter, I still worry constantly, even when is plain as day that she is fine!

You do what you have to do. It's your life and your family. And if it helps you to keep a record of 'obs' then do so.

Do you have a supportive partner or ILs?

I had Citalopram for two years after my second child and it was a godsend.

Took about 10 days or so to kick in but was amazing. Once you have started to feel less anxious as a result of the meds, you may be wise to limit your mums visits to something you can manage more easily.

You don't have to put up with others bringing you down

My Mum is a piece of work too, I was told that I wouldn’t be able to breastfeed on the anti-depressants that I was on. I was upset & talking to my Mum about it & she said - oh just come off the tablets, we’re all depressed when we’ve had a baby anyway! Way to go - v responsible advice!!!!

Headofthehive55 I don't know, I keep a weekly record, then when a new week begins I delete them all and begin again. I like to count up how many ounces she has taken in total at the end of the day. I like ensuring she has had plenty of wet nappies (I don't really need to mark this down at all, I change all her nappies, I know when they are wet).

I hope it improves and I don't feel I need to take a note once she's older and i don't end up taking a note of every spoonful of food she takes!

willo - it does sound similar to how I felt. I couldn’t get a grip on what was a proportionate response to reasonable concerns. Nothing reassured me. I was convinced something was seriously wrong and weekly weigh-ins didn’t reassure me. I thought that next time his weight gain would have slowed or gone backwards. My son wasn’t premature but he was born after a LOT of fertility treatment.

My mum was good for practical help too and so I felt ungrateful that I didn’t find her as helpful as o might have because of her comments.

My son is 2 now and I have a pretty laid back attitude to his health. You can get better. You won’t always feel like this. Take care xx

Nannyogg I have a very supportive partner, he has been encouraging me for ages to go to the GP and see about this.

he thinks my mum is being a piece of work and has things he would like to say them, but wouldn't, for my sake and for the sake of keeping the peace.

I think it's pretty normal to have a lot of anxiety over a new baby, especially when conception, pregnancy and/or birth have not gone smoothly.

I had a lot of miscarriages before conceiving DD and was utterly convinced she would die too. I had massive anxiety both before and after she was born, and used to check she was still breathing about 100 times a night up until she was about 2 years old. I was aware as the time that it was over the top, but I was also not that bothered because I felt it was a normal reaction to my previous experiences, and guessed that it would get better in time, which it did.

I'm sure my anxiety would have improved a lot sooner with the help of a kind and supportive DM, but sadly mine is a tactless old witch

That really is awful, OP, your DM really is toxic. I’m sorry, it’s not at all surprising that you have anxiety. It would help you to stop talking to her for a while until you’re in a better place, I think.

I have a difficult relationship with my DM and I found that when I was able to be more assertive with her the relationship dynamic changed, as she was no longer able to control me.

to you, OP.

apparently I'm driving her up the wall and she is losing sleep over me. she helps me in so many ways regarding my daughter, visits me every day/helps with feeding/holds the baby so I can wash bottles, eat and shower. but all this is over written with her awful attitude about my mental health

She's making it all about her imo, and undermining you in the process.

Do you really feel you need her help on a daily basis? If she's making you feel worse, having her round so much might just be counter-productive.

Cyclehire weekly weigh ins here too! to be honest, I don't think weekly weigh ins are doing me any good, my DD is at the stage now where weight gain is going to slow down a bit and it's not as important for her to gain every week, it's looked at as a whole now.

she didn't gain much at all last week (only half an ounce) which devastated me (she had only been weighed a week ago previous to this and had put on a huge amount of weight). health visitor sat down and shower me her chart and how it's been going up evenly, but is still coming out next week to weigh her again, because I wasn't convinced, health visitor made it very clear that she's only coming out for my sake rather than my DD, because she's not worried about her at all.

if she takes half an ounce less of milk that I anticipate I honestly feel like the world is falling in! I convince myself that this is the beginning of total bottle refusal, she will become dehydrated, will have to go back to tube feeding. then low and behold, she takes her next feed fine!

the feeding obsession without a doubt stems from being in the hospital, she more or less had to take the amount she was given in there or she wouldn't get home.

'you're needing to stop and just calm down for gods sake'
Ah yes, because telling someone to calm down always instils such feelings of peace & tranquillity in them
She's probably not trying to deliberately undermine you and make you feel like crap; it's just a natural talent that some mothers have. They think they're being helpful & supportive while failing to realise that they're actually being the bitch from hell. So don't take it personally, just smile, say "you're probably right" (with a tinkly laugh if you can manage one) and carry on doing your own thing.

Lakielady it was made all about her with DD was in the hospital, she became depressed because she couldn't touch DD (no one could apart from me and my husband) and because I was managing so well with her my mum felt I didn't need her anymore. I was bringing in flowers for my mum at night to make her feel better after spending all day looking at my baby through an incubator!

"Mum, I love you but STFU, this isn't your life!"

the thing is, she is an amazing mother is so many other ways. she is an amazing grandmother, she helps me with my daughters care all the time (holds her, amuses her, doesn't feed her as much anymore because I like to do that to ensure I can get her to take the right amount). if I needed anything, she'd be there. she cooks me food to put in my freezer because she knows I'm eating quick microwave meal crap.

it's just this! if it were physical, no problem at all, I'd have all the empathy (recovering from my c section enlisted loads of concern) but she thinks this is a quick fix and I should just because to calm down and stop!

My mother made me out to be the crazy one. My brother was allowed to call me “Psycho” and much worse and he continued to do so up to at least his 20’s. I’m 2yrs younger.

When I was 21, I finally hit rock bottom having had depression most of my life, I sought anti depressants and counselling. I continued to believe the picture of how they portrayed me for many years.

Turns out after now I’m in my mid 40’s and after a whole ton of therapy that my mother and my brother are highly narcissistic and I’m the family scapegoat. In fact, I’m not the mad one. It’s them!

Congratulations on your beautiful baby. I really would have a jolly good think about how much help you actually need from your mother. She sounds pretty toxic. Youve had your dd for 4 months now so I imagine you’re in some kind of routine.

Being around toxic people is crazy making. Your mother is being very intrusive and I’m not sure its healthy to be around someone like this quite so regularly.

Well done for getting the help you need. I hope the ads kick in soon and you start feeling your usual self.

I was a child and had no choice but to be around my mother and brother. I had no awareness I was depressed at about 3 and loathed myself by 4. But you do. You’re a grown woman with choices so please exercise them. For your baby and for you.

I think this is a generational thing. My mum told me I had nothing to be upset about when I told her I had pnd as I had a lovely baby, husband etc. which made me feel worse but she just didn't get it. She also was telling me that a young woman we know should have more self esteem cos she's very pretty.... oh and she victim blames rape victims..... maybe it's just that she can be an idiot at time.....

I saw a lovely facebook meme the other day, along the lines of "The brain is an organ like any other in your body, and can have problems like any other. If you can't make your own neurotransmitters then shop-bought are fine."