can't believe my own mother has just said this!

[willothewisp17]

I'll try not to go on too much here and only give a little back story. DD was born at 30+6 weeks and had an 8 week hospital stay before she got home. I coped well with her in the hospital for the most part (few dark moments) and when she finally came home I was so so happy. but I started to get obsessive over feeds, weight gain, every little sneeze and had a ton of anxiety symptoms that I would not see about because it felt so ridiculous to be unhappy after I had waited so long for her.

last couple of weeks it's came to a head and I made an appointment with my GP who prescribed me citalopram .

my mother has just informed me that I don't need to be on medication, a good slap and being told to calm down would work perfectly fine.

aibu to think that's an awful thing to say to me?

[BanyanTree]

OP, I took those tablets years ago when I got very distressed over having tests for a very serious illness. I thought my life was at an end in my 20's and I got very anxious. I took them for 3 months and then came off them really easy. At the time a lot of people close to me said inappropriate comments about taking AD's and didn't help my situation at all. I too felt very, very down after my DS was born. They told me he would have issues, turned out he didn't and he was fine but I obsessed over his health and every small cough and twitch. One of my friends said she thought I had PND.

Your mum sounds like a great help in other areas. Perhaps her reaction to your AD's is a generation thing as they didn't take them back in their day. Rather than stopping seeking to her, going NC or keeping her away from your DD you should sit her down and have a chat to her. Tell her that you you feel you have been through a lot and it is now catching up with you, that you really appreciate her help with your DD but right now she needs to keep her comments to herself as you personally really need her support right now.

If you were my DD I would be doing everything to make your life easy so you could get back to your old self and ease the pressure off you now.

[Dozer]

My parents were and remain weird about me having a longstanding MH issue (GAD): their behaviour (along the lines of your mum’s although not as bad in terms of what she said!) suggests it makes them uncomfortable, so I don’t discuss it with them. They both actually have (unaddressed) issues with anxiety themselves IMO!

They also helped with DC1, but with an obvious undercurrent of “you need us; you can’t cope” and interference (in your case it’s weaning, in mine it was pressure to stop bf). Had a time of reflection after DC1 and again after DC2 and with help from DH adjusted boundaries, eg fewer visits, sharing less information about the DC and myself, not justifying or discussing my decisions. This helped me.

[Timmytoo]

Don’t worry my mom said I must start knitting as it helps with anxiety!

[TammySwansonTwo]

She's a twat. My own mother passed away before my twins were born, if she'd been around and had spoken to me like that she'd be out on her arse and not seeing them any time soon.

One of my twins was in for 8 weeks too (then out for a week then back in til 12 weeks). It has massively affected me, massively. They're almost 14 months now and I still haven't gotten any help for it. You're absolutely doing the right thing getting help now.

In terms of weaning, listen to her doctors, not your mother. Six months is the recommendation these days but it's much more complicated with preemies. I think advice varies dramatically, but me and all the other preemie mums I know were told to start solids at 6 months actual age, not 6 months adjusted age, due to the fact that their gut starts to mature when they start to consume food, and their iron and zinc stores start to deplete six months from birth. Those who've had very early babies have had to do this very carefully and under medical guidance because they're not sitting yet etc. Mine were only 5 weeks early so it wasn't an issue. I seem to remember that the wonderful charity BLISS has some great information on weaning premature babies, there's a PDF of their leaflet online.

I'm really glad you're getting help. What we've been through is incredibly hard and it's natural to struggle. Hang in there

[Trafalgarxxx]

Your mum is suffering from a common misguided idea - that depression isn’t really a thing, that you just need get in with it and if we were liv8ng in the middle of the war, you wouldn’t be so complacent and sorry for yourself.

This ‘Be Strong’ attitude as well as ‘there isnt such a thing as depression. You just need to pull yourself together’ is pretty common and has been repeated ad nauseum in newspapers, discussions between friends (who know nothing about MH) etc...

In effect a bit like an urban myth. People are convinced they know even though what they think is completely wrong and has been proven to be wrong.

Depending on how yur mum is, some articles from serious people talking about depression and MH, a tal from the GP or so,e explanations from you might make her realise how wrong she is
(eg DH got the idea I was really ill with depression when it was explained to him that it was an imbalance in sérotonine that is the main reason for the depression. Because it wasn’t ‘just in your head’ anymore, he found it easier to accept the issue as well as the my limitations at the time).

If you can mange to make her understand, i suspect this would be so helpful for you. You would get all the help she is clearly committed to give to you wo feeling guilty about being unwell.
(I appreciate you shouldnt have to though and this is one more th8ng for you to do too.... :(:()

[namechangedtoday15]

OP I had twins at 27 weeks. I wrote down every nappy, wet / solid, how long they'd been on the breast, how long I thought they'd actually sucked for, at what feed they'd had their vitamins (by syringe) - for 6 months. Once the midwife from the unit had stopped coming to the house, I had them weighed every week for a year. Without fail.

So I absolutely know where you're coming from. For me, I felt so helpless and out of control whilst they were in SCBU, I think that was my answer for being back in control, managing it.

My mum made some similarly hurtful comments - like the only reason I was "obsessing" over breast feeding was so I could sit on my arse all day. Apparently if they'd been bottle fed (by her or my husband for example) I could have got on with housework instead of letting everyone else run around after me.

It's now years later - and i realise that she felt helpless too. She didn't know how to help, she wanted me to pretend everything was ok. Your mum sounds like my mum and the older generation just sweeping it all under the carpet, getting on with it on the pretence it will all be ok.

Good for you getting help. Do try to relax though, I get completely it's hard, but it did stop me enjoying their early days when I look back on it now. It's natural to worry but as you've said yourself, she's a star and doing fine

[Trafalgarxxx]

And YY about gett8ng as much he,o as you can from professionals.
I would also try and get some counselling (wouod a charity like BLISS have a scheme like that?) because I susoectvthat your depression/anxiety is a reaction to the very particular stress you have been under. And probably need a specific response to it.

[PeiPeiPing]

Fook me, what a nasty thing to say to someone suffering from low moods and depression.

YANBU. Hope you feel better soon.

[diddl]

Do you really need the help that your mother gives?

I'm just thonking that it sounds as if you could do with a break from her.

She might not be being as helpful as you think.

[Notonthestairs]

Oh god your post takes me back 8 years. We had awful troubles with feeding (we discovered that her throat wasn't fully formed), she lost weight, I had midwives all over me telling me where I was going wrong and I became obsessed and terrified. The weekly weigh in was a nightmare.

My mum practically wheeled me down to my GP to get anti depressants and it was the best thing for me. She also repeatedly told there was no shame in getting help when you need it.

Stick with the citalopram - the side effects should wear off soon and it will help - and things will get better

your mum on the other hand needs a telling (I'll do it if you can't ).

[Mamabear4180]

I had a reflux baby who would only take 2oz feeds (later diagnosed with cmpa and other allergies). I wrote down all feeds and nappies until around 9 months old. She's 16 months now and is a human dustbin! She doesn't go to macdonalds and if she did she'd have dairy free milk!

[bedtimepain]

Your mother is why You have anxiety with that attitude. Terrible thing to
Say. Hope it Gets better for you soon

[bridgetreilly]

To be honest, I wouldn't have told your mother about the medication in the first place. I'm on citalopram and the nausea is normal for the first couple of weeks, but I promise it does go away and for me, the medication just makes me feel normal again.

Ignore her. She doesn't need to know every detail of your life or your parenting. Limit your interactions with her as much as you can and control the topics of conversations to something safe.

[bridgetreilly]

I would simply thank your mother for everything she's done to help since you had your daughter, but say that you know you need to step up and take responsibility on your own now. You'll call her if you need specific help, e.g. if someone is ill, but you're all doing fine and you can manage without her being there all the time. Arrange a specific time when you'll next meet up, and then get on without her.

[RainbowsAndCrystals]

I doubt your mother had suddenly become like this and you know what she's like. So just don't share such personal things with her because sadly you're not going to get that support from her.

[Increasinglymiddleaged]

This ‘Be Strong’ attitude as well as ‘there isnt such a thing as depression. You just need to pull yourself together’ is pretty common and has been repeated ad nauseum in newspapers, discussions between friends (who know nothing about MH) etc...

The thing is that really strong people face up to their illness, accept it and get treatment. I think the 'be strong'/ I don't like taking pills stuff is actually a weak way to deal with illness.

[usernameinfinito]

That's a horrible thing to say to anybody, let alone to a mother of an early baby. I am sorry OP.

[Marriedwithchildren5]

There's a reason you are doing your own thing with your baby. Weaning is hard work you're spot on leaving it till you're ready and your baby is ready.

I'm always giving advice to new mums. Asked for or not. I can't help it and its probably not always appreciated. But I will never put someone else's ideas down. That's out of order.

You sound like a fabulous and very much in love mummy x

[ElephantsandTigers]

I wonder if it's a generation thing. My PIL are in their 70s and my fil asked my dh what I had to be depressed about. Pregnant, dc aged four and under two, only relative I had dying....

God help him if he knew I'm back on ADs due to his son having an affair

[PickAChew]

For all the physical help she gives, you'd probably cope a lot better and be far less anxious with her kept at arm's length.

[somethingDifferent38]

I've been on the receiving end of so much pressure to start weaning my daughter (she will be four months corrected on the 1st of December) and because I have refused to wean her I was told this

'DD will be that child sitting in McDonalds when she's five, all the other children will be having chicken nuggets and DD will be sitting drinking a bottle of aptamil'

You DM may mean well, but this clearly shows that she's out of touch and out of date. If you weaned as she's suggesting, you would be going against current advice - what people used to think was a good thing for babies has been shown for all kinds of things, to be mistaken, though they thought it best at the time. For example, when I was a baby ( a long time ago!), I had a little soft pillow, and was placed on my front every night, face on pillow, as it was thought best to avoid potential to choke on my vomit. Now that would be considered dangerous and wrong.

Try to see you DM as a slightly misguided elderly lady, who means well, but should be taken with a pinch of salt; I know its harder for comments about your own mental health, but you sound really sensible and as if you have things figured out, so have faith in your ability to know what is good for you and your baby .

[expatinscotland]

She's toxic.

[diddl]

"the thing is, she is an amazing mother is so many other ways. "

That's not good enough though is it?

She is brushing aside how you feel & making ridiculous remarks.

Have a break from her!

[Marriedwithchildren5]

"the thing is, she is an amazing mother is so many other ways. "

That's not good enough though is it?

It is. My mum is the same. She is however always at the end of the phone. So proud of my children. Always worried about us. She just doesn't understand certain things. Why I'm always out when there is housework to be done (I'm at toddler groups, swimming,playdates/coffee) Why people are depressed, why people put their children in nursaries. She was the eldest of 9 and had to help out. I'd never hold it against her but find certain things difficult to understand. It's a generation thing for some. Try and be a bit understanding.

[AshGirl]

DS was also in hospital for his first 8 weeks and we still record all feeds (but can’t be arsed recording wet nappies). We are still under the dietician and so she wants to know how much he is taking.

I also know the feeling of overwhelming anxiety when the volumes drop below a certain level. All that has helped for us is time; DS has put on weight and become more robust and we don’t have to take him to hospital every time he gets a cold any more. The ADs will help you, but I think it will also help you to look back and see how far your DD has come. Good luck! It is very tough