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Original poster

To have DS there when I tell the leader?

35 replies

changeymcchangey · 10/11/2017 21:06

My DS13 has been in a club for the last 3/4 years, and tonight’s the night. After managing to persuade him to keep it up for the last year plus, he is leaving.

I will tell the leaders tonight when I collect him. I’ve told him I want him to take part in a service on a Sunday, but that’s it done.

He is feeling awkward that I want him to be there when I tell the leaders, and he is to thank them for their time. He asked me to make an excuse about another activity he does, but I said no, he needs to just be honest. Honest is that he just doesn’t enjoy it, and I get that he will feel that’s not a nice thing to say.

Am I being unfair? I am hoping he might change his mind after a few weeks away, but for now, he’s had enough.

OP posts:
GenevaJoey · 10/11/2017 21:10

When I gave up girl guides when I was about the same age, my parents made me tell the guide leaders myself on my own. I found it stressful and embarrassing but it was important to do it myself. I think they were right to make me.

FlaviaAlbia · 10/11/2017 21:11

Seriously? He's hardly going to go back if you've told the leaders he doesn't enjoy it. Have you actually thought this through?

Go with his idea.

BringOnTheScience · 10/11/2017 21:11

Scouts / Cadets? Guessing from the reference to Sunday service.

Be honest! Leaders have heard all reasons before. Chn grow older and can outgrow the activities. Sometimes a Leader can forget that they have older members if there's been an intake of new ones, so a reminder can be useful.

And your DS should most definitely say a proper Thank You!

Gorgeous73 · 10/11/2017 21:12

You're not being unfair. It's a good idea for him to take responsibility for his decisions and not shy away from it, and to learn that it's actually not hard to do. He'll feel more grown up after that.

Gorgeous73 · 10/11/2017 21:13

If he changes his mind after a few weeks, he can again go in there with you and explain why. It's all part of growing up. It's not a bad thing.

Kochicoo · 10/11/2017 21:14

I understand you want him to be honest but if the club leaders have been nice to him, could he not just be nice back and use the other activity excuse? Would it really matter if the outcome is that everyone feels better?

Dixiechickonhols · 10/11/2017 21:16

He should say goodbye and thank you. A small gift eg box of chocs would be appropriate if it is a volunteer run thing and would make it easier - hand chocs over say thank you for everything. I wouldn't say doesn't enjoy, leave door open just in case. it's quite normal to outgrow things and with limited free time especially as schoolwork increases choose to spend it in other ways.

Catalufa · 10/11/2017 21:16

Fine to make him say thank you, but not to say that he doesn’t enjoy it. Surely that’s just awkward for everyone? The poor leaders.

DontMakeMeShushYou · 10/11/2017 21:17

It's a good idea to get him to say it himself. I certainly don't think badly of my Brownies for leaving, especially if they tell me themselves. That's life. Children grow and their interests change. We'd probably be doing something wrong if they didn't.

Booboobooboo84 · 10/11/2017 21:18

How about he just says it’s time for him to move on and do other things. It’s not a lie but also means he doesn’t insult them

Original poster
changeymcchangey · 10/11/2017 21:18

Sorry, “doesn’t enjoy it” is a bit much. I wouldn’t have said that exactly, but would have maybe said he just felt like taking some time out. They’d have got the drift though, I think. That’s what I meant really.

OP posts:
OhPoop · 10/11/2017 21:19

I’m intrigued to know what club this is- what time is he picked up as you posted at 9.15pm? I used to do swim training until 9.15pm on a Friday evening....

OhPoop · 10/11/2017 21:21

Sorry OP, I do agree with you though. But, you can’t make a child of that age do something they don’t want to do. If he misses it he will go back. Frustrating if it’s something that have a talent for!

Parker231 · 10/11/2017 21:23

Why are you telling them he is leaving? Why isn’t your DS telling them himself. If he’s old enough to decide to leave the activity, he’s old enough to let the leaders know.

AuntyElle · 10/11/2017 21:24

You so sound rather heavy about this. He's stuck with it for years, that's pretty good going, and now wants to move on. Fair enough.
And it's actually not very nice to tell the leaders that he doesn't enjoy it, or similar. As a PP said, how could he go back after that? It hardly keeps his options open.

AuntyElle · 10/11/2017 21:26

And yes, at 13 he could just tell them himself in his own way, if he is comfortable with that.

ShoesHaveSouls · 10/11/2017 21:28

I'm all for teaching children responsibility - but in this case I would make an excuse, or allow him to. To just make him say he doesn't enjoy it anymore, or whatever, is hurtful to the organisers.

Original poster
changeymcchangey · 10/11/2017 21:30

Never mind. He’s txted me to say he’s changed his mind.

Give me strength ConfusedGrin

Thanks anyway!

OP posts:
RB68 · 10/11/2017 21:30

All you need to say is that its not for him just now, say thank you and offer gift if appropriate

SomewhatIdiosyncratic · 10/11/2017 21:32

It's normal for teenagers to go off organised activities like that.

What bugs me as a leader in a similar organisation, is when children just disappear without any warning and you end up wasting their space for a month before concluding that they must have left, particularly as we nearly always have a waiting list.

The reason doesn't really matter, but a thank you is always appreciated.

FlaviaAlbia · 10/11/2017 21:33

Ah, taking time out is much more diplomatic!

Straycatblue · 10/11/2017 21:41

Never mind. He’s txted me to say he’s changed his mind

Maybe its because he now feels too uncomfortable being made to tell them hes not enjoying it.

It seems rather harsh for you to make him do that to be honest, it would just be awkward all round.
Yes he should definitely thank them for all their time and make them aware that hes not coming back but you are making it into a bit of a drama for everyone.
Its normal for kids that age to not want to do activities they have been involved in for years, its part of growing up.

It reads like you dont want him to give up and are making it difficult for him to be honest with you.

glitterlips1 · 10/11/2017 21:43

I quite like the idea. I am sick of my children starting clubs and then suddenly deciding they don't want to do them anymore after I have invested my time and money! Might make them think twice about it all.

scottishdiem · 10/11/2017 22:01

Oh. God. Imagine be marched up to someone to tell them how much you dont like the activity that you are doing with them. Its one thing to ask if he is sure and tease it out but its another to put them in a position that they wont leave because they dont want to leave in the way their parent wants them. I mean really. Do you force your child to do and account for everything and force them to confront everyone that they no longer want to do things with.

speakout · 10/11/2017 22:04

I'd never force a child to do this,

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