To tell my friend sorry I'm too busy

[Pinkpowerofthought]

My friend is an hour's plane journey from me or eight hours by car. I usually see her once a year. We keep in touch via Facebook.
She doesn't have any children and regularly travels to places at the spur of the moment. She has just told me she is visiting and asked my plans this weekend.

I'm having a really busy time of it just now. Just moved house and in the middle of renovating and decorating before new boiler and central heating getting fitted on Monday. I have hardly saw dp because of work or rushing around doing jobs in the house. I work full time and i have a dd. I am off on Sunday but I need to sort the house at any spare moment and was looking forward to a lie in.
I get really pissed off because every time she visits this way it's always last minute and she expects me to just not have anything on and be care free and live life as it comes.
I don't think she understands how busy it is having a family and a house to run. She's a bit of a traveller, works cash in hand and has as much time off as she wants and she's single and lives alone so she just fends for herself.
I feel bad cause she's came all this way but it's a really bad time just now and i always think if you are visiting you should arrange a convienent time so you can both make the most of it.
I should add she's staying in a hotel near by.

Friends don’t care if your house is in turmoil.
Of course you should have her over for a bit.
She can much in.

Friendship trumps domestic upheaval every time

Are you near Inverness ?
Send her over to me, she sounds like good fun

DH has friend who is in China when he comes over we get given no notice (he books the tickets months in advance) but since we've been married he's given me his email sheet of plans for visiting everyone and suggests a few days for visiting us because my vagina makes planning things so much more easier! This year I ignored it and he rang DH slightly panicked that I hadn't got back to him with some dates. I enjoy meeting him with him for a day or two but FGS I do not manage me DH and it's not my friendship.

@Namasteniki

Quite. If you cant ask a friend to meet on the spur of the moment without getting resentment, you arent friends.

Most friends dont need to book 6 months in advance to see each other.

Ah ... sounds like you are an annoying popper-inner that people like me loathe and dread. The 'I don't expect you have fuckall to do, so you can meet me in an hour' brigade!

No-one said anything about needing 6 months notice to meet. Stop making shit up. I personally said about a week's notice would suffice to arrange to have a coffee and a chat together!

Some of us do have a life and a career dearie .... Rocking up at my house with a few hours notice (or even a few minutes,) expecting me to drop every fucking thing I'm doing to accommodate you is not going to go down well with me.

A real 'friend' wouldn't do this. Real 'friends' are considerate of one another. It's OK to just drop in on people in a world where you have no commitments, no career, and not much to do; but for those of us with a busy life, it is NOT OK.

Thank fuck my friends are on the same page as me, and live in a world where you are considerate; and not an 'entitled' and thoughtless narcissistic who is all 'me me me' like a few people on this thread.

Invite her over & give her a paint brush, she can muck in & help, it will be fun, you get to spend time together, finish faster & you can break open the gin & get a takeaway at the end. If she’s a good friend, she really won’t mind.

This is what I will be doing with an old friend in a similar situation in a couple weeks & it’s exactly what just happened when another mutual friend visited last weekend

I'd love if a friend asked me if she could call around. I'd jump at seeing her. You are really very lucky to have someone who wants to visit you. And even luckier that you have so many friends, you can decide whether or not you will see them.

Unless you are going away for the weekend, it would be rude to say you can't spare a couple of hours for somebody you see once a year, who is in your neck of the woods.

Some of us do have a life and a career dearie .... Rocking up at my house with a few hours notice (or even a few minutes,) expecting me to drop every fucking thing I'm doing to accommodate you is not going to go down well with me.

No need to be condescending "dearie", you're not the only person who has a life and a career ... but some of us also have room for friends who don't need to be scheduled into an appointment slot.

Nobody is asking anyone to drop anything at a second's notice. But equally it is not unreasonable for someone to pop round on the off chance you're in/free ... if you're not then "Sorry, now's not a good time" is a perfectly reasonable response or you could just not answer the door. If your friends take offence at that then they're not really friends, but most "popper inner" people are more than willing to take "I'm busy, I'll let you know when I'm free" as an answer as they are aware that they are turning up with no notice and are willing to take the risk that their visit is not convenient.

HOWEVER in the OP's case her friend has literally just said "I'm coming to town this weekend, let me know if you're free". How is it unreasonable for the friend to put the information out there for the OP to use as she wishes (to either organise something or not)?

OP do what you want to do.

Read back YOUR posts only. You are tired. exhausted and it is not the right time for you. You dont have to explain yourself - or respond and act like any random anonymous person on here.

Just be yourself - tell her asap that you are not available this time - (you might have already have committed to a party/holiday etc just because you have committed to DIY or rest - that is still valid) - you will feel loads better once you have done it and relieved yourself of the burden.

I have learnt (later in life) to listen to my gut - if I dont want to do something - then act on it and respond with a "No" immediately - it is incredibly liberating - as I dont churn and procrastinate until it is too late to decline and then end up going resentfully - which means that some event has consumed me negatively for weeks/months. I did this earlier this year when I received an invite to a fancy dress party that would feel like putting pins in my eyeballs - said No immediately - and did it also today when invited to a dress up in for a themed NYE party. Taken me many decades to decide that I need to do what I want - it feels good.

Ah ... sounds like you are an annoying popper-inner that people like me loathe and dread. The 'I don't expect you have fuckall to do, so you can meet me in an hour' brigade!

I tend to ask friends a few days in advance as has the ops friend. If they are free great, if not fine. No expectation in asking.

Why the hostility towards me?

You and the op sound like the most terribly dull women, house bound, tied to a kitchen sink, hand wringing over leaving their dh and dc for 2 minutes and scathing of single women and their alleged decadent and lazy lifestyles.

Only in the UK or only on MN.

Old friend is visiting her niece. Contacts op to see if she is free on the off chance for a catch up. The way the friend couched it was no pressure: I am staying with niece and i am not expecting anything from you.

A simple yes or no would suffice.

And yet a raging and scathing first post which is really quite nasty and critical and a whole load of abuse against people who ask a friend if they may be free and calling them narcissistic.

Jesus what the hell is wrong with all of you?

Pull your heads out of your arses. You're not that important nor is anyone demanding your time.

It is like the posts over wedding invitations and people losing their shit over the inconvenience.....just say no. No one cares.

Is it just me or does anybody else find this quite sad?
Are we really SO busy with life - painting, sorting the house, having a lie in.....etc that our friends and important people in our lives come secondry to ' stuff' .
Yes, it's a bit off of her not to give you much notice but she has only asked what you are doing FFS.
Are you not planning in eating at all over the weekend?
Couldn't you ask her to swing by at 7 tomorrow and you will get a takeaway for you all but if she wants to stay after nine she needs to bring wine and be prepared to paint for an hour?
It just makes me think of all of the lonely people who would love a friend to pop in with no notice to see them. Especially one who has flown for an hour!
I think it's a sad reflection of today's life that paint is more important than people.
Memories , love and people are what make our lives worthwhile. A bloody boiler or wall won't be crying for you next week if you get run over.
See your friend. Life too short not to.

I have a feeling that a lot of people who are saying you'll feel better for meeting her are extroverts. And it makes perfect sense because extroverts get re energised by interacting with others. Introverts find it draining however and the OP sounds exhausted to begin with.

I might tell her come over, but outline the conditions. Since you have tradespeople in anyway it's not like you're resting and just make it clear you can't and won't be hosting as such.

Or just say no this once and offer to have her over when the house is sorted. If she's a friend she'll understand.

Really failing to understand how asking if you're free at short notice is in any way narcissistic or selfish or inconsiderate. I probably wouldn't turn up at someone's house unannounced but I would send a text saying hi, I'm in the area, are you around for a quick coffee? No worries if not! There's absolutely no expectation there, it's a simple question! People also ask me to do things at short notice if they're nearby, if I'm not free I'll just say so! Really don't understand how any offence can be taken. And me and these friends all have lives and careers too

I've told her i will try and see her on Sunday night. Explained to her that if she had given me a date when she knew she was coming up I could have arranged something proper and actually had time to see her. Explained my situation with the house and having to work as well.
I'm not going to put any pressure on myself. I'm struggling with the physical nature of my job as it is, then throw renovating into the mix.
I think i would be annoyed with dp if he went off out to the pub and left me with all the shit to do before the big day on Monday. And it won't be for just an hour it will be getting ready and travel and chatting and getting carried away....then I will be behind on everything.
If she had asked me in advance what I had on then we could have arranged a different time when the house was ready and I had all the time in the evenings to enjoy her company and a good catch up.
I wasn't having a go about her lifestyle it is relevant. Cash in hand job she can take time off from at short notice, I can't do that I have to book my holidays a year in advance. She doesn't need to arrange childcare or worry about school runs. She just does what she likes and but annoyingly doesn't think about me or what I have to put in place to make arrangements. If she loved down the road it would be easier.

She is going down the lifestyle route as a traveller and that's great if she wants that but when people say do you think she lives in a field or do you think she's some kind of hippy....actually yes. She doesn't have a house to run. She lives in a camper van.

Narcissistic, to ask an old friend if they happen to be free this weekend? Needing a week of notice to meet up for a coffee? And anyone disagreeing clearly has neither life nor career?! Wow. That was quite jaw-dropping to read, actually. Peipeiing, I tend to imagine people who can be so downright nasty, condescending and contemptuous on such an innocuous subject probably don't have to worry too much about an excess of friends wanting to meet up.

Op I do get your point that life can be overwhelming. I think though that on reflection, your reaction to this is telling you is more about the friendship than about how busy you are. There are friends who you want to drop everything for, and others that you don't. If she is the latter, then that's fine. There are old friends who I would wade through 8-foot deep snow in pyjamas to see at short notice. Others, I'd be staying curled up by the fire

OP you have a lot on your plate and anyone would be overwhelmed with all you’ve got to deal with currently.

Under normal circumstances (ie no renovations, just normal life stuff of work and DC) I’d say you should find a couple of hours to see a good friend. Under your current situation I think you need to be kind to yourself and make sure you don’t burn out - this additional stress is avoidable, the right thing to do is look after yourself and not add to the load.

I hope the renovations go well and your house is looking lovely (and heated!) soon

I have two friends who live abroad and are prone to this. Normally, I'll have a private harrumph, then get over myself. I've never regretted seeing them. I don't think I'm an extrovert either.

A nice dinner out or something with an old friend sounds like the sort of break the OP needs tbqh.

OP you are still bitching about her lifestyle, which is nothing to you, and telling her off before she's even arrived that this needed better organizing- but why? She was coming to see her niece anyway so why should she wait til the magical day you are free? She asked- you could have said no- now you have said yes but want her to be sorry she asked or bothered with you!

I can only imagine you are just super-stressed, and this is making you not be able to see the bigger picture. If that's the case, be honest with your good friend and say 'I'm not good company right now as I'm so stressed, but please please do come another time'.

I do think it's rather ironic you are condemning her lifestyle, but you are the one who is stressed and doesn't have time for friends and feels put upon- she made her choice, van and more free time, you need to come to terms with your own (house/renovations/decorating and less time).

"She just does what she likes and but annoyingly doesn't think about me or what I have to put in place to make arrangements."

I must admit this is a peculiar way of thinking. She did think of you - she asked if you were free to meet up when she was here for another reason! If she was staying at your house, then she should consider what is convenient. But she isn't - this time, it isn't mainly about you. It sounds enormously self-centred to think that every time someone thinks about even ASKING to meet up with you, that they should consider their movements months in advance in order to fit in with your impossible schedule. Other people also have their own commitments and lives and friends to fit in with, even if they live in a van .

But as I said before, this is more about her not really being a good friend of yours - because a good friend wouldn't have the undertone of condemnation about her lifestyle that you display here.

You might not see the irony, OP, but I bet you have spent more time thinking/worrying/seething and posting about this than it would take to make a cuppa and catch up with your friend.

She just does what she likes and but annoyingly doesn't think about me or what I have to put in place to make arrangements.

OP this is the wrong way of thinking, at least for this trip. In the nicest way possible - not everything is about you.

You are acting like your friend has made arrangements to come to town just to see you without actually consulting you and so was putting unreasonable demands on your time that you feel pressured to accept because the plan was in motion. This could not be further from the truth - it sounds like she is seeing visiting you as a "bonus" to her "main" trip to see her niece and you have given no indication that she would have any issue if you said "Sorry, this weekend is too crazy/busy to meet up, but definitely let me know next time you're in town."

Your friend is coming to town to see her niece. She knows you don't get to see each other very often due to the distance and it doesn't sound like you often make time to visit her . She knows that she won't be spending the entire weekend with her niece so will have time to see you if you aren't busy so has sent a message that basically asked if you were free over the weekend.

She could have just come to see her niece and not mentioned that she was visiting n case she imposed on you, but she clearly wants to see you as she has made the effort to let you know she's going to be in town. All she has done is give you the information that she will be in town and left it up to you to decide if she is worth the effort of making any kind of time for.

As she’s visiting her niece, you shouldn’t feel under any pressure to see her, and I doubt she wants that at all. Actually, a lot of people get miffed if a friend comes to town and doesn’t even mention it to them. So of course she’s told you, and asked if you’d like to see her. It would have been rude not to.

I get that you’re feeling stressed. I think your friend will understand if you’re too busy on this occasion, but it would be a shame not to see a good friend, wouldn’t it?

You are overanalysing this.
See her if you want to and it's convenient. If not, don't. It's that simple.
She's done nothing wrong here at all.

OP, having seen your father replies. I think you would be doing your friend a big favour by saying no, & never bothering with her again. It’s very clear from your constant bitching & clear disapproval of her life style (to the point you come across as jealous) that you really are not a friend to her at all.

Further 🙄