To tell my friend sorry I'm too busy

[Pinkpowerofthought]

My friend is an hour's plane journey from me or eight hours by car. I usually see her once a year. We keep in touch via Facebook.
She doesn't have any children and regularly travels to places at the spur of the moment. She has just told me she is visiting and asked my plans this weekend.

I'm having a really busy time of it just now. Just moved house and in the middle of renovating and decorating before new boiler and central heating getting fitted on Monday. I have hardly saw dp because of work or rushing around doing jobs in the house. I work full time and i have a dd. I am off on Sunday but I need to sort the house at any spare moment and was looking forward to a lie in.
I get really pissed off because every time she visits this way it's always last minute and she expects me to just not have anything on and be care free and live life as it comes.
I don't think she understands how busy it is having a family and a house to run. She's a bit of a traveller, works cash in hand and has as much time off as she wants and she's single and lives alone so she just fends for herself.
I feel bad cause she's came all this way but it's a really bad time just now and i always think if you are visiting you should arrange a convienent time so you can both make the most of it.
I should add she's staying in a hotel near by.

Bully for you 😂 what a ridiculously knobish uppity comment.

Yes I too have renovated a new house too. You still need to eat don't you so what is the issue with eating with said friend. With one child to take I'm sure that would be very manageable.

I just made 39 minutes time for a phone chat with my very similar friend and I feel better for making the time for her

I would totally tell her it's not convenient this weekend. You sound pretty exhausted and looking after yourself is important. I can't imagine any real friends expecting me to rearrange a busy weekend around them at the drop off a hat. If she's desperate to see you, she should have checked your availability before booking a flight.

It's interesting that so many people think that it would be easy and relaxing to "just" have a meal together. For someone that is introverted and already exhausted, a meal with a friend can be very draining. Even if they are a lovely person.

Mumof56 my comment "I don't get any time to myself" and when I do all I want to do is sleep that's why I said a lie in on Sunday morning. And I didn't say anything about lieing in 'late either. Just not my usual 5.45 start!

What if you'd decided at the last minute to visit your friend this weekend? Would she cancel important plans she had, to see you?

Getting stuff done in the house and dealing with tradespeople is work, that you are having to do when not at your actual work. And you need that lie-in on Sunday.

If you've got cleaning or painting or such to do, ask her to help.

Otherwise, give your apologies as you can't do everything at once, with no notice.

Achickencalledkorma I think you are the only one to have understood about the introvert thing. I struggle when I have loads on. I have literally one day off to do everything that needs doing in the house plus the usual grocery shop and sorting out work and school stuff for the next day.
My parents have been cooking dinners for us at the weekend so we don't need to wash up amongst the chaos.
She is actually visiting her neice as well so won't be totally alone or anything.

What's causing all the highly-strung replies? She's only asked what the OP's plans are for the weekend - seems a bit OTT to call it "highly inconsiderate" and "disrespectful", as least until the OP dripfeeds that she goes beserk if she's told "no".

badlad Exactly. She hasn’t exactly stamped her feet and asked her friend to drop everything. I’d love it if any of my far away friends said they’d be here at the weekend.

Always make time fir people you care about. So what if it's last minute? You sound as if you don't really want her in your life, but be careful what you wish for.
No one on their death bed ever thinks I wish I'd painted the hall....

this site would be boring almighty if there was no stamping of feet.

It is necessary!

Personally I'd rather see a good friend than do house jobs. It depends how urgent house jobs are. For me it wouldn't be an effort seeing an old friend - it would give me energy and give me perspective on my busy life. But we all have friend we'd drop everything for ... and those we wouldn't.

I don't think either person has done anything wrong here. The friend is coming to see someone else, and is asking can I pop in? The OP is tired, stressed and against deadlines to get the house finished. I'd say yes, for an hour but I might be sorting things out whilst you are here/are you ok to come into the chaos? Warn her what it will be like, I wouldn't take 2 or 3 hours off to be with her as that's just not possible this weekend.

YANBU of course but I think it would do you good to see your friend. Housework etc isn't more important than human relationships.

Do whatever you feel comfortable with, seriously.🌸

@pinkpowerofthought

YANBU. I hate 'poppers in' and people who think you should drop anything and everything you have planned, to accommodate them. It's selfish and narcissistic. No, it's not all about you.

Some people I know think they can just pop in at 2 minutes notice - (like they just text us and say they will be there soon, or even worse, they just turn up!) They must think me and DH are just sitting there waiting for them to call us and grace us with their presence. Fucks me right off it does. I mean, what if we were shagging, or on our way out, or are ill, or have other people round, or are about to have a cozy afternoon watching a film coz we hadn't seen each other much for a week?!

I would be contacting the friend if I were you and saying you cannot make it. She sounds a bit entitled to me. I don't care how long she has been a friend, or how far away she lives; a decent friend would not be asking someone to meet up, and drop everything to see her, at 24 hours notice. It's all very well people saying 'just meet her for an hour,' but it won't be an hour will it? You need to get ready, (get dressed/put make up on etc,) then there is the travelling time, and parking and getting to the place you're meeting, then she will keep you longer for an hour... Then you need to get back. The whole process could take at LEAST 4-5 hours. Including getting ready and getting there and back.

Even if you arrange to meet at 11.30am for an 'hour,' you will need to start getting ready at 9.30-10am, and you need to allow time to get there and park up etc etc, then you won't get back til 2pm probably. So the whole day is affected really.

I know someone who lives 20 minutes walk away from me, and she has texted before and said 'me and hubby are coming for a walk around in a minute; we thought we'd pop in and see you and your hubby.' Yeah coz we are just sitting here waiting for people to 'pop in,' and we have fuckall else to do.

When I text back and say 'no, not right now, coz we are busy/on our way out etc, maybe another time...' she never responds. She can't bear to be told 'no' so goes into a sulk and refuses to respond. Any normal person would text back and say 'ok, never mind, maybe another time,' not just ignore the person they had messaged!

Makes me wonder how people manage to keep friends when they do this. My normal friends, arrange something a week or two in advance with me. And we meet at the pub or a cafe. We don't invade each other's homes at 5 minutes notice, and expect each other to drop anything we're doing, and entertain us for 3 or 4 hours.

Horrible, narcissistic, entitled behaviour.

Do you often cancel/rearrange last minute? I have one friend (and all my in laws) who does so i tend to do as your friend is simply because if they’re free when we are great but if they’re not I don’t feel annoyed at wasting time making plans.

I'm going to have to have to assume that all the people calling the OP a mean, bad friend for not dropping all her carefully laid weekend plans are also the kind of people who announce to their friends on Friday night that they're in town and want to get together...?

OP it sounds to me like you've got plenty on your plate without trying to squeeze in someone who can't be bothered to give you any advance warning. Maybe if you say no this time she'll be better organised next time.

I think YABU

Your friend has said "Hey, I'm in the area, let me know if you're free" she hasn't demanded your time, or insisted on you doing anything, she just wanted you to know she was around and if it was convenient she'd like to see you. All you have to say is "If you don't mind a coffee in the middle of a building site feel free to drop round, otherwise I'll have to see you next time you're in town as it's just too busy this week."

I've done it myself - when I lived abroad I would fly in and out of Manchester. I have friends there so whenever I had a flight I would let them know - if they were free, great we could go for dinner/drinks/coffee/a mooch round the shops. If they were busy, no worries I'd just get the train straight to/from the airport. There was no obligation for them to meet me and I totally understood if they were too busy/didn't have enough notice to do something but since I was in town, I wanted to give them the option.

I would hate for them to have seen I had been in the city and thought I was avoiding them/didn't want to see them because I hadn't mentioned I was going to be there, especially considering I saw them so infrequently and it wasn't like I could just pop over and see them the following week, it might be months before I came back again. How would you have felt if your friend visited town and said nothing and made no attempt to get together?

@melj1213
I agree completely, I do it all the time.
I’m going to be in your area tomorrow are you free? Don’t see what’s so bad, if they are they are and if they’re not they’re not. Really don’t get what’s worth getting so upset about.
OPs friend has obviously arranged to see her niece and thought she’d see if OP was about as she’s there. Two birds, one stone and all that.

I’m going to be in your area tomorrow are you free? Don’t see what’s so bad, if they are they are and if they’re not they’re not. Really don’t get what’s worth getting so upset about

This seems fine to me too, but having read the post a few before yours, I wonder if there are millions of people up and down the country who actually have no idea that their "friends" are calling them selfish, horrible, entitled and narcissistic for daring to ask.

don't think she understands how busy it is having a family and a house to run

How precious - presumably she lives in a field?

YOu sound extremely scathing and resentful of her and her lifestyle.

Id save her the bother not the other way round. Doesnt sound like you are much of a friend.

This seems fine to me too, but having read the post a few before yours, I wonder if there are millions of people up and down the country who actually have no idea that their "friends" are calling them selfish, horrible, entitled and narcissistic for daring to ask.

Quite. If you cant ask a friend to meet on the spur of the moment without getting resentment, you arent friends.

Most friends dont need to book 6 months in advance to see each other.

I can't really invite her over. There is no heating or hot water and the kitchen is in the middle of being decorated as is the living rooms and bedrooms.

If she's a good friend she won't give a damn! She might even come and help?! Honestly, I'm the world's biggest introvert, but in your situation I would absolutely bend over backwards to meet up for an hour or so. She's hardly asking you to cook a 5 course dinner and entertain her for the whole weekend, she just wants a chance for a quick catch up, as she lives so far away and sees you so rarely - as, if you are a good friend, should you...