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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell my friend sorry I'm too busy

125 replies

Pinkpowerofthought · 10/11/2017 18:04

My friend is an hour's plane journey from me or eight hours by car. I usually see her once a year. We keep in touch via Facebook.
She doesn't have any children and regularly travels to places at the spur of the moment. She has just told me she is visiting and asked my plans this weekend.

I'm having a really busy time of it just now. Just moved house and in the middle of renovating and decorating before new boiler and central heating getting fitted on Monday. I have hardly saw dp because of work or rushing around doing jobs in the house. I work full time and i have a dd. I am off on Sunday but I need to sort the house at any spare moment and was looking forward to a lie in.
I get really pissed off because every time she visits this way it's always last minute and she expects me to just not have anything on and be care free and live life as it comes.
I don't think she understands how busy it is having a family and a house to run. She's a bit of a traveller, works cash in hand and has as much time off as she wants and she's single and lives alone so she just fends for herself.
I feel bad cause she's came all this way but it's a really bad time just now and i always think if you are visiting you should arrange a convienent time so you can both make the most of it.
I should add she's staying in a hotel near by.

OP posts:
shaggedthruahedgebackwards · 10/11/2017 18:39

YANBU to stick to your plans but YABU to completely refuse to see her

Explain you are busy decorating etc so can't come out but that she is welcome to call in for a cuppa & catch up

Unless of course you don't actually like her at all

egginacup · 10/11/2017 18:42

Agree, just invite her over to see the house and have a cuppa. If she's a good friend she might bring cake!

JaneEyre70 · 10/11/2017 18:44

I'd invite her to the house, and let her see what's going on in your life. Then gently shoo her on her way after an hour or so. Friends are very precious and I'd make the effort.

Jux · 10/11/2017 18:46

She could come and do some painting and sorting and baby minding while you and dh go and have a nice lunch together and catch up.

GreenPetal94 · 10/11/2017 18:46

If you don't want to see her I suggest its because you are not a very good friends. Thats ok, but you need to accept it.

Originalfoogirl · 10/11/2017 18:48

She has asked your plans. That doesn’t sound like someone who insists you drop everything to see her.

If she is actually a friend, then there should be no problem with you answering the question she actually asked.

Don’t blame her lifestyle for you not being able to be honest with her.

ChickenVindaloo2 · 10/11/2017 18:50

You're definitely at least partly jealous of your "friend" and her freedom.

Childfree people do have a vague idea, you know, "what it's like to run a home and have a family". We also have homes. And families. Just different to yours. It doesn't make us all hedonistic hippies.

Just tell her you're too busy but you hope she has a fab weekend drinking, shagging and buying expensive things like all us single, childfree folk.

Whinesalot · 10/11/2017 18:51

She hasn't come specifically to see you has she? That's weird if she did and really not ok. if it's a wasted trip she might learn her lesson.

If you just happen to be part of her plans then see her if it's convenient, say you'll pass this time if not.

ShiftyMcGifty · 10/11/2017 18:52

You tell her all the stuff that needs doing before Monday. She's welcome to bring takeout to yours and you can stop working for an hour and break for lunch. Don't meet her for "an hour" somewhere because if you're doing diy jobs, that always ends up eating 3-4 of your hours. You need to clean up, chance clothes, travel to lunch, it always ends up at least 1.5 hr catch up, travel back, change to work clothes...

overnightangel · 10/11/2017 18:52

Is the hotel near to your house OP? If so, Either have a break for an hour and meet her for coffee or a drink, or get her to help out for a bit at yours. Some of the “not a proper friend, end it”/throw the baby out with the bath water comments are mental

Mittens1969 · 10/11/2017 18:54

I don’t get the impression that the OP is jealous of her friend’s freedom. She’s frustrated that she doesn’t get it that she ought to have called to arrange a convenient time for her visit. The OP has just moved into a new home, and has a lot on, so she’s basically stressed.

The friend should offer to grab a paintbrush and help with the decorating. Her friend might be up for a drink to unwind afterwards.

QuiteUnfitBit · 10/11/2017 18:56

works cash in hand
I mean, I'm as much against not paying tax as anyone, but what's that got to do with the visit Confused

pasturesgreen · 10/11/2017 18:58

You feel judgemental of her way of life and not much of a friend, frankly.

pasturesgreen · 10/11/2017 19:00

That should read sound, not feel.

eddielizzard · 10/11/2017 19:01

tell her you're frightfully busy. but you might like to meet her for a cocktail at her hotel in the evening?

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 10/11/2017 19:01

I think if you truly care about her make some time

Blitz the house all day and have her over for dinner and get pizzas and wine

I know it's annoying but ..... make sometime

eddielizzard · 10/11/2017 19:01

posted too soon. turn her visit to your advantage and enjoy. forget the rest. of course you're frantic. and if you really can't spend the time say no. she may give you more notice next time.

ArcheryAnnie · 10/11/2017 19:06

Invite her round at a time that's good for you - presumably at some point in the weekend you will sit down for a cup of coffee, for breakfast, or something. Lie in and open the door in your pyjamas, if you need to. And then carry on with your day.

FrancisCrawford · 10/11/2017 19:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

littlebird7 · 10/11/2017 19:15

I would not be pleased having this dropped on me, and the more you try to accommodate her last minute.dom plans the more she is likely to do it and think it is okay.

I would call her and say as much as you would love to see her it simply can't be done this weekend. I would take the opportunity to tell her realistically how much notice you need typically.

If you become the kind of person to say yes to everything then fully expect your life not to be your own anymore and you will quickly become overloaded and stressed. A good friend would not want you to feel this way. I think be assertive but kind.

alphajuliet123 · 10/11/2017 19:15

"We've got a lot on this weekend but by all means swing by for a quick cuppa, any longer than that and I'll be handing you a paintbrush lol!!"

Slartybartfast · 10/11/2017 19:24

i agree, make some time for her, she can possibly help?

newmums2016 · 10/11/2017 19:31

If you two are actual friends then surely she knows that you've just moved etc and by asking what your plans are she's seeing if you can fit her in?

Maybe because you always made yourself available previously she doesn't realise you don't like these spontaneous visits and would prefer more notice?

StealthNinjaMum · 10/11/2017 19:35

I think yabu, you'd really rather have a lie in than see a friend? I agree with pps, invite her to your place so it's minimum effort for you and she can get an idea of how busy you are.

LostForNow · 10/11/2017 19:36

Can't you at least meet her for breakfast?

I don't think she understands how busy it is having a family and a house to run
This is a super knobby patronising thing to say. You are either a martyr or super unorganised. A child, house and husband is not that much hard work.

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