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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What the actual hell???

103 replies

YouDidNotJustSayThat · 09/11/2017 20:26

DS has a bully. No, not DS. DS's entire class has a bully. No SN just encouraged by parents to be a thug (I can explain further if needed). Mum is a teacher and friends with the school staff (small village). Half the class are having to go in and speak to the head about him choking, hitting, punching and snatching things off their kids on a regular basis.

Today was my turn to go and make a formal complaint. I can't take my DS coming home marked or bleeding with no explanation from the school anymore.

So here's a part of the conversation:

Me: My son is giving me an almost daily report on how "Bob" has hurt him that day. It's really getting beyond a joke. Obviously I ask "Did the teacher see?" "Did you tell the teacher?" "What did she say" and the reply is always, "Mum she just told me to stay away from Bob" This needs sorting! Last week he had four bleeding finger nail marks in his hand because he wouldn't give up something he had.

Head Teacher: Hmm. Well I think we need to address this. I think our first course of action should be to discourage discussing this every day. It's clearly being made an issue you bringing it up....

Me: (confused) Sorry? DS needs to stop telling me about him getting hit?

HT: Essentially, yes. it's probably better to talk about other things and allow him to volunteer information if he feels he really has to. Having a daily discussion is making this into a bigger thing.

Me: Sorry you're misunderstanding. I don't ASK my son, he tells me straight away. And my son isn't making it up for a story!

HT: At this age play can get rather rough between boys.....

Me: Running across a classroom and pummelling a child in the head so he needs an ice pack is not playing. This isn't mutual rough play! It's happening all the time and I KNOW teachers know about it cos my older two often get involved and go tell teachers for my son and his friends. Nothing's being done!!!

HT: I'll speak to the boys. It's likely the teacher is unaware. Ask your DS to let me know if things happen and we'll look into it.

At this point I pretty much had to leave, dragging my jaw on the floor.

So the solution to my son being bullied is to change the subject and stopping him from telling me?

I'm going to give it a few days and if nothing changes, what's my next step? I have been running the entire conversation through my head since 9am wondering how I have misunderstood or misheard but that was pretty much word for word what she said.

Could that be interpreted a different way?

OP posts:
josbd · 10/11/2017 01:29

Agree with those suggesting a united front. The child's behaviour is beyond unacceptable and the other kids are being given the message that it is fine to bully others.

honeyrider · 10/11/2017 01:30

"Why do school bullies almost invariably seem to be the children of people with a bit of influence at the school? It's a total myth that most bullies are children with problems at home. Most bullies that I've experienced are like that because they are entitled, overindulged and have no boundaries"

This, 100% agree with this. When my son was in school the two class bullies each had a parent teaching in the school and the class teachers wouldn't discipline their colleagues children. What's more these bullies knew they wouldn't be disciplined and one of them would regularly boast how they wouldn't get in trouble as her father worked there. I got the police involved after this bully's father physically assaulted my son. It was easy to see where his daughter learnt her aggressive bullying behaviour from.

Supermagicsmile · 10/11/2017 02:19

Completely echo what the others have said. Everything in writing, formal complaint to governors.

I also think it's worth mentioning in your letter that unless this is dealt with adequately, you'll be taking it to Ofsted.

BlackeyedSusan · 10/11/2017 07:09

I would also like to point out that not only are they failing all the other children in the class, they are failing in their duty of care to the child concerned too.

watch out for the fingernail marks, they really hurt, and may scar. (one of four scarred) fingernails, particulary the ones that did for me can be quite dirty.

tempted also to keep yopur son off school as they are not capable of keeping him safe. particularly effective if the other parents keep him off school. they will send the school welfare/attendance officers round but that can be to your advantage. tell them they are not keeping your son safe.

maddening · 10/11/2017 07:13

Definitely complain to the governors - all 11 parents complaining separately at the same time might drive home the scale of it.

Ledkr · 10/11/2017 07:26

This doesn't surprise me one bit.
I battled dds school for nearly a year with similar responses from the head.
I eventually took her out of school and she went to a performing arts school as I couldn't waste anymore of her education fighting a losing battle.
These were not troubled kids. They were kids from affluent middle class families who had anything they wanted.
The school tried to dress it up as "girls falling out" and yet it seemed to be only my child who was scared to go to school/town, got texts telling her to Kill herself, got physically assaulted twice and suffering from extreme anxiety.
The other girls were having a great time sitting in the local park with booze and drugs!

SandyDenny · 10/11/2017 07:26

I think some posters are getting a bit carried away with police and lawyers.

I'm surprised that you don't know if the school has a website, are you in England? I may have missed the age of your child but I'm assuming quite young so your information before applying would have come from the website I'd have thought. Anyway you need to get the bullying and complaints policy and follow those to thew letter.

The Governors wouldn't be able to do anything until you've gone through the complaints procedure.

In the meantime you must keep a written record of absolutely everything, email the HT every day if necessary so there's no way they can deny anything.

I don't see any harm in discussing it with the other parents and encouraging them to do the same. A daily barrage of parent contact would be very difficult for the HT to avoid

LakieLady · 10/11/2017 07:38

This is appalling.

I think acting in concert with the other parents would have more impact. If it's possible to compile a list of all the incidents it might just bring home to the school that something has to be done. It will show there's a pattern and an ongoing problem, and that this can't be regarded as an isolated incident.

As well as the school's anti-bullying policy, get a copy of their safeguarding policy, as it sounds like they may in breach of that too. And when you submit it to the governors, copy the LEA in too.

TheDuchessofDukeStreet · 10/11/2017 07:43

Diary, photographs of injuries, Ofstead now, governors, police, unite with the other parents. Please don't hesitate to protect all your kids.

youarenotkiddingme · 10/11/2017 07:50

Well if the school are continuing to punish the mothers brass balls nothing's going to change Angry

My suggestion would be all the parents of the children being bullied take their children out on Monday and all email saying their children are being kept at home due to "bob" and their concerns the school aren't safeguarding their children from him.

Actions speak louder than words and certain things (attendance etc) get schools to sit up and listen.

youarenotkiddingme · 10/11/2017 07:50

Polish not punish!

Givemeallthechocolate · 10/11/2017 07:53

I'm sorry but I would have to go in all Gina blazing the next time.

I would want an appointment arranged to see both the head teacher and the teacher, plus school governor- with a printout of their school bullying policy.
At this point I think I would be telling them where they are not implementing this, I would tell them what I expect.
I would ask them what they will do, if not in line with my expectations, I would be writing to the LEA with a letter of complaint about the school not following their anti bullying policy, and clearly explaining the situation.

Monitor the situation like a hawk, when they know that they have no choice but to actually do as they've promised, they do get a bee up their backside!

Jasminedes · 10/11/2017 08:02

And put in writing the head teachers comments and complain about that. Putting it in black and white might shock her. And name your concerns about the personal relationships causing conflict of interest. Mention to others you are doing it - others might take the hint and send in their own comments to the governors.

millifiori · 10/11/2017 08:04

Yes, contact the governors. My DC went to a school that was useless at sorting otu bullying and minimised it, to keep their own myth of what a friendly lovely village school they were. Consider moving him. That's fundamentally a badly run school.

Increasinglymiddleaged · 10/11/2017 08:21

This is about safeguarding and this is the word that you need to keep on using. Schools that do not safeguard pupils adequately get an automatic OFSTED 4.

BlackeyedSusan · 10/11/2017 12:54

fill in the ofsted survey.

if lots of parents fill itin with poor results, they take note.

in the mean time, follow a load of the advice above about emailing and contacting governors. now you have spoken to the heaad you can complain to someone else formallly, and as the head is part of the problem someone else will have to investigate.

Mittens1969 · 10/11/2017 13:26

I’m so sorry, this is so hard. I agree with what PPs have said about working with other parents whose DC are being bullied by this boy and about logging every incident. You should definitely complain to the governors, and, if the boy is 10 years old or above, involve the police.

Flowers to you and your DS.

derxa · 10/11/2017 13:29

I don't know if the school has a website. That's very unusual

Original poster
YouDidNotJustSayThat · 10/11/2017 18:37

I've checked. No specific website, just a section on the local council page giving the head teacher, parent council head and school's contact details/address. Also a downloadable PDF of the school handbook. I'll study that. No doubt it'll have the bullying policy in there.

It's an old school school. Lunches are paid in cash there too. No online facilities at all as yet.

OP posts:
Pru24 · 10/11/2017 18:50

I had the exact same problem with my son at his old school. After endless meetings & countless promises to "sort it out", we removed our son. The HT was useless, said the same about it is us making it in issue, recorded all incidents & convos. The HT refused to move our child to the other class because he knew other parents would want the same, lied about incidents & our child. We Sent a letter to governers & head, saying we want to complaint, the gov replied that after nearly two years with no change, said we should continue to discuss this with the school. The policy at this school was a joke & made it as hard as possible to file a complaint wich also involves a board meeting with head & governers. Very time consuming & the result was they did nothing & we had our son in a school that made safety a priority. My advice would be save urself time & stress, remove ur child. If this is your first time dealing with this issue, give them a fair chance to change it but sounds to me, ur heading down the long stressful headache of a road i did & the only person who change it for my child was me. Hope this helps & ur DC is ok. I know how hard & horrible it is!

Original poster
YouDidNotJustSayThat · 10/11/2017 18:53

I'll see how things go. While I do think the head did mean what she said about trying to get my DS to not make it an issue by telling me (ridiculous!), she might tackle the bullying. It's her job after all and I'm not the first parent in about this. I will keep a very close eye on the situation and if it doesn't improve I will have to take action. Governors, letters, emails, taking the little shit aside and very, very quietly whispering that should he ever touch my boy again I will beat the shit out of him and his mother for good measure

We'll see.

OP posts:
SingingSeuss · 10/11/2017 18:57

If she's ignoring your concerns then I agree with all those advocating a group approach.

MidniteScribbler · 10/11/2017 22:35

Don't go in as a group with other parents, especially with the attitude of 'what are you doing about bob?'. That will make it look like a witch hunt.

You need to make it about your child, not the bullying child. Don't write 'Bob did this, Bob did that'. Make it 'Joe had this injury'. The school cannot and will not tell you any action that is being taken with regards to this boy, so your approach needs to be 'what are you doing to keep my son safe?'.

millifiori · 10/11/2017 22:37

OP, I have in the past taken the little shit aside and without threatening them in any way, made them admit verbally exactly what they were up to and how they would feel if someone did that to them, until they were crying or genuinely ashamed and scared witless I'd never let them out of my sight. They never bothered my DS again.

SandyDenny · 10/11/2017 23:37

When did the school last have ofsted? I thought it was a requirement to have a website now and it's definitely a requirement to have the complaints policy on it. How are they getting round this.

Paying for lunches in cash doesn't mean the school is behind the times, my dcs schools don't have online payment systems but I think that's because they are expensive rather than the school being old fashioned, that doesn't ring any alarm bells for me

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