What the actual hell???

[YouDidNotJustSayThat]

DS has a bully. No, not DS. DS's entire class has a bully. No SN just encouraged by parents to be a thug (I can explain further if needed). Mum is a teacher and friends with the school staff (small village). Half the class are having to go in and speak to the head about him choking, hitting, punching and snatching things off their kids on a regular basis.

Today was my turn to go and make a formal complaint. I can't take my DS coming home marked or bleeding with no explanation from the school anymore.

So here's a part of the conversation:

Me: My son is giving me an almost daily report on how "Bob" has hurt him that day. It's really getting beyond a joke. Obviously I ask "Did the teacher see?" "Did you tell the teacher?" "What did she say" and the reply is always, "Mum she just told me to stay away from Bob" This needs sorting! Last week he had four bleeding finger nail marks in his hand because he wouldn't give up something he had.

Head Teacher: Hmm. Well I think we need to address this. I think our first course of action should be to discourage discussing this every day. It's clearly being made an issue you bringing it up....

Me: (confused) Sorry? DS needs to stop telling me about him getting hit?

HT: Essentially, yes. it's probably better to talk about other things and allow him to volunteer information if he feels he really has to. Having a daily discussion is making this into a bigger thing.

Me: Sorry you're misunderstanding. I don't ASK my son, he tells me straight away. And my son isn't making it up for a story!

HT: At this age play can get rather rough between boys.....

Me: Running across a classroom and pummelling a child in the head so he needs an ice pack is not playing. This isn't mutual rough play! It's happening all the time and I KNOW teachers know about it cos my older two often get involved and go tell teachers for my son and his friends. Nothing's being done!!!

HT: I'll speak to the boys. It's likely the teacher is unaware. Ask your DS to let me know if things happen and we'll look into it.

At this point I pretty much had to leave, dragging my jaw on the floor.

So the solution to my son being bullied is to change the subject and stopping him from telling me?

I'm going to give it a few days and if nothing changes, what's my next step? I have been running the entire conversation through my head since 9am wondering how I have misunderstood or misheard but that was pretty much word for word what she said.

Could that be interpreted a different way?

Had to pick my jaw up off the floor as well. As in, I got to the end of your post and realized my mouth was genuinely hung wide open, esp after this bollocks:

I think our first course of action should be to discourage discussing this every day.

Is she on glue?? (sorry I had to, but is she?) I don't think I've ever heard a teacher say something so absurd, and just blatantly, dangerously wrong! Don't talk about abuse?

I don't know how you didn't thump her right there.

Agree w pp: Email with recap of the conversation, expressing dissatisfaction at the recommendation to bottle up and NOT TELL about taking abuse. Then get any other parents you can find and all take this to the governors together.

This is completely unacceptable. It must be stopped immediately - the abuse and the HT's attitude about it.

If this doesn't stop, take it to fb and twitter and other social media. Those things can go very public very quickly, journos can pick up on it (I'll bet the Fail would love this story), and it can be globally embarrassing for the entity in question, so when issues hit SM, action is generally taken, even if it's only to prevent scandal.

OP "To clarify the mum is an ex member of staff and a local. Good friends with many of the staff (nights out etc)"

there it is!! that's why this is happening.

And this would be acceptable in the staff room would it, one of the teachers thumping the others and nobody acting on that?
WTactualF!!!
Next time I'd report it to the police quite honestly.

"To clarify the mum is an ex member of staff and a local. Good friends with many of the staff (nights out etc)"

Literally the only option is to move schools. This situation is not going to improve. They have closed ranks and are going to tolerate no dissent on their pet twat.

If the mum is an ex member of staff, why are they all protecting her son?

Would second getting as much as you can in writing. I would encourage other aggrieved parents to do the same.

I'm a Governor and I know we would take this vet seriously. The Chair should be named on their website alongside the policies.

It sounds like an awful daily experience for your DS.. I hope they can help

May I suggest you enlist all the other dps and gate crash the HT office?

sorry for outpouring of identifying angst there...(might report own post)
My ongoing feeling at the time was also 'wtaf' as it was SO gross.
But, yes, your best option may well be to move. I wish we had earlier.

Keep a written log of what happens to your son, and of every phone conversation, meeting etc. you have with the school.

Take photos of injuries.

Next time you go in, don't make a big deal of your log, but just have it with you and add to while you are there.

I'm in the US so this may not work. When we (we weren't alone) had a problem with bullying and school inaction, we ended up hiring a specialist education lawyer and having him present at a meeting with the school principal. He really didn't have to do much other than take notes, pose a few pointed questions, and look litigious threatening. It worked.

Best $250.00 we ever spent.

OP if there are so many children being bullied send a joint letter to the head and chair of governors signed by all those whose children have been hurt. Take photos of bumps scratches and bruises where appropriate.
Bully's DM taking a toy off another child and handing it to hers shows her approach to parenting. I hope she didn't leave the staff because she became head teacher somewhere else!

Email a summary of your conversation today. cc the Chair of Governors.
Go to the office tomorrow morning and ask for a copy of the anti bullying policy and the complaints procedure.
Keep a record of incidents.
In your complaint, make sure you only refer to incidents concerning your DS (but there's nothing to stop you encouraging other parents from doing the same). Stick to the fact. Do not refer to the mother being friendly with the staff.

Another thought - are these injuries and incidents being recorded in the school accident book? Anything which needs the slightest first aid like an ice pack) should be.

If you joint approach you will give them the defender of a witch hunt. Individual formal complaints the way to go.

If the child doing the bullying was from what they could label a 'problem family' they would be looking at exclusion/ social services by now. because his mum is a teacher he's untouchable.
Report the list of incidents and the Head's response to the Chair of Governors (if the CofG isn't also part of the clique) It's an equalities issue as well as a safeguarding/wellbeing issue

missymayhemsmum

The reason why the child is "untouchable" is because the head is a twat, not because the child's parent is a teacher.

And also your comment re "problem family" is also incorrect.

I work in a school and ex chair of governors at another. Your school has to have a website and all statutory polices will be on there. Safe guarding and bullying should be there. Ask for the official complaints procedure and follow that to the letter. You don’t want them to have any wiggle room. I would also talk about going to ofsted as if there are a number (quite a small number) of complaints about such things as bullying will trigger an inspection and no school wants that. I would be careful about how you communicate with other parents as the school could use that against you, but all parents should complain. I would also take photos of any visible injuries as soon as you can so you can back up your claims that your son is being hurt at school. I hope that helps

I'd interpret that as the head teacher not wanting to have to officially file a complaint against the other child for whatever reason.

Don’t leave it, it won’t get better. Letter of complaint to all and contact ofsted. It’s not a witch hunt. Obviously the boy in question isn’t in the right place or getting the right intervention - any complaint will help that.

I don’t want to unduly worry you but my very young son got concussion and hospital visit from a push by a pupil - I had no idea he’d started to attack other children and if another parent had complained they could have saved my son getting that injury.

You need to send an email to the head confirming what was said.
Don't use emotional terms but keep it factual eg HT suggested son should not be asked about bullying. I confirmed the information was always offered freely.
This avoids it becoming be said/she said.
Yes to governer involvement. Yes to invitinv the teachers to ameeting with all the parents.
Are you keeping diaries of the incidents and how they are being reported to the school? You need to.
Tbh if the school wasn't taking it seriously, I would be involving the police as your child is regularly being assaulted.

Def go to chair of governors and make a formal complaint. This is not acceptable. X x good luck op

Schools have to have websites now - OfSted checks this and whether it is kept properly up to date.

I am a school governor and know that the process here is to approach the head initially; if this gets you nowhere (as in this case) then write to the governors: the chair, and the safeguarding governor. This information should be on the website; if you cannot find the addresses, then talk to the clerk to the governors.

Personally I would take my child out of school until this is sorted; and inform the LA that you have done this and why.

There is no excuse for schools not getting on top of bullying.

Absolutely log every incident with date, time, response from school if applicable. Without that, you'll quickly get overwhelmed and forget some important information.

I would first email the headteacher, asking her if you understood right in as far as abc.. when you reported.... incidents to her.

Then include her response to your letter to the governors. I had the unfortunate 'privilege' of an absolute crap headteacher who behaved gobsmackingly inappropriate as well. We had to learn the hard way. Hope your issue gets sorted quick.

Wow! Definitely a formal complaint to the governors - that’s just wrong !