What the actual hell???

[YouDidNotJustSayThat]

DS has a bully. No, not DS. DS's entire class has a bully. No SN just encouraged by parents to be a thug (I can explain further if needed). Mum is a teacher and friends with the school staff (small village). Half the class are having to go in and speak to the head about him choking, hitting, punching and snatching things off their kids on a regular basis.

Today was my turn to go and make a formal complaint. I can't take my DS coming home marked or bleeding with no explanation from the school anymore.

So here's a part of the conversation:

Me: My son is giving me an almost daily report on how "Bob" has hurt him that day. It's really getting beyond a joke. Obviously I ask "Did the teacher see?" "Did you tell the teacher?" "What did she say" and the reply is always, "Mum she just told me to stay away from Bob" This needs sorting! Last week he had four bleeding finger nail marks in his hand because he wouldn't give up something he had.

Head Teacher: Hmm. Well I think we need to address this. I think our first course of action should be to discourage discussing this every day. It's clearly being made an issue you bringing it up....

Me: (confused) Sorry? DS needs to stop telling me about him getting hit?

HT: Essentially, yes. it's probably better to talk about other things and allow him to volunteer information if he feels he really has to. Having a daily discussion is making this into a bigger thing.

Me: Sorry you're misunderstanding. I don't ASK my son, he tells me straight away. And my son isn't making it up for a story!

HT: At this age play can get rather rough between boys.....

Me: Running across a classroom and pummelling a child in the head so he needs an ice pack is not playing. This isn't mutual rough play! It's happening all the time and I KNOW teachers know about it cos my older two often get involved and go tell teachers for my son and his friends. Nothing's being done!!!

HT: I'll speak to the boys. It's likely the teacher is unaware. Ask your DS to let me know if things happen and we'll look into it.

At this point I pretty much had to leave, dragging my jaw on the floor.

So the solution to my son being bullied is to change the subject and stopping him from telling me?

I'm going to give it a few days and if nothing changes, what's my next step? I have been running the entire conversation through my head since 9am wondering how I have misunderstood or misheard but that was pretty much word for word what she said.

Could that be interpreted a different way?

Complain to the school governors. Put it in writing that way they have to acknowledge it. Also write to the head, saying you have no other option as you felt your verbal complaint was not taken seriously. Hope you get some answers & the help your son needs

I agree the HT is wrong and you should complain to the governors (I work with school GBs and a letter to the Chair of Governors has to be dealt with.) Though, unfortunately, it's not impossible for chairs to be cronies of the HT and teaching staff, as well. But you can escalate things futher if the governors are unhelpful.

SN isn’t a guarantee of violence or thuggish behaviour. I’m really not happy that the OP makes that kind of link.

I know of a fair few schools in our area that just cannot handle bullying at all. Would rather just pretend it's not happening. It's really sad, and obviously v difficult for the families involved..

The only one I know that nipped it in the bud was one where the Head actually went into the classroom and ranted at the children about bullying for half an hour or so. That seemed to work. Sometimes I think Heads that are slightly old-school and put the fear of god into children are a good thing.

Try the governors but they may be as pally as the teachers with this kids Mum.

We had one like this but was t until he attacked another teachers kid that anything happened.

How old is the bully, maybe if he's old enough a few visits to him from the police might make them pull their heads out their arses.

Can't you trigger an OFSTED inspection by making a complaint re safeguarding (only takes one to my recollection, get other parents on board to make similar complaints separately) to the local authority? It happened in my last school, the parent complained, boom, OFSTED landed. They'll have to take that seriously.

I think our first course of action should be to discourage discussing this every day. It's clearly being made an issue you bringing it up....

Yes, this is a learned phrase, teachers are taught it. I've heard it in several schools. By all means follow the procedure, make a formal complaint (please write to the Head first then you have a paper trail and are following the "rules"), but unless there can be some sort of sea change in attitudes in the school I think you might be barking up the wrong tree.

@BishopBrennansArse I agree but it's often the first thing that comes up on these threads; posters often make that erroneous assumption and ask if there's any SN going on. I read it as the OP trying to head that line of question off at the pass, rather than derail the thread with it.

OP, I'm sorry this is happening to your child and the others in the class, and I hope the governers take it seriously. I would start documenting incidents, with photos, every time your son complains.

Report to police if no result from the school.

Can't you trigger an OFSTED inspection by making a complaint re safeguarding

Unlikely in my experience - OFSTED bat it back to the LEA, they bat it back to the school unless it is a serious safeguarding issue which this (though unpleasant and appalling) is not.

Don't band together to meet the HT, instead get all 11 parents to make formal complaints - that will make the Governors and Head sit up and take notice regardless of how pally they are. And there will be a solid set of paper trails to go to the Local Authority with if nothing happens (afet you've taken the complaints to Stage 2 and been bounced back, if the Governors are ineffectual).

Tell the head that as this is clearly a safeguarding issue, you will be contacting; 1) the governors; 2) OFSTED; 3) a lawyer to seek legal advice on suing the school and the head for a failure in their duty of care. Ensure that you have photos.

I second the proposal of bringing a lawyer. Works wonders in this kind of situation with cowardly self-serving power abusers like the head.

Oh, and it sounds like we are talking at least ABH here if not potentially GBH. Report the assaults to the police if all else fails.

Police. It’s assault. That’ll put the shit up that twat of a HT if nothing else will.

It's not a witch hit against the other child - it's a reasonable request to keep your child safe from harm during school

(If this was happening at him the teachers would take note and bring SS in..... something to think about)

I'd record the next conversation and get her sack. Disgraceful

I second all suggestions to email the Head back with your understanding of what was said today, so it's all down in black and white. Preferably in pretty much the same way you wrote the OP, but without the emotive language and reactions, just the words as you remember them in the conversation you had - something like When I came to see you today to discuss these issues, your response was "blah blah". My response to you was "blither blither", to which you responded "witter witter".
And so on. Much harder for them to suggest that you've misinterpreted their words if you write down what they actually said (insofar as you can remember them).

I also second all suggestions to keep a detailed record, including photos, of every incident.
And agree entirely with you that it would be better if all parents did this too, individually.

As soon as parents start to "band together", that's when the possibility of witch hunting can be raised, and you want to avoid that.

And if all that fails, and the Governors don't sort it, then move him :(

How olds the child?

You don’t happen to live in Oxfordshire do you?

You need to put in a formal complaint about how this is being dealt with. Write to the governors.

But also email every incident daily so they have a log. That way they can’t pleade ignorance. Encourage other parents to complain to the head and governors.

The child clearly can do no wrong and knows it. The bias staff behaviour would make me question their professionalism. Some schools fail to deal with bullying effectively and bullying thrives in such schools. Other schools have zero tolerance.

They have a responsibility to keep your child safe

All of the parents need to document every instance of this bully child's effect on their own child and present it to the head, copy to Chairman of the Governors and copy to a high-up in the LEA, sorry, out of education for ages so don't know who in the ed Dept can sort the school out on this disgusting stuff.

If bully kid is over 10, then Police too.

Our dd was bulliedndphysically hurt almost every day. It too dh threatening to involve police to get action from the Head. Their form teacher had done everything she could but was stymied in further action by the Head’s refusal to accept there was anything untoward going on. The bully had a Behaviour plan (? Can’t remember the name) and so apparently everything was A-OK.

Way back then, teachers (some teachers) seemed to think just having a bullying policy was enough and all they needed to do was say “but we have a bullying policy....”. The EdPsych actually said “but she [the bully] has an individual behaviour plan.” as though that took care of everything.

Make sure your son knows that he absolutely should tell you. At present, I wouldn’t trust the Head not to tell him not to tell you.

Why do school bullies almost invariably seem to be the children of people with a bit of influence at the school? It's a total myth that most bullies are children with problems at home. Most bullies that I've experienced are like that because they are entitled, overindulged and have no boundaries.

If it were me (and it was, once) I would confront the child.

I would also take photos of physical evidence of injuries (eg bleeding fingernail marks) and get other parents to do the same and include them when making a complaint.