AIBU to call every day

[TreaclePumpkin]

Hi all, I have a 13 month old son who started nursery 3 days a week about a month ago.

I typically call the nursery twice a day to find out how he has been sleeping and eating - we have particular concerns as he has not grown now for a few months and is under a paediatrician for this issue.

What I want to know is if it is normal to call everyday and what other people do? I really just miss being with him all the time, so it's a big adjustment for me as well as him. And he still goes in crying everyday and is frantic to leave when his dad picks him up after work.

The nursery have said we can call as much as we want, but I don't know if they really mean it. I obviously want to make sure my little one is ok, but don't want nursery staff resenting him because his mother is annoying and clearly suffering from PFB syndrome

Very grateful for any views on this.

Have you thought about getting a nanny? DS1 had separation issues, complex food requirements and frequent illnesses. Having an awesome nanny, who also took him to regular appointments etc changed our lives!!! Removing the morning and evening drama of dropping off and picking up a child not keen on transitions was liberating!!

With both mine I called at least once a day for a few weeks, then gradually forgot!! You'll get easier with being apart but IMO if they have said call as much as you like then it is fine to do so. Just be conscious of the time you are calling so you don't interrupt sleep times / meal times. Hopefully the NA's are as lovely as the ones we have and won't mind one bit.

It doesn't matter. Call if you want to. Don't feel that you can't. It's important to you. You'll probably find that in time you won't need to do so as much, but don't force yourself to stop calling before you're ready.

IHATEPeppaPig If you're trying to insinuate that anyone who doesn't harass nursery/childminders or insist on constant updates doesn't miss their kids, then you're just being silly now.

To all those people who felt the need to jump on OP and tell her she's 'ridiculous' I truly hope you never find yourself in a situation where you are suffering with anxiety.

I suffered with such severe anxiety I couldn't work for nearly a decade. I understand it. I still stand by what I said.

It doesn't matter. Call if you want to.

Yes, it does matter. They're employed to look after her child(ren), not to provide constant reassurance when they should be doing their actual job of looking after the children in their care.

My child has an ongoing medical situation and we use a log book/diary. I find it better than calling as it's all written down so patterns etc are easy to see.

Also I also have anxiety specifically linked to health/medical stuff.

I found calling (which they suggested at first) heightened everything - a diary (or "log book" in both senses ... as my child has bowel issues) at a set time means nothing that hints at emergency, it's much calmer for me.

It's a strategy that works for me and my daycare. It's like a tick sheet so does not take a lot of time.

I think you have to ask yourself whether you'd rather they were chatting to you or looking after your child. They can't do both at the same time.

In every setting I've worked in, bar one tiny pre-school with 16 children and 2 members of staff, there has been provision for someone to easily answer the phone without an adult being taken away from the children. Prospective parents making enquires about availability, people arranging visits, tutors phoning up about students or apprentices etc.

One mother phoned everyday after lunch to see what her daughter had eatten. No one ever had a problem taking her 30 second phone call. A note was left by the phone log once her daughter had eatten lunch and who ever answered the phone had all the information they needed to hand.

Your little one has been at nursery for weeks not months. It will take time for 100% trust to develop. It's been 25ish sessions, you're all still settling into this routine. It sounds like your nursery really don't mind you calling and wouldn't have encouraged you to do so or mentioned lack of calls if it was a problem for them. Only you know if calling them is feeding any anxiety and making things worse for you or if you're just touching base as you settle into your new normal and ride out any potential medical issues.

I think you're transferring your anxiety to your baby. And I think calling the nursery throuout the day every day it's a bit too much. They should be able to tell you at the end of the day what has happened with your child. Mine started nursery at 12 month old, and I never called nursery through out the day. I did ask them to call me if there were any issues and I always made myself available to them. I used to, and still do, receive a full report on how his day went. When he was little, I was told how many wet or soiled nappies they changed, what time, how much milk he drunk, what he ate, how long he slept, etc. He's 3,5 now and I'm still being told what's he eating, and because he still naps, for how long he slept. When he was little all this info was written in his book they gave me to take at the end of the day, and I could write any messages I needed to pass on to the staff for the next day. That way they can concentrate on the children and their needs. I don't think it's necessary to call the nursery to catch up. Unless you think that you calling might change the outcome of whatever your worry is, which I doubt. If you have any doubts about the nursery, then maybe you should look at another nursery. They look after your child and perhaps 20 others who have patents who want their children to be happy, just like you. In the nursery staff eyes, all children's needs are equally important.

I would feel harassed if 20 parents would call me twice a day to enquire about their children, if I was working in a nursery. There wouldn't be any time to spend with the children if every parent called me to ask about their child. I didn't even consider calling them, unless there was something important that couldn't wait until the end of the day.

Your poor thing. Totally understand why you're doing it. But also think it won't help you to let go of anxiety you feel about it, if you continue. I agree with another poster - put in writing that you need accurate diary information and then try to only check at the end of the day. Good luck.

I think if you were happy with the whole nursery situation then you wouldn't feel the need to call. Most people don't. However I can totally understand how it must feel a) at the start of going back to work if thats what you have just done? b) have concerns about growth serious enough that he is under a paediatrician and c) he and you both have separation anxiety.

How important at this stage in his and your life do you really need a job 3 days a week? It just doesn't sound like you are happy. I think if that feeling persists then you need to think about whether it would be better to stay at home a bit longer. I would set yourself a goal for things to improve and then if they don't I'd change the situation. Completely understand that you may have no choice in having to work.

@WhatToDoAboutThis2017 I never suggested that at all. I miss MY children and like the updates my childminder sends - just because you don’t need it doesn’t mean that it’s not okay to receive.

Harassment ...yes indeed.

ihatepeppa You did say you thought it was weird that parents didn't want to know their kids were during the day. I'm at work, if my cm was texting me updates I would have to tell her to stop doing it. I know my kids, I trust my cm and we can catch up when my H is collecting them.

Never called and DD was seeing paed for slow growth when she first started. Never even heard of parents calling the nursery ! Think the manager in charge of the one I used would have been 'firm' with you...... I think you're just adding to your anxiety frankly. let them do their job, whilst you do yours.

@Nicknacky saying that I think it’s weird that someone doesn’t want to know was in response to whats ‘it’s ridiculous’ comment - it might seem ridiculous to some people but I like getting updates and to be able to text asking how my kids are, different horses and all that.

You do what works for you- I like my updates, my childminder likes doing it and it’s why I chose them. It’s not weird or harassment like some posters are making out. It’s 2 seconds out of their day to say ‘yes they are fine and having fun’ or to text a picture.

Of course it’s not weird to check on/in with the person who is watching your child to see how they are

@Themummy76 thank you - MN is a weird weird place at times.

Stop calling. I called once in the first two weeks of starting nursery. DS was 13 months when starting. But I got a full written report every night detailing what had been eaten and when, nappy changes etc

PS DS had food issues / couldn't eat certain things. Nursery were great

If you are worried about the standard of care consider dropping in unannounced every 4-6 weeks at random times. You see first hand how good a childcare setting is this way.

Good luck.

Both of mine were full time and I never called. No news was good news.

Why is your child still there if they cry everyday when they go in and if they can't wait to leave? And you don't even trust the nursery either? If your child hates that nursery, then ffs don't keep forcing them to keep going there - there are other nurseries, childminders, nannies, nanny shares. Children can be perfectly happy in childcare, but it has to be the right setting for that child.

Whattodosboutthis, she's not harassing staff, she just wants to check her DC is ok. It's natural to worry when they start nursery. I called for a couple of weeks and then stopped once I felt DC was properly settled. There's nothing wrong with that. I'm sure most nursery staff are used to this. There's no need for the OP to feel she can't call.

if your child hates that nursery, then ffs don't keep forcing them to keep going there - there are other nurseries, childminders, nannies, nanny shares.

It’s unfair to assume it’s simply a nursery problem. Some kids just do this. Mine did, pretty much every day for four years. She loved the place and any suggestion we tried a new one was met with horror from her. She loved the staff, she loved her friends, loved everything about it. Cried every single day on drop off. Every. Single. Day.

And whenever she went to any other kind of childcare, she did the same. An activity club where she got to choose exactly what she did and where she went, cried every time. She was staying with her Auntie, being dropped off with my mum for a couple of days, she still did it. Being left at home with granny whilst I went to work, she cried. Every. Single. Time. This wasn’t about the individuals, it was about her response and habit of crying whenever I was leaving her. The only solution was for me to leave my job and be a SAHM. For all sorts of reasons that wasn’t possible, and anyway, despite tears every morning, she really did enjoy the things she was doing.

It only stopped when she started school.

OP keep an eye on it though, as she has grown, it is clear our girl has some anxiety issues. We believe that’s what the daily tears were about.

Sorry but that seems very excessive.