AIBU to call every day

[TreaclePumpkin]

Hi all, I have a 13 month old son who started nursery 3 days a week about a month ago.

I typically call the nursery twice a day to find out how he has been sleeping and eating - we have particular concerns as he has not grown now for a few months and is under a paediatrician for this issue.

What I want to know is if it is normal to call everyday and what other people do? I really just miss being with him all the time, so it's a big adjustment for me as well as him. And he still goes in crying everyday and is frantic to leave when his dad picks him up after work.

The nursery have said we can call as much as we want, but I don't know if they really mean it. I obviously want to make sure my little one is ok, but don't want nursery staff resenting him because his mother is annoying and clearly suffering from PFB syndrome

Very grateful for any views on this.

Sorry OP but that’s way over the top , just ask when you collect him . When mine were at Nursery I only ever rang to check if there had been a specific problem .

OP I don’t think you’re doing anything wrong btw, I would hate not to know what’s happening throughout the day with my kids but I think that maybe a nursery isn’t the right environment for you or your child.

Perhaps not. But nobody wants to be a massive PITA and that is why OP asked.

And that can easily be addressed without the wholly exaggerated examples of “what if...”

Perhaps the nursery don’t consider her to be a massive PITA. In fact, if the nursery did take that attitude, I’d be finding another. It’s likely the only ones who will judge her as that are other parents, as the DS to happen. Sure, it’s not what everyone does. That doesn’t make her a PITA.

The best thing to do would be to ask the nursery if they mind.

I've called once in two years, but your circumstances aren't the same, given the growth concerns. That said, im not sure what the two calls are doing to help - surely having the same info at the end of the day is more than enough? If there have been discrepancies between the calls and the diary in the past I'd ask them about that but otherwise rely on the diary, not least because the extra calls are probably causing you undue anxiety

I only ever called if there was an issue, otherwise I waited until the handover at collection, I think that you should do the same?

Perhaps the nursery don’t consider her to be a massive PITA.

Perhaps not. If this thread is anything to go by, most parents call 1-10 times a year and many never. OP around 500 times if her DC is FT. It would take an unusual kind of angel of a nursery nurse not to be just a little exasperated.

@DumbledoresPensieve

Nice to find a kindred spirit :) waves cheerily from sweden

Yes that sounds exactly like I was. I sought out some psychotherapy which I thought would be twatty but which actually was immensely useful and frankly, a bit of a lifesaver. The idea of a measurement and a judgement of a good or bad day is horribly familiar. At my worst I was having intrusive thoughts of external forces harming my son because I’d done something (left a dangerous item around, put a cup in the wrong place) HUNDREDS of times a day.

Op I want to give you a big hug and say that yes, it’s too much, but you KNOW that and you don’t need a bashing for it. Your child is likely fine, but you need to look after yourself.

I found CBT was offered first and it was the square root of sod all in terms of usefulness. Proper, in depth integrative therapy WAS useful. After a few months when I’d stopped sobbing at the poor bloke for an hour and could actually do work, I realised I wasn’t crippled by thoughts like ‘if I touch the red thing it will make my son bleed.’

I’m an intelligent, utterly skeptical, scientist by the way. I KNEW these things couldn’t harm my son, but my logical brain was utterly overwhelmed by it.

And you, dear OP, sound like you may be experiencing something similar. Don’t be scared to seek help if you are. Anxiety is a shit, but it can be beaten into shape somewhat with therapy

Way over the top with the calling. Poor nursery staff. I can imagine what they must secretly think of you.

No. I called once the first day. Never again.

Do you have a gut feeling of doubt about the Nursery? All mothers are anxious at first but follow your instincts.

I did and without worrying you by giving you details, I was right to be concerned. I then moved my DD and she LOVED her new nursery!

Sometimes they just don’t fit....

I used nursery for my kids but I think I'd be looking for a childminder or even better a nanny if you need food intake monitored closely.

an unusual kind of angel of a nursery nurse not to be just a little exasperated.

Thinking back to the management of the nursery I was at, they would have been lovely about it and if they felt it was OTT would have worked with the parent to resolve anxiety. I guess it’s about making sure you have the right nursery.

Hi OP, i called on day 1 at lunchtime and i call if she's been a bit under the weather, other that i don't, we get told of her day at collection inc nappies/foods/sleeps and activities

I never call my nursery for either of my two! I never did! They give me a sheet for each child or exactly how many sleeps/poos/clothes changes and what they have eaten and I can see photos on tapestry of their day.

Just thinking about it my nursery have 90 enrolled. If every parent called 2 x a day that would be 180 phone calls. Assuming each was 3 minutes long that would be 9 hours of parental chat per day! The phone would be engaged all day!

I've called only once! And that was with my PFB and his first full day at his new nursery.

We then moved house so he moved nursery and I never called them about him. My daughter joined the same nursery two-ish years later and I have never called about her at all!

I think calling is totally normal at settling in, or perhaps if they have been under the weather at home, but after that - no.

I agree with others that if you are really anxious perhaps its not the right setting. So much about childcare is your gut instinct. Maybe a childminder or nanny would be better!

3 kids x 4 years of nursery - no calls to them ever!

However, I do appreciate with the health issue it is different. As long as they aren't complaining about you calling then do what makes you feel comfortable. However, you are probably known as "that parent"!

It’s excessive but it’s exactly what I was doing because I instinctively knew he was unhappy there. Like Ihatepeppa I’ve gone for a childminder instead and that feels like a better fit. Are you happy with the nursery? Is the anxiety about you, the nursery or your child?

I really just miss being with him all the time, so it's a big adjustment for me as well as him. And he still goes in crying everyday and is frantic to leave when his dad picks him up after work.

Children pick up on their parents' anxieties (yes even at 13 months). If you can fake not being concerned then your baby will be less anxious. And as he gets older, if he is overly attached to mummy and daddy it will limit his confidence and independence. (And it won't do you any favours either.)

I hope that doesn't sound judgemental, as I'm sure you're a great mum. But I believe your anxiety at being apart from your son will have a negative impact on him, and should be nipped in the bud.

Oh and I was very obviously “that parent” at nursery .. I think they were thrilled to be rid of me childminder is happy for me to be in touch as much as needed (I don’t need it)

I may of called the first week on a daily basis, and then only if the children not been 100% or I was worried about something and as I don't speak to the nursery as I don't do pick up or drop offs. So maybe once a month! Usually I would email them. I always think that time they spend talking to me they are not looking after the children so let them focus on the key things.

I think phoning once a day is ok in the first couple of weeks. After that, it is too much sorry op. We have 42 children a day in our nursery. If all parents phoned twice a day we would be answering the phone 84 times..... Make sure you have a proper report at the end of the day and that staff know they can ring you with any concerns or worries

I agree with those who say you're calling too much, but as has been said, I don't think you need a bashing for it.

In my eyes it's not the fact you are calling so much as you NEED to call, which implies it's something to soothe very high anxiety. I understand you have valid concerns and worries about him but calling the nursery that much is not going to appease them - soon you'll want to call three times, then four....

I agree with a pp who suggested you might want to find some CBT or at least just give a counselling line a call to talk it through.

I work in a nursery and we have absolutely no parents that do this..... in the kindest possible way you seem extremely anxious and maybe you should look at that? X