AIBU to call every day

[TreaclePumpkin]

Hi all, I have a 13 month old son who started nursery 3 days a week about a month ago.

I typically call the nursery twice a day to find out how he has been sleeping and eating - we have particular concerns as he has not grown now for a few months and is under a paediatrician for this issue.

What I want to know is if it is normal to call everyday and what other people do? I really just miss being with him all the time, so it's a big adjustment for me as well as him. And he still goes in crying everyday and is frantic to leave when his dad picks him up after work.

The nursery have said we can call as much as we want, but I don't know if they really mean it. I obviously want to make sure my little one is ok, but don't want nursery staff resenting him because his mother is annoying and clearly suffering from PFB syndrome

Very grateful for any views on this.

Our nursery has an online system you can log onto. It tells you exactly what they’ve eaten, nappy changes and they even put up pics during the day. Its almost like a social media update on your kid! It’s really good and means I never have to call them.

I used to be a nanny and when I worked for two families, one mum would call me every day, one hardly ever. Both fine with me as I was employed by them.

What would concern me is the call not matching the sheet for the eating. I'd be raising that issue officially given your DS issues.

I think calling twice a day is excessive.
Due to the feeding issues though I would be making it clear that you need specific detailed information about what and how much he has eaten each day.
I’d hope that they would understand and do that for you so you can gain confidence with leaving him with them.

Twice a day is absolutely ridiculous.

Regardless of what they say, they do not want you to call that much. When you do, you are selfishly taking a worker's time from either your child or someone else's child.

And really, you "guess" you could wait to the end of the day? No, you absolutely can and you most certainly should.

@WhatToDoAboutThis2017 I think you are being too harsh - I agree that a nursery may not have the staff to take these calls, but I don’t think that it’s too much - I get texts throughout the day about my kids and it’s not to do with anxiety but that I want to know how my children are and that they are having fun. A nursery probably isn’t the best setting for OP but she’s not being ridiculous.

How could you think this was normal, and something all the parents do?
Say there’s 30kids in the nursery. That’s 60 separate phone calls a day

Wow..Id never have thought to ring them! Either you trust or you don't. What is it achieving? What do you do with the information, every day we got a detailed breakdown of foods/ activities Etc, what More do you need?

Hi, sorry, but I think it's too much. Honestly, my son has been in nursery a year and I've only called them a few times (either to inform them of an allergy or that my son will be late in). Do they give you a diary of what he ate / sleeping etc? Ps lose the mummy guilt; I had it too, but I honestly think having his time in nursery, and keeping a good standard of living is good for him.

IHATEPeppaPig She is being ridiculous, and everything I said is true; she is selfishly taking time away from someone's child.

You shouldn't need constant updates via text or phone calls; if you do, you don't trust the nursery and you shouldn't leave your child(ren) there.

So, for those that responded and didn't feel the need to be rude/mean in their response - thank you.

I started calling twice a day because the nursery suggested it. When I left him the first few times I would call to check on him and then they would say I could call back later on if I like, to see if he was doing any better. He initially cried pretty much from start to finish. And honestly, it just became a habit after that.

Lovely to see that everyone did so well at GCSE maths - used to be one of my favourite subjects at school too. The relevant figure is in fact 6 - there are a maximum of 5 other children in with my son at any given time. Typically, a call would only last two minutes at the very most. So feel free to have fun working out these numbers

I do probably have some anxiety issues I need to deal with, it has actually been mentioned to me before. I have tried seeking out help and honestly felt really ridiculous wasting people's time because it did not really feel to me like a "real" problem and I know other people have a lot more serious issues out there. But, I have actually decided to try once again to talk to someone about this, so thank you. If nothing else, perhaps this post has perhaps really highlighted to me that I could do with a little help for myself.

As for trusting the nursery, honestly, I don't trust them 100%. We have had a few (albeit small issues) with them, aside from the discrepancies with the daily sheet, so it has made me wary that they are not always paying my son the attention they really should. But he has only just started to settle there and his key worker seems genuinely nice, so I don't want to just pull him out for him to start all over again somewhere else with no guarantee they are any better. Especially as his nursery is the only one in the entire borough with an Outstanding rating from Ofsted (for what it's worth).

And finally, I just wanted to say that I did not call today and the sky didn't fall in

Apparently he had one of his best days yet and even JD a good go at all his food. Even ate a breakfast, because my husband had forgotten to tell them at drop off we had fed him at home! Now, I know how he does has nothing to do with whether I call or not, but this has made me feel a lot better. The nursery staff did ask my husband if I was ok at pick up though, because they hadn't heard from me and wanted to make sure I was alright

Ok, essay over and my little one is now awake so I'm signing off now.

But thank you all and goodnight!

Well except the meanies - you guys should really take a look at your own lives...find some happiness in it instead of sharing your misery with the rest of us

@WhatToDoAboutThis2017 I trust my childminder 100% but my children are the most important thing in my life of course I want to know how they are during the day whilst still so young - I don’t think that’s ridiculous at all? I think it’s weird how you don’t want to know?

IHATEPeppaPig Like I said, you shouldn't need constant updates. You are perfectly capable of waiting until the end of the day to find out how it went, all while knowing that if anything serious did happen, you would be contacted.

Needing constant reassurance is a worrying sign.

I do probably have some anxiety issues I need to deal with, it has actually been mentioned to me before. I have tried seeking out help and honestly felt really ridiculous wasting people's time because it did not really feel to me like a "real" problem and I know other people have a lot more serious issues out there.

If left untreated, anxiety can spiral into a very servere problem very fast. I'm really hoping this is all poor choice of words on your part and you don't actually think anxiety isn't a "real" problem.

Aw your nursery sound lovely that they are happy to have you ring even though, as you now know, it’s waaay over the top.
Ask for a very detailed food intake breakdown due to his health issues - this is perfectly reasonable

@WhatToDoAboutThis2017 I meant my own problems. Not anxiety issues in general.

Yeah, that's what I was hoping, OP.

@WhatToDoAboutThis2017 I don’t need constant updates, I like them. I miss my kids funnily enough.

Excellent! Definitely get a more concrete plan in place to get a picture of what he’s eating - that is totally reasonable.

And do go with your gut on nursery if you feel anything is awry - it’s a challenging time for both of you when you first leave them. Where we are you have a two week settle in period where you can stay with them and gradually retreat, and that works well.

I also thought that other people had worse problems, don’t want to waste time blah blah. When I did get treatment I realised how ill I actually was. Of course that doesn’t mean you are, but if something is bothering you then listen to your gut.

Good luck with it all! Ds still howls sometimes when left. Other days he skips off merrily to wallow in an ice filled puddle with the rest of the toddler pack.

I never called. They'll call you I'd there's a problem. You can ask about sleeping and eating when you pick Him up

I work in Nursery. I had a year of a parent calling in my lunch break and getting a bit stroppy that I might have gone for a walk on my unpaid break. She gave me quite an attitude as she only wanted to speak to me and not other staff. It wasn’t even to ask how her child was, it was to check I had handed out party invites, check if we had checked the laundry for a missing sock.

I would possibly cut down from calling twice to one. When I was baby room supervisor our sheets were more accurate as we knew exactly what we had fed the babies while the older ones in the nursery had a set menu.

@TreaclePumpkin I felt the same. Like I was fine really, just a little bit stressed. As you can see (and I can see in hindsight) from my post, writing down every single detail of our day was not healthy or normal. That was just one thing I did too, there were lots of little things that all added up to make me an anxiety riddled mess. But at the time, it felt like something I had to do, just so that I had some sort of control over our situation. It didn't, obviously, writing things down had no impact on the outcome. But it's hard to see the wood for he trees when you're in the middle of it.

I had counselling when DS turned 1, which I've just finished (he's 19m now, and fine). This lead me to understand where the root of my anxiety issues lay, and how to deal with them positively. I feel like a different person now.

Not sure whereabouts you are but in my area we can self refer for talking therapies. If you speak to your GP they should be able to help you, or have a Google of your local health trust and see whats available.

To all those people who felt the need to jump on OP and tell her she's 'ridiculous' I truly hope you never find yourself in a situation where you are suffering with anxiety. It is awful, truly awful and words like that could easily tip someone over the edge. You wouldn't tell someone who had PND that they are ridiculous would you? Well, I hope not anyway. Try to have a bit of empathy!

Good luck OP

Anxiety is a 'real' issue..it can be completely incapacitating . As to whether it is a major issue for you?

It may be a mixture of anxious thoughts and habit...

Well done on not phoning!

Can you experiment on leaving out a phone call every other day and build up...?
Unless you feel like going cold turkey and just say to yourself.. I'm no longer ringing in from Monday?

As you say it's not helpful making these calls... So it may be that all that it is is reinforcing the anxious behaviour.

You have legitimate reasons for calling so I wouldn't worry. I only called once when DS went in on his first full day. They provide a full written report at pickup time so I usually just have a few minutes chat with them. I have full confidence in the nursery and Im at work when he is in nursery so I just take calls from them when they have concerns such as the one time he was just not himself (tired)

It's not normal to call every day. Twice a day is just mental. The staff is there to take care of the children, not anxious parents.
Ask for an update when you pick him up or ask if they have a diary for every child.

Twice a day is excessive....it must get annoying for the staff to have to constantly stop what they are doing with other children to answer your calls.

I think you should ask yourself how much you would appreciate people calling you while you were bathing, feeding, walking your baby? Or while you were trying to get him to take a nap? People can't see what you're doing, so don't know if it's a good time to call or not, right? Imagine that x-time the number of babies per carer they have at that particular daycare. So yes, I think you should only call if there's a real accute concern, and believe me, if your son becomes sick, or runs a fever, they will call you!