AIBU to call every day

[TreaclePumpkin]

Hi all, I have a 13 month old son who started nursery 3 days a week about a month ago.

I typically call the nursery twice a day to find out how he has been sleeping and eating - we have particular concerns as he has not grown now for a few months and is under a paediatrician for this issue.

What I want to know is if it is normal to call everyday and what other people do? I really just miss being with him all the time, so it's a big adjustment for me as well as him. And he still goes in crying everyday and is frantic to leave when his dad picks him up after work.

The nursery have said we can call as much as we want, but I don't know if they really mean it. I obviously want to make sure my little one is ok, but don't want nursery staff resenting him because his mother is annoying and clearly suffering from PFB syndrome

Very grateful for any views on this.

Bless you. I feel for you BUT you have to stop calling them. Look at how many children are there and imagine everyone's parents calling twice a day. They'd never spend time with the children which is ultimately what you want. They will call in any kind of emergency and you can speak to them at pick up. Try and enjoy the time to yourself x

Hugely excessive. I called about twice a year. If anything goes wrong they will call you.

Our nursery had 100 kids in several rooms, that would be 200 calls a day. Even if each is 3 minutes only, that's 10 hours worth per day; more than a FT member of staff.

Far too much, once a day is to much once the settling in period is over.
What on earth do you ask them every time??
I'm sure their patience is running a little thin with you at this stage and I'd try and phase it back..

Twice a day after a month is excessive, even given growth concerns! There is nothing which will happen in the (what, about 3 hours?) period between when you drop him off, make the first phone call, make the second phone call and then pick him up again which is going to materially affect his development. If he eats or doesn't eat, sleeps or doesn't sleep on any one day that doesn't really matter, does it? What you are looking at is the general pattern, which to be honest you could probably pick up from the four days he is with you, and certainly from the four days plus the end of day reports from staff on the other three days.

This sounds like it is more about you and not him. Have you gone back to work? Are you feeling unsettled? Do you actually want him to be home with you?

Too much op.

It is hard but do you think the constant contact is actually going to make your anxiety worse rather than better?

Is sending a packed lunch a possibility as then you will be see what he has eaten and be more in control?

I called twice on the first day because they rang me and said DS had refused food and drink. Once on second day I think.
I don’t call them anymore.
I can see why you’re calling though. Could you point out that you are concerned the diary does not match what you’re told on the phone and you are concerned. I hope your son is better soon

I think it would be worth telling them that you need an accurate and exact food diary to show to the paediatrician, this might encourage a better level of accuracy in what they record. I had a sheet from ds's dietician for school, to fill out - it was fairly basic, so I don't know if you would be able to find something online.

In order to help with your own anxiety, I would ask for a meeting with the nursery manager.

I would never call anyone looking after my kids. If there was a problem I'd expect them to call me.

I called on his first full day and I've called on a couple of days since if he's been upset at drop off but no not normal IMO. Gently - yabu. I can't see how this will help your anxiety .

In my personal experience, yes, I would think it's too much. Honestly, I'm not sure I ever once called nursery to check up on my dd (and she was there for nearly 4 years). I trusted them and I assumed that they would update me at pick up. Unless it was an emergency (like she was unconscious or had an injury and needed to go to hospital), I really don't need a constant flow of information. I understand you are concerned about his growth, but I would just let them get on with it. I think you are much more likely to get complete information at the end of the day than in bits and pieces throughout the day. For instance, he may not drink much milk at whatever time, but will finish it off an hour later. I would just insist that a detailed log is kept and one of you has a verbal check in at the end of the day.

Way too much. You shouldn’t phone at all just for the sake of it.

Imagine if every parent did this? Called immediately after meal times to find out what and how much they had eaten?

Bonkers.

Leave them to do their jobs and use the report to ease your mind. Unless there is an ongoing issue there is no need to phone as much as you do.

Could you ask them to take photos of his meals before and after then email them at the end of the day/week? Most nurseries now have iPads or similar for quick and easy photos so shouldn’t be too much to ask and will show exactly what is eaten

I don’t think I ever called - unless it was for a specific issue. My sons are now 21 and 15. Of course I worry about them. But I try really hard to keep some kind of perspective on my issues.

I’m sure they meant well in saying you could phone when you wanted, however you need (for your own sanity) to let them get on with their jobs, and try not to stress about things you can’t change.

Far too much! Can you imagine if everyone did that?! They would actually need to employ more staff to ensure the adult:child ratios were safe---which would put their daily rates up!

I understand you are concerned and that's sweet of them to say it, but I'd be very concerned about the children if every parent was doing it!

They nursery will call you if your needed, but I completely understand why you want to talk to them a couple of times a day and as a nursery nurse it wouldn't even cross my mind to be annoyed if a parent was phoning to check about eatting and sleeping.

This happened with a few children over the years who had medical, eatting or sleeping issues and took very little time out of the staff day. We knew who would be calling at certain times and would have a note waiting by the phone saying that x had taken medicen no problem, y had slept for 40 minutes and what z had eaten for snack and lunch. It would take seconds to answer the phone and relay the information. Not every parent needs this but some families do when their child is new or has long term issues, when we said, call as much as you feel you need to, it was always meant and they would have been told if it was too much. Just as we never minded anyone phoning up of their child was unsettled at drop off.

Are you making the calls from work?

What do you do with the information they give you? Would you leave work and go to the nursery during the day? I'd say it would be best to stop calling and wait for the end of day information.

The nursery staff need to get on with looking after all the children.

It's way OTT. I think for your own sanity alone you need to reign it in as this is just pandering to your own anxieties. Learn to relax when he's at nursery and trust that he's in good hands. Besides, can you imagine if every parent phoned twice a day? The staff would be spending so much time fielding phone calls they wouldn't be able to look after the kids.

I generally only called around 10am, if she had been particularly upset going in. We had tears every day for four years. She loved the place and told us so and it was a fantastic nursery, we have no idea why she did it. She’s ok going in to school thankfully, but there are still some places she goes where she will have tears before she goes in. She’s 8 and she still doesn’t know why!

But if you feel you need it, and they say you can, then you go ahead and do it. Makes no difference what other parents do. Ignore the “whataboutery” imagining 60 parents phoning twice a day as that just wouldn’t happen. Once you see he is doing fine and settle down, you won’t feel the need to do it.

Ignore the “whataboutery” imagining 60 parents phoning twice a day as that just wouldn’t happen.

Perhaps not. But nobody wants to be a massive PITA and that is why OP asked. She is clearly off the scale for most posters on this thread, whose responses range from "never call" to "very occasionally". I don't think many (or any?) even suggested a weekly call is normal, so twice daily is certainly unusual, which is OP's answer.

It is tricky to negotiate at nursery, later at school you get a much better idea about what other parents are doing. Play dates, school gates, lots of shows and parents evenings...you see rather more of each other then.

OP : I am going to be kind, because I am a mum who suffered with post-natal anxiety which revolved around my child's feeding (medical issues). You need to focus on making yourself feel better which at the moment the calls may or may not be helping with. When DD was small (and I realise how nuts this sounds now believe me) i wrote down every single drop of milk he drank, every nappy and times. I did it until he was 9 months old. I have notepads filled with timed lists like:

4am: 40ml
6am: Nappy Wet
7am: 90ml

Etc etc etc. I would add them up at the end of the day and if it was above or below a certain amount I'd drive myself mad with worry. It'd be a 'good' day if he'd eaten enough, a 'bad' one if he hadn't.

Me stopping that is like you stopping the calls. Honestly when you stop you'll feel liberated.

If you are particularly anxious, and it sounds like you are, really no mums call twice a day - talking therapies can really help.

@Anatidae this is the third thread in a week where I've read your responses and we are on the same page.... are you me? 😂

I have never called the nursery. My husband has called once - to ask if they could take our daughter in an emergency as I had been taken into hospital. I don't get to do the drop off/pick ups very often either (nursery is in town where my husband works). My wee one has been in nursery for nearly 8 months now (she started when she was 11 months old).

Having said that though we have had no health or eating issues to worry about at all. Maybe if you beginning to feel that you could call less you could gradually drop it down?

I have just accepted that our not great sleeper has wayyy too much fun at nursery to sleep. I know that they do try their best to get her to nap and she is only in 3 days a week so it is the way it is.

I do love getting home and reading her wee diary though and seeing what fun they have had.

If they have said you can do it, and you feel you need to do it, then do it. If however you feel it is feeding your anxiety, perhaps you could cut down to one time a day, then every other day when you feel ready, or something like that? You said you wanted to know if it was something that others do - my DS started at 12 months and I don't think I ever called, so no, it wasn't something I thought about doing. But I might have felt differently if DS had had health problems.

This is why I have a childminder - she texts me throughout the day and sends pictures.

I think it is probably OTT for a nursery purely because it is taking a person away from the children but seriously consider a childminder - they are all OFSTED registered and have to have the same paperwork as a nursery but in a home environment.

Sorry, Merry, I cross posted with you with a very similar post!