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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Party invite aargh

105 replies

Partyinvite · 05/11/2017 19:28

Name changed for this as I don't want the other mum finding out!

Yr1 ds has a party soon. Very small as he doesn't like crowds and whole class parties. So 8 (out of 30) from the class, 2 old nursery friends.

There's a boy in the class who was friends with ds a bit. But in reception it was very up and down. He Is quite physical (Ds hates anything pushy and shovey) then when Ds distanced himself he got quite clingy. I don't know how else to describe it but Ds would come home and say things like - he won't let me talk to my friends' and 'he always follows me around' I saw him pull Ds and a friend apart when they were hugging. And shoving another friend away when he was talking to Ds. I also saw him have full on fist fights with another boy in the classroom at drop off.

Anyway. We spoke to the teacher and things calmed down on our front.

It was this boys birthday recently and Ds said he didn't want to go as 'he hits me'. Fine. We made an excuse.

This term other mums have asked me if I had trouble with him as now their kids are coming home with bruises. The boy still plays with Ds and Ds friends occasionally.

Now it's Ds birthday. He chose who to invite. This boy did not make the list. We spoke about excluding people and he was adamant he didn't want him.

Now the boys mum has texted me asking if her son is invited.

Ds is really confusing. He admits he plays with him but doesn't really like him. And still insists he doesn't want him at the party. We asked why and he said he didn't want him to hurt him or start a fight with his friends.

I hate excluding - especially as they do seem to actually play together! But at the same time he doesn't want him at the party (and doesn't want to do play dates either!)

Pleeeeeaase help. DH and I are going round in circles.

Sorry for the mammoth post

OP posts:
overmydeadbody · 05/11/2017 19:30

Just tell the mum that due to number constraints you only invited 8 children. She's a grown up, she'll understand.

TractorTedTed · 05/11/2017 19:31

I hate confrontation too, but it's clear cut that you don't want to invite him. A bit cheeky of her to ask tbh.

Can't you say something making the lines of 'I'm very sorry, but we're not doing a big party this year and he's only having a few friends.'

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 05/11/2017 19:32

Just reply to her that he's having a really small party with limited numbers, sorry please don't take it personally, lots of children aren't invited.

I think it's cheeky of her to text and ask actually.

HouseworkIsAPain · 05/11/2017 19:36

I don’t u sweat and why you’re going round in circles - this implies you’re putting some random woman’s feelings above your own son? said he doesn’t want to have the child at his party. Text back as above - DS is having a small party with limited numbers. See you at the school tomorrow!

QuiteLikely5 · 05/11/2017 19:40

I would say there is only space for 8 and your ds wanted ten so you plucked manes from a hat

Well that’s what I’m advising you but if it was me I’d have spoken to this woman long ago about her son. I’m afraid I just couldn’t turn a blind eye if telling the school didn’t work. The mother may not be aware

Theresnonamesleft · 05/11/2017 19:40

I wouldn’t even bother replying. I mean who does that? Asks if their child is invited. You either get an invite or you don’t.

QuiteLikely5 · 05/11/2017 19:40

Names not manes

Namechangetempissue · 05/11/2017 19:41

I suspect she has messaged as she has realised her son is getting a bit of a reputation as rough and tumble and wants to see if you will say something about it.
I wouldn't get into that with another parent. Agree with a simple short answer about limited spaces and leave it at that.
I can't believe some people actually ask after invites though-makes me cringe! So pushy.

Orangealien · 05/11/2017 19:43

I'd reply saying, unfortunately not as it's a very small party as ds finds more overwhelming.

Do not feel bad. She was very very rude to ask whether he was invited. Get invitation = invited. Don't get invitation = not invited.

Original poster
Partyinvite · 05/11/2017 20:00

Thank you everyone! Phew not just me going mad then. DH thought we should invite just to save any awkwardness.

Housework - I'm not putting the mum's feelings first at all. It's just confusing when I do actually see Ds play with him at times. So they do have a friendship of sorts but clearly (in his eyes at least!) not enough for a party invite!

Quite likely - several of us have spoken to the teachers- reception and now yr1. I'm pretty sure mum is aware of the issues as she has been present when her son has pushed kids off benches etc. his gran also told me she thought reception was too easy and that's why he was acting up.

OP posts:
Pengggwn · 05/11/2017 20:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 05/11/2017 20:16

Her son is pushy? I wonder where he gets that from? Grin

LustyBusty · 05/11/2017 20:28

I don't think your son is friends with this boy - you said that he only plays with this boy because "he didn't want him to hurt him or start a fight with his friends." That's a damning thing and in no way a "friendship of sorts".
If I wasn't such a people pleaser, I'd be inclined to tell the other mum that THAT is why her son isn't being invited.... But I am, so I'd probably go with the limited numbers thing too.

khajiit13 · 05/11/2017 20:53

Nope nope nope. Just tell her "due to number restrictions is hasn't been possible to invite everyone, I'm sure you understand" and leave it at that.

CustardDoughnutsRule · 05/11/2017 21:20

The phrases you quoted - "he follows me round" and "doesn't let me play with other children". Both are classic comments in a one sided friendship. It's also fairly common for gentle children to be better liked by more "robust" children than vice versa. I bet the other mum has heard from her son that your DS is his best friend, or nearly so. It's a tricky one - if your child doesn't get an invite to purportedly his best friend's party then arguably it's not overly cheeky to check an invite hasn't gone astray.

I think you've been given good suggestions but just be aware, especially as she knows her DS is a bit rough, that she may be thinking it was you who prevented your DS from inviting her son, his "best friend".

How about "No sorry, wish we could reciprocate all the invitations but DS is not really coping with crowds ATM so we are keeping it v v small. Maybe next year! Smiley face mwah mwah mwah"

HouseworkIsAPain · 05/11/2017 21:42

If your DH wants to invite just to save awkwardness - I do think he appears to be putting her feelings or the very least ‘how things look to others’ before your sons feelings though?

I don’t see why you’ve been going round in circles. Maybe your DS does play with him at school, but your DS seems smart enough to know he’d have a nicer party with children that mix well rather than one who tries to dominate DS.

Original poster
Partyinvite · 05/11/2017 21:43

Many thanks for all the posts. Youve all been really helpful. I knew I could rely on you lot Gin

Custarddoughnutsrule - your post really made a lot of sense. Ds is very shy and I can totally see why she would think they are friends if her son talks about him everyday. I already get the impression she doesn't like me which I put down to a clash of personalities (like I didn't like her inviting herself and her son over to mine for a play date) but it could be that she thinks I'm stopping them from playing together

Urrrggh I don't want to deal with the playground gossip fall out but I suspect it's going to happen....!

OP posts:
emmyrose2000 · 05/11/2017 21:45

She's rude to text and basically ask for an invitation. I'd ignore and not reply.

Original poster
Partyinvite · 05/11/2017 21:45

Housework - DH wanted to invite! Not me! We've been going round in circles because Ds will say that yes he does play with him and his friends. And to me, it feels mean not to invite one person from a friendship group.

OP posts:
CorbynsBumFlannel · 05/11/2017 21:46

Very similar thread to this recently and quite a few people saying the violent child should be invited and if they're not the Birthday child is bullying them by exclusion which made me a bit Shock
There will be someone along in a minute to diagnose the child with special needs but special needs or not your son and his friends don't have to accept bruises. And I say this as a mother of a child with sn who has struggled with violent behaviour in the past. I didn't expect party invites from the children he had hit and the mum has remarkable brass neck texting you to ask. You could be nice and reply something like 'No sorry. We've had to make it a small party due to cost' or just ignore the message.

KeepItAsItIs · 05/11/2017 21:47

Stop over thinking it. Your DS doesn't like this boy and doesn't want him at his party. End of. He should be able to choose his guests and it's very bad manners of this mother to text asking.

I suspect she knows her little sod of a child is causing problems with other children and she is trying to cling onto friendships.

My DD will mention a girl sometimes that has played with them. She is a nasty little thing and a spiteful bully. DD doesn't like her and would never invite her but she is forceful and will play in a group and the others wouldn't tell her no, it could be a similar situation.

CorbynsBumFlannel · 05/11/2017 21:50

Also it sounds as though this boy is playing with your son and his friends due to following them around and being forceful rather than them actually being friends.
Your son declined the invitation to his party which says a lot. Kids tend to like parties, even if kids they are indifferent towards. He isn't your sons friend.

schoolgaterebel · 05/11/2017 21:56

You've done the right thing not inviting him.

This boy is not the only boy excluded, your DS has only chosen a few close friends.

CustardDoughnutsRule · 05/11/2017 22:04

Ah sorry didn't mean to worry you more! Who invited who to their party is not the most interesting of topics anyway. Don't worry about gossip, it's just a kids' party.

Friendship groups tend to be overlapping circles. You might see them as a group of 8 but another child would draw a slightly different set as their main circle.

I don't think you're in any doubt that he won't be invited OP, the problem is how best to put it. Keep it short and unlaboured, unlike my posts!

Original poster
Partyinvite · 05/11/2017 23:01

Thanks all. So much of what you say rings true.

I did text her and kept it friendly. She replied saying she was surprised as they play every day and would have thought he'd want him there. Then a bit of (possibly unintentional) guilt tripping about 'trying to explain it to him'

So now I feel terrible! but I know I did the right thing for Ds. Thanks again everyone

OP posts: