Party invite aargh

[Partyinvite]

Name changed for this as I don't want the other mum finding out!

Yr1 ds has a party soon. Very small as he doesn't like crowds and whole class parties. So 8 (out of 30) from the class, 2 old nursery friends.

There's a boy in the class who was friends with ds a bit. But in reception it was very up and down. He Is quite physical (Ds hates anything pushy and shovey) then when Ds distanced himself he got quite clingy. I don't know how else to describe it but Ds would come home and say things like - he won't let me talk to my friends' and 'he always follows me around' I saw him pull Ds and a friend apart when they were hugging. And shoving another friend away when he was talking to Ds. I also saw him have full on fist fights with another boy in the classroom at drop off.

Anyway. We spoke to the teacher and things calmed down on our front.

It was this boys birthday recently and Ds said he didn't want to go as 'he hits me'. Fine. We made an excuse.

This term other mums have asked me if I had trouble with him as now their kids are coming home with bruises. The boy still plays with Ds and Ds friends occasionally.

Now it's Ds birthday. He chose who to invite. This boy did not make the list. We spoke about excluding people and he was adamant he didn't want him.

Now the boys mum has texted me asking if her son is invited.

Ds is really confusing. He admits he plays with him but doesn't really like him. And still insists he doesn't want him at the party. We asked why and he said he didn't want him to hurt him or start a fight with his friends.

I hate excluding - especially as they do seem to actually play together! But at the same time he doesn't want him at the party (and doesn't want to do play dates either!)

Pleeeeeaase help. DH and I are going round in circles.

Sorry for the mammoth post

Why not reply and say ‘actually, we decided to not invite him as we’ve seen him be physical with DS in the playground’?

She is very pushy. You did the right thing.

Have you ever told her that her son hits DS? I would just be honest about it and if it all blows up, so be it. I doubt you'll find yourself the subject of playground gossip in a bad way if others are being hit as well. And maybe she'll do something about her son's behaviour.

But if she's never been approached about it directly, it could be quite confusing for her why one child is being apparently excluded.

Very cheeky of the mum. I wou,d tell her that no sorry, ds and your son are not friends and tgere are limited numbers.

No don't feel bad, she is very rude. I woukd tell her The truth, tgat her ds is hitting your ds, and your ds does not want him there. Who does this! It's not your problem, her son's reaction. Tough, it's your ds special day and he does not want him there.

God she's got a nerve. She's obviously deluded about her sons behaviour.
You don't need to reply to the second text from her.
Kids don't have to invite everyone to their parties. Presumably in a class of 30 there are 20 other kids who aren't invited.

I don't think other mum is necessarily being pushy or rude or cheeky. She probably knows her son has few friends, and thinks your son is his best friend. She was probably uncertain as she knew your DS has a birthday coming up and was checking, still on the presumption they are BFFs. That's fair enough - we all remember the post a while ago from the mum who noticed party invites were getting stolen and responded to from children's school bags?

Anyway, I think it would be better to have let her know the real reason why. In not telling her that her son comes across as a bully and you've seen unpleasant behaviours and interactions, you're kind of stringing her along. She now will still think they're friends. This means you'll now have to keep coming up with lame excuses until she eventually realises your DS doesn't like her DS, and who could blame her then for feeling hurt or frustrated at not being told the truth.

It sounds like your son is doing what most adults do - cope with a difficult person they don't like when they have to! But his party is not a time for that.

I hope by the time I have kids the trend has gone back to just having a few friends for each party anyway. Or are whole class parties only the sort of thing that you hear of on the internet, and they don't really happen a lot in real life?

God, she is pushy. Very pushy. I wouldn't reply. Up yo her to look deeper into why - time will show her.

It's so rude of her to even ask. Good grief. Well done, OP.

I presume your ds plays with some of the other 21 children in his class? So not like this boy is the only one of his playmates not invited? He’s hardly being ‘excluded’

Omg the reply!!
Talk about thick skin cf ness.

Is there any chance you could actually talk to his mum kindly and gently explain about her ds behaviour. Yes she might already know but might have brushed it off as boisterous play. If she realised there were consequences she might try harder to deal with his behaviour.

If she takes it badly at least you have been honest.

We had an almost identical situation with DD2. Her "friend" was basically a bit of a bully.

Took DD till' year2 to escape her clutches!

When you see her you could express surprise that her DS says they still play together, as your DS says they hardly ever do these days. Funny how their perceptions differ isn't it, etc?

Mabey her ds has to,d her tgat your ds is his best friend, when that is not the case. Sorry ds was only told to invite 8 kids, so he has invited some from school and some from nursery. Or like someone said. Ds does not want to invite someone who hits and pushes him.

I'd probably drop the conversation at this point. But if you're looking for some words, something like "I think someone DS find their play a bit rough, to be honest. Anyway, I'm sticking to the guest list he gave me." would cover it.

Omg. Didn't reply and wasn't going to. But just got another text from her.

They told him this morning. And now he's crying all the way to school!!! She says she wonders if the whole friendship group is invited - in case I see red eyes at the school gate

just whaaaaaaat

Ignore that text.

Tell DS he doesn't have to play with the boy and if the boy asks him about the party, he's to say "I was only allowed to invite X people"

And if the boy asks why he didn't get one, DS is to say "I wanted to invite other people." and that's that.

Custarddonought is a wise woman. I douching the 2nd text needs a reply but, if cornered in the playground, saying that your ds says that they play sometimes but not frequently, is a clever idea. "It is funny how 2 kids can have completely different ideas about the same situation, isn't it".

douching? Interesting autocorrect there. Should say 'don't think'!

Just ignore. She is doing her ds no favours, and shoukd be working to address his behaviour. She sounds unhinged.

Wow, that's terrible! What a strange woman.

Hope it goes ok for your son.

We had an almost identical thread a couple of weeks ago only the DC were girls. Looking forward to reading the replies to this one.