Party invite aargh

[Partyinvite]

Name changed for this as I don't want the other mum finding out!

Yr1 ds has a party soon. Very small as he doesn't like crowds and whole class parties. So 8 (out of 30) from the class, 2 old nursery friends.

There's a boy in the class who was friends with ds a bit. But in reception it was very up and down. He Is quite physical (Ds hates anything pushy and shovey) then when Ds distanced himself he got quite clingy. I don't know how else to describe it but Ds would come home and say things like - he won't let me talk to my friends' and 'he always follows me around' I saw him pull Ds and a friend apart when they were hugging. And shoving another friend away when he was talking to Ds. I also saw him have full on fist fights with another boy in the classroom at drop off.

Anyway. We spoke to the teacher and things calmed down on our front.

It was this boys birthday recently and Ds said he didn't want to go as 'he hits me'. Fine. We made an excuse.

This term other mums have asked me if I had trouble with him as now their kids are coming home with bruises. The boy still plays with Ds and Ds friends occasionally.

Now it's Ds birthday. He chose who to invite. This boy did not make the list. We spoke about excluding people and he was adamant he didn't want him.

Now the boys mum has texted me asking if her son is invited.

Ds is really confusing. He admits he plays with him but doesn't really like him. And still insists he doesn't want him at the party. We asked why and he said he didn't want him to hurt him or start a fight with his friends.

I hate excluding - especially as they do seem to actually play together! But at the same time he doesn't want him at the party (and doesn't want to do play dates either!)

Pleeeeeaase help. DH and I are going round in circles.

Sorry for the mammoth post

Grapes - sorry if I haven't been clear but Ds has invited both girls and boys to his party. Four of them are his closest and who he'd hang out with normally and (as he is very much a 'of the moment' kid) a lot from his class 'group' and carpet time 'groups'.

He has not invited a big gang of boys who all hang out together and excluded one boy. About 14 boys are not invited. There are a shedload of boys in his class!

Wow, she's a seriously pushy parent!
OP, you mentioned that this mum had invited herself and her son to a play date at yours previously so presumably you didn't attempt to stop her on that occasion?

Is there a possibility that she will simply turn up at your DS's party and assume you won't make a fuss and turn them away?
It sounds like she has enough of a brass neck to do something like that.

I think you really need to spell it out to her that her son is unkind to your DS and that is why he isn't invited to the party. Make it clear that it's about her son's behaviour and not a numbers issue.

I did not know whether it's because I'm an older mum (pregnant at 43) but I really don't understand all this angst about making up excuses instead of having straightforward conversations with other people.

Text back.
“Sorry he felt upset -I saw him with dad at school this morning he seemed to have cheered up thankfully.
Ds is having a small party with a few friends from inside and outside school and numbers are limited so it wasn’t possible to invite everyone and I asked Ds to pick his closest friendship group and as a result a number of children who he is friendly with and plays with in school are also not invited. XX”

Oh God, I feel so sorry for that mum and kid. Not your responsibility though! If it was me I'd speak to her face to face and say that DS decided on the people and there's limited numbers. I'd also probably arrange a play date for another day at my house so she wouldn't feel unwanted and it would be a chance for me to see the boys play and also potentially chat to her about her worries if she wants to. I suspect she's beginning to realise she's on he outside.

If at my house she was rude or inflexible about her sons behaviour I'd let her off to do her own thing. But I would give her the opportunity of some support.

My, she's a CF isn't she! I would go with Corbyns honest but reasonably gentle response above otherwise she will unfairly make you the bad guy rather than address her childs behaviour.

Oh sorry Grapes

Fluffyninja - ha I actually had a nightmare along those lines last week! I told my DH I bet she just turns up or gets another mum to drop him off...

The play date was a total nightmare. She basically pestered me for about a month saying He really wants a play date, when can we arrange etc etc. We had just had builders in and (surprise surprise) there were a load of issues that needed sorting, so I really wasn't keen on any play dates not just him till things were sorted. But she just kept on and on asking me in front of other mums till it became rather embarrassing. We set a date. It did not go well. Ds does not want to do play dates with him again...!

(As a side note she sent another mum a text saying - 'Just wondering if your son would like a play date with X...at your house?' which I thought was an amazing new way of inviting yourself round!)

DONT text back any form of explanation or apology as op have suggested!

The minute you write ‘sorry’ in a text you immediately give her the upper hand and will compound her feeling of being ‘victimised’.

You don’t owe this woman anything. Her child did not get an invite and it’s absolutely none of her business who is going/not going.

Ignore her.

She’s perfectly aware of her sons behaviour as she’s seen it herself. It’s not up to other people to facilitate friendships despite her sons anti social behaviour.

She is very brass necked, and her attention at using emotional manipulation would have me spitting chips.

She sounds incredibly rude, pushy and cheeky, and I would not reply to her text, and delete and block her number. Your son does not like hers, and he does not have to play with him, or have him at his party.

I agree, don't answer the last text. She is fully aware of her Son's actions. Don't open up a line of communication with her, perhaps he gets his bullying ways from her ! 🤔
I hope your little boy has a fabulous and happy birthday.

She sounds a right cheeky cow. Take no notice, just ignore any texts.

I'd be distancing myself.

Her kid will be the one to suffer over her pushiness.

Thanks all for the words of wisdom. I did text back along the lines of corbyns response. (Before loads of people said not to reply!)

She texted back basically saying she'll have a word with him not to 'play rough' with kids who don't want to - she's sure he didn't hit him intentionally as that's 'not like him' but said 'of course no one really knows what goes on in the playground' (!)

So I'm going to leave it at that. I don't think I'll get through to her. The teachers know and are keeping an eye on it.

As someone said maybe this boy will grow up to be lovely and learn how to deal with friendships etc and maybe Ds will want to hang out with him then so I want to keep the door open.

Thanks again people. Nothing like a Monday morning stress....!

I'd say don't feel too negatively about her, just ignore the emotional blackmaily texts as she's probably in a bit of denial about her ds. Be thankful you don't have to deal with a child like that.

I think that's about the best outcome you could have got op. If the boy was upset at not being invited (I doubt there were the hysterics described!) then at least now he has the chance to reflect on and maybe change his behaviour.

I’ve been on the other side of this with my DD1 (8). She’s thought she’s had really good friends then they didn’t invite her to their parties or want to play at our house. One of them is basically the sister of my DD2’s best friend (both of them are 5). It’s very hard because she lacks social skills and the complaint that ‘she’s following me around’ is a one I’ve heard a few times.

But I’m not saying you should invite this boy. He needs help with his social skills but that’s the responsibility of his parents and the school. Your responsibility is your DS and giving him a lovely birthday party.

How did she know about the party in the first place?

I think also she was a fool to tell him on a Monday morning before school (if she did, which I doubt).

Surely if you have news that you think your DC will struggle with you pick the right time and place.

She's a CF. Ignore her.

OP I think you've done good. But the clingy/rough bit from the other boy does have a problem. It's either social and he needs his parents and school to step up, or ADHD, but ditto. Sounds like one of my nephews who was diagnosed later, but couldn't understand why he wasn't liked. His parents became both defensive and assertive to try to help their son. It's not up to you.

Mittens - sorry to hear about your dd. Yes I'm quite aware at the end of the day it's just a kid. And I hate seeing kids upset. We spent ages talking to Ds about not excluding people. Hope she is much happier now

And thanks again corbyn. I think you're right. It's probably the best outcome.

Greyhound - she said she heard from another mum and assumed it was an all class party but they hadn't got the invite. I don't know what to make of that as I spoke to all the mums invited and said it was a small do. In fact anyone who knows Ds will know how much he hates big parties! I spoke to the mum she's talking about only last week and we chatted about how it's only a small party and only 8 are coming from the class...so I don't know why she said that
Ds has been told that as not everyone is invited not to boast or tease anyone as it might upset them.

I agree, I thought Corbyn's suggestion was great and it sounds like she's taken it pretty well under the circs. Well done OP!

There won't be a school gate gossip factory about you, it takes 2 to make a conversation.

It’s staggering how the advice and reaction on this thread is virtually the opposite to Rose’s birthday party dilemma despite the immense similarities! As a few others mentioned, poor Rose’s feelings were dismissed and the OP got a lot of stick about apparently trying to exclude another child. I cannot believe that little girls are still expected to put their own feelings and wishes aside and are guilt-tripped, yet when it comes to a little boy in the same situation, the reaction is unanimously in his favour. Sad! That said, I do agree that his wishes should be respected. As it should have been for little Rose.

I think when a child is excluding another it's a perfect time for the parent to step in and override them rather than 'respecting their feelings'.

Some flexibility in the above when there's a group of people being excluded due to cost and numbers.

LLove the op ds, is only having 8 kids to the party, some of which are from his old nursery. So there will be plenty of kids in his class not going. He is having a small party with a few kids he is close to. If he does not like this boy, he does not have to have him. They are not from the same friendship group or anything. Just a random in his class. His mum should be preparing him to be more resilient, as not all kids will be invited to every party, even if they occasionally play with the party child.

She knew it was his birthday, probably asked the other mother if she knew whether your child was having party etc.

She was just fishing for an invite.

I think she also lied about saying she had told him that morning and he was crying to try to guilt trip you!

I am glad you have stood firm.

Honestly as they get older the parties all get smaller and the first time is the hardest. Just always stick with the - limited numbers, DS chose and shrug!

Does the pushy child maybe have something like ADHD?