Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Party invite aargh

105 replies

Partyinvite · 05/11/2017 19:28

Name changed for this as I don't want the other mum finding out!

Yr1 ds has a party soon. Very small as he doesn't like crowds and whole class parties. So 8 (out of 30) from the class, 2 old nursery friends.

There's a boy in the class who was friends with ds a bit. But in reception it was very up and down. He Is quite physical (Ds hates anything pushy and shovey) then when Ds distanced himself he got quite clingy. I don't know how else to describe it but Ds would come home and say things like - he won't let me talk to my friends' and 'he always follows me around' I saw him pull Ds and a friend apart when they were hugging. And shoving another friend away when he was talking to Ds. I also saw him have full on fist fights with another boy in the classroom at drop off.

Anyway. We spoke to the teacher and things calmed down on our front.

It was this boys birthday recently and Ds said he didn't want to go as 'he hits me'. Fine. We made an excuse.

This term other mums have asked me if I had trouble with him as now their kids are coming home with bruises. The boy still plays with Ds and Ds friends occasionally.

Now it's Ds birthday. He chose who to invite. This boy did not make the list. We spoke about excluding people and he was adamant he didn't want him.

Now the boys mum has texted me asking if her son is invited.

Ds is really confusing. He admits he plays with him but doesn't really like him. And still insists he doesn't want him at the party. We asked why and he said he didn't want him to hurt him or start a fight with his friends.

I hate excluding - especially as they do seem to actually play together! But at the same time he doesn't want him at the party (and doesn't want to do play dates either!)

Pleeeeeaase help. DH and I are going round in circles.

Sorry for the mammoth post

OP posts:
ArcheryAnnie · 06/11/2017 08:56

I agree with everyone saying that you shouldn't invite this boy just to avoid awkwardness - it's totally OK to say "no, sorry - we're keeping it very small this year as DS finds too many overwhelming".

But I don't think it was rude for the other mum to ask. This board is full of threads with people complaining that other parents haven't RSVP'd, or talked to them in any way, and people often respond that kids aren't very good at passing on invitations. So for a mum who (however mistakenly) believes that two kids are friends to clarify seems pretty sensible. As long as she accepts that the answer might be "no" and doesn't get the hump.

MrsPringles · 06/11/2017 08:58

Jeez, she’s a nightmare.

Stand strong OP 💪🏼

MrsMozart · 06/11/2017 09:03

Always difficult when trying to work out who are 'proper' friends and who aren't at this age. I hope it all calms down today.

ItsNiceItsDifferentItsUnusual · 06/11/2017 09:05

She’s fucking cheeky.

Actually I would have to reply to that second text. No way would she be creating her own narrative about poor little excluded Johnny.

Hi CF Mum, as mentioned we’re only having a few friends this year, not all of them from school. Sorry he’s upset but he’s by no means being singled out here and I don’t believe he and ds play together often these days. Hope he feels better soon.

Butterymuffin · 06/11/2017 09:07

Be honest now. Tell her that while they do play together, your DS says he gets hit and kicked by her DS and didn't want to invite him for that reason.

Catwithglasses · 06/11/2017 09:08

Not at this stage yet (dreading it), but I'd have been tempted to give her your son's words 'didn't want him to hurt him or start a fight with his friends. ' Even if your son has he wrong interpretation of what this boy wants, it makes it clear to the mother that there is an issue to be dealt with - which possibly could rectify future issues.

By kindly lying (which I'd be more likely actually do) it just lengthens the issue, as appears to have happened.

FitBitFanClub · 06/11/2017 09:08

Wasn't the thread a few weeks ago slightly different, in that the whole class was invited? This only involves a few from the class, so puts a different slant on things.

MassDebate · 06/11/2017 09:12

I feel a bit sorry for the other mum tbh (although am amazed at her brass neck). How many times have we had a thread on here from the pov of the mum with that child who doesn't get invited? Don't you think it would be kind to explain it to her? I mean, I know it's not your problem but you can see why she (and her son) are upset if he genuinely (even if misguidedly) believes your DS to be a good friend.

Original poster
Partyinvite · 06/11/2017 09:14

Thanks for all the advice. It really means a lot. I don't deal with confrontation well and this is starting to feel like it'll end in one!

I saw the boy at drop off with his dad and he seemed fine. He was running around and playing with a friend so not sure what to make of all that. His dad didn't speak to me but he never does.

Yes to be honest I don't know whether blunt honesty might be the best way. I'm certainly not getting anywhere being subtle and trying to save feelings.

I also hate the fact she will go around saying nasty old me didn't invite one of the friendship group. (I spoke to a few of the mums of Ds closest friends and they all said their DC wouldn't miss this boy if he wasn't invited as they'll all had some trouble with him lately)

OP posts:
Whocansay · 06/11/2017 09:15

I'd just ignore that text. If she wants to make a big deal of it to her son, that is her poor judgement. Don't be bullied into inviting her DS. She's an utter idiot.

Original poster
Partyinvite · 06/11/2017 09:15

Massdebate - I have absolutely no doubt she is aware of her son's behaviour as she's been present when he has pushed and shoved other kids. He has had proper rolling on the floor punching and kicking fights with other boys in the classroom and had to be pulled apart. And other parents have gone to the teacher to complain about bruises. This is not a sudden change. It has been since the start of reception.

OP posts:
CorbynsBumFlannel · 06/11/2017 09:18

I think I'd reply with 'Sorry he's upset. I've just asked ds again and he doesn't want to change the list. He says x has been hitting him and the other boys so I don't think they're great friends at the moment unfortunately. Hopefully they will start getting along better soon.' The subtext being tell your child to stop being a bully and he might get invited to some parties.

CorbynsBumFlannel · 06/11/2017 09:22

If you mean the thread with 'Rose' there were just a few invited to that too but the mum ended up being talked into giving 'Rose' a chance. No update since the party.

ArcheryAnnie · 06/11/2017 09:24

Good lord, I missed the "crying his eyes out" update - that really is CF territory, OP, and I withdraw my earlier statement!

domesticslattern · 06/11/2017 09:31

Ignore the text. You have given her the information she needs about the party and there is no more discussion to have.
Hopefully in a year or two she will be a bit more resilient and realise she was being utterly bonkers.

GrapesAreMyJam · 06/11/2017 09:32

This reply has been deleted

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

mindutopia · 06/11/2017 09:33

I think that's really cheeky of her to text and ask if her ds is invited to a party she has never received an invitation for. I would be honest and say you aren't inviting everyone and unfortunately he isn't invited and you hope she can understand that. Your ds is old enough to make decisions for himself about who he feels comfortable having there on his special day and I wouldn't be inviting a whole class of 30, so makes good sense that you limit it to close friends.

Goldmandra · 06/11/2017 09:34

My sensible head says just ignore the last text but a little bit of me would want to reply saying it was nice to see that he had cheered up by the time he got to school.

You're doing the right thing by setting the boundaries firmly at this stage. She sounds like the sort who would push you into doing this at some point anyway so it might as well be now.

CiderwithBuda · 06/11/2017 09:38

Really difficult it I think you have done th right thing in sticking to not inviting him. I would however let the mum know gently why your DS doesn't want him there. CorbynsBumFlannel's reply is good.

DS had similar in reception and Year 1 with one particular boy. The boy ended up kicking DS in the stomach and winding him. I was livid. Went in to teacher etc. The added difficulty was that I was friendly with the boy's mum. She spoke to me and said they were trying to sort his behaviour. And after a while he was so much better. Turned into a lovely boy and we had him regularly for play dates and sleep overs. In fact his first sleepover was at ours as other mums were a bit wary. His mum was so grateful that we asked him and he was chuffed.

It does depend on the parents acknowledging the behaviour and trying to change it though.

littlebird7 · 06/11/2017 09:42

It is just a small celebration, so you are being completely truthful when you reply and say you are not doing a party this year and that your ds has just a few close friends coming over. Thank her for remembering your ds birthday and wish her a great weekend. End of.

If it a big class party or larger than the one you are describing that would be different, it doesn't even sound like they are particularly good friends (although I wonder if she sees it differently?) I wouldn't worry she should not have texted you demanding an invite in the first place!

littlebird7 · 06/11/2017 09:46

grapes

The Rose thread was totally different because their friendship group extended to years and year all the way back to nursery and Rose was clearly one of a very small closely knit group of girls that spent all of their time together.

This however is a school friendship not of the same length of time or meaning. Just a bunch of boys that sometimes hang out, mostly do not. They are not a small tightly knit group of just a few where leaving one out would seem very bad.

I don't think you can compare the two.

Original poster
Partyinvite · 06/11/2017 09:49

Thank you everyone.

Corbynsbumflannel. That's just perfect thank you. I think I'll send something like that

CiderWithBuda - yes that makes perfect sense. I am trying to be careful as the boy is only six. They're all learning about friendships etc. I don't want to label him as 'bad' and stick that to him for the rest of his life! I do think (having seen the mum deal with him) that the biggest problem will be getting her to realise there is an issue.

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 06/11/2017 09:54

I would just ignore the texts, otherwise you will add fuel to the fire. She sounds a right drama Lama. With the Rose party, it was op who have Rose another chance. Many people were saying the same, not to invite her. To text tge mum to tell her that the girls don't play together much, and numbers are limited. With Roses mum, she was not as pushy and forward as this mum is.

GrapesAreMyJam · 06/11/2017 09:54

This reply has been deleted

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

JingsMahBucket · 06/11/2017 09:59

The advice on this thread versus the Rose thread is remarkable. Talk about sexism in action. Over the course of 800 different posts poor Rose and her mum were being pressured to try to make friends with a girl who was hitting her while almost every one here says to exclude the boy. This is wholly interesting.