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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to buy Christmas presents?!

28 replies

Diaryofalways87 · 05/11/2017 11:29

My DP has just announced that we need to "start telling people we're not buying Christmas presents this year" Hmm something I have not agreed to. I agree money is going to be tight this year. We have a baby due January, moved into a house 9 months ago and he has decided he needs a new car, which we are currently hunting for.

However, he has upset me mainly as he singled out my parents, saying I spend too much on them (usually £40-50 each). However, my mum has done free childcare for us since DD1 was born. They help us a lot both financially and with things like moving house etc.

AIBU to want to buy Christmas presents for close friends and family? I agree maybe we should tell our grandparents not to buy us anything and we won't in return. But to not buy anyone anything seems like such a grinchy thing to do?! I don't know whether I am upset because I'm pregnant and hormonal or whether I am justified. I feel like Christmas is going to be rubbish now, because he's going to be a grump if I buy presents :(

OP posts:
IrritatedUser1960 · 05/11/2017 11:31

Quite honestly if your parents have done all those things for you you should buy or make them something, I think your husband is being most unreasonable, it's fine not to buy for the rest of the family but for people who have suported you like that.....really? have a stern word with him and ask him how he would feel if they withdrew childminding or wanted the money they gave you back.

Gammeldragz · 05/11/2017 11:33

Compromise. Halve the budget?
I spend £10-15 per person for family at Christmas. More for birthdays but not much more. They know we don't have much money.

Jaxhog · 05/11/2017 11:35

So, it's ok to buy a car for HIM, but not ok to buy presents for your family who provide free childcare and money?

I'd compromise. You buy presents for your family, but not for him.

kittytom · 05/11/2017 11:38

Still buy presents but halve it. You can buy something nice for £20 or something worth £40 in a sale. Next year you could be on the look out for these all year round. That is what a clever friend of mine does!

TheNoselessProjectOfTheUndead · 05/11/2017 11:41

Op cost out that childcare for him it may bring him up short. I pay £5 an hour for a childminder. It’ll make £20/30/40 quid pressie pale into insignificance. Or make something? Are you a good baker/knitter/sewing/photographer?

rollingonariver · 05/11/2017 11:43

I would start making hampers maybe?
That’s what I’m doing this year. It’s now because you’ve clearly put in a lot of effort and it can be quite cheap Smile
I think your DP is being massively unreasonable and mean. How much more would it cost if you were paying your parents for childcare? Buying them something nice is almost a ‘thank you’ maybe explain this to your DP. I get he’s trying to save money but in the grand scheme of things £40 isn’t a lot.

SheRaaarghPrincessOfPower · 05/11/2017 11:45

If my partner told me I couldn't buy Christmas presents for my mum and dad, I'll tell him where to go.

A discussion about spending a bit less, as you're going to be short of money would be entirely reasonable, but just deciding something like this isn't on.

CocoPuffsinGodMode · 05/11/2017 11:46

Yanbu at all. As you’ve said your parents provide a lot of practical support as well as childcare, has he forgotten about this or does he just take them completely for granted Hmm?

If a new car is affordable then gifts for your parents should be within budget too. It would be different if you were buying for dozens of extended family members but not buying for your parents when you always have in the past and they provide so much support seems mean. Have you pointed all this out to him?

YellowMakesMeSmile · 05/11/2017 12:06

I'd tell him fine no presents but that you won't be taking free childcare either so no new car and likely lots of other things have to go.

I'd be very hurt that he thought it ok to take their financial and physical help and not want to even get them a Christmas present. I'd have to rethink if that was the kind of person I wanted to be with, the answer would be no.

Original poster
Diaryofalways87 · 05/11/2017 12:08

Yes I did point out to him that they do a lot for us and I am buying them gifts as a thank you. And don't get me started on this bloody car he's getting! He does travel for work so needs a "safe car". Apparently that means he has to buy a Mercedes Hmm

I am sticking to my guns about my parents. If he doesn't want to buy anything for his that's fine. They don't help us out really.

Thank you all for making me feel sane again. I know Christmas has become very commercial, but it's also a lot of fun and I look forward to it now that we have DD.

If he brings it up again I will just tell him he's welcome to tell his family we're not doing presents for them, but that's just not how we roll in my family. If we can afford a Mercedes we can afford £20-30 gifts for loved ones.

OP posts:
wobblywonderwoman · 05/11/2017 12:11

A Mercedes!!!

What will it look like after your parents giving you money and saving a fortune on childcare. It will look grabby and selfish. I don't even feel 50 is enough

Original poster
Diaryofalways87 · 05/11/2017 12:23

I know! I genuinely don't understand how he doesn't see how ridiculous he is sometimes!

OP posts:
CocoPuffsinGodMode · 05/11/2017 12:24

He needs a Merc?? Wow. Ok I already thought he was BU but bloody hell, who on earth tells their parents they can’t afford to do Christmas gifts as they’ve always done in the past and then drives away in their Mercedes Shock.

Op I know this is only a snapshot and I’m not trying to over analyze but if he’s generally inclined to make solo decisions about how money is spent do you need to have a conversation about that? You mention having dd and you’re due a baby soon so presumably you won’t be earning for a while. I’d want to be sure there isn’t some notion of “well it’s my money so I get to decide” going on there.

ILoveMillhousesDad · 05/11/2017 12:27

Glad you have decided to tell the cheeky bastard to piss off.

MatildaTheCat · 05/11/2017 12:33

I’m actually very much in favour of reducing the mad extravaganza of Christmas spending but this is different. I would tell extended family that you are going to not buy/ have a small budget this year due to the baby etc. They will probably be relieved. Your parents certainly do deserve a decent gift. Buy whatever you like. Something strong and German?

And remind him he is not your boss?

schoolgaterebel · 05/11/2017 13:43

Your DH is buying himself a Mercedes but doesn't want you to buy your parents (who offer free childcare) Christmas gifts.

Are there underlying issues with their relationship? I find it hard to understand this level of selfishness.

Angrybird345 · 05/11/2017 13:54

Trade your dh in!

JennyBlueWren · 05/11/2017 13:56

I can understand cutting the gift budget if you're cutting your budget in general. I buy a lot of things in charity shops -you can get brand new stuff (ex-gifts probably) or just good quality things. I've never not given presents, just toned it down. People have been just as pleased.

0nTheEdge · 05/11/2017 13:57

Wow, he is being massively unreasonable! If my husband made the same suggestion, I'd tell him to get a cheaper car if he wanted to save money. To not get presents for people who help you out so much just seems so unappreciative and disrespectful. As PP said, save cash by not buying him one, see how he likes it.

JennyBlueWren · 05/11/2017 13:57

Oh and get DD to make them cards. You don't say how old she is but last year DS was 1 and a half and I got a pack of card and got him to scribble on it with gold and silver pens. The effect on dark card (black, blue, green and red) was really effective. I then chopped it and wrote a message in each. Made it really personal.

rollingonariver · 05/11/2017 22:25

So essentially he’s funding his Mercedes using the money you save on childcare? But you can’t buy them a present to say thank you Confused

honeyroar · 05/11/2017 23:08

So he can buy himself a merc but he can't buy presents for people who look after his kids for free! Selfish bugger! I'd wipe the floor with him. Tell him he'll have to lower his expectations - they're getting presents and he's getting a Micra, and you think it will reflect his personality. And tell him you'll throw in a personal reg that spells out Scrooge for him while you're at it.

FlouncyDoves · 05/11/2017 23:14

I’m tryong to reduce our Christmas and birthday spend. We’ve gotten to the point where my SIL and BIL and is just pass cards to each other with £30 in. Might just as well keep the money in your own bank account and give a card.

I’d love us to move to a secret Santa type thing where you buy a decent gift for one person out of the group.

43percentburnt · 05/11/2017 23:26

www.carbuyer.co.uk/reviews/recommended/uks-safest-new-cars

No need to buy a Merc - a Nissan micro has an ncap rating of 5. So does an insignia. Spend the rest on prezzies!

I hope he has insisted you have a safe car too presuming the children travel in your car sometimes?

Whatthefoxgoingon · 05/11/2017 23:31

He’s a complete twat.

I’d tell him to stick that Merc where the sun don’t shine. Your parents should get a merc for a present for doing so much childcare!

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