To think she is the selfish one and should consider me too?

[BlueButTrue]

On the phone to my DM, all very exciting as she’s asking what time I’m going in for my planned section next Monday.

So she says “So when can I come up and see him?”

I said “Not sure Mum as I don’t know how I feel. I feel as if I will feel quite vulnerable at the time so not sure about visitors yet”

“Right, so I can’t come up and see him yet/you can’t tell me when?”

I said “I really don’t know, I’m not doing it to be selfish”

She says “I don’t care how you feel, I want to see my grandson”

I said “I think you’re being quite selfish, it isn’t all about my DS, I don’t know how it will be”.

She says “What if I hadn’t let you come up to see your DB when he was born?”

Me: “Well it wouldn’t be my choice, and that was some years ago (well only 3 years ago but still).

She says “Okay well I’m hanging up because I’m pissed off and you’re the selfish one”

That’s it, she hanged up.

AIBU?

Perhaps I am it is her first GC.

I feel quite vulnerable as it is, suffering quite badly from antenatal depression and trying to get to grips the best I can. The closure of just me and DH at hospital as the plan for now was quite good closure but now I just feel like a selfish cow.

Amen to that remainoptimistic.

Your mum was out of order for her statement about not being there for you. Your nan is out of order for acting like that is normal. It could be that your mum is just worried about you needing a section which is major abdominal surgery and just didn't say the right thing.

You being upset about what she said is entirely reasonable and you deciding who you want to see and when you want to see them really is a decision just for you.

I do wonder why, if your mum is usually supportive and you have a good relationship, why you don't want her there. You are only 18 so although an adult quite young.

My ex was controlling and manipulative, when I had my first he told everyone not to visit me the day after I gave birth saying I didn't want to be disturbed. I sat there in a ward with lots of other mums proudly showing off their babies to family and friends. When I asked why no one had come he told me that he'd said not to come at all that day. I had to tell him I wanted my family and friends to visit so they came in the evening.

Not saying that this applies to you just wondered where the decision to not just say 'you can come at first visiting mum' came from.

Your grandma's message is very distorted, it's typical in families where parents get away with unkind behaviour.

"Don't be silly of course she cares about you"..."Just remember a mother's love is unconditional no matter what you always need your mum"

She doesn't address your mum's unkind statement at all, just trots out platitudes about mothers' love in general. Those statements are true for many mothers, but its blatantly obvious that they don't apply to all mothers. And for many, it's somewhere in between, that they feel love for you in their own way, but they can't necessarily love you as an adult in a healthy, supportive way. For these types of situations, it's really fine to set boundaries with your family.

Blue I hated visitors and after a week of putting up with their constant ins and outs and me running about making a brew whilst trying to establish bf and getting comments like “he cant possibly be hungry again” I told them all to fuck off on no uncertain terms!!!

Im quite introverted and my family can be exceptionally lazy with contact so going from that to the above was really hard on me mentally. I did cause friction but I honestly didn’t give a flying f at that point as I ended up that weekend at hospital with him having a D&V bug which had either been passed to him from visitors or I suppose mw or hv as his dad and I were fine. It was stressful and this time round they can come say there hellos if they do wish then they can p off lol.

how is evryone going on about how they want their mum there and its normal etc helping

she doesnt want people there its her choice

if her mum said it in error why hasnt she apollogised

Thing is my hospital has separate theatres for emergency and non emergency. She knows this

Ours does too. It's not unusual to have simultaneous emergencies.

It's also not unusual to have an elective case just about to have her spinal anaesthetic and we have to stop for an emergency case. We apologise and they have always been understanding. Not ideal, but the emergency will always take precedence.

I do wonder why, if your mum is usually supportive and you have a good relationship, why you don't want her there. You are only 18 so although an adult quite young

I’m not 18. And I don’t feel the need to have her there because I have my supportive husband there?

Honestly, I just want some time with just myself, baby and DH. Without my mum there too.

To me, husband and baby are my immediate family now and I just want to be with them for a little while

I feel as if my DNan is just hush hushing my mum’s behaviour and I don’t think her comment was fair at all

Is it that your Mum, who only gave birth herself 4 years ago, wants to be a Mum, but not a granny. By going through the experience alongside you (I am guessing she can’t be more than mid 40s herself) she can think of it as “her” baby. Possibly the reality of being a granny is a bit much so she is getting overly involved. Difficult dynamic when she was pregnant herself so recently.

Well as a woman who's just given birth albeit 4 years ago she should be well aware that 'mom' and how she feel when is equal to if not more important than the baby?

I’m not 18.

You are splitting hairs a bit. You are about 18/19 going by what you have posted about your and your DBro age. That is young to be married with a DC.

Ahh, I knew revealing my age would cause some raised eyebrow questions.

I have to say, DM took my marriage and moving to a different county in her stride. She’s very lovely and funny, but also very dizzy at times. The worrier is my DNan - Of whom bottles things in.

I’m 19 going on 20.

DBrother was born to her when she was 43.

She’s delighted to be Nanny and has said things like “You know, I think it’s true that you sometimes love GC more than your own”. We as a family do try and take her comments with a pinch of salt

Really though, she’s been incredible and not an ounce of worry has plagued her really, I know what she’s like. She’s just extremely excited but she still needs to remember my feelings, none the less