To think she is the selfish one and should consider me too?

[BlueButTrue]

On the phone to my DM, all very exciting as she’s asking what time I’m going in for my planned section next Monday.

So she says “So when can I come up and see him?”

I said “Not sure Mum as I don’t know how I feel. I feel as if I will feel quite vulnerable at the time so not sure about visitors yet”

“Right, so I can’t come up and see him yet/you can’t tell me when?”

I said “I really don’t know, I’m not doing it to be selfish”

She says “I don’t care how you feel, I want to see my grandson”

I said “I think you’re being quite selfish, it isn’t all about my DS, I don’t know how it will be”.

She says “What if I hadn’t let you come up to see your DB when he was born?”

Me: “Well it wouldn’t be my choice, and that was some years ago (well only 3 years ago but still).

She says “Okay well I’m hanging up because I’m pissed off and you’re the selfish one”

That’s it, she hanged up.

AIBU?

Perhaps I am it is her first GC.

I feel quite vulnerable as it is, suffering quite badly from antenatal depression and trying to get to grips the best I can. The closure of just me and DH at hospital as the plan for now was quite good closure but now I just feel like a selfish cow.

Hmmm it’s all very well Nan wading in but it does rather feel like 2 against 1 doesn’t it? You are very young but you ARE an adult. You get to choose. Have your DP & MW help you with this.

fc301 I’m not a young person in a sense that I have that sort of mentality. I pay bills, work a professional job and I have a husband - I don’t think that’s the issue. It’s the fact that it’s the first GC and everyone is very excited.

Which is all well and good, but I should be considered too. Do I not count? Or am I just there as a means to get the exciting new baby out?

A lot of mums are with their dd when they give birth, especially the first time, so I don’t think it’s unreasonable for her to expect to be their soon after he is born. It’s only really in recent years that people have wanted to keep the first few days/weeks more private, I had my mum, mil, my boss and my next door neighbour all visit within the hour after DD1! To be honest, at the time, it was a bit much, but I have fond memories of it now.

You count. You matter. You do not deserve the treatment you are currently receiving 💐

Only on MN would a grandparent asking when she can see her grandchild be considered 'actively cruel'

Find out from your hospital what the policy on visitors is and how soon you will be brought down from recovery. At my hospital you are kept in recovery for up to 4 hours before being taken down to the ward (that is a relatively new thing, changed since I had DC 1 & 2) and only partners and siblings on the first day. My mum brought the older 2 over so I asked if she could pop in and they said if I was OK. I think the big difference with my mum is that she wanted to make sure I was OK - I might be in my forties but I'm still her baby girl!

Hospital staff are generaĺly very supportive about who you want there or not. When d's was born someone was cleaning me post cs when ILs showed up. She asked if they were there for me and I said jokingly 'well not really, they're here for him' nodding and looking lovingly at ds. Theydidnt let them in until DH came by a few minutes later to my embarrassment

You’ve nothing to feel bad about. Your baby, your way. But just be ready for her turning up anyway. That’s what my parents did on more than one occasion (I’ve had 4). To them my preference wasn’t valid unless it tallied with theirs!

At this point for the sake of your sanity, its white lie time.
The hospital have got in a bit of a muddle and have had to reschedule my section for (a few days later than planned), your welcome to meet us there as soon as you want. Once baby is born and you're ready for the family to know. There was a last minute cancellation and they were able to squeeze me on that first day after all. Would you like to come see your grandchild.
It will take the pressure off you.

I can’t imagine not wanting my mam there either, but I’m not the OP, so how I felt about my family during my pregnancy and birth is totally irrelevant.

Equally, I can’t imagine being angry with pregnant daughter for wanting to do what she needs to feel safe and secure while suffering antenatal depression, and having surgery and recovering. If. Y Daughter said she wasn’t sure, I may be disappointed but it’s not about me. I’d say there’s no rush, that she comes first and ill be there as soon as she wants.

Got to say, my mum was straight up after my sections and I was excited to show her the baby. MIL didn’t show up for 3 days. It’s nice that she’s excited and wants to be there, but, ultimately, it’s your baby and your birth, you are right in being clear about what you want.

My planned section was cancelled. They sent me home from the hospital at 5pm with my little suitcase and told me they would be intouch.
Now this is rare but it does happen. What a shame if it were to happen to you too.

No, I don't think that she is being selfish, a little dramatic, but she will settle down. It is a big deal to have somebody you love have an operation and also big deal to have a baby. I don't know why you wouldn't want your mother to be able to see her grandchild and to be there to support your dh and to see for herself that you, her own dd, is ok.

You’re having a major surgical procedure. Even with everything going well with it it takes hours before you feel ready to deal with other people, at least I did. Between waiting for the epi to wear off, feeding the baby and getting cleaned up, the last thing I needed was the pressure of knowing other people wanted to come and see us/baby.
We had no one come to the hospital because there was no need. It’s not like the baby is going to go stale if they don’t meet them for a couple of days!

Some of this rightly or wrongly maybe because of when your DB was born. Did you ask to see them afterwards or did you just go to the hospital?

YANBU!!
I completely understand how you feel. Our son was born Monday after me being induced Sunday night. We didn't even tell anyone I was going in and announced his birth a couple of hours later. I absolutely do not regret doing this as I felt like crap and my DM really stresses me out! I was in hospital for 2 nights in the end. DM did visit the first day in the end but my DH had to give her a bit of a talking to on the way up to the ward.
Luckily my family were fine with it. Plus I'm not close to DM so that might be a contributing factor.

Sorry, but telling the heavily pregnant OP who's struggling with antenatal depression to get on the stately homes thread to explore how "very toxic" her mum is, because they've had a huffy phone call at a high pressure time, is not on. It seems pretty clear that OP's family loves her to bits; there are no families where people don't sometimes get wound up and fall out with each other. You can't just write people off as toxic if not all of their interactions are optimal.

OP, if I were you I would maybe text your mum and just say sorry if you were short on the phone, you're just nervous, and you can't wait for her to meet the baby. I know you shouldn't have to be the one apologising but personally I'd rather not be fallen out at this point; you don't need it. "I don't care about you" is a horrible thing to say in a row but it also clearly isn't true and who hasn't said horrible things in a row?

YANBU, they’re being selfish by demanding to see him asap baring in mind your depression and potential stress/feelings on the day. You have already expressed your discomfort - they should be more understanding

It’s not a typical circumstance so I’m not sure why people are giving you a hard time for not immediately wanting them there? Not everyone has perfect family relationships you know. I’m sure if OP’s mother was an amazing stress reliever/birthing partner like yours she would want her there no question?

No, I don't think that she is being selfish, a little dramatic, but she will settle down. It is a big deal to have somebody you love have an operation and also big deal to have a baby. I don't know why you wouldn't want your mother to be able to see her grandchild and to be there to support your dh and to see for herself that you, her own dd, is ok

I would 100% agree IF she hadn’t of said the sentence “I don’t care about you, I want to see my Grandson”

To me that speaks volumes and confirms she’s only interested in DS. She’s said this before when I mentioned early in the pregnancy (when I was going to go naturally), that she isn’t there to see me, she’s there to see DS. This is when I said I was probably going to wait for discharge and to be at home before having people over (providing again that it went smoothly and I wasn’t in there for days, then if I was I would have visitors in hospital).

Some of this rightly or wrongly maybe because of when your DB was born. Did you ask to see them afterwards or did you just go to the hospital?

I was only about 15 when he was born and I didn’t demand at all, I just went up there with my DNan and siblings to meet him and we all went in to see him together (he was in NICU I think for a few days, big baby but quite bad jaundice).

I didn’t ask of anything, I just went where I was said to go by my family

I’d be willing to bet that the separate theatre for planned c-sections would still be used for emergency c-sections if there was an unusually high number of emergencies.

Anyway. It’s a shame your mum already knows the date of your c-section, I’d have suggested telling her it was planned for a day or two later than the actual date. That way you could have gone and had the c-section in peace and later told her some story about them wanting you in earlier than planned. If you can make a lie about them overbooking the theatre and rescheduling your c-section for a day or two later sound plausible (or any other reason for pushing it back), I’d be tempted to do that personally.

Well you know her, and we don't, so you should do what feels best for you and your dp. This should be a happy time for you. Your mother will just have to be understanding and respect your wishes. Is it possible when she said she only cared about seeing the baby that she meant, you do not need to worry about entertaining her, she "just wants to see the baby"...they way people say they are coming to see you not your house, when somebody says their house is a mess type of thing? (sorry for the awkward wording) Meanwhile don't stress as it isn't good for you. :)

I think what she said to you was really horrible and I wouldn't want her there either after that. Those of us who had our mums present when we gave birth, did so knowing that we were our mum's priority - that she was there to support, not just to get her hands on the baby first.
Seemingly your nan has raised your mum to believe that hers are the only feelings that matter - this is not true.
I wouldn't text or call anymore. Try and put this conversation out of your mind so you can focus on the birth. Yy to telling the hospital that your mum is not to be let in without your consent. If you needed a general anaesthetic, I think it would piss you off to wake up and find your mum had already been in and held your baby, so tell your dh that this is not to happen. You are not being selfish or doing wrong to have the birth of your choosing x

Tell DM the planned section date has been moved a few days. Give yourself a break. She sounds like a total narcissist.

Be prepared to totally change the way you see your childhood BTW, my DM is a raving narcissist and I thought oh my childhood wasn't that bad until I had my own DC, oh boy has it all changed now. DM makes disturbing comments about my DC as if they are hers, invites herself to visit regardless of whether or not it's convenient etc. Totally textbook narcissist stuff. I hate how she can't just be a normal mum, she's incapable of seeing how her entitles selfish behaviour affects anyone else. I can't get my head round how she treated me the way she did, looking at my DC it breaks my heart.

Pigeondujour I take on board your point about the depression. I was trying to tread carefully and have only suggested she do that in future.

‘It’s pretty clear they both love her to bits’ ... based on what evidence here? Projection much?

If I am guilty of projecting my own experiences so are others. All these ‘I’d love my mum there’ comments are just so very unhelpful. OP does not. These comments make her feel sad and guilty.