To think she is the selfish one and should consider me too?

[BlueButTrue]

On the phone to my DM, all very exciting as she’s asking what time I’m going in for my planned section next Monday.

So she says “So when can I come up and see him?”

I said “Not sure Mum as I don’t know how I feel. I feel as if I will feel quite vulnerable at the time so not sure about visitors yet”

“Right, so I can’t come up and see him yet/you can’t tell me when?”

I said “I really don’t know, I’m not doing it to be selfish”

She says “I don’t care how you feel, I want to see my grandson”

I said “I think you’re being quite selfish, it isn’t all about my DS, I don’t know how it will be”.

She says “What if I hadn’t let you come up to see your DB when he was born?”

Me: “Well it wouldn’t be my choice, and that was some years ago (well only 3 years ago but still).

She says “Okay well I’m hanging up because I’m pissed off and you’re the selfish one”

That’s it, she hanged up.

AIBU?

Perhaps I am it is her first GC.

I feel quite vulnerable as it is, suffering quite badly from antenatal depression and trying to get to grips the best I can. The closure of just me and DH at hospital as the plan for now was quite good closure but now I just feel like a selfish cow.

Ok OP listen up cos this is important. Everyone on here who is unhelpfully chipping in with how they would love their Mum there ... that’s because they have happy, healthy, well adjusted families. Lucky them that they have no idea how very truly fucking selfish some parents are.
Let’s be clear:
This is your first child
You are booked in for major surgery
Your OWN MOTHER called you selfish and told you outright that she did not care about you, or what you are about to go through. Listen to her words, she is telling you very clearly that what she wants trumps your happiness & health.
Please please from this point on consider only your self, your son and your DP. This is the family you must focus on now. Do not be guilted into capitulating to any demands of hers.
I wish you well with your birth. Do visit us on the Stately Homes thread under Relationships when you are settled and ready to explore how very toxic she is. 💐

fc301 But the thing is, she’s never been this way to me before. I grew up with a very loving relationship with her, I’ve never had any problems with her before so it’s completely out of character.

I just don’t get it

The “I don’t care about you, I want to see my GS” comment really cut though. She just wants him out so she can marvel at him. It’s as if I’m just a baby machine.

I love them to pieces but my DM and DNan won’t have that they’re in the wrong, especially DNan who will insist I’m selfish. There will be no going back from this with her, she won’t see that actually I’m being perfectly reasonable

I forgot to add that all of this reflects very badly on HER. Do not allow anyone to pin it on you.

On the face of it, I suppose I do sound rather selfish. And I suppose those who find out I’ve denied her access immediately will think so too

Especially if she words it as “my daughter doesn’t want me there to see my grandson, she says she doesn’t know ‘how she feels’ and says she’ll ‘see how she feels’

I hope that’s true. Maybe just try and park the issue for now. Try that fantastic MN mantra “I’m sorry, that doesn’t work for me” and repeat x

You are not being selfish ...AT ALL.

You should be happy and content about the circumstances around your birth and if that means no DM around then that is what you should arrange.

I would, however, also consider your relationship with your DM and other family members as well. If you don't want them there when you are in hospital or just home then thats ok but I do think if you give them an actual time and place to see the new baby then you would get a better reaction than a vague "depends".

fc Then if I do that, things will turn very toxic very quickly with my DNan... Who will on fuel my DM because she hates seeing my DM hurt.

I will probably get something along the lines of “Oh fuck off Blue, it’s not all about you. It may be your baby but he’s important to other people too, it’s your own mother and you’re selfish”

But you have control here, she doesn't, she doesn't need to admit she's wrong, you need to do as suggested, delay telling them, let the hospital now you aren't expecting visitors in the hospital

Only ring when ready

Disengage with gran and mother, be a stuck record, I'll let you know when he's here. Repeat

scott I did try the ‘when we are home’ line, this was when I was having a vaginal birth so would’ve likely been out quicker.

It went up like a shit storm...

DNan and DMum were livid

When I had my DD it was my 3rd CS. I had previously had leukaemia (giving birth to my middle child was life threatening).
I lay in bed in the afternoon, immobile. My M leant on the bed rail and said “do you know I’m so tired, I’ve had such a long day”. I shit you not.

fc fucking hell, that’s awful. Sorry to hear it.

My DMum went into the hospital (in her town) once when I was 20ish weeks as I had a big bleed.

She spent the time on her phone mostly and did mention how tired she was quite a few times.

Not quite the same though, not even by a long shot. I certainly didn’t have cancer!

Hmm yeah they both sound pretty toxic TBH. I’m so sorry.

It’s fine. I’ve survived two rounds of leukaemia, now physically healthy.
I’ve survived realising at 45 that actually my parents don’t really care, on my way to being mentally healthy.
Take care of you x

You sound perfectly reasonable to me. I think you handled it all pretty well. Maybe just keep repeating yourself?

Blue the baby vessel feeling is very common. After the baby is born in my experience I became invisible to my in laws. They don't even say hello to me when we meet or good morning when we stay over and it really hurts my feelings. It's all about my baby. Just saying you aren't crazy or alone in feeling as you do

fc301 Thank you

It’s hard to just brand her as selfish sometimes though, as she has done things for me.

For example, she spent that hospital trip on her phone whilst I felt quite anxious through a lot of it, yet I can’t deny that she went out of her way to drive me there and be with me there etc

LondonGirl Sorry your in laws are like that

OP you do need to read up on FOG Fear Obligation and Guilt.

I have a decent relationship with my parents and ILs. However, this is the exact reason why I told no one when my DC1's birth was scheduled. I had my DB on call to contact the baby's GPs if needed. DH and I didn't know how things would go and how I'd be feeling.

OP, your DM and DGM are breathtaking in their self absorption, and I feel very sorry for you. This doesn't bode well for the future relationship and boundaries. In hindsight, would've been better not to tell them when you were scheduled, but judging by what you've posted here you are in a no win situation and would have copped it no matter what you did/do. Good luck with the birth, and with DM / DGM, and congratulations.

Yanbu at all.
As your having elcs then generally it should be assumed you'll be ok and out sooner, and should recover better. However that's general, so it doesn't mean that's how it will go for you. I hope it does go well though.
If your family just don't get it then maybe you could tell them your date has been moved back a few days. When you're ready DH should say that events happened and baby is here.

My mum caused a scene at the hospital when my DS was born because she turned up outside visiting hours and they wouldn't let her see him. Would you he able to say something about visiting hours to put her off for a bit? It went in one ear and out the other with my DM but you never know!

Here is a message passage from just now... I messaged DNan after our phone call because I needed to say and emphasise that I was told she doesn’t care about me...

Her reply shows exactly how it’s hard to put my point across... I feel as if her response (my DNan) isn’t making any sense.

She’s worried so she tells me she doesn’t care about me?

My mum has been the same blue and has been expecting me to wanr her there fir the birth and stuff straight away. She was totally put out when I told her I didn't want people here until i was ready.
Your DM needs to know that at the end of the day it's your decision and not hers.
If it's possible, let your care team know that you don't want her there unless you change your mind. I've told my MW that if my mum is to suddenly turn up unexpectedly then she's to be turned away and physically removed if necessary. I don't put it past her to try.

Raise That’s a very good suggestions but DNan and DMum are suggesting she’s there from when I go in and waits around so as soon as he pops out, she can see him