To think she is the selfish one and should consider me too?

[BlueButTrue]

On the phone to my DM, all very exciting as she’s asking what time I’m going in for my planned section next Monday.

So she says “So when can I come up and see him?”

I said “Not sure Mum as I don’t know how I feel. I feel as if I will feel quite vulnerable at the time so not sure about visitors yet”

“Right, so I can’t come up and see him yet/you can’t tell me when?”

I said “I really don’t know, I’m not doing it to be selfish”

She says “I don’t care how you feel, I want to see my grandson”

I said “I think you’re being quite selfish, it isn’t all about my DS, I don’t know how it will be”.

She says “What if I hadn’t let you come up to see your DB when he was born?”

Me: “Well it wouldn’t be my choice, and that was some years ago (well only 3 years ago but still).

She says “Okay well I’m hanging up because I’m pissed off and you’re the selfish one”

That’s it, she hanged up.

AIBU?

Perhaps I am it is her first GC.

I feel quite vulnerable as it is, suffering quite badly from antenatal depression and trying to get to grips the best I can. The closure of just me and DH at hospital as the plan for now was quite good closure but now I just feel like a selfish cow.

Yes, she is being selfish, but she probably can't understand why you are being like this.

It's quite easy to say, the section is booked for... which means we will probably be home on... all going well. So, why don't we aim for you to pop over on... but we can sort it out for definite once we know how we both are post op?

She then feels you want her, but you haven't promised anything...

Do you think it could maybe be about the phrasing/tone? Like, how do you think she'd have reacted if you'd said in an excited way "I'll be calling you as soon as I'm feeling human" or something similar? To be honest, I can see how a first time grandmother might feel disappointed/pushed out if she felt you were being noncommittal. Like others though I'm coming at it from the perspective of a very good/close relationship with my mum which mightn't be the same for you.

Yanbu your wants and needs trump your mothers needs.

From reading your account of the conversation, you used the word selfish twice, and accused your mum of being selfish before she threw the accusation of being selfish back at you. I don't think the issue here is anyone being selfish. You don't know when you want to see anyone after the birth - not selfish. She wants to see her 1st grandson as soon as possible - normal, not selfish. Possibly you have issues communicating with each other and possibly your antenatal depression is affecting your perceptions and responses in dealing with people. I don't know the back story, but if I was a first time grandmum wanting to see my grandchild, I would be hurt if I was accused of being selfish, but would probably be more reasonable if I heard an explanation along the lines of not wanting to tempt fate in case there are issues and you will call asap after the birth.

You should have hung up after she said she didn't care
Why didn't you ?

Your body, your choice , you're in charge

She is hurt but completely unreasonable, especially if she knows you are depressed. And I don’t know if she had a Caesarian but it’s major surgery. It’s quite possible that even things go well, as they will, the advice is no visitors save your partner.

It sounds as though Granny competitiveness has got to her.

Get your partner to ring her, explain that she and your partner’s mum ( if appropriate) will be the very very first invitees, you are both much looking forward to it, but after major surgery it’s impossible to set a time.

i dont care how u feel and people are wondring why op called her selfish?

that would hav been the lat thing they said to me

It’s a stupid discussion really as there are so many unknowns. Even with a planned section you don’t know when you’re having the baby or how long it’ll take or how you’ll be after.

My mum saw DC1 before I did as I’d had an EMCS under GA. My dad and sister saw him later on that day. None of them had any expectations and put no pressure on me. DC2 was an ELCS which was 4 hours later than expected and I saw my parents later that day. Again, no pressure on me. I only committed to getting in touch when we felt ready. I was delighted to see my family but I imagine I’d feel differently if they treated me as a baby vessel not a person.

Well I had my DNan on the phone straight afterwards asking why I’d said I don’t want her seeing her GS

DNan insists she’s just excited because it’s her first and says she should be there when I go in, in the morning, so she can wait for him to be born and be the first after DH to see the baby...

DNan also says Mum will have to book the day off to come and see him and it’s dark now so I should consider this (she will have to drive for a bit over 1 hour as we live a little while away).

I said but what if it was a spontaneous labour, what would she do then? She couldn’t answer.

DMum’s boss is incredibly lenient person and a big family man

Should have included in OP - She called me selfish first. Tried my best to include whole conversation in a nutshell but obviously didn’t include every last word.

Is there a worry that she might bring the 3 year old brother with her?

No, DNan will have the kids. I do know that much

Would it help to point out to her that you’re not guaranteed to get the planned c-section on time?

If someone in labour suddenly needs an emergency c-section, then that’s going to take priority over a planned c-section that hasn’t been started.

I agree I was booked on the first slot and 2 emergencies went in before me, nobody asked to visit, they just waited for news and then made arrangements, no point making plans if OP has no control over timings

I can't imagine not being happy to have my mum there pretty quickly

Not everyone feels this way and OP didn't say she couldn't visit, just that she counldnt guarantee any thing prior to going into the hospital

Your mum saying she doesn't care how you feel is very telling. I can understand why you are weary that if you aren't feeling well (physically or mentally) having her around might not be helpful.

You aren't being unreasonable and stick with what you've said. Its important to have clear boundaries, particularly when you become a mother as I find you'll be overrun with people telling you what to do.

sorry your family ar nuts

its not mandatory that shs there as soon as u give birth--its hr grandchild not her child

Don't tell anyone you've had your baby until you feel ready for visitors.
If it's relevant, ban your dp from making any announcements too, until you're ready. If anyone has to wait, tough luck.
This is your baby, and your time together.

I’m very close to my parents and was happy for them to visit ASAP after my first as I felt ok and was excited. They came as soon as I got home from hospital a few hours after the birth (and would have come to hospital if I’d stayed).

However, with my second i haemorraghed, I felt really sick, was vomiting and felt terrible. We couldn’t tell them she’d arrived for 4 hours and there’s no way I wanted anyone there at all bar my husband that day. Nothing personal. I didn’t tell any of my friends she’d arrived until 24 hours later as I was starting to improve - I think I’d told everyone 4 hours after the first when I felt better!

You are not being unreasonable at all!

If someone in labour suddenly needs an emergency c-section, then that’s going to take priority over a planned c-section that hasn’t been started.

Thing is my hospital has separate theatres for emergency and non emergency. She knows this

I just feel like I don’t count in the grand scheme of things - like I’m not as important as the baby, the big excitement.

DH insists it isn’t normal for a woman with a husband to have her DM waiting in the waiting room, waiting for the baby to pop out so she can see him straight away?

We do have a good relationship usually but as of late, not so much.

She never really calls as much, it’s always my Grandmother checking up but Grandmother would swear blind my DM is the important one.

I moved away from her about 6 months ago now (I now live in DH’s hometown).

I’m only an hour away, but sadly we don’t have a car.

She never really sounds like she wants to talk to me unless it’s something exciting concerning the baby.

I just feel like a baby vessel

She's completely unhinged and likely to drive you away with her demanding behaviour.

Thing is my hospital has separate theatres for emergency and non emergency. She knows this

There's only so many staff to go round

Just text - well let you know when the baby is here and ring later when you feel like it

She’s not usually overbearing and more often than not agree with all of my opinions, from morals to choice of pram

It’s quite odd to have her acting this way. She’s clearly very excited but unfortunately my needs do come first.

DNan is adamant this isn’t fair etc etc and it’s her first GC etc etc... If I reply that I’m the patient, this is major surgery and I will do what I feel most comfortable with, she will say “Oh come on babe, you aren’t being fair. She’s so excited to see DC”

GreenTulips But how do I reply to my DNans argument about my DMum needing to book off the day with work?

I have said to DNan “But what if I was to labour naturally? How would she meet him then? Would she still have to wait the week like you’re suggesting?”

Her boss is incredibly lenient etc and a big family man. She works as a cook in the school alongside him.

He’s never been fussy with her before etc.

Oh come on babe, you aren’t being fair. She’s so excited to see DC

Would she be so excited to see your appendix it gall stones?

Green of course not