To ask how long you should wait between 1st and 2nd DC?

[MsHopey]

Hey. I've been lurking for a while but I don't post very often. Background information, I've been with my husband for 8 years, we're both 25. Hes always wanted children and told me so from the day we met, I said no for many years as I'm the oldest of 8 and knew they could be hard work and wanted to enjoy our time together.
Last year we made the decision to start trying, I got pregnant within 4 months and our little boy is now 13 weeks old. I have never been happier in my life. Husband has always wanted 2 DC, and I already know I want another one.
But how long do most people wait before having a second one? I want them to be close in age so they have things in common (hopefully, I know some kids just don't get on), but also want to leave my body long enough to recover from the first pregnancy (things weren't too bad) and my c section.
How long have other people waited and why?
Please be kind, I've seen how normal sounding posts can get quite nasty, quite fast :)

I had a 2 year gap. With hindsight I’d have preferred a 3 year gap so I didn’t have to get a double pushchair, didn’t have to potty train whilst I had a small baby, had a bit of a break whilst 3yo was at nursery.
Instead I was at home for a year with both of them and it was a very difficult time.

That said, we had no jealousy issues and they are close now, even though they fight loads.

Waited until DD1 was a year old as I was already an older mum and didn't want to assume I'd be able to have a second easily. So many people I know have got pregnant easily the first time and then really struggled for a second. I got pregnant almost straight away and DD2 was born early, so ended up with 20 month gap. Was a tough first year with two in nappies and very little sleep, but they are best of friends now so think the small age gap is wonderful. It's also easier to organise what we do with the days (and holidays) compared to those with big gaps as they are mostly into the same sort of things. It's better for schools too as you end up with both at the same place for longer. Downsides are exhaustion when they are little, double nursery fees, jealousy between them. There's no right answer and even if you decide what you'd like in an ideal world, remember there's no guarantee you get pregnant at the time you chose so there's always an element of uncertainty.

There are 2 years and 4 months between dc1 and dc2 and almost exactly 8 years between dc2 and dc3 (all the same dad, thank you very much to whichever PP it was above ) It's pretty much how I wanted it - smallish gap between the first two and then a bigger gap (which turned out bigger than we'd wanted, as we'd started trying for dc3 when dc2 was four and a half but had recurrent mc, but I never wanted three all close together and deeply admire those who do have that). Anything under about 18 months-2 years I imagine as immensely hard. It was hard work at times with my first two but they have always got on for the most part (and tandem feeding made it easier). From my observations I think 3-5 years is a nice gap.

I should probably caution that the close-in-age thing is no cast-iron guarantee of siblings getting on. I never did with mine, and we're a year apart. Neither is my dh particularly close to his brother (2.8 year gap). SIL, though, is very close to her sister, who's 5 years younger than her.

I always knew I would like at least 3 children so didn't want the 1st two too close together. My friends who had DC1 & DC2 v.close together then left a much longer gap for any more children.

DC1 was 2 yrs & 10 months when DC2 came along. It was great as he was potty trained, could help getting a nappy, feed himself etc. Plus free 15 hours meant I can have time alone with the little one.

I'm aiming for a gap of 2 1/2 yrs for DC3.

I think a +- 2 year gap is pretty common. Personally I think a 3 year gap is ideal as far as managing the baby stage...as dc1 is generally potty trained, verbal and sleeps through at this age and the gap isn't too big. But I've got friends who've got close gaps - 13 months to 18 months and, although the first few years were tough, it's easier later on especially if they're the same gender...

Basically there's no ideal gap! Just do what feels right for you...I have 4 dcs and my gaps are 2 years 7 months, 2 years 5 months and 3 years....my youngest is 5 weeks old and I'm finding the 3 year gap the easiest of them all...but I'm a bit of a control freak and can't handle chaos so too close gaps would've sent me over the edge!

Mine are 20 months apart. I got pg first month of trying for the second (dd was 13 months) and was surprised, was hard when they were younger but they’ve grown up together and have an, on the whole, good relationship. They have quite a few interests in common but are very different personality wise.

It is true that a big gap can be tricky as older kids need to be taken to school and extra curricular activities etc...which is tough with a newborn/baby...I'm constantly rushing around getting my 8 and 5 year olds to things while trying to fit in feeds. Whereas my 3 year old is still at playschool so it's a bit more flexible...

I had 4 c sections and my obstetrician did say it's best to have a 2 year gap at least to let your body recover after a c section...

Ours are two minutes apart. If that hadn't happened, I think we would have planned for about 18 months to 2 years.

3 year gap with two children. Only one in nappies at a time but older child wasn't at school so no pressure to get out in the mornings with a baby (I generally work in the evenings).

Can't plan everything though!

My son is 4 years older than our daughter (now 8 and 4) and it's always been perfect. They play together extremely well and get on most of the time.
I thought initially (when pregnant) maybe it's too big an age gap but now (seeing other siblings as well) think it's maybe more matching personalities rather than age gap.

17 months between mine. I'd do it this way again. They fight and play together beautifully .

A bigger gap wouldn't have worked for us so we went for it sooner rather than later.
(There's a big age gap between me and DH).

Didn't factor in having two tantrumming toddlers, and in a few years two hormonal teens though...

There’s 17 months between my 2 so I was pregnant when my DC1 was 9 months. It was hard work being pregnant with a toddler but I’m more than happy with my decision.

The most important thing for me was that I have cheap childcare so my costs aren’t extortionate but with 2 DC costs can rocket but if you can afford that go for it.

I don't think 4+ years necessarily means fertility issues. More likely both parents want/need to work and can't afford 2x nursery fees. We have almost 5 years between our two and the main reason for that was that we couldn't afford to pay two lots of nursery fees so had to wait for DC1 to start school. I know loads of families with a 4+ age gap for that exact reason.

I have three years.

For me, I would say the fact that they have been at slightly different stages throughout has been the best thing about a three year age gap.

Only one in nappies /pushchair - eldest can help.
Different stages at hobbies = lack of competition. One DD is über competitive, but they recognise there’s enough difference in age to not compete with each other. Or if they do, the three year age gap covers it.

But as they get older, I’m finding that I’ve only got one going through options / GCSEs / A levels at a time, so I can really spend quality time helping that child. I don’t have both needing me for the same thing at the same time. As the children have gotten older, I’ve found this a real blessing.

Right first off, do what’s right for you - not what’s going to make your children “close”. Big age gaps aside, being close in age will not make them close - personality and gender will be far more important here.

This is the most useful post on here really. I had my first at 40, and knew that if I wanted more than one, which I did desperately, then I would have to try and have two close together.

Once I'd had my daughter though I was knocked for six, physically (c section) and mentally, and just couldn't even start contemplating ttc again for at least two years (and she was a ridiculously easy baby and toddler who slept v well). Sadly we've lost two pregnancies this year, and she is almost three, so at the minimum there would be almost a four year gap. I don't worry too much about them being close in age, but I do now feel a certain reluctance to go back to nappies and sleepless nights.

So basically, there is no ideal time, no ideal age gap, and life doesn't always work out how you plan it anyway. If you feel up to it then go for it whenever you want (the free nursery hours are a bonus, if you can time having no. 2 when no. 1 qualifies, but the whole system may have changed again by then anyway).

There are 16 years between my brother and I, and he is just the best big brother anyone could ever ask for, whereas my friend and her brother (two years apart) haven't spoken to each other for ten years. The two year age gap always seems a bit mad to me when you consider having to get them through A levels and GCSEs in the same year!

I think big and small age gaps work differently in terms of closeness. DH has a brother 15 mo younger and another 15 years younger. He and DB1 are very close and have lots of shared memories and mutual friends. Him and DB2 have more like a parent/child relationship but without the angst so they don't have shared references/ memories but they are still close. He is great with the DC and they love having a "young" uncle.

Personally, for me the issue is "how long do you want to be parenting for?" A 15 year age gap is my absolute idea of hell because its' nearly 35 years of parenting a minor, but some people love having young dc so they'd be really happy with it.

I did 22 mo (also have 2 DC) and it worked for me but I do have a lot of help. The first 2 years of 2DC were still hard. DD didn't sleep and it was just hard.

I thought I wanted a small gap but DD is 15 months and I am in no way ready for another, she is still very dependant on me, I think I'm looking at more like 3/4 years now.

If you had asked me when DD was 12 weeks I would have said I would have another within a year. she was an easy baby. Not so much an easy toddler.

We have 4 DC - age gaps 22 months, then 3 years then 4 years. I found bigger gaps with last two easier: only 1 in nappies and the elder child is at a stage where you can have a conversation. And I found it a lot more fun and less exhausting even though I was older and we had more children in the house and the school run etc. I agree with what everyone’s said about not being able to determine closeness just by age of kids - I am closest to my elder brother and that’s the biggest age gap (I am also one of 4).

DS2 was born when DS1 had just turned 4. The only reason was because we couldn't afford 2 children in nursery full-time.
Worked well though - he was old enough to "help", they adore each other and between me and DH we had the full year off, so got to take DS1 to his 1st two terms at school.

Three years between our two. They are almost four and one respectively and already play together which is amazing.

When DS was 18 months I wasn't considering a second one at all as he was such a whirlwind, but by the time he was 2 and a bit he'd calmed down and DD was born just after he turned three.

It seems a good age gap as DS does help with his baby sister (I. E. Please fetch a nappy) and can also be trusted to watch TV unsupervised etc for ten minutes.

Two minutes. Twins. not helpful
Would probably have gone for a couple of years between them if I'd had the choice!

I wouldn't really have wanted a huge age gap - the baby stage is tough and I'm already looking forward to DD being out of nappies and a bit more autonomous!

We have an 18 month gap, the youngest is only a few months old so it's still early days, I'm still getting used to two! Our second came 6-12 months earlier than we would have planned, that was more career and finances related, but my husband and I have said on numerous occasions it's worked out really well. As hard as it is having 2 so small it'll also be lovely watching them grow up together so close in age. We also want another too so with being in our mid 30s already we've given ourselves a bit of breathing space having the next. We plan to have a 2 1/2 year age gap between our youngest and the next one, we would have been hitting 40 if we'd of had a gap between the first and second. (Nothing wrong with having kids at 40, just personal preference!)

Currently pregnant with DC2 and there will be 3 years and 2 months between them. I knew I wouldn't have handled a second baby any sooner than 3 years apart, to be honest. I knew I wanted another but I couldn't have done 2 years. It's nice knowing we're getting the terrible twos, potty training etc out of the way before this one comes along and I also wanted my first DC to have at least a little understanding of what was happening, and to be able to be excited about becoming a big sister. I essentially didn't want to have two babies at the same time, which I think before they get towards 2 and a half/3, they very much still are. Seeing how much my first DC has changed in six months from her 2nd birthday to now is amazing, so I know in another 6 months she will be totally different again! We also couldn't have had two in paid childcare and my DD will get her free 30 hours a week next year and start pre-school.

At the end of the day, age gaps won't dictate closeness. Personality very much determines how kids get on and play together in my experience.