To ask how long you should wait between 1st and 2nd DC?

[MsHopey]

Hey. I've been lurking for a while but I don't post very often. Background information, I've been with my husband for 8 years, we're both 25. Hes always wanted children and told me so from the day we met, I said no for many years as I'm the oldest of 8 and knew they could be hard work and wanted to enjoy our time together.
Last year we made the decision to start trying, I got pregnant within 4 months and our little boy is now 13 weeks old. I have never been happier in my life. Husband has always wanted 2 DC, and I already know I want another one.
But how long do most people wait before having a second one? I want them to be close in age so they have things in common (hopefully, I know some kids just don't get on), but also want to leave my body long enough to recover from the first pregnancy (things weren't too bad) and my c section.
How long have other people waited and why?
Please be kind, I've seen how normal sounding posts can get quite nasty, quite fast :)

Right first off, do what’s right for you - not what’s going to make your children “close”. Big age gaps aside, being close in age will not make them close - personality and gender will be far more important here.

I know one set of twins that absolutely hated each other (same sex), one set of twins (one of each) that tolerated each other, but weren’t close as they were complete opposites. Two sets of siblings with a year gap that had the worst sibling rivalry I’ve ever seen (think full on fights, pulling each other’s hair out...) and sets of siblings that are 2/3/4 year age gaps because they shared interests and hobbies.

So when deciding do what’s right, not what will make your children close. Being close in age will not make them any more likely to get on.

I do see what people are saying. I'm a twin with a boy and we don't speak at all, whereas I have a half sister (it doesn't feel that way as she's my best friend, and I hate saying it, but it is what it is) who is 3 years younger than me and we get on really well, even with our different interests and passions.
I am planning on waiting at least 18 months as it is the NHS guidelines for after a c section, but I'm starting to think I don't want to wait much longer than that. It's just some people are already asking when we're having our next, and other people are telling us that one is enough and to stop now.
I was warned that once a mom everyone has an opinion on everything, and they were right!

I read some years ago that you should have at least one year between pregnancies and ideally between stopping breastfeeding and starting the next pregnancy. So that would be a minimum of 18 months if you bf for the recommended 6 months.

But other than that, it's up to what works for you, and when you can get pregnant, I guess.

Couple more thoughts about pros and cons of my three year gap:-

Pro - nursery fees - we had a grand total of two months when we were paying double nursery fees.

Con -clubs. Both of mine do a lot of extra curricular activities. And they are never ever in the same place at the same time. This aid partly the boy/girl thing (no matter how small the age gap ds is never going to be going to Brownies) but the age gap doesn’t help. I’m hoping that as they get older they will start to have some things the same (currently 7 and 4) but dd is already starting to specialise / join competitive squads so it may never happen. Each activity for one of them means an extra drive across town and having to entertain the other one in some random venue or other.

People are full of opinions! Best to ignore them sometimes and just go with what feels right. As you've seen here, there's a huge variety of "shoulds" because everyone is different.

I'm 14 weeks pregnant with my second, our eldest has just turned 3. I didn't expect to get pregnant straight away tbh otherwise we might have left it a wee while, but we're both delighted! We couldn't really have done it earlier as we both work full time and have no help around so two full time nursery places would have been too much. As it is we will still have a couple of months of that when I go back!

I had 22 months between ds1 and ds2. Ds1 was the dream baby, Ds2 was hard work as a baby, would only nap on me and didn't sleep through consistently until he was 3 years old. The first couple of years were hard work. They are now 5 and 6 and are best friends, I have barely seen them today as they have been too busy playing.

I now have ds3, he came along when ds1 was 5.5 and ds2 was 3.5 and that gap was a breeze.

I have 2 and a half years between mine. Originally I wanted less than 2 year- 21 months or similar but the realities of Dd made me not ready to start thinking about it till she was 18 months! I came off the pill then, and it took me 3 months to get pregnant so I have just over 2.5 years between them. Works for us.
I don't thimk there's a normal per se, I know a lot of people with anything from 2-3 years, then another lot with 4+ because they wanted one at school before childcare started again!

I'm 4 months pregnant and my dd is 9 months old. Will be a 14 month age difference,we wanted them close :)

I have just had DS2; DS1 is 5.5. Personally DH and I were very aware that DS had to be starting school before we had another one as we couldn't afford two in full time childcare. Also, for a long time we weren't sure whether we actually wanted a second child. I had PND and anxiety, DH has ASD and DS1 was quite a high needs baby. We needed time to come to terms with the huge impact he had had on our lives and wellbeing. We were due to have a baby two months after DS1 started school last year but I had a m/c and so we have ended up with DS2 born last month. We're happy with the choice we made; glad that DS1 is somewhat self-sufficient and can eat unaided, dress himself, go to the loo himself, play alone, etc. It was great to have that one on one time with him for several years. I know they won't be able to play together for a while but hope they will get on.

DH is one of four - he is not at all close to his older sister (18 month age gap) but is close to his younger brother (7 year age gap). So you just never know what will happen!

disa I never knew that. The reason I fell pregnant was because I stopped BF and was waiting to start the pill. Had a slight mix up with my dates

2 school years apart. That's so that the younger child is less likely to overtake the older child.

It's very disheartening to an older child to have a younger sibling to actually advance further than they are in subjects and activities. A 2 year age gap means they might be better at that age, but less likely to overtake.

I have a 2y gap and a 4y gap. I found the 2y gap much easier to manage. Yes, life at first was an eternal round of nappies, feeds and naps, but eventually I got them doing all these things more-or-less at the same times, which did give me breaks.

Also, at 2yo there are very few places you have to be on time to, whereas when there's an older sibling yourself ynder pressure to get to nursery/school/activities by a certain time.

It's much easier coping with toilet-training when you've got a smaller age gap, as well. It's far harder training a toddler when there's a baby demanding attention, too.

We have just short of 8 years between our 2.
Personal choice for us and planned this way.
A short gap is definitely not for me.

My DD is almost 2. My partner and his family think that by the time she is 3 we should have another as it's the 'ideal' gap or some bullshit. I think DD will be 6 or 7 by the time I want a 2nd.

Most people seem to like a two year gap.
It could be coincidence but everyone I know with less than that had a terrible time with spd / hip and back pain and separated abs :(

My first and second are 17 months apart. Totally planned but WOW were the baby days hard. Most days my face was numb from tiredness. I look at photos and can't remember a thing about them! The good thing was that is didn't last forever and they are dead close now.

My two oldest are 10 months apart. My first was planned, the second wasn’t. They fight like mad but absolutely love the bones of each other, they have never known life without each other and now aged 6 and 5 I love telling people that they are not twins when people presume they are. My youngest is 2 and a half and always gets left out or sent away by the others as they find him to babyish to be around so ideally wish I had my youngest a year earlier but sometimes you can’t predict how life will turn out. The closer your kids are in age the better but sometimes it just doesn’t happen like that.

I had 3.5 years between 1 and 2 and then 3 years between 2 and 3. Gaps were down to fertility issues and I really wanted smaller gaps. However, now I would not change a thing. It is really lovely having them all at different stages and I can have a chance to focus on one at a time when they really need me. Eldest is now at uni and it is lovely still having two at home. I am focusing on middle one who is doing A levels and then when he is done and off to uni in a year's time I can focus and support number 3 who will be in Year 11 taking GCSEs.

It is busy with three but that would be the same however long the gap. They grow up so quickly so it is lovely having it stretched out. With the eldest one now away at uni, it has been fun watching the youngest two develop a different relationship now that big sis isn't there being a strong force in the family. I wouldn't change my gaps now for anything despite desperately wishing number 2 had come along a year earlier. I am now so glad that he didn't.
And they all have great relationships with each other. The dynamics are fab. I have Girl-Boy-Girl - the gap was big enough not to have too much sibling rivalry between them.

16 months between my two eldest, than a gap of 3 years.
i think it's easier to have two close together (although admittedly I was very lucky and they've always slept well, so I never got too tired).
Having two so close in age meant that they liked similar things, went to the same activities at the same time etc, so the logistics were easier.
There was no jealousy whatsoever.

The gap of 3 years was more difficult, I started to be pulled in different directions, especially when the eldest started school.

But there are pros and cons to any age gap. You need to do what is right for you.

I have the same experience as budgie - smaller gap was easier for the same reasons she cites. Similar gaps, add a few months to each in my case.

My friend’s daughter has just had her 3rd c section with only an 18 month gap (happy accident) and the surgeon wished she had left it a few months more. My DD wouldnlike to conceive but is EBF 9 month DC so has not ovulated yet.

Would love a really close age gap - still in baby zone when next one arrives and you have all the stuff plus small age gap - can share clothes and be great pals.

Would do it again but new boss would choke. She thinks no woman should breed more than twice.

This probably isn't a great reason as these things change but now I have an 18 year old and a 14 year old I am glad we have 3+ school years between them as the 'parental contribution' at university gets very expensive when you have more than one child at university at once.

13 months between mine, both sections. They wanted to try labour with No 2 but given i'd had a 36 hour labour with a large (9lb 13oz) back to back baby and I had sacroiliac hip disfunction and all situations were present again, I was a tad reluctant. I'd also felt a lot of stretching/pain in my scar area. Consultant sort of dismissed this and said to book in for a section on my due date but if I went into labour prior to this we'd try vaginal birth. Anyway, my midwife fudged the dates and booked me in a week early... Consultant said during the section that is was as well that they'd done the section as the scare would never have held through labour....

Mine are 17 and 16 now. It worked well for us,.

Planned 14 month age gap with mime and had two c sections. They are really close. Second just grew up without us realising. No nappies anymore