To ask how long you should wait between 1st and 2nd DC?

[MsHopey]

Hey. I've been lurking for a while but I don't post very often. Background information, I've been with my husband for 8 years, we're both 25. Hes always wanted children and told me so from the day we met, I said no for many years as I'm the oldest of 8 and knew they could be hard work and wanted to enjoy our time together.
Last year we made the decision to start trying, I got pregnant within 4 months and our little boy is now 13 weeks old. I have never been happier in my life. Husband has always wanted 2 DC, and I already know I want another one.
But how long do most people wait before having a second one? I want them to be close in age so they have things in common (hopefully, I know some kids just don't get on), but also want to leave my body long enough to recover from the first pregnancy (things weren't too bad) and my c section.
How long have other people waited and why?
Please be kind, I've seen how normal sounding posts can get quite nasty, quite fast :)

It's untrue that having a larger gap will mean that the siblings will not be close. There is 4.5 years between my two and they are extremely close. My sister and I have a 19 month gap and we rarely talk and did not get on as children. We had a few months together before DC1 went to school meaning DC2 and I had time together. There no right or wrong. It's what ever works for your family.

I adored my older brother - 12 months, 1 week older than me (sadly deceased) and couldn't bear my 17month younger DB and still find him a PITA. My DM had three of us within 2 years, 5 months, don't know how she did it.

My 2 DDs are 16 months apart, the first year was tough but since then things have been easier. They are still v little, DD1 turned 3 last week, but are now starting to play together, laugh at the same things etc which is great. It's still hard work but 2 children are, regardless of age gap and the good times make all the tough bits worth while.

My ds is 16 months, I'd like to start thinking about another in the next couple of months but realistically we can't afford to have two in childcare at the same time without the free hours and Ds is really settled at nursery so I don't want to take him out whilst I'm on mat leave only to have to put him back in again.

If money was no object I'd try for another now, as it is our plan is to start trying when ds turns 2 and hope for as near to a 3 year gap as possible.

This thread is very topical for me...but I'm more an example of just getting on with it, if you definitely want a second child!

Congratulations on the birth of your baby, enjoy this special time.

My DC1 had just turned 2 a couple of months before I found myself pregnant with DC2 in Spring last year.

We were delighted even though we hadn't really planned it to happen so soon/I got pregnant straight after stopping the pill.

I was so happy that the age gap was going to be just under 3 years- a lot of friends and acquaintances had a similar gap. It seemed ideal- just coming into the free child care hours (15 hours- not the 30 as our nursery manager says it's just not possible- another thread altogether!).

Anyhow, we got the bad news at the dating scan, when I was one day off the 2nd trimester. Almost 18 months down the line and we are still TTC number 2, DC1 will be turning 4 on their next birthday and starting school next year.

Just do what feels right for you both, there is no "should" when it comes to planning a family, and bear in mind that things do not always turn out how you think they will. Whatever will be, will be.

"Less than 18 months - oops!"

True for our DDs 1 and 2, born 16 months apart. Definitely not intentional.

"6 years plus - different dads"

DDs 2 and 3 born 8 years apart. Same dad (my DH) for all three DDs!

Sorry, that should have read 9 years between DDs 2 and 3 (DD2 born July 2000, DD3 August '09). I blame menopause brain.

We have twins and our third was born when they were almost three. It works for us.

My sister and I have almost exactly two years between us. We get along great now - but we fucking HATED each other growing up!

I have a 9, 5, 18 week old.
I wanted a 4 year gap between each (last one was 5) child so they each get their fair time with me while the others are in school, it has worked out great!

There's just over 2 and a half years between dc1 and dc2. They are very close. I was chatting with DC1 the other day and she told me she doesn't remember a time when DC2 wasn't part of our family and didn't believe she was born before him.

We have a nearly three year gap and it has worked beautifully for us. Dd was old enough to understand what was happening and to be able to be reasoned with when ds was born. She loves being a big sister with a baby brother(even if he's nearly two now). Plus when ds was a few months old dd started nursery, which was great for us all.

But the right age gap depends on your childs personalities, which you won't know for a few years anyway so it's all a guessing game.

I have 16 months between 1 and 2 (very much planned, thanks) and then 20 months between 2 and 3. It was a manic few years when they were small, but I love it now.

We needed ivf so our plan was to hopefully have one then go back for another round literally a year later (low egg reserve so wouldn't have been able to leave it longer) had I been fertile maybe I would have planned a couple of years in between.. we will never know!
However we were very lucky in that there are actually only 18 minutes between our babies! People always say that it must be hard etc.. it's full on but we love it. Plus they adore each other.. one is currently licking the other ones head..!

25 month gap, two boys. First year was hell but it's been brilliant since then. They are best friends but wouldn't admit it! (now 7 & 9).

My two are seven years apart, and it has been utterly brilliant. I wouldn't change a thing. Because their needs were different, there was less competition for my attention than there would have been if they'd been close together. For instance, I played Monopoly with my older child while breastfeeding the little one, and both were getting the type of attention they wanted.

I waited five years before TTC #2 as my first child was quite hard work when small, and I couldn't face the idea of looking after a baby as well as her! Plus I know that I am not good at multitasking.

The kids don't have a huge amount in common, but that's more because of their personalities than the age gap. But they are devoted to each other. The biggest problem is that now my 18yo is about to leave the nest, her little sister is quite devastated. It's going to be very hard.

I have 2y3m between DC1 and 2. I found the first year really hard. For 9 months we had 2 in nappies, zero childcare, zero outside help. But I also LOVED having a baby again and you do know what you are doing with a baby second time round. It was the logistics of potty training whilst breastfeeding that I found hardest!

Now DCs 1 and 2 are best of friends, although they argue too! I've just had DC3, with a 3y10m gap between 2 and 3. I could not have considered a smaller gap this time, but time will tell what the gap is like. So far it's been great that the other 2 can play together and are independent with lots of things, especially the 6 year old.

Any gap has pros and cons and i totally agree that there are many factors that make it easier/harder, and the DC more or less likely to get on, and the age gap is just one of them.

Ours were over 3years so we never had two in nursery. This will only be important to you if you want to keep working and want to afford the huge cost of two in full time childcare.

I second everything @Mumoftwoyoungkids said!

My youngest two are 14 months apart. We chose to try again when DD was 4 months old. Their older siblings are also close in age but not quite THAT close

when it comes to the children, any age gap has its pros and cons. I've seen all sorts of set ups work because you love them.
I think you have to focus on your own physical health and then your family's financial set up as putting an unready body through pregnancy or putting a massive financial strain on the family will cause bigger problems than having a 14 month gap v a 4 year gap.

I have just over 5 years between son and daughter. No issues, same father, just was undecided for ages on whether to go again. They are nearly 5 and nearly 10. They play together, get up to no good together and get on really well. Also son had just started school when I went on maternity leave so that worked out perfectly in terms of childcare costs and time with newborn.

I have a 5 year gap between my boys. It was great in the early years when ds1 was at school and I had time with new ds to do all the baby groups etc.
It wasn’t planned that way though and I’d have had 2-3 years if I could have chosen (fertility issues)
Growing up they were at different stages and had very different likes so were never really buddies but now they are 10 and 15 they get on well. Both into tech etc so have stuff in common.
I’ve just done the rounds of viewing secondary school for my youngest and now have to view the 6th forms so it’s a busy time!!

I wanted a 2.5 yr gap - all my friends with 2 have a 2-2.5 gap. However, we started trying early but weren't anticipating secondary infertility issues (after conceiving in month 1 with dc1!). Luckily we were impatient and got treatment so gap will be just over 3 years. In a way it will be easier with an older child but I hope they'll still be close. I was really down on myself for a while for putting off trying for dc2 because I found one such hard work.

I was with you mumoftwo until you got to:

4 years plus - fertility issues
6 years plus - different dads

I have 3 children, all with 8 years between them due to fertility issues - all with the same father. People often assume they have different fathers, although look v similar. Why would 6 years plus indicate different fathers and not ongoing fertility issues?

I have a very boring 2.6 year gap (same as DM and DSis). I think in general shorter gaps are better for sibling relationships, longer gaps seemed to be more for parental convienence (child care starting school etc). We went for something in the middle.